Things I Think I’d Hate About Men If I Were A Woman (Which I’m Totally Not)

Beat the p*ssy up beat the p*ssy up. Like bam bam bam bam bam.

Beat the p*ssy up beat the p*ssy up. Like bam bam bam bam bam.

“Don’t bring no whips and chains to bed with me. I wasn’t a slave, but I heard about it. I watched Roots about seven or eight times: I’m liable to have a flashback and choke the hell out of somebody.” – Don “D.C.” Curry

I’ve never been a woman. I know this may be a surprise to some of you but I checked with my parents and everything. Nope, I was never of the boob. So since I was never a woman nearly all information that I have about the fairer sex comes second hand from sisters, mothers, aunties, etc. Having an inordinate amount of all the above has afforded me a sometimes more intimate than desired look, or at least insight, into how frustrating life can be for a woman. From the man standpoint, aside from the tiny sexism thing, being a woman looks like it rocks.

There’s free dinner. You can call somebody to kill bugs and nobody bats an eye. You never have to take trash out once you’re in a relationship. If you’re pretty, people like you more. It seems like 95 percent of television is catered to you and there’s an entire lineup of shows dedicated to women killing men and anybody who watches them totally understands.

See? All of that up there? Advantage women.

Even though being a woman clearly rocks, nothing that rocks does so without issue. And from where I’m sitting, it seems that the thing that probably makes being a woman rock less than it totes could – aside from that whole menstruation thing which is women’s fault – would be some of the things that men do. Before the men release the hounds and go all medieval on my arse, let me explain. Being a man allows us a certain amount of inconsiderateness. Ultimately, we pretty much do what we want and smoke crack in the bathroom on a lark. While every man isn’t a douche, many of us play them on television. Conversely, all women aren’t saints. These are all facts.

Well one of the things that I think many of us fail to properly do is truly attempt to place ourselves in the shoes of the other sex. I’m pretty sure folks call that empathy or something. I honestly don’t know. I suck at empathy. However, I’m going to put on my “if i were a woman” hat and based on the men I know and the life I’ve led ponder about some things that I’m pretty sure I’d hate if I were a woman.

Such as…

1. Male insecurity

I’m a guy and I hate male insecurity, but I almost can’t fathom what its like to deal with it head on as a woman. For instance, you meet a guy, you all hit it off well, then he starts questioning why you’d go out of hte house wearing certain clothing. Clothing, mind you, that he was okay with when he met you. Or a guy wondering if you’ve dated “men of name” before and judging you based on it. See, I hate it when folks take out their issues on me. So I can’t imagine how it must feel to be a woman and have a dude question you about something that clearly is his issue. Unless you leave the house looking like a ho on your way to Ocho Cinco’s house. Then again, I probably MET you at Ocho Cinco’s house looking like a ho, so thats more than likely on me. Yeech.

2. Obscene cat calls

I know there are “Stop Street Harassment” campaigns and I’m sure they’re working exactly like you think they are. But awareness is never a bad thing. To that end, I’ve seen guys make THE most obscene and ignorant comments to women walking by. I’m sure its not so bad for women a few times as long as no lines are crossed, but it seems like men, we like crossing lines. Again, not all of us…but those dudes who cross the lines step all over that line, do the “typewriter” hit a “tootsie roll” then backflip and spit on it. I’ve actually heard a man (not one I knew) yell to this woman that he wanted to put his d*ck in her lightskinned ear and that she knew she wanted that to.

(To be fair, I’ve been manhandled by a woman that I’m pretty sure didn’t know she was a lesbian yet. I’ve always been slim so in high school this chick, “Nancy” grabbed me up and hugged me like a toy doll and dragged me to her next destination. That made me feel like less of a man and I hated every minute of it. I thought she was going to stick me in her vagina and keep me there for a rainy day. That never happened but it felt possible. “Nancy” is gay now.)

3. Having to be “strong enough to let a man be a man”

I get it. I’m a man. I appreciate when my woman knows to let me be the man. But geesh that has to be annoying sometimes. Or maybe its not. I have no clue how women feel about that. But I can imagine sometimes feeling like “f*ck” I could totally build this IKEA boudoir in 10 minutes and this dude is over here struggling with the Allen wrench. By the way, DAMN YOU ALLEN WRENCHES OF THE WORLD.

4. Having my face licked in a club by anybody, Kappa or not

I’ve seen this happen with my own two eyes to somebody who used to (and presumably still does on occasion) frequent VSB. Some dude trapped her, then licked her face. In the club. Just because. If I never saw that, I’d think it was a myth like men refusing to ask for directions (something I have no problem doing). But that’s just nasty. On the contrary, I also witnessed a man suck on a friend of mine’s toes in the club and she was totally okay with it. Buddy also had baby oil on deck. The most important lesson here (as with anywhere): know your audience.

5. Double standards

Goes both ways, but I figured if I didn’t mention it, folks would ALL immediately go with double standards as something that sucks.

So let’s have fun people and play some role reversal. For the men, what do you think you’d hate most about men if you were a woman and women, what do you think you’d hate most about women if you were a man?

3…2…1…contact. Go.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. LADY SINGS THE BLUES LIKE A DAMN G aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3