Tag Archives: relationships

The $12.95 Question: How The Hell Do Women Use So Much Damn Toilet Paper???

Posted on by
523

3-7-08-toilet-paper

I am not an expert on toilet paper use or usage. I doubt anyone is, actually. I don’t think there’s much of a demand for “toilet paper use/usage” experts, and, since there’s no demand, I can’t imagine anyone spending enough time studying toilet paper use and usage to become expert at. But, just in case these people do exist, I just want to make it clear that I’m not one of them. Toilet paper use/usage expertise poseur, I am not.

Anyway, since I am no expert, I’m not sure of what constitutes an “acceptable” amount of toilet paper use. I know how much I tend to use and how often I tend to buy toilet paper, and, assuming I don’t do an abnormal amount of shitting, I’ve crafted my idea of what is normal around that knowledge. I could be wrong, but I’m probably not. I am sure, though, that every single woman I’ve ever been with somehow manages to go through toilet paper like there’s a bacon-wrapped rainbow at the end of each roll.

Originally, I thought this might have just been a coincidence. Maybe I just happened to find and date the small percentage of women who go through rolls so quickly it seems like they’re just eating it. Maybe I was buying cheap paper. Maybe I just happened to like chicks who shit a lot. Stumped and saddened, I began asking friends if they noticed the same pattern, hoping that I wasn’t the weird one, the one who somehow ended up dating a perpetual stream of toilet paper Krakens.

I was happy to learn that I’m not alone, that there were other men suffering in silence, fatigued after having to make midnight toilet paper runs to 7-11 even though they’d just purchased eight rolls the weekend before, shamed by the fact that, when in relationships, their bank statements look like the “what wrong with this picture?” page in Highlights Magazine as they’ve had to budget for car payments, rent, student loans, food, and toilet paper, and embarrassed that they had no f*cking clue how or why this happens.

This realization came some time ago. Now, a few years and a couple women later, aside from a couple theories (My favorite? Since women’s asses tend to be bigger than men’s asses, maybe it just takes more toilet paper to do a thorough wipe. If it seems like I’m reaching pretty far, good. Mission accomplished. And pun intended.) I’m still stumped, and I still have no idea how the hell this happens. I’ve thought about hiding in the shower the next time The Gay Reindeer takes a shit to see first-hand what happens in there, but, um, yeah, no. As much as I want to figure this out, I want to keep the hairs in my nostrils from burning off even more.

So, once and for all, can someone please tell me how the hell do women use so much damn toilet paper? What the hell are they doing in the bathroom that requires them to use 14 sheets per second? Are they eating it? Hoarding it? Making paper mache effigies of hated co-workers and Keyshia Cole? Is it about some subconscious sexual thing with plumbers?Please, for the love of God, someone let me know.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

 

Rants And Resolutions For The Day After Valentine’s Day

Posted on by
218
If this is you every V-Day, please save us the trouble and eat some crackers

If this is you every V-Day, please save us the trouble and eat some crackers

What’s the day after Valentine’s Day without some love-related resolutions and rants from The Champ? 

Stop saying “I’m so sorry to hear that” whenever you hear about a relationship ending.

If a relationship ends it’s because two people don’t want to be together anymore. People realizing “Hey. I’m not happy anymore. Lemme go find some happiness” is a good thing. A great thing! “Something ending” doesn’t always have to mean “something bad.” You know what’s bad? People choosing to stay in shitty relationships. In fact, save “I’m so sorry to hear that” for the next time your shitty-relationshiped friend tells you they’re still trying to work things out.

If you’re in a relationship and you care more about Valentine’s Day now than you did when you were single and/or dating, you likely have a shitty relationship.

The angst some single people feel around V-Day is understandable. Annoying ass the f*ck. But understandable. Even roaches like company.

But, if you’re in an actual relationship and you absolutely need this day to be special, to prove that something is still there, to validate all the time, effort, and swallowing you’ve put into it so far, it’s probably time for you to take your relationship to the animal shelter. `

Letting everyone know every Valentine’s Day how much you hate Valentine’s Day doesn’t make you cool.

No one cares that you hate it. Really, no one cares. Collectively, we give less f*cks than Rozay’s nutritionist. Just go to Yoga, eat some lonely-ass peanut butter crackers, and watch Colbert on your phone while on the toilet at lunch like you do every other day.

