Rules That I Will Always Follow

The worst part of this is that taxpayer dollars created that sign.

I was out running the tweets yesterday morning and I came across this post by the homey (and sometimes VSB commenter) SimplyBRenee called “Two ‘Southern’ Rules That I Will Always Follow”. She states that two rules she’ll always follow are that 1) women prepare men’s plates; and 2) Men drive. Check out the post for her reasoning. Git.

Well, I’ll be. I can dig it. I’ve actually been in a home where the men had their plates prepared by women no matter what. Sh*t threw me for a complete loop because I grew up in a home with enough women to make me a feminist and nobody ever made my plate for me. But then I was exposed to this life and I wanted in. Actually, not really, I kind of like making my own plate.

Some of y’alls potato salad looks maaaaaaaaad sketchy. You let somebody else make the plate and they put that sketchy food on it and you have it to eat it, lest you be rude.

By the way, “eat it, lest you be rude” should be part of the 10 Sex Commandments.

Anyway, the homey’s post got me to thinking about traditions or rules that I, myself, personally, I’m just saying would always practice.

1. Opening doors for women

I still believe in chivalry and a long time ago we mentioned that holding a door open for a woman is a win-win for everybody because you get to look at her arse. I don’t even remember why I learned to do this, I just do it. Even if I can’t stand you, I’ll still open the door for you. I was just raised right. Random arse observation time: I’ve been noticing a lot lately that many women who have very nice legs have absolutely no hips whatsoever. How does this happen? Why does this happen? Heaven, I need a hug.

2. You don’t touch another person’s car stereo

I can’t tell how perturbed I get when folks get into my vehicle and change the station. I give them the look of 12 midgets pointing tridents at Gulliver on house arrest. My car, my sounds. Honestly, I’ve only seen women do this f*cksh*t and I’m convinced its because women like to test boundaries (and start unnecessary arguments about why they can’t do something) and see the man’s reaction. Don’t get mad at me when I swat your hand you stoolie. I got a homeboy who would pull the most ignantastic music moves in his car. One night, we’re coming from the movies at like 130am, hype on our way to the club and this dude throws on Nina Simone, “Strange Fruit”. This same dude once decided to piss everybody off by playing the instrumental to Bilal’s “Soul Sister” for 2 hours straight on an out of town drive. Oh well, his car, his sounds.

Duly note this: If you’re driving said person’s car, the radio is yours. The city is mine. You belong to the city. WATCH THE THRONE.

3. (back to the eating thing), “Eat it, lest you be rude.”

If you put food on your plate you are responsible for its eating. This has gotten me in more trouble than I can shake a stick at. I’m not one of those people who believes in wasting food. I’m skinny as hell so I understand the starving kid epidemic. When I get food, I eat it. Even if I hate it. Or at the very least I do my absolute best. Okay, that’s a lie. I just make sure that it looks like I ate it by strategically throwing sh*t away inconspicuously. You know the scenes in movies where folks say, “look at that” somebody turns around and then you throw food in another direction? I swear ‘fore God and three white men that I’ve done that multiple times in my life.

4. Men shovel snow

I f*cking HATE shoveling snow. I can’t express to you how much I hate it. I’d rather slam my wang in a door after cartwheeling naked through a pack of Hyenas with Free Gaddhafi tshirts on while driving through an African safari tour in Compton, than shovel snow. But if it snows…boo, I got your sidewalk. If I’m there. If I’m not there, there’s a good chance that I will have cell service interruption. Again, it’s not a pretty picture…I DON’T LIKE DOING IT! (name that reference) I have spent upwards of 5 hours in one day shoveling snow off my car, my boothangs (when I’ve had one), and neighbors cars because I’m a man. I’m Tim Taylor.

5. You don’t smang your man’s girl.

Should be self-explanatory. Apparently it needs reiterating over and over. G-code whoadie.

Alright, those are random rules that I will always follow. What are your random rules that you always follow?

Word to SimplyBRenee.

Oh, and Happy Friday, b*tches.


[***Admin Note: One last reminder that tomorrow night, Saturday, November 5, 2011 at Liv Nightclub in Washington, DC, VSB brings you another edition of REMINISCE, the party dedicated to all 90s everything. It's free before 11pm, there's an open bar from 10-11pm, and no dress code. Remember, it ain't no fun if the homies can't have none. Doors at 10pm. Party with your folk!***]

Relationship Rules

“There’s rules to this sh*t…” ~ Notorious B.I.G. “10 Crack Commandments” Life After Death, 1997

Whether malicious or benign, we all have rules when it comes to the people we date. We’re pretty much all control-freaks who want things the way we want them, when we want them that way – which is pretty much all the time.

I want it that way.

Have it your way.

We’re a society based on our own wants and desires. Which of course makes relationships funner than three pirahnas at a church picnic eating pork chops next to Sister Sue Betty with the gawdawful church hat collection. The thing is, having rules for our partners isn’t necessarily a bad thing as long as it’s more like, “if you drop a deuce on the living room floor, I will leave you” and not so much, “if you’re  not home by 7pm every night of the week, I will beat you mercilessly and then make you watch re-runs of The Walton’s goodnight sequence for 3 hours every night.”

And believe you me, that would be torture. Waterboarding has nothing on “good night John Boy 8,984 times per night”.

While controlling people pretty much make me want to dry heave, I know that they exist everywhere. They’re in the bushes right now ready to jump out with a corkboard filled with post-it notes and oddly shaped thumbtacks. Bridezilla’s are not just brides, they are everywhere and rock boy XX and XY chromosome patterns. And like I said, all rules aren’t bad. So here are a list of general relationship rules that I think all people should recognize, acceptionize, and practicize.

1. Do not put hands on people unless people put their hands on you first or pull out a weapon.

I tried to tell OJ Simpson about this one but some joker named AC Kanye’d me right in the middle of my speech, and well, you all remember how that one ended. The damn Knicks BLEW it against the Rockets in the finals back in 1994.

2. Don’t bring sand to the beach, unless you know and appreciate your own sand more than the beach’s sand.

While I know people like to go to the club together, I think most people can’t handle seeing their S.O. being ogled by somebody else. People are jealous by nature. Some couples just have that comfort level to be able to do something like that. Most, however, do not. If you know you’re jealous, save yourself an argument and a court case and club on separate nights.

3. Do not make your S.O. look dumb in front of company, family, or ninjas you do not know.

This is more of a common courtesy and applies to your homies or homies with boobs, etc. Unless somebody is just egregiously in the wrong, alienating your S.O. in front of anybody is just not the business. It makes them look foolish. And NOBODY wants Ashanti’s sideburns (which she may or may not have gotten rid of by now).

4. Oral lovin’n is required.

No grown self-respecting individuals should still think its icky. Seriously. In fact, if you use words like “icky” after somebody says, “you gon’ touch it or not?” it should be okay for you to be forced to walk home. That goes for men or women, gay or straight.

5. Everybody needs some alone time.

Even Flavor Flav and that old white lady he was dating with the odd accent needed some alone time on occasion and both of them should have just been happy to have ANYBODY. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Why you think people think so fondly of dead people. Them ninjas are absent like a motherf*cker.

Well, good people of VSB, are there any relationship rules you think should be mandated? Do you have any special relationship rules impart upon your signifcant others?

Talk to the hand.

No, really. I’m recording it all in my palm-corder.