Sun, Moon, Stars, Quasars and Sh*t

This is skydiving apparel. This is also something I could see Kanye wearing because he's trying to expand his horizons thru fashion. Help us.

This is skydiving apparel. This is also something I could see Kanye wearing because he’s trying to expand his horizons thru fashion. Help us.

I’m going to share a little about myself here. Sharing is caring has long been one of my mantras. I believe in community service of all types. Sharing is one of them. You may not have to take your clothes off to have a good time, but if you don’t put a little love in your heart, well, then you’re no better than an animal.

I just quoted somebody. That’s a bit more than a little but then not quite a few. Back to the lecture at hand.

I’ve often felt that life was very limiting. Not to be all doomsday or anything, but at some point during the course of my short 34 years on this planet I just felt…limited. I couldn’t fly or hug a unicorn or catch that damn pot of gold. While people tell you that if you work hard and are smart and study and sh*t that you can do anything you want to, it’s not actually true. Like, I stay reaching for the stars. Not proverbially either. I actually reach for them because, well, I get bored a lot. I’m like the guy in that one commercial who reached the end of the Internet. That sh*t f*cked me up because I feel that way a lot.

Fret not, I’m not about to off myself or do anything too crazy. All of my friends know that the one thing that need not happen in my life is boredom. Bad things happen when I get bored. I haven’t burned down any homes but I’ve gotten really closed to being profiled in a few national publications for bad decisions I made out of pure boredom. It’s like my kryptonite. Boredom drives my quest and thirst for the unknown. I didn’t read Encyclopedia’s when I was a kid because I wanted to know what was in them, I read them because I read everything else. To some degree, my child is a saving grace for me and my mind because I get to witness rebirth and new fun sh*t through the eyes of somebody who has no idea that one day, she may get to the end of the Internet.

Point is, I just feel like Earth and all its splendor comes with certain restrictions. I have seen lots and there are lots of things I haven’t but I’m still like…f*ck what else is there? Like the Pyramids are cool, my nword, but can somebody show me the tetrahedron that was man-made somewhere? And I’m not rich at all. I don’t even have the money to TRULY test the limits of life. So imagine if I was rich…

…I’d be somebody like Rihanna. Y’all remember when that crazy motherf*cker got a tattoo CHISELED onto her skin? Yeah. Of course you do. Here’s the thing. I get it. I completely understood. I can’t imagine what its like to be young, rich, and LITERALLY have the entire world as your oyster. It’s why rich people do crazy stuff like get themselves frozen. They’re bored and testing the limits of humanity because, well, they’ve kind of done this human sh*t. This only handicaps true creatives though. Some folks are rich and are just happy to be that way and are content within the confines of whatever world they’ve created. They’re goal-oriented creative. It’s like Big Boi vs Andre 3000.

Andre 3000 is clearly a creative individual who has no effin’ idea what to do with his life. At least he didn’t for a while. That’s why it made perfect sense to me that he was showing up to concerts in turbins and goggles and diapers with really furry Uggs. My man was just trying to explore his mind in every way possible. He was trying and his music started to reflect it. It’s why you get The Love Below. My man was outchea trying to just do…something else.

Clearly this is an issue that afflicts tons of people across the world. And especially some ‘flicted people.

Lil Wayne seems to have lost his ever loving mind but really, he just needs a new challenge. When you’ve literally achieved everything you can, you start making rock albums and singing too much and only rap about p*ssy because, well, what the hell else do you do when you spend 90 percent of your day fried out of your gourd because you’re trying to transcend life.

I can’t speak for any of these people. I have no clue if they feel that way. But it sure seems like it. And I feel that stuff. It’s like working in Word and they only give you limited fonts but you need new fonts because what you have doesn’t allow you to fully express yourself. Some people see what’s in front of them and feel like they have all that they need. They express themselves and make great product, whatever it may be, via the resources in front of them. Others see whats in front of them and realize that if those things exist, the possibility for more also exists. So they seek those things out. I’m one of those other people. The rush of the experience requires you to throw caution to the wind.