If you can’t f*ck with the lights on, you shouldn’t be f*cking

Not saying everyone needs to f*ck with the lights on. Sometimes, you need the shadows to bring out the Dark Knight. But, if you always need a shroud of darkness to be comfortable enough with someone to do it, you’re not really comfortable enough to do it

There’s nothing wrong with being a hypocrite

Like whatever the f*ck you like. Just don’t be a hypocrite who complains when you’re not able to get whatever the f*ck you like.

If you’ve ever been seriously mad at someone about a ridiculously improbable hypothetical—Example: he took too long to answer when you asked him if he’d leave you if he had the chance to bone a 21 year old Pam Grier—go eat a beet

No. Seriously. Stop reading this, get up, go to your fridge, take a raw beet out of it, and eat it. If you don’t have a beet, just eat a fork. While doing this, strip naked, walk to the nearest full-length mirror, and do 25 crunches

Think about this experience—the memory of you doing crunches on a cold floor, the taste of the mouth full of beets, the shame of being face to face with your anus every time you complete a crunch in the mirror—the next time you consider getting pissed about a ridiculously improbable hypothetical

That’s enough ranting for me today. Did I miss anything?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Now Here’s Some Bad Relationship Advice….

Posted on by
211

In my family it’s my cousin James. He means well, but really, his advice is the kind to have you sitting in a jail cell on a Friday night while he’s out with your skittle-flavored vodka and that dime-piece you finagled from Whole Foods, aisle 9.

James is the provider of some of the worst advice ever. For instance, while at a family barbecue when I was 22, James suggested that I should take two shots of Henny followed by two shots of Grand Marnier “because I could handle it”. “Borrowing” my Grandmother’s Crown Vic? All my cousin James. In his mind, Grandma didn’t really use it anyway and it was a shame to have it sitting in the driveway all pristine and getting no real burn. I paid for that one dearly.

That damn Cu’n James.

Have you ever had skittle-flavored vodka? One of my kids god parents introduced me to soaking skittles in vodka. It tastes like Kool-Aid for real.

And speaking of my child, she will be 4 years old on Sunday. Where has the time gone?

Back to the terrible relationship advice. If there’s one thing that everybody has an opinion on, it’s relationships. Hell, our entire blog was founded upon the principles of love, peace, and hair grease. We’ve probably doled out bad advice here on occasion. Though real spit, at the end of the day, nearly all (good) relationship advice can fall into three categories: 1) you should talk to them and not me; 2) treat people like you’d like to be treated; and 3) trust yourself and your instincts.

Oh, and if you feel compelled to have to snoop (no gin and juice) to prove to yourself what you already know, you should probably just walk away and realize your mind has already decided what your heart hopes isn’t true.

Anyway, much like my cousin James, I’ve heard lots of terrible relationship advice over the years…here are some doozies…

1. “We ain’t getting no younger, girl let’s just get married…”

Well, that was from Jagged Edge’s song, “Let’s Get Married”. Which isn’t bad advice to give to your homeboy as long as no women are in earshot. There are just certain pieces of advice that do well with men but women will take as being devoid of though, sensitivity, and compassion. And that’s probably true most of the time. We’re men. We do man sh*t.

2. “Put yourself out there. What’s the worst she can say, ‘no thanks?’”

In theory, this is perfect advice. But you know that beer commercial about superstition and football that says “it’s only weird if it doesn’t work”, yeah. Anybody who has ever put themselves out there and been rejected KNOWS that “no thanks” is never the end of it. There’s always the awkward silences then there’s the pain of realizing you just made yourself look like a fool. Not only does it hurt, but NOW you have to avoid said person for at least a few weeks because no amount of humor is going to make the situation any less embarrassing.

3. “Women may say “no” but they really mean yes. They want you to take it..”

Otherwise known as the rape special.

4. “You should give him a chance, he seems nice and he says he changed…”

It seems like most women have that one homegirl with very little common sense. I could be overexaggerating but I’ve witnessed that exchange in person. More than once. More than twice. It usually doesn’t end well. Optimism is the key to life though and you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, plus two wrongs don’t make a right…and nothing’s wrong as the night I left you guessing…all that jazz….you’ve got the jazz, we’ve got the jazz…..

5. “You should surprise him at his job or house when he least expects you to be there. Men LOVE surprises.”

