Tag Archives: sarah palin

do it, please. i’m begging you

Posted on by
497

ending a romantic relationship is one of the most difficult things to do.

actually, thats a lie.

its not really that difficult, its just that most people at the end of their relationship ropes don’t want to be the bad guy, especially if the relationship malaise hasnt been caused by any egregious sin like cheating, abuse, or a professed admiration for jim jones. sometimes, you just want out, but you dont want to be the one to do it, so as your last act of relationship bitchassedness kindness, you want to give the person the pleasure of breaking up with you first.

how do you accomplish this? well, to expedite this process, here are the champ’s four foolproof ways to get dumped. enjoy and sh*t

1. intentional sack wackness

don’t cheat, but do everything in your power to insure that this person never wants to have sex with you ever again.

how do you do this?

climax in seven pumps. ride lazier than shaq’s left eye. scream “jeopardy”, pull out, and run a lap around the bed whenever you smack her ass. attempt to give head with a mouth full of chocolate cake. during missionary, abruptly stop, pull out, get dressed and go on your couch and watch tv, all without saying a word. instead of “daddy”, incorporate names of other family members when its getting good, preferably “cousin jack” or “auntie“. when he’s about to go down on you, “forget” to remind him that your aunt flow is visiting this week. two words: gorilla mask

be creative

2. be sarah palin

with even the smallest real or perceived slight, reply matter-of-factly with the cruelest, most ignorant, most random insult you could possibly imagine…while smiling. example:

“my bad honey, i forgot to buy grape kool-aid”

“babe, how can a grown man’s d*ck be so little? seriously, babycakes, how does that happen? did your grandfather lose a bet with God or something? when you pee, does it hit your balls on the way down”?

or

“i’ll be maybe 10 minutes late picking you up today”

“you know, sweetie, you’re too ugly for me to ever consider having kids with you. i thought you were an anomaly, but after seeing your mom, i know it runs in your wretched family, and baby, i dont want to be infected with your sad, sad joke of a gene pool”

3. respond to every question or statement with the exact same phrase

it doesnt matter. he asked how your day was? she wants to know what groceries she should get at the store? regardless of the topic, continue to respond with the exact same sentence each time. personally, i prefer, “whatever floats your boat, queen bee” or “who cares about it all anyway, ever”

4. report any every intimate thing that you do together on the internet

that intense lunch quickie earlier in the week? put it up on rude.com. that issue she’s having with her sister’s kids? create a topic about it on okayplayer.com. that 2000 word email he sent you, expressing dismay about the direction his life was headed? post it as a note on facebook, under the title “how should i respond?”

***bonus points if you include dates, times, and real names***

thats it from me….for now. what else would you add to the list?

—the champ

the black pass

Posted on by
732

sometime last week i decided to put all of my kanye-influenced music into one itunes playlist. from “this can’t be life” to the original version of “homecoming“, anything that had any type of connection to the arrogant one is now compiled in one neat little pocket, like a card case or a bottle of ky. while doing this, i came across the forgettably underrated “drive slow“, a track from late registration featuring paul wall, which immediately reminded me of a conversation i had with a friend a couple years ago. this friend, who’s usually a cross between undercover brother, “hooper x” from “chasing amy”, sonja sanchez, sister t, and tookie williams, surprisingly had no issue when finding out that mr. wall was married to a black woman.

“he gets a pass” he remarked, “any n*gga with a degree with a song on their album titled “Sip-n-Da Barr” can bone whoever the hell they want. he gets a black pass”

loosely defined as the possession of status that allows a particular white person to bone/date/marry a black person with general approval (on both sides) from the black community, the doleing out of the black pass is as synonymous to black culture as grape kool-aid, long-winded church names, and grade school playground acorn fights around the swings.

in true vsb.com fashion, we’ll identify and examine a couple members of this elite club.

bobby deniro

claim to fame:

like the champ, deniro is a living icon, one of the five greatest actors of all-time.

reasons for making the cut:

—black women love portrayals of bad boys on film, and no one has ever done this better or with more swagger than bobby d.

—he’s been romantically linked with black women for basically his entire adult life (chris rock once joked that the only thing a white chick could do for robert deniro is tell him where the sistas is at)

—at least one of his movies (goodfellas, the godfather part 2, casino, a bronx tale, heat, or the adventures of rocky and bullwinkle) is on basically every black males top ten movie list

honorable mentions:

al pacino, james gandolfini, quentin tarentino, pat riley, steve nash, bill maher, jon b circa 1995, peter north, terrance howard

tina fey

claim to fame:

an award winning actress, writer, director, and producer, fey is the funniest woman in america, and has been for at least the past five years.

reasons for making the cut:

—fey combines a level of sharp-ass wit that all women of color appreciate with the exact right amount of non-threatening sex appeal that allows black men to openly and freely profess that she get it while in the presence of black women...who will actually nod in approval or co-sign (“yeah. if i had a w*ng i’d bag her too” ). an astoundingly ground-breaking feat!!!!