Funny enough, I’m also very much an “it is what it is” person about certain things. I recognize “checkmate” very quickly into the game. So while I’m not rich and I’m often bored I’ll continue to just f*cking rock like I do. But I’ll spend a lot of nights trying to figure out if I get on my roof, and I try to reach for a star, will I actually be able to reach one if I try hard enough? And if I fall and hit the ground, will I really die? Yeah, that’s the problem with being one of these people…death doesn’t really scare you. The not knowing makes it enticing enough to wonder what’s really going on afterwards.

Mind you, I realize this is all mental. And I can always watch vh1 to dumb it down. Shots fired. But this is why so many artists spend so much time talking about space, lasers, bars, quasars and sh*t.

Luckily, I ain’t a crazy motherf*cker and I’ve got a child. So I’ll just chill on my porch, stare at the sky, and wonder if Rihanna grabbed one yet.

A star…not Young Chris’s balls.

I wonder what Kanye is up to.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. WHAT THE HELL AM I TALKING ABOUT? aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Be His Beyonce

Kerry-washington_03

Get married.

Pay for dates.

Introduce her to his friends.

Approach her.

Let her know where he lives. 

Commit. 

Make long-term plans.

Be affectionate.

Be seen in public together.

Be seen online together. 

Claim her. 

Propose.

Give head. 

The actions listed above are just a prominent few of the many things I’ve heard…

1. Many women claim that—despite however many requests they’ve made—the men in their lives just aren’t interested in doing.

…and…

2. Many men claim that they just don’t do. 

Usually, when you start to dig deeper, you’ll find that the man’s reluctance to do these things is out of “principle.”

“You know I don’t believe in marriage.” he’ll say over an half-eaten plate of under-cooked garlic parm chicken wings. “You also know I love you. Why isn’t that enough?”

“You know we’re together, and I know we’re together.” he’ll remark while watching back episodes of Hannibal, “Why does it even matter if everyone else knows? What’s the point in telling people and having them all in our business?”

“I’m just sayin.” he’ll type while in the comments section of his second favorite blog. “It just doesn’t make any sense to automatically foot the bill on a first or second date. I mean, she got a job too. Why do I have to be the one to pay?”

Initially, their reasons will make perfect and practical sense. I mean, a marriage is just a piece of paper, right? Why does any one need to know about your relationship? And, what logical sense does it make to pay for a woman’s food if her ass makes more money than you do?

But, after the smoke clears and the dust settles, there’s only one realization left:

Those guys are full of shit. All of them. Every single one. 

How am I so certain?

Well, let’s say Beyonce happened to break up with Jay-Z or Zoe Saldana happened to be single (and happened to be dating brothas) or Rihanna happened to be sane. Basically, let’s say whoever the baddest and finest woman of the moment happened to be happens to be single and very interested in one of those guys. Do you really think that if they happened to have a shot at locking down Kerry Washington, they’d still be on that “I don’t believe in marriage” shit? Do you think they’d refuse to allow Nicole Beharie to post and tag pictures they’ve taken together on Facebook? Do you think that if they finally were able to somehow land a date with that bad-ass chick at the gym that they changed their workout schedule for just so they might “accidentally” bump into her one day, they wouldn’t be ecstatic about paying for the first few dates?

Basically, their “principles” are opportunity-based…which means they’re not even really principles. Just arbitrary rules he’s found no reason to break.

Now, I can already see a counterargument formulating in people’s heads.

“I mean, of course they wouldn’t act that way if they had a realistic shot at Beyonce, but how realistic is that scenario? I mean, I know I’m cute and all, but I’m not Beyonce.”

You’re right, hypothetical woman asking me this randomly specific hypothetical question. You’re not Beyonce. But, that’s exactly my point.

We (guys) talk a very good game. I know this for a fact, because I am one. We’ll say what we’ll do and won’t do, and we’ll appear to be very insistent, stubborn even, about our relationship mores and principles. But, for 99.9999999% of us, all of those principles are thrown out of the window once we meet someone we really, really, really, really like.

