the do’s and dont’s of breaking up with someone you still actually like

breaking up

i’m all f*cked up, and it’s all hollywoods fault.

you see, being raised on a steady diet of sh*t like the war of the roses, waiting to exhale, and fatal attraction led me to believe that all romantic break-ups were brutal bloodfeuds, replete with vicious insults, violent threats, hateful feelings, torn rabbits, microwaved weave, and white women.

this faulty expectation left me ill-equipped and unprepared for real life, where the vast majority of adult break-ups occur while both parties still have generally positive feelings towards each other, a fact that occasionally turns this simple process into a prolonged lesson in passive-aggressive bitchassedness.

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making love in the club: 13 tips on how to act when you’re out

black-girl-in-a-night-club-thumb3254595

in the past couple months, the champ has gone out a couple times to  examine common clubbing behaviors and innocently grind on tipsy grad school asses. what he found surprised, shocked, aroused, and amazed him,  especially the vast number of faux pas he witnessed every night

with this in mind, the champ has decided to provide you all with 13 tips on how to act when you’re out.

he’s not saying that you have to follow these to a t, but it would be wise to listen if you want to get into heaven.

1. yes, ladies. regardless of how aggressively uncute or swaggerless the guy might be, if he offers to buy a drink and you accept, you do owe him at least 90 seconds of conversation…unless, of course, he begins the convo by saying “this martini is dry, isn’t it? you know what i bet is the exact opposite? your pu**y”.

2. fellas, remember, female bartenders are like strippers. she’s nice to you because she wants a bigger tip…just not the tip you have in mind

3. if a woman is dancing while any of the following music is playing…

any dancehall reggae or soca

any bass music

any rap produced by any of the following people: lil john, mannie fresh, luke, swiss beats, scott storch, dr. dre, or just blaze

any song that could very easily be found on one of your college boning mixtapes

…the its perfectly ok to assume that she wants you to step behind her, and start grinding like you’re the pepper boy and her name is mashed potatoes to dance

ladies, if any of these songs come on and you just want to dance with your girls, sit your prissy asses at the bar and grind on the stools

4. fellas, if you ask a woman to dance/for a number/to buy her a drink and she declines, dont ask again, don’t ask why, and definitely don’t just stand behind her and wait for the song change to hopefully change her mind. find someone else, you f*cking lame.

5. fair or not, you will be judged on your attire, your demeanor, the mean, median, and mode attractiveness of your crew, how attractive you are in comparison to everyone else there, your drink of choice, and your walk…and each detail factors into your own personal baggability

if you can’t reconcile yourself with these facts then stay the f*ck home.

6. “hi” and its myriad forms (“hey”, “whats up?”, “hello”, etc) is still the most reliable pick-up line, and her first response to the initial “hi” is still the most reliable way of gauging sincere interest

7. ladies, if you’re in a relationship, make sure to reveal that little tidbit in the first 3.5 to 7 seconds of conversation. waiting longer than ten seconds to drop the bf bomb officially makes you an asshole.

8. everyone gets one “i’ve had waaaaaaaaaay too much to drink, and, if my crew doesn’t step in i’m probably going to end the night either in jail or with an std” mulligan per every 9 months. just one. after this, your crew doesn’t have any more babysitting obligations

9. unless a titty pops out, fighting isn’t sexy under any circumstances

10. fellas, its probably not a good idea to be noticeably hard before you even dance with the chick.

getting noticeably hard during your personal grind session? well, like sexual harassment, their reaction will basically depend on how attractive you are

11. ladies, if you want to get approached, separate and smile and they’ll eventually come unless you look like prop joe. its really that easy.

12. fellas, if you’re old enough to get into the club, you’re old enough to know by now that women are nucking futs lemmings. since you possess this knowledge, you should also be aware of the fact that if one member of a crew shoots you down, it decreases your chances of bagging someone else from that crew by 90%.

13. if approaching a group (three or more) of women to offer drinks, you must either only buy a drink for the one you’re specifically interested in, or the entire crew. no inbetweens

this…

bartender, get these three right here whatever they want, and the other one, ummm, hmmmm. do you have any free corn chips or anything for her?

…isn’t cool. funny, but uncool.

i know i’m missing a ton. good people of vsb.com, would you mind helping a smart brotha out? what else should be on the list?

—the champ

Different Women Like Different Things…

It’s Friday.  Thankyajeefus.

I hope and pray that you all can access youtube wherever you are because what I’m posting right now…is that gospel.

As ridiculously retarded as this dudes philosophy seems, it’s right on point.  Or at least highly entertaining.

Definitely VSB-topic worthy.  In fact, this dude is making the video version of what could easily have been a post here at the relationship dope spot. Hmm…video discussions of posts?   Hmmm….

So…

VSB meet Mr. Chi City.  Mr. Chi City, meet VSB.

This video is entitled:  Keeping your refrigerator stocked will get you many women.

Watch.  And learn.

Annnnnnnnnnnd discuss.  Is dude full of bullmalarkey or is there truth to his shenanigans?

Just where is the Honeycomb Hideout?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD 3

Say What, Say Huh?

Let me tell you a story.

Back in high school, my boy was dating a good friend of mine.  Now, I’d already dated this particular good friend which is how we became good friends, we realized that we weren’t good together, but were great as long as we didn’t hold any obligation to one another.  But somehow, my boy got caught up in her web.  For shame, young man.  For shame.  I pity the fool who doesn’t learn from another man’s mistakes.