This shouldn’t be bad advice but it usually only comes from a friend trying to convince somebody who is only dating another person that they should effectively take a chance on setting themselves up and hoping for the best. Plus, men do not love surprises. At all. Trust me.

So what is the worst relationship advice you’ve heard? And what’s the worst relationship advice you’ve followed? It’s Friday. Dish it.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONISTS aka MR. UNCLE FATHER aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

 

Why Finding The “Right One” Is All About Luck

Posted on by
485

I usually have a particular topic and the angle I want to approach this topic from already in mind when I sit down to write a post. Some days, this goes even further, as maybe 600 words out of a 800 word piece were already written in my head before I began writing.

Sometimes, though, I’ll start off with a preconceived angle and shift course while I’m actually writing. This occurred yesterday.

My original angle, the idea that was in my head before I shifted to “all relationship advice is bullsh*t,” was that finding the right person might be the most difficult decision any of us ever make. While I do actually believe that relationships should be much, much easier than we tend to make them, finding the right person to begin that relationship with will never be an easy process, and the people who have somehow managed to make that happen were, well, very, very, very lucky. Not skillful. Not determined. Not adaptable. Not ready. Just f*cking lucky. And, as is the case with anything dependent on luck, your success and/or lack of success is dependent on a bevy of arbitrary variables largely out of your control.

For those who don’t think luck plays a major role in finding the one, think of all the conditions that have to be in place in order for it to happen.

(Oh, and for clarity’s sake, when I make reference to “the one” I don’t mean to suggest that there’s only one person out there for everyone. It just refers to a person who you’d have a great relationship with. Each of us can have multiple “ones,” but there still has to be a bit of luck/chance/serendipity involved for you two to meet each other)

This person has to be attracted to you, interested in you, interested in pursuing a relationship with you, compatible, and available. Each one of these conditions also has to be true for you. If any one of these actions are missing — if you’re, for instance, attracted to each other, interested, available, but not compatible — it’s a non-starter. (The worst is when all other things are in place, but the person, for whatever reason, isn’t available)

And, even if all these things are in place, if this person would be a great match for you, you still have to actually meet them. There has to be a point in your lives where you cross paths with each other, and not only do you have to cross paths, you have to interact in some fashion.

You might have met your soulmate yesterday if you chose Wendy’s instead of Au Bon Pain for lunch. You would have bumped into them in line, smiled after saying “excuse me,” been surprised by her pleasant demeanor, made some awkward conversation about the weather or the length of the line, became a little amped (in your head) when seeing that she was interested in the conversation, despite said awkwardness, noticed something on their person that allowed you to extend the conversation (ie: “Man, you Deltas are something else. Do you really need to have an elephant on your keychain?”), made an awkwardly sweet segue to see if anyone was joining her for lunch, and, when finding out that she was taking her lunch to go because she had a staff meeting, did a little cheer on the inside when hearing her follow that with “But, I’ll have more time tomorrow, though.”

But, you wanted a turkey bagel sandwich for lunch instead of a junior bacon cheeseburger, and that seemingly insignificant but totally healthy decision impacted the rest of your life. Instead of meeting your soulmate, you’re just going to end up dating, impregnating, marrying, and divorcing whichever current f*ck buddy makes the best scrambled eggs in the morning.

This — the serendipity involved with meeting someone — is why, for those interested in finding the “right one,” the process involved with finding the right one can be so damn unnerving, so stressful, so difficult. And this, more than anything else, is why I believe that much of the advice offered about dating, mating, and fighting crime just doesn’t have as much value as we tend to think it does. While all of that talk is great and practical and eye-opening and insightful, the one thing we can’t control, advise anyone about, predict, or plan for just happens to be the most important detail: Luck.

Now, does this mean that you can’t somehow increase your chances of being lucky? No. You have a much greater chance at being “lucky” while out and about than you would while crocheting on your couch. And, well, the more improvements you make to yourself, the likelier that more people will find you attractive…another factor that could increase your odds.

Still, with all that said, much of what happens to us is largely out of our control. And, in this sense, luck is like global warming. Whether you believe in it or not, it still has an impact on everyone’s lives.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Man, That’s Some Stalker Sh*t

Posted on by
415

Faith??!!!! Faith!!!?????????!

If you ask anybody who has ever been accused of stalking if they were, indeed, a stalker, they’ll immediately look at you as if you’ve got three breasts (whether you are a man or a woman) and tell you that they aren’t stalkers…they were just on a quest for the truth!