The source of much (not all, but much) of the dating and relationship-related angst I’ve witnessed and read about—and the source of the “full of shit”-ness cited above—stems from the fact that many women find themselves in situations where they’re dating someone who just isn’t very excited about them. Maybe they’re not actually Halle Berry or Kerry Washington or Nia Long or whoever, but if a man is excited enough about a woman, he’ll think of her (and treat her) with the same regard he would with any of them. She would effectively be his Beyonce. And, if she’s his Beyonce, there’s no f*cking way he’s insisting on dutch first dates, no f*cking way he hides her from his friends, and definitely no f*cking way he allows “I like you, but I’m not ready to be in a relationship right now.” to escape his lips.

And, for women upset that the guy you’re romantically involved with just doesn’t seem that excited about you and is dead-set on his principles, the “goal” isn’t to convince him to change his mind. Just, well, just find someone who doesn’t need any convincing. We’re all full of shit¹. We just need to find the right person to help prove it.

¹Women are (generally) full of shit too, but today just happens to be about a particular type of man’s particular type of full of shit-ness

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Once An Abuser, Always An Abuser…

...or maybe not

Now, it’s no secret that I’m no fan of The Increasingly Bizarre Chris Brown.

He makes shitty music (calling him a “poor man’s Michael Jackson” is an insult to Micheal Jackson, poor men, and lazy analogies), has shitty roles in shitty movies (The shittiest?Takers” — aka “The Screen Version Of Every Hennessy Ad That Ever Made The Inside Front Cover Of The Source”), has shitty advisers, and hasn’t appeared the least bit contrite for that excessively shitty thing he did to Rihanna three years ago (Again, I don’t personally know him. But, from what I’ve seen, heard, and read, he acts as if he was actually the one victimized that night. And, for people who think that people like me need to “let it go,” I’ll let it go when he stops acting like the one who was victimized that night. Actually, “victimized” isn’t strong enough of a word. “Brutalized” is better. For those who think I’m using too much hyperbole, please read the article linked above. Now, shut the f*ck up.)

Despite all of this, Rihanna seems to have forgiven him. Which is (obviously) her choice. They also seem to be dating now. Well, publicly dating now. And, because of Rihanna’s past brutalization, many — myself included — believe that he will inevitably brutalize her again.

But, what if he doesn’t? What if he all of a sudden becomes a model boyfriend, perfect husband, and doting father? Would the second chance he’s received from her be justified, or is the decision inherently bad regardless of the outcome? I realize that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior — and I do realize that serial abusers are called serial abusers for a reason — but just how I think Rihanna may be taking a very dangerous chance, we — people who assume he’ll beat her again — may be dangerously lazy with our thought process. How can we be so sure, so certain, that he will definitely beat her to a pulp again, especially when — to my knowledge¹ — that brutalization was the only time he abused her?

The Increasingly Bizarre Chris Brown and Rihanna’s star-crossed relationship aside, hearing stone cast beliefs such as like “once an abuser, always an abuser” and “once a cheater, always a cheater” never really sat right with me. They don’t account for any nuance. “Once a cheater, always a cheater” would make more sense if it were an addiction and/or caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, but sometimes people cheat once and never cheat again. And, more importantly, those types of statements reek of something a group of “good” and “self-righteous” people (read: people like me) created in order to make sure that people who once did something bad are forever branded and never forgiven. It’s our way of making sure they’re not “rewarded” for not being good.

The Increasingly Bizarre Chris Brown may in fact be my 2nd least favorite entertainer of all-time (R. Kelly will forever hold the top spot on that list). I wouldn’t trade a hot bucket of cat piss for one of his albums. I also realize that Rihanna getting back with the man who publicly brutalized her sets a terrible example for her millions of young female (and male) fans; many of whom will look at their situation and think “Well, Rihanna took Breezy back, so a couple punches can’t be all that bad.

But, despite how I feel about him, can I say with any confidence that if he and Rihanna stay together, he will definitely abuse her again?

No, I can’t. And, since I can’t, I won’t.

