I was out running the tweets yesterday morning and I came across this post by the homey (and sometimes VSB commenter) SimplyBRenee called “Two ‘Southern’ Rules That I Will Always Follow”. She states that two rules she’ll always follow are that 1) women prepare men’s plates; and 2) Men drive. Check out the post for her reasoning. Git.
Well, I’ll be. I can dig it. I’ve actually been in a home where the men had their plates prepared by women no matter what. Sh*t threw me for a complete loop because I grew up in a home with enough women to make me a feminist and nobody ever made my plate for me. But then I was exposed to this life and I wanted in. Actually, not really, I kind of like making my own plate.
Some of y’alls potato salad looks maaaaaaaaad sketchy. You let somebody else make the plate and they put that sketchy food on it and you have it to eat it, lest you be rude.
By the way, “eat it, lest you be rude” should be part of the 10 Sex Commandments.
Anyway, the homey’s post got me to thinking about traditions or rules that I, myself, personally, I’m just saying would always practice.
1. Opening doors for women
I still believe in chivalry and a long time ago we mentioned that holding a door open for a woman is a win-win for everybody because you get to look at her arse. I don’t even remember why I learned to do this, I just do it. Even if I can’t stand you, I’ll still open the door for you. I was just raised right. Random arse observation time: I’ve been noticing a lot lately that many women who have very nice legs have absolutely no hips whatsoever. How does this happen? Why does this happen? Heaven, I need a hug.
2. You don’t touch another person’s car stereo
I can’t tell how perturbed I get when folks get into my vehicle and change the station. I give them the look of 12 midgets pointing tridents at Gulliver on house arrest. My car, my sounds. Honestly, I’ve only seen women do this f*cksh*t and I’m convinced its because women like to test boundaries (and start unnecessary arguments about why they can’t do something) and see the man’s reaction. Don’t get mad at me when I swat your hand you stoolie. I got a homeboy who would pull the most ignantastic music moves in his car. One night, we’re coming from the movies at like 130am, hype on our way to the club and this dude throws on Nina Simone, “Strange Fruit”. This same dude once decided to piss everybody off by playing the instrumental to Bilal’s “Soul Sister” for 2 hours straight on an out of town drive. Oh well, his car, his sounds.
Duly note this: If you’re driving said person’s car, the radio is yours. The city is mine. You belong to the city. WATCH THE THRONE.
3. (back to the eating thing), “Eat it, lest you be rude.”
If you put food on your plate you are responsible for its eating. This has gotten me in more trouble than I can shake a stick at. I’m not one of those people who believes in wasting food. I’m skinny as hell so I understand the starving kid epidemic. When I get food, I eat it. Even if I hate it. Or at the very least I do my absolute best. Okay, that’s a lie. I just make sure that it looks like I ate it by strategically throwing sh*t away inconspicuously. You know the scenes in movies where folks say, “look at that” somebody turns around and then you throw food in another direction? I swear ‘fore God and three white men that I’ve done that multiple times in my life.
4. Men shovel snow
I f*cking HATE shoveling snow. I can’t express to you how much I hate it. I’d rather slam my wang in a door after cartwheeling naked through a pack of Hyenas with Free Gaddhafi tshirts on while driving through an African safari tour in Compton, than shovel snow. But if it snows…boo, I got your sidewalk. If I’m there. If I’m not there, there’s a good chance that I will have cell service interruption. Again, it’s not a pretty picture…I DON’T LIKE DOING IT! (name that reference) I have spent upwards of 5 hours in one day shoveling snow off my car, my boothangs (when I’ve had one), and neighbors cars because I’m a man. I’m Tim Taylor.
5. You don’t smang your man’s girl.
Should be self-explanatory. Apparently it needs reiterating over and over. G-code whoadie.
Alright, those are random rules that I will always follow. What are your random rules that you always follow?
Word to SimplyBRenee.
Oh, and Happy Friday, b*tches.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. NO YELLOW SNOW aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3
[***Admin Note: One last reminder that tomorrow night, Saturday, November 5, 2011 at Liv Nightclub in Washington, DC, VSB brings you another edition of REMINISCE, the party dedicated to all 90s everything. It's free before 11pm, there's an open bar from 10-11pm, and no dress code. Remember, it ain't no fun if the homies can't have none. Doors at 10pm. Party with your folk!***]