Rappers Do Dumb-Ass Things, And Say Dumb-Ass Sh*t. Why Is This News Now?

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On the strength of his Ether-related “comeback,” there are few albums I anticipated more than Nas’s Stillmatic. (Honestly, Wu-Forever and MBDTF are the only other albums I waited for with that type of anxiety.) He didn’t disappoint, either, as tracks such as Second Childhood and Rewind exhibited the type of ambitiously—even painfully—detailed creativity long-time Nas fans had been expecting from him.

The album climaxes with One Mic, a track that somehow managed to pull all of Nas’s best qualities together to create a song that some critics called “the best song of the decade.”

Perhaps the most memorable and rewindable part of that song combines Jesus, bullets, and a bit of tricky math to create a four bar stretch that I considered to be one of the best, most creative, and most clever collection of lyrics I’d ever heard.

Jesus died at age 33, there’s 33 shots

From twin Glocks there’s sixteen apiece, that’s 32

Which means one of my guns was holding 17

27 hit your crew. 6 went into you

I listened to this song again the other day. And, while the track and those lines still sound as hot as ever, something dawned on me. A question. Three, actually.

“Wait, what the f*ck is he talking about? How the f*ck do you go from Jesus to shooting random n*ggas in a 13 word stretch? And, what’s the connection between Jesus’s age and the number of bullets you needed to murder this anonymous crew?”

Now, I’m not saying this to pick on Nas. He remains one of my favorite rappers. But, songs like One Mic and my reaction to it remind me of one of the first things I learned about rap:

Rappers are prone to say shit that sounds smart and clever and intellectual and witty but makes no f*cking sense. You could even argue that a very, very, very high percentage (I’d guess somewhere between 40 and 60) of the most clever, rewindable, and “higher-level” sounding bars are created because…

A) It sounded good

B) He figured out that “euphemism” and “new religion” kinda rhyme with each other, and thought it would be cool to find a way to put that in a song

Mind you, I’m not saying that all rap is like this. Most of the best rappers put a decent amount of thought and effort into constructing their lyrics, and even the nonsense is somewhat intentional. But, when an art form is based on braggadocio and hyperbole—and prominently features (relatively) uneducated street dudes—sounding “cool” and “clever” is going to take precedent over “making sense.”

I’m not making any new revelations here. People who follow rap are generally aware that what I’m saying is true. But, while the concept and the awareness of this concept aren’t new, the pushback they’re beginning to receive is. Yes, rappers have always come under fire for their lyrics, but between Rick Ross’s date rape anthem, LL Cool J’s bizarre forgiveness of slavery, Lil Wayne’s reference to Emmett Till, and Nicki Minaj calling herself as a Republican, there have been at least four instances in the last six months where a throwaway lyric from a popular rapper became headline news.

Making this pushback even more unique is that it isn’t really coming from people like Dolores Tucker or Tipper Gore but actual fans of rap music.

At the moment, I’m somewhat ambivalent about this trend. While a part of me is encouraged to finally see rappers asked to answer for their lyrics, this criticism seems a little disingenuous, and raises more questions than it answers. For instance, why now? We’ve all heard worse and more socially irresponsible lyrics than the ones being criticized now, so where is this pushback coming from?

Also, when does it stop? If we took a fine-toothed comb and went through the catalogs of each and every one of the 100 or so most popular rappers—even “conscious” and (generally) socially palatable ones like Lupe Fiasco, Talib Kweli, and Common–with the goal of boycotting the ones with questionable lyrics and content, rap would be left with exactly zero rappers.

Lemme put it this way: Rappers like Rick Ross and Nicki Minaj are easy targets anyone with a blog and a petition board could hit with a blindfold; low-hanging, resume-building fruit. Taking shots at them will give you quick praise and easy co-signs among most educated Blacks and non-Blacks. But, if we’re going to do that, why not also go after Jay-Z for making half a billion dollars off of selling crack, writing music about selling crack, and writing more music about how he got rich from writing songs about selling crack? Or the Obamas for inviting him to the White House? If you’re going to boycott Lil Wayne, will you also delete every Wu, Biggie, Nas, Tupac, Snoop, and Kanye song from your iPod? Does Nicki Minaj really talk more shit than Lauryn Hill did?

Even everyone’s favorite rap band has a song with a couple lines that, if taken literally…

And when I’m breaking it off
Its no denying the fact it’s wrong
‘Cause you got a man who’s probably playing his part
You probably breaking his heart

“You want it gripped up, flipped, and thrown
And get stripped and shown, the way to get in the zone”

…would play out pretty much exactly like the oft-criticized rape scene in Temptation. 