¹I’m not super well-versed in Chrihanna news, so if there are any other documented instances of him abusing women that I haven’t heard about, please let me know

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

10 Tattoo Ideas For Chris Brown Better Than Rihanna’s February 2009 Face

Starting at the top, I do not believe that Chris Brown tatted the face of a battered woman on his body. Or his neck.

Keep up.

However, I do understand why somebody might think that he’s crazy enough to do so. See, Chris Brown has reached that rare space where if something crazy happens and he’s in the vicinity, there’s probably a better than 50 percent change he’s responsible. Or if something outwardly stupid occurs, and it involves him, it’s highly likely that its intentional or at least not unintentional.

For instance, if you are walking down the street and a chair comes flying out of a window, and two minutes later you see Breezy dance out of the buildling, well, if you assumed he is the one who threw the chair nobody would really dispute or disagree with that conclusion. Or let’s just say that he gets a tattoo that resembles the face of a battered woman – you know, something he’s familiar with – even if it isn’t supposed to be a battered woman, well, assuming that Chris Brown might be dumb enough to get a tattoo that unintentionally resembles the face of the woman he laid his hands on seems totally inbounds, therefore he got a tattoo of a battered woman. Even Mike Tyson would wince at that. You know, hypothetically speaking. In fact, Chris Brown enjoys company with only Ron Artest and Mike Tyson in this club for folks who actually do sh*t that while absolutely insane, seems like just another day at the office. I’m not sure if Chris is proud of bothered by this. Probably a bit of both.

Let’s just say, if Chris Brown walked out on stage holding a wang and a bong and said he was supporting the cause of hermaphrodite tadpoles by discouraging the use of latex mirrors, I wouldn’t even bat an eye.

With that being said, Chris Brown’s biggest problem here is his handlers. So I’m going to officially throw my hat in the ring to be his new Tattoo Czar. He’s got quite the collection already and is obviously hellbent on adding new interesting and questionably tattoos, so I figure that I’ll give him some ideas for tats that will be no less attention-worthy, but won’t really make him look like a deranged d*ck either.

Such as?

Such as…

1. Big Bird f*cking Snuffleupagus

Let’s be real, we’ve all thought it happened anyway. Either way this tat would be both playful and ridiculous and tackle an age old question: are Sesame Street characters asexual?

2. An old woman smoking weed with sunglasses on

This could be in support of medical marijuana usage in California and soon-to-be nationwide! This way he is supporting the AARP set AND the stoner set. This can’t possibly piss anybody off.

3. A white person wearing a Black Panther shirt

This could be one of those big tats that he could show off at concerts in attempts to promote racial harmony and unity. And what’s better than racial harmoney and unity?

Glad you asked…

4. Tupac in a wheelchair coming out the courthouse before going upstate

You know, the iconic photo of ‘Pac. Well, that’s somebody in pain, but nobody would think twice about that. Well, I mean tattin’ ‘Pac on your body is something The Game or Nas would do actually, but still, Chris Brown could tat that in the name of vulnerability or artists who are misunderstood and who do misunderstood sh*t.

5. Beyonce

Though this may definitely cause problems in his own household considering his new chick must absolutely hate Rihanna…so wait, that might be a win actually because Ri-Ri’s natural enemy is Beyonce! Though, he definitely would never be able to smang Rihanna again despite every attempt those two seem to be making to get back together. And he soooooo wants to smang her again.

6. Aaliyah

I mean, Drake has pretty much cornered the market on Aaliyah standom…or has he? After the whole bottle incident that Kevin Hart TOTALLY BOMBED at the VMAs, wouldn’t it just be kind of sneaky good to one up Drake with an Aaliyah tat as well? Not some retarded fill in of the dates either, but like a tat that was a .gif of Aaliyah rocking the boat? I see potential here.

7. A six-pointed pentagram

What? It ain’t like I said a 3-angled rhombus.Seriously, when was the last time you read a blog and saw the word rhombus?