See stalkers aren’t really bad people. No. They’re created by the people that they, ya know, stalk. See all stalkers are actually just normal individuals who have been wronged or done dirty in some capacity. They are people who would be just happy to live normal everyday lives, but no, they came into contact with people who caused their inner investigator to erupt.

By the way, I don’t buy any of that. If you’re the type of person who engages in crazy behavior, its just who you are. I don’t give a f*ck if you think that its somebody else’s fault that you’ve been reduced to such. Grow the f*ck up and take some accountability for your own f*cksh*t, jackwagon.

Anyway, there are two different types of stalking. There is the stalking done by men and the stalking down by women.

Let’s explore the male stalkers first. My guess – and this is purely based on my opinion – is that men who are stalkers are far more likely to engage in actual illegal activities. You know, blatant harassment and intimidation…ya know, textbook stalker sh*t. Like a man will be waiting outside your house with one of those Stevie J faces on and rubbing his hands talking about a damn bus. You know, the type of sh*t that makes you not only want to call the police but start packing a gun. A male stalker will send you flowers to tell you that he loves you…every day of the week including Sundays and cause everybody else around you to fear for their own lives. A male stalker will likely get you fired. Because male stalkers are criminals in wait, just waiting for a reason to actually try out prison.

Yes, I’m inclined to believe that a male stalker is actually the kind that will stab you to death. Oh, and why is he stalking? I forgot that part all together. He doesn’t believe that you were where you said you were going to be or that you were with who you said you were with so he scares the f*ck out of you THEN tries to let you know he loves you through random gestures RIGHT before he scares the f*ck out of you again.

A male stalkers truth is proving what he believes, that he can’t trust you.

Then we move to the more cunning of the stalker kingdom – the female stalker. I’ll never believe that men or women are any smarter than the other. However, when it comes to cunning and vindictiveness, well, you cannot underestimate a woman “scorned”. For instance, women will dance all over the inappropriate line and crip walk really close to the illegal line but never really quite get there. Well, not until they are ready to take their stalker game to the Lifetime Channel. Basically, see A Thin Line Between Love and Hate. Women will search out every legal means that they can take to find out whatever they can. They’ll be all up in your social media and get their friends involved who somehow think that all of it makes sense. Women aren’t as likely to sit outside and wait at your front door (though in some cases they will) because they do fear the police and at least realize that the police can get involved (a fear that men don’t seem to have…we dumb).

And why do female stalkers exist? Well, simply because women need to know what happened because there has to be an answer. It can’t merely be the dude just sucks, there has to be some reason that the dude sucks to her in particular. Women believe in aggressive discovery in hopes of finding the truth. And if there’s room for some revenge in there then perhaps (depending on how much she actually has to lose in life) she may partake.

See, stalkers, both male and female are under the tremendous pressure of understanding and attempting to ensure that they are not without information. It’s the reason why people go through great lengths (and often insane from the outside looking in) for peace of mind. Which must be irony considering that the peace of mind of a stalker relies heavily on the complete disruption of another person’s life.

At the end of the day, and with that being said, stalking is bad. But those who stalk are people just like everybody else and aren’t necessarily bad. Misguided? Perhaps, but mostly people who have been placed at an information disadvantage. It’s not stalking. It’s aggressive discovery of the truth.

Yeah, okay.

Anyway, since we’ve all (and I do mean damn near everybody) has had some experience with somebody doing some level (mild = random text messages to extreme = showing up at your door and sh*t) of stalking, what are the main differences between men and women when it comes to our stalker game? And who is better and more effective, men or women and why?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. 3,2, MURDER 1, LYRICS AT YOUR DOOR aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

For the DMVers: This Saturday in DC is a big day! First, it’s the Morehouse vs. Howard Reunion Classic Football Game where the Maroon Tigers of Morehouse face off against the Bison of Howard. And later that night is REMINISCE!!! It’s a game-afterparty BUT it’s also our one year anniversary! We’re gonna do some fun customer appreciation things and still keep up the good times. It’s FREE before 11pm with RSVP, with an open bar from 930 to 1030, and there’s no dress code!! Come party like its 1999 with VSB P and hopefully Champ as well. This party promises to be a good one!!! Come thru and hang with the kids! RSVP for free entry @ http://reminiscedc.eventbrite.com