Again though, I don’t necessarily think that it’s a bad thing that rappers are facing some heat now. Whether it’s music, words, or just energy, we all should be responsible and accountable for what we put out to the world, and artists are no different. But, a part of me looks at the type of rappers being called out—and the people doing most of the calling out (college educated writers and bloggers)—and can’t help but wonder if there’s some intellectual class bias going on here. Basically, “smart” rappers—or, more specifically, rappers “smart” people like—are generally immune, while rappers we’re not supposed to like or support seem to be the targets.

As Nas would say…

Jesus was born in a barn

“Blog” starts with the letter B

so does bitch, Bane, and HBCU

Y’all need to listen to me!!!

Nasspeak translation: I have a tendency to include some pretty racist and misogynistic nonsense in my raps. But, as long as it sounds “smart”—and as long as I make the occasional song about my daughter—it’s all good.

-–Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

How Rick Ross Proves That Irrational Self-Confidence is The Ultimate Panty-Dropper

I published something at Ebony yesterday about the peculiar infatuation many white-collar young black guys seem to have with Rick Ross. Titled “Strange Love: Black Men and Rick Ross,” I tried to come up with a few reasons to explain this phenomenon, but I didn’t really buy any of them. There were no “Voila!” moments, just a couple theories that didn’t hold as much water as I would have liked them to.

Anyway, after I saw that the article was live, I posted a link to it on Twitter. It got a few replies/retweets, but none more interesting than the responses I got from Demetria Lucas. 

@VerySmartBros@EBONYMag there’s a quality essay to be written abt why bourgie women like Ross too. Totally diff reasons than you mentioned.

@VerySmartBros LOL. I might be one of his biggest fans.

@VerySmartBros@EBONYMag i enjoy the themes of hustle/ambition. and also the shameless arrogance. similar reasons to why I like Kanye.

 

As I said in a reply to her, I remember how floored I was a few years ago the first time I heard a female friend of mine express that she was infatuated with Rick Ross. As variable and unpredictable and arbitrary and contradictory and occasionally dependent on time, weather, location, vocation, and how many of her girlfriends want to sleep (or have already slept) with him as “what the hell women are attracted to” tends to be, I thought I had a pretty good idea of the type of guy that would get multiple women all Brazilian Rainforesty down there. Basically, it’s easy to see how and why women would be very attracted to guys like Idris Elba and Dwyane Wade and Common, and you assume that most women would go gaga over those guys.

But, that same instant recognition didn’t immediately apply to Ross, and I had trouble “getting” how a life-threateningly obese guy who looks like he smells like a Black & Mild factory managed to, to quote my homegirl, get her “all tingly inside” when he speaks.

Yet, as more and more and more and more women I knew would sing his praises, it began to dawn on me. His appeal isn’t necessarily about his music or his voice or his larger-than-life stature or even his (presumed) riches as much as it’s about the fact that he is an unfalteringly, unflinchingly, unflappably, and, to be quite honest, irrationally confident motherf*cker. His steadfast belief in his own “I’m the sh*t”-ness — even when the shaky merits of his status are publicly questioned and exposed — is infectious, causing others to believe “Well, if he’s so certain, he must be the sh*t” by osmosis.

Obviously, this doesn’t affect everyone. There are many women who are, for lack of a better term, disgusted by him, and even more disgusted that everyone isn’t disgusted.

Ross is just one example, though, of the fact that there is no other quality a man can possess that will “raise his sexual stock” better than a belief in himself so strong it almost borders on insanity. Irrational self-confidence — not height, not status, not intelligence, not handsomeness, not a Bentley coupe — is the ultimate panty-dropper. 

This doesn’t mean that this level of confidence won’t immediately repel many women too. It most certainly will. In fact, it will immediately repel far more women than it immediately attracts. But, the fact that it does repel actually adds to the aura, as knowing that this irrationally confident motherf*cker doesn’t give a damn if his irrational confidence offends anyone, hurts any feelings, or even makes any logical sense has a way of turning women all the way on.

Also, it’s important to note that I keep repeating terms like “panty-dropping” and “turned on” and “tingly” and “Brazilian Rainforesty.” That’s intentional. By and large, women usually do not want to seriously date and/or marry irrationally confident men. No one aside from the WorldStarHipHop “model” of the week actually wants to marry Rick Ross.