Anyway, these two lovebirds and I were at the mall one day partaking of some of that good partaketh from Sbarro.

Yum.

And then this conversation ensued, which means it “then happened” for you scholars in the room:

My Boy’s Girl (MBG):  You know what, My Boy (MB), you spell your name wrong.

MB: (mid-chew)  Say what?

MBG: Your name.  You spell it wrong.  It should be spelled like so…(proceeds to scribble how she feels his name should be spelled)…not like you currently spell it.

MB: (looking at me for understanding – he got none – then looking back at her, visibly irritated)  What are you talking about?  It’s my name, even if ou spell it out phonetically, it’s the same.  But beyond that, how are you going to tell me that my name’s spelled wrong?  It’s my name.

MBG: Look, don’t get mad at me because your name isn’t spelled right.  I’m just trying to help you out.  And don’t look at him (me) like he has the answer either, his name is spelled wrong too.  There should be an aposotrophe in his name, but there isn’t.

Sidenote: She truly believed this too, evidenced by all of the letters she’d written me (and later emails) as late as 2006 which included my name with the apostrophe that she felt should have been there.  If I could stab somebody with the “Reply” button on an email, it would be her.

MB: (at this point fuming)  Yo, how you going to tell anybody that THEIR NAME, THAT THEIR PARENT GAVE THEM is spelled wrong.  Who the f*ck made you the authority on spelled names??  I could understand if my name was Michael but it was spelled like “Anthony”, but MY NAME, is spelled just like it sounds and for some reason you think that you’ve found the missing link in my name??  Get the f*ck out of here with that bullsh*t.

MBG: Yo, you need to calm the f*ck down.  Don’t you go loudcapping me like I’m some random chick.  And don’t get f*cking mad at me because your sh*t is f*cked up.  You need to fix your damn name and that’s all there is to it.  F*ck you.

Me: (thinking to self, “I’m SO glad I dodged this bullet.  Ain’t a donk in existence worth this non-sense.”  Then I continued to eat my pizza while they actually went back and forth for 15 minutes.  15 MOTHERF*CKING MINUTES about this.)

Needless to say, they broke up shortly after this.  They stopped speaking and then my boy went on to date his ex’s BEST FRIEND who he ended up breaking up with because…

…she sneezed too much.

Seriously.

Anyway, there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship.  No matter how great the chemistry between you and your partner there are going to be bumps along the way.  Arguments happen.  But damn, sometimes you have to wonder why two people are together given the stupidity of the arguments that occur.  And by the way, that argument was the norm for the two of them.  She’s nuts and he’s equally as insane.  He started as many dumb arguments as she did, like the time they got into an argument because he refused to accept her definition of “emotional” after she’d called him emotional.  Mind you, she pulled out the dictionary.  He just didn’t like her (read: Webster’s ) definition so he wanted to argue about it.

So, good people of VSB.com, what’s the dumbest argument you’ve gotten into within the confines of relationship?  Or even, what’s the dumbest argument you’ve witnessed from two people who were dating?  And further, how natural do you think dumb arguments to relationshipism??

=VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

things i’ve learned

“you’re always a student”

this statement, along with “never go down the up stairscase” and “eat bacon like noone is watching you” has always been one of my personal edicts. with this in mind, i’ve decided to celebrate verysmartbrothas.com 200th entry (damn!) by sharing a few of the relationship-related things ive learned in the past several years.

1. np (new p****) is overrated. seriously. the only thing that can potentially make np better is the concept of np and the realization that you’re actually getting some np. the np itself, though, usually pales in comparison to fp (familiar p****).

2. sh*t is better now, in every context imaginable. f*ck nostalgia.

3. women with their own names displayed anywhere on their bodies, whether its on a necklace or a tat or whatever, tend to be irrationally insecure and high-maintenance assholes.

4. men with their own names displayed anywhere on their bodies, whether its on a necklace or a tat or whatever, tend to be irrationally insecure and high-maintenance assholes.

and gay.

5. nice eyeglasses make women more attractive, potentially increasing their scores by at least a point and a half, and i have absolutely no idea why.

6. sunglasses have the opposite effect. in fact, i always feel that women rocking “stunna shades” are more likely to give random brains in bar bathrooms.

7. tasteful weave isn’t the worst thing in the world. just don’t be going from sinead…

sinead_o_connor

to sade

sade

overnight and sh*t, and you’re good

8.  the two best places/times to pick up women?

a) while shopping (anywhere, except whole foods)

b) while waiting in line (for anything)

the two worst?

a) the zoo

b) whole foods

9.  what a woman likes and why she likes it is just as (if not more) important than what she’s like. basically, her fav book list holds much more resonance than her resume.

10. black men with tribal art tattoos tend to be cornballs…with no exceptions. theyre also more likely to dress like p* rn stars.

jack_napier

black women with tribal art tattoos tend to act like porn stars, unless, of course, they’re related to me.

11. the reason why most adult virgins are undateable has nothing to do with their virginity and everything to do with them letting their virginity completely define them. having a hymen doesn’t make you a freakin martyr.

12. a woman consistently laughing while you’re not even trying to be funny, or consistently not laughing while you’re trying to be funny means that she’s either completely unnerved (and turned on) by you or completely unattracted to you. theres no inbetween. sadly, i still haven’t been able to differentiate which from which. i guess i still have a bit more to learn.

so, people of vsb.com, share in the magnanimousness and sh*t.

what relationship-related things have you learned?

—the champ