although the champ staunchly believes that theres absolutely nothing you can do to keep someone from cheating (to quote chuck klosterman, “cheaters cheat because they think being monogamous is unreasonable. there’s no other reason.“), there are a few ways that you can definitely push em closer to the edge. you can’t actually drive someone to cheat, but you can definitely buy the car, carry them to the passenger seat, and put the keys in the ignition.

here are four sure-fire ways to insure that your mate will be sliding on the super slippery cheating slope (***editors note: the champ is obviously a big fan of alliteration***)

1. stop f**king

there’s no lonelier place in the world than a bed where your mate has decided, for whatever reason, to stop having sex with you, and no better, more efficient way to put the cheating key in the ignition. honestly, its actually easier sleeping next to a mate you’ve never slept with, than one who all of a sudden decided to rock their rusty-ass chastity belt to bed. unless you have some type of serious physical impairment, the reasoning behind this never matters. its always stupid, you’re always stupid for doing this, and it’s just plain f*cking stupid. stupid.

i’m on punany punishment cause you’re mad at me? f**k you! f**k me.

you’ve all of a sudden started believing that i’m only with you for the sex? f**k you! f**k me.

you’ve decided out of the blue to become born again and celibate? f**k you! f**k me.

of course, i understand that grown-ass people occasionally have libido-deading responsibilities that realisticially dont allow for spider monkey mummy matrix sex every day of the week. sh*t, i never thought i’d say this, but sometimes during my 17 hour meetings at work, instead of daydreaming about some combination of a naked stacey dash, a car seat, a universal remote, and 12 empty packets of orange kool-aid, i’m sitting there literally fantasizing about the nasty things i plan to run home and do to my…pillow. sleep sometimes trumps sex, and thats okay.

still, after a while, the pillowbating needs to discontinue, or your mate is either going to not cheat…but want to, not cheat…but only because they’re not able to, or cheat.

2. romance, schmoemance

you didn’t realize it, but you started having sex with her at 8:45 in the morning while she was on the bus headed to work. no, you didn’t actually physically have a morning quickie in the passenger aisle of the EBA, but that little “mornin, cutie-pie. sexy ass…damn. nevermind.” text you sent her made her smile and produced the first tiny drop of anticipation moisture down there that will continue to accumulate throughout the day.

the 1:17 text saying “i have a surprise for you later on“? more drops

being early for the date, and softly kissing her when you see her, pulling her close enough so that she can tell you’re wearing her favorite cologne, but not so close that she can feel your lil general “standing at attention”? leaky faucet

opening your car door for her. gently guiding her in with your hand slightly beneath the small of her back? brazilian rain forest

at this point, she’s not even thinking about anything else other than “please, please, please God dont let him do anything dumb tonight to f**k this up” and your work is done.

going from a consistent serving of that…

…to this…

you: “come over and let me hit. and on the way stop and get me some fries…and condoms. peace, homie”

her: “it’s 9:47 and i haven’t heard from you all day”

you: “damn..yeah, you’re right. you better hurry then. wendy’s drive-thru is gonna be closed soon”

…will soon get you a one-way ticket on the “i wonder why my girlfriend just rubbed the mailman’s ass and smiled” express

3. be like ike

isaac “ike” austin was a somewhat decent power forward/center for the miami heat and the la clippers. originally passed over and cut by many teams, he went to europe for a year to refine his skills, and eventually returned to the NBA a much better player. he made such improvement that he actually won the NBA’s most improved player award in 1997. this improvement eventually led to him being offered a very lucrative multi-year contract with the orlando magic.

so, did ike continue to improve after he finally got his big payday???

nah.

he got fat, his game got worse, and he was out of the league within three years.

if you want to insure that your mate will thirst for cheating on you, be like ike. do everything you can to break the implied relationship contract you agreed to when you first got together. gain 50 pounds. stop bathing. start wearing your late uncle’s clothes. end all oral. get giant tear drop tats on your adams apple. do everything you can to make them believe that they were a fool for committing to you. be like ike

4. cheat, or act like you’re cheating

you’d think this was common-sense, but you’d be amazed at how many cheaters and cats exhibiting cheateresque qualities i know who were flabbergasted at the fact that their mate actually had the gall to return the favor. for clarity’s sake “cheateresque qualities” refer to qualities exhibited by someone who actually isn’t cheating, but consistently does things that would make any reasonable person assume that they are. these qualities include (but aren’t limited to)…

receiving mysterious texts and phone calls at odd hours

referring to members of the opposite sex by ambigiously sexual nicknames. (put it this way, no woman in a relationship should ever refer to any guy who’s not related to them as “big daddy“. until you’re single again, his name is “james”)

being consistently unavailiable at not unreasonable times

intentional aloofness

being named “angelina jolie”

athough you shouldn’t be held captive to some non-trusting mate’s emotional whims, be considerate. if you ask yourself “honestly, is he justified in thinking that i’m unfaithful?” and the answer is “yes“, and you do want the relationship to continue, then stop being an inconsiderate asshole. it’s really not rocket surgery, seriously.

hopefully no one here will ever put the cheating keys in the ignition. if so, you might as well just hop in the back seat. shit, at that point, your mate shouldn’t be the only one who’s getting a ride.

–the champ