But, white-collar brothers, be warned. Why? Well, let’s just say that if your girl is sitting beside you smirking to herself while you’re blasting “MC Hammer” in the whip on the way to brunch, she’s probably not thinking about bottomless mimosas.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

I’m Not Ashamed: That Ignant Sh*t We’re Not Afraid To Like

Although yesterday’s “Things Bougie Black Girls Say”¹ may have implied otherwise, I don’t have anything against them at all. In fact, I’d say that the vast majority of the 25 to 35 year old women I’m close to qualify. Many of my homegirls are Thai-loving Deltas, and how else would I know that Target makes bougie black girls squirt without being in the room while it happens?

Also — and I’m sure this admission won’t shock anyone reading this — I’m (somewhat) bougie myself.  Brunch is my favorite meal, I too find myself asking “Wait, who else is going?” whenever I’m invited somewhere, and while I won’t join you at the Smiling Banana Leaf, I won’t think twice about dropping 25 bucks for a gourmet cheeseburger.

Despite this bougieness, there are a few particularly anti-bougie things I just can’t get enough of — sh*t that’s about as legitimately tacky, gaudy, uncouth, ignant, and, gasp, ratchet as one can get. I wouldn’t call them guilty pleasures either, because there’s absolutely no guilt involved, no shame in my game. I like it, and if you don’t like the fact that I like it, you can like deez.

This list includes…

Rick Ross

I know his subject matter is about as varied as the skin tones of the crowds at Rick Santorum rallies, and I know his incessant grunting, “uhhh”-ing, and “whooo!!!”-ing occasionally makes it feel like I’m listening to a warthog masturbate, but I can’t deny the fact that his music makes me repeat things like “I levitate on all you p*ssy n*ggas” to myself while waiting in line at Au Bon Pain.

Also, he actually is a good rapper. Panama mentioned this to me a year or so ago and I scoffed at him, but he actually does check all the cadence, word play, and “beatrideability” boxes you’d want.

(Btw, with both Twinkie and Maybach going under within days of each other, isn’t Rick Ross having the worst week ever?)

The Twerk Team, and various other strippers, pseudo porn stars, and kitchen sink twerkers on YouTube and WorldStarHipHop

You ever happen to view some video of some random hoodrat bootyclapping in her bathroom, see that the vid has like 400,000 views, and wonder “Who the hell are these 400,000 people that sit around and watch videos like this all day?

I’m not saying I’m one of those people, but, well, I’m just not saying that I’m one of those people.

Kool-Aid

Yes, I know it’s nothing but water, sugar, compressed paint chips, and asbestos. Yes, I know that too much of it will give me the gout or the diabeetis. And yes, I know “Hey, you want some Kool-Aid?” makes bougie black girl’s panties drier than KG’s lips.

But, there’s no other beverage that manages to go well with hotcakes, hotdogs, and hangovers alike, and the Kool-Aid test — Can you make a half gallon pitcher without looking at the directions? — is my version of the bougie black girl’s passport test.

American Muscle Cars

My love for Chargers is well-documented, but I don’t think that linked article fully encapsulates my infatuation. Let’s put it this way: You ever play the “what would you buy?” game, where you’re asked what car you’d purchase first if you had an unlimited income? (Btw, if this sentence urges you to leave a comment talking about how we’ll never rise as a people as long as we keep talking about spending money on the white man’s chariot, please quell that urge, and please go stick your head in a toilet and flush it)

Well, while my first choice is usually the Panamera, my second choice is usually “You know, I’d probably just buy a 700 horse power engine and put in my car.” Who cares if this choice shows that my imagination game is on “comatose,” and who gives a damn that the only time I’d actually be able to use the extra horses is when I’m speeding through a yellow light on the way to Trader Joe’s. That’s what I want, if you still have an issue with it, we can meet outside after brunch and “settle” our disagreement.

That’s enough ignance and ratchetrey for me. People of VSB, we already know that you negroes skew bougie, so list some decidedly non-bougie things that you’re not afraid or ashamed to admit that you like.

¹Thought you all might like to know that not only did “Shit Bougie Black Girls Say” have the most unique visits in VSB history, it beat the next closest entry by 17,000. I guess the bougie nerve is quite sensitive. 

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Are You Watching The Throne? Probably Not For Long

We used to care...now we're just rich and bored so we made a rich and bored album.