8. Coca-Cola

Since he’s no stranger to odd-ball behavior, being the first rapper to sell skin as ad space might be a good move for him. Plus, that would put him in direct competition with all the famous folks hawking Pepsi. Kanye, Chris is coming for you.

9. An oddly resembling Kim Kardashian face

Talk about your convo starter. It could start a cat fight between he, Kanye West, Kris Jenner, and Kris Humphries. By the way, I know we think Chris is kind of loopy, but is there any doubt that he’d whip Kanye’s ass in a fight? Doubt it.

10. His own face

Not sure how popular this was every where else, but we had this tragic era in Atlanta of people tatting their names in cursive on their arms. Yes. Their own names. Well, what if he big leagued everybody and tatted his own face on his neck? I believe Marlon said it best when he sang in harmony with his brothers, “can you feel it?” I think you can.

So what do you think? Is Chris Brown crazy enough to tat a picture of a battered woman on his person? And how’d I do as his Tattoo Czar? And what OTHER tats do you think Chris Brown should have considered instead of the one he chose?

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. I AIN’T GOT NO TATS aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Thoughts On The Light-Skinned Beef Heard Round The World, And More…

It was all good just a week ago

1. The Increasingly Bizarre Chris Brown (IBCB for short) is becoming a caricature of himself

You know how in every crime/heist movie, there’s always that one skittish and perpetually sweaty guy who no one really wants to talk to, no one ever wants to partner with, no one trusts with a gun? The guy with strange clothes and “unique” hygiene that’s only involved with the crew because…well, no one really knows why he’s involved with the crew, and the only reason his character was even written was to provide an in-house foil to annoy (and potentially sabotage) the rest of the characters?

Well, I’m not going to say that IBCB is becoming that guy, but IBCB is becoming that guy. His continued descent from “boy next door” to“that sweaty, skeevy, rapey guy with the platinum Caesar and the sleeveless jean jacket doing push-ups in a bar bathroom” has been amazing to witness. You can even argue that Britney Spears is the only other celebrity ever to go from “widespread heartthrob” to “person who creeps the hell out of everyone with an IQ over 86” as quickly as he has.

***“BOY FIGHT! Thoughts on the (Alleged) Drake v. Chris Brown Beef”— my latest at Ebony.com (and an article I obviously did not title) — lists four of my initial thoughts about what could be the most entertaining beef in hip-hop history. While I definitely want you to go over there and read the rest of the list, here are a couple more quick things I want to add

1. As much as I chide toughDrake for being, to quote Big Ghost, “the human electric slide,” I actually don’t dislike him or his music at all. I know his latest album was full of songs that may not even actually be songs, but I’ve stopped expecting him to live up to the expectations he set with “So Far Gone” and “Comeback Season” and just accepted him for who he is — a diabolical (Yes. Diabolical. “Marvin’s Room” was some diabolical-ass shit) stripper-saving “Merchant of Cuddles,” and a talented guy who makes decent albums that you wouldn’t be caught dead actually listening to.

2. Apparently, a three-way series of passive aggressive Rihanna-related tweets between toughDrake, IBCB, and…Meek Mill preceded all of this. Somewhere, Suge Knight is spinning in his grave. (and eating waffles)

3. Rihanna still scares the shit out of me. And by “scares the hell out of me” I mean “somehow simultaneously arouses and scares the hell out of me.” I’ve never been more attracted to a woman who I didn’t think was really all that attractive. Her p*ssy is a paradox, and I somehow feel haunted by it just by typing her name. Basically, she’s the coital “Candyman.”

If this doesn’t make any sense, good. It doesn’t to me either.

***Before you leave today, I want you to go and check out Anything But Style. It’s a fashion blog run by a good friend of mine, and she decided to celebrate her blog’s one year anniversary by launching her own online vintage clothing store today. Although she’s a (gasp) Delta, I’m very proud of her for setting a goal and doing what she needed to do to accomplish it.

***Lastly, check out A.P., this week’s Very Smart Single, and hit us up at contact@verysmartbrothas.com if interested in getting to know her better.

That’s it for me today. People of VSB.com, what’s new on your ends of the world and shit?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)