—three words: sarah palin impressions. each palin snl skit extends fey’s black pass another 15 years. at this point she could shank tristan wilds at the emmy’s and it still wouldnt affect her standing

honorable mentions:

teena marie. this is it. there have been no other white women in the history of white womendom to receive black passes other than teena marie and tina fey. sans pink for a day or two in the summer of 2001, no one else has ever come even close.

am i forgetting anyone?

—the champ

whats in a name?

Posted on by
489

recently, a former f-buddy lazily platonic friend of the champ’s told me that the dude she’s currently dating referred to himself as her boyfriend for the first time. after i had a moment of silence for another former team member taking advantage of their free agency clause, this conversation quickly segued into a full-fledged discussion about the complete and utter weirdness of that word, and the fact that despite the complete and utter weirdness, people continue to use it.

“boyfriend” and “girlfriend” are the generic terms most people use to describe an exclusive, non-married significant other, but really, how appropiate is it for a 50 year old divorcee grandmother to refer to the 56 year old plumber she met at a promise-keepers conference in kansas city that’s been laying pipe for the past couple of months as her effing boyfriend? what gives here? why do we continue to use such an inapplicable word with such extreme prejudice? why do i only seemingly care passionately about such inane subjects?

today, at the world famous vsb.com, the champ will discuss the merits and faults of a few of the different terms used for non-married significant others, hopefully eventually finding and agreeing on a term that can eventually replace boyfriend and girlfriend in our general lexicon.

“boyfriend”

–is the common generic term, but the “boy” involved gives it a bit of a juvenile feel. sure “boyfriend” is cool when you’re 14, double dating at dave and busters and fantasizing about a possible extended finger bang in the backseat of a minivan later on, but it just sounds wrong to hear a 35 year old women talking about “boning her boyfriend

***sidenote: unless, of course, said girlfriend is kenya moore, and said boyfriend is the champ, in which case, she could call the champ whatever the hell she pleased***

“girlfriend”

–also a common generic term, but black woman have made it too ambiguous. “girlfriend” could be anything from a man’s mate to a woman’s best friend drunken weekend carpet muncher. we need some unambiguousness. i like that word, unambiguousness. i think “unambiguousness” might even replace “lil champ” as the name for, ummm, “lil champ”.

“mate”

–too vanilla. also, since “mating” is one of the proper ways of saying “f**king” or “boning”, wouldn’t saying “my mate” be the same as saying “my f*ck” or “my bone”? wouldn’t that be a bit presumptious? doesn’t “mate” have a somewhat animalistic connotation? if sarah palin had a kid in the woods, would michelle malkin adopt it?

“manfriend”

–sounds like something my ex fiancee’s mom would say…and she’s 67.

“ladyfriend”

–whenever i hear this term i think about some 45 year old divorced chick named shirley that works at blue cross/blue shield, drives a cavalier with a leopard interior and smokes newports. i actually think that all 45 year old women who still date should just be referred to as “shirleys”

“significant other”

–eh. what if you’re just exclusively dating and sleeping with this cat, but the relationship and the person really aint that significant to you?

“gentleman caller”

–sounds too date-rapey for some reason. whenever i see this i think of a character michael beach would play

the gentleman caller, personified

the gentleman caller, personified

“partner”

–along with the raindow (a subject that panama wrote about like 8 years ago) gay people ruined this word for everybody else.

“man”

–too possessive. and, even though a 21 year old is technically a man, it sounds terrible to me when any chick younger than 30 refers to the guy she’s seeing as her “man”, to the point that just hearing the hook from nivea’s “dont mess with my man” used to invoke uncontrollable dry heaving

“woman”

–just like “man”, “woman” only works with somebody you’ve had sex with at least 200 times. men that refer to the woman they’re seeing as “my woman” probably are most likely to beat their women or cheat as well. of course, i have absolutely no concrete reason or proof for that determination…its just a hunch.

“my girl”

–this one is actually my favorite. it sounds a bit more intimate than “girlfriend“, and also lets the person know that they’re your n-word as well as the person theyre having monkey sex with. i dont think theres an age cut-off with this one as well. unfortunately…

“my boy”

–doesnt have the same connotation. there is nothing more platonic sounding than a chick refering to a guy she’s seeing as “my boy“. in fact, i have a theory that states that whenever a woman does do that, its a way of hinting that “you know, i’m with him and shit…but if something better came along, i’d drop him quicker than amil”

bf” and “gf”

–great for text, but they both just sound too impersonal. plus, “bf” sounds too close to “bm”, and noone whats to be referred to on a consistent basis with something that sounds a euphemism for sh*tting.

“my lady”

–would work, except for the fact that at least 86 percent of the time, it would be a blatant lie

“wifey”

–the shelf life on using “wifey” in an unironic sense expired in 2001.

“my chick/dude“

—this is a bit too mid-atlantic-ey, which is fine for me, but i like to keep things simple for the southerners. i’m considerate like that.

“my earth/God/goddess/queen/king/power u/spirit/field/galaxy/soulmate/vision”

—shut the f**k up.

ok. i’m stuck. with the exception of “my girl” (which, admittedly, is more lukewarm than t.i.’s verse in “S.L.U.”) none of these terms seem to work. was i wrong? did i forget something? does this sh*t even matter? people of vsb.com, the champ needs his toast your help.

what do you think?

—the champ