This past Monday, Jay-Z and Kanye West’s joint venture, Watch The Throne, hit iTunes, much to the chagrin of independent outlets and retailers everywhere. I can’t really say that I was anticipating it since I hated the song, “H.A.M.” since it, well, sucked and “Otis” sounds like a song that’s supposed to be dope but the beat blows. I will say that nobody does “swag rap” better than Jay or Kayne. Well except Biggie. And Big Daddy kane.

But last I checked they were both dead.

Let’s just put this out front. Jay is my favorite rapper of all time. Kanye, right now, is probably right behind him as my favorite rapper of the right now. I feel like Kanye is way more important to pop-culture than Jay is and ultimately more relevant but that’s neither here nor there. I’m also a huge fan of Kanye’s artisticness. You can’t convince me that My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy (MBDTF) isn’t one of the best albums to come out in the past ten years. Point is, I’m a big fan of both of these to. So I don’t say this lightly…but…

…Watch The Throne kind of isn’t dope.

It’s not to say that it’s not a solid album. It is. It’s just that there’s very little on this album that I’ll ever really want to listen to again. In fact, the ONLY songs I’ve listened to on repeat are “Nigg*s In Paris” and “Gotta Have It” which might bet the least Neptune’s sounding Neptune’s beat in a long long while. Everything else can go. I wish somebody would make those songs into birds so that they could fly, fly far far away. Like “Made In America” featuring everybody’s favorite singer du jour Frank Ocean. My god is this song gay. You know, I honestly didn’t think that Jay could make worse songs than that terrible song with Usher and Beyonce from Kingdom Come but apparently he wanted to assure us that he could. It just sounds so…so…gay. I’m fairly sure they’re going to have to release “Lift Off” featuring Beyonce as a single for that very reason and it is also on some ducksauce.

You know what…forget the track by track sh*t. Here’s the problem with this album. Actually there are two. 1) This isn’t a Jay and Kanye album…it’s a Kanye album featuring Jay. It’s too musical to be a Jay album. Period. It’s got the Kanye imprint all over it. Kanye is an artist at this point, hate him or love him. Jay on the other hand is and will always be a rapper. No matter how emo a beat he tries to rap over or how “different” sounding the beat, ultimately he’s a rapper. And that comes thru as Jay seems, in my opinion, to be more or less of an afterthought a lot of times. It’s not that he’s not delivering Jay verses (lazy as they may be), its just that he’s too cool to be on some music sh*t. Kanye sounds like he cares WAY more than Jay does to be rapping on this album. Which leads to the second problem… 2) I kind of feel like Kanye didn’t care that much or was bored but finished it anyway.

For all of his faults, one thing you’d never fault Kanye for is not having a dope ear for cohesion and putting together an outstanding product. He always seems to want to make a classic album even though 808s and Heartbreaks was far from that. But at least he swung for the fences by changing up his whole sound and innovating. This album really to me sounds like a lazy version of both Blueprint 3 and uber leftover beats from MBDTF that weren’t good enough to make that album in any way shape or form.

[Sidenote: There is something to be said though that the only comparison's that hold water with these two are their own bodies of work. That can't be stated enough.]

I mean, it doesn’t even sound as good sonically as MBDTF…an album that came out almost a year ago. That album sounded beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. You’d think that if anything, sonically it would be on the same level but it’s not. Which is the rub, its not that the album isn’t decent. It is. It’s just that nobody’s going to be talking about this album once they run out of songs to release.

You know what, here’s how I can sum up this album…Rick Ross wouldn’t rap on any of this sh*t except maybe ONLY “N*ggas In Paris”. I can hear Rick Ross murdering that beat. I honestly feel at this point Rick Ross knows how to pick music and sounds that compliment exactly what he’s trying to do. He knows how to make epic sh*t. If Rick Ross is getting on your sh*t, it’s because it’s a motherf*cking monster. Pun intended. He would have gotten on ANYTHING on MBDTF. I feel like he probably was cool on everything on this album.

In fact, my favorite parts of the album are the beat change-ups similar to MBDTF which feature, surprisingly very little rapping and I’m not upset about it.

Not to mention this being the least relatable album I’ve ever listened to or the fact that Jay and ‘Ye both sound a little…off….trying to rap about social issues, an area Jay has proven to struggle in the past, though I like “New Day”, but again, Kanye’s verse seems more…better. Real talk, I’d be lying if I recited any of these lyrics as my personal mantra. I can’t even fake 90 percent of this sh*t.

I know a lot of people love it, and that’s good. Hell, I paid for it already and want a physical copy. I’m a fan but I probably won’t be listening this too much longer and I think that goes for most people. For two individuals who seem to care about their legacy, I’m just surprised that they’d release an album that neither adds nor detracts from it. This joint just exists until we forget about it. It’s like a David Guetta song. Or Lady Gaga music. Or LMFAO. It’s pop music with hard drums. And soft songs. Because it’s Jay and ‘Ye I want to love this, but I’m over it already.

D’oh well. On to the next one.

Oh, and one more question…how the f*ck does Swizz Beatz go so much production work and so many random features? Who does he have naked pictures of? Inquiring minds would like to know.

What’s your take? Are you watching the throne?

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka PANYE EAST aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Certified Gangsta?

I do not think that I’m Big Meech.

Or Larry Hoover.

In fact, I’m pretty sure that Rick Ross doesn’t either. I get the impression that deep down, Rick Ross is kind of  a p*ssy. I have nothing firm to base this on, but he reminds me of the same big talk cats I used to know in some of my less than stellar stomping grounds who would b*tch up at the most times. He just has way better rhyming skills and has a great ear for beats.

But yes, the odd fears of the gangsta. In the past few weeks I’ve come across some individuals who would easily fit the profile of “a little more hood than the average cat” (namely through their actual known convictions) who had the MOST irrational fears I’ve heard of. Not only that, but then…you know what…why give away the story up front. Here are a list of odd fears of a gangsta…

1) Thunderstorms

I wish I was lying, but my Dominos delivery man looks like he just got out prison…the day before every day he’s ever delivered my pizza. Dayquan is a cool dude and all but let’s just say I meet him far away from my front door to get my food. Anyway, one day a few weeks ago, I haphazardly ordered a pizza and then the sky dropped. I mean thunder lightning and women in stilettos. It was bananas. But here comes Dayquan in his tricked out Dodge Magnum. Except instead of getting out of his car, he beckoned me over…into the rain. I go to his car, visibly mad that the delivery man didn’t deliver my sh*t, and he’s like, “yo dog, I don’t do thunderstorms man. Like, you see what they do to trees?? What they gonna do to me, man?? I don’t have no thunder, dog.” By the way, he forgot my Sprite. Oh, and I didn’t make up any part of that story aside from the name. Yeah, this dude is scared of thunderstorms.

2) Heights

I known a lot of people are scared of heights. But thugs aren’t scared of jail where the opportunity for being gangraped by 12 cholos and 3 guys named ‘Toine is nearly imminent. Yet, I know dudes who have committed armed robberies and possible “other” felonies who straight up do.not.f*ck.with.heights. Like, keep me away from the edge of this two story building because I don’t want to die from falling off this lowscraper.

3) Mice

I don’t like mice either, but I’ve definitely murdered my fair share of Mickey’s cousins. I do not like mice in my space. Well, I have a cousin in ATL who had quite the rep in a recently departed housing project that was commonly shouted out by ATL thugs on the Westside. And this dude did NOT do mice under any circumstance. He was a hop on the chair kind of dude. And I’ve seen it happen. Big Black Af from building 422…no problem. Tiny little fieldmouse from Bolton Road? B*tchmade.

4) Cats

Gangstas and thugs are conspiracy theorists by nature. Except their conspiracies aren’t always of the intellectual variety. Sometimes they theorize about sh*t like why cats are the devil spawn and how society is really going to come to a downfall because a cat will end up as the head of the Illuminati and Jay-Z will take his orders directly from him. Or her, because nobody’s really sure if cats are male or female despite the obvious ability to, ya know, check. I’ve had a dude tell me that cats were the original racists. And for that reason, he never really trusted cats, people with cats, and could never root for a college who had a cat mascot.

5) Marionettes/Ventriloquist Dummies

The first time the word marrionette gets mentioned on this site and its attached to gangstas. Amazing what we do here. Hell, when was the last time you heard the word marionette? I happened upon a convo in my old apartment complex in ATL between a guy who would eventually be placed on the GBI’s 10 Most Wanted List and one of his homeys and these ninjas were debating about marionettes. Lil’ Murder? He was seriously shook about them. Something about the strings. Once again, I’m not making this up. I added ventriliquist dummies because they weird me out and cuz, baby, well I’m a thug.

Anyway, Monday morning masses, are you aware of any irrational and odd fears that gangstas tend to have? By the way ladies, its midnight…

…do you know where your ovaries are?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka VITAMIN P aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3