Signs You Think #wegotogether

"How is he gon' take a call from President Obama while he out with me. He must don't realize #wegotogether. And when you go together with me, you don't take calls from other people while I'm around."

Quite obviously the most ethering relationship chasm is the lack of communication. Bedroom wars have been fought. Multiple canisters of Comet have been purchased. Multiple simultaneous relationships have been forged!

Scrrrrrrrrrrrr!  Say heffa say what? Oh no he didn’t! How is it possible that lack of communication could cause somebody to be in more than one relationship at the same time?

Glad you asked.

You see, opaque communication can lead people to believe that they are in relationships that they might not actually be in. I believe Earthlings call it, “leading on and delusion.” I’m not sure how you say “leading on” in Russian, but I’m also sure it leads to death over there whereas here, in America (F*ck Yeah!) it leads to hurt feelings, potential misdemeanor property damage, and social media slander. To be clear, it’s never a good idea to lead anybody on. And I think that most of us know when we’re doing it, even if we don’t want to acknowledge it because it would be admitting that perhaps we are at worst bad people and at the very least, emotionally lazy. But it’s been done to and by the best of us.

I’m sorry. For 2011. I ain’t apologizing for 2010 though.

Oh and how does that lead to multiple simultaneous relationships? Well it might cause some people to operate like #wegotogether, even if we don’t.

See there are some people who eschew common sense and traditional rules of boundary, expectation, and decorum because they don’ no dey daddy. Yes, there are just some motherf*ckers who either don’t know, don’t show, or just don’t care about what’s really going on before they bring the ruckus to your front door. Which, you might happen to be looking out of. Think Twice. Woo woo woo. No Jeffrey Osborne.

So here are a few sure fire ways to determine if you are dealing with somebody that thinks #wegotogether. Or #yougotogether.

But we don’t. Or you don’t.

(These will all be written in first person despite the fact that they’re general ideas.)

1. #youmustthink #wegotegether if we’re texting and I tell you I’m doing something and when I tell you I’m doing something else later, you try to call me out on not being where I said I was.

Not your fight. Not your business how or when I decided to change tasks, vocations, addresses, drawz, or pr0n favorites.

2. #youmustthink #wegotogether if you see me out with somebody that ain’t you and get in your feelings, publicly.

You know, this actually happened to me once. I was with my sister. But because #wedontgotogether she didn’t know my sister was coming in town nor did she know what my sister looked like. My sister likes to give hugs and was hugged all over me (plus she triflin’ and tries to make other women jealous). You know, basketball-wife-in-training type. Ole girl ran up on me like she was MOP and I had jewels on. She should have known the jig was up when I stood there looking at her like she was stuck on stupid, as did everybody else. She wanted my DNA. She got it. DoNotAnswer.

3. #youmustthink #wegotogether if while I’m at your house, your mother calls and you ask me to talk to her. And then SHE proceeds to tell me details about my life.

I’ve always been surprised by how some folks will go hog-f*ckin-wild with their interests to the point of bringing other family members completely into the fold…a month after meeting. Then end up surprised when my momma doesn’t know who they are. Because yes, that happens.

4. #youmustthink #wegotogether if you seriously ask AND expect me to get you a Christimas, Birthday, Easter, St. Patrick’s day, Momma’s retirement, or Valentine’s Day present despite the fact that I spend less time with you than a daddy doing quadruple life behind bars.

It is indeed trickin’ even if I got it. Gifts are for certified boothangs. Web developers have to get certified. Accountants too. What makes you different?

5. #youmustthink #wegotogether if you think I’m obligated to get you into the club for free cuz my boy is throwing the party.

Ruh-roh. This is how you end up on YouTube. Kirk out in the line? Everybody’s gonna catch that on film. I know it’s a recession. If you can’t afford it, recede yourself home.

Ladies? Fellas? Any other signs out there of wayward souls? Is there a heart in the house tonight?

Stand up.


five completely selfish reasons why i’ve never cheated


although i’ve always suspected that i live in a bit of a vacuum, the conversations i’ve had, heard, and read over the past couple of weeks have basically confirmed this. apparently infidelity is the new 30, and my lack of experience in this arena apparently either means that i’m hopelessly behind the cheating curve (the preferred option) or so undesirable that both me and the equally undesirable women i’ve chosen to be with exist in cheat-free alternate universes (the, ummm, unpreferred option)

thing is, even if you disregard the “cheating is wrong and sh*t” thought, the idea of cheating has never even really been a relevant issue for me, for five completely separate and somewhat selfish reasons. Continue reading

the lightbulb: 8 simple inner “voila!” statements that would make vsb (and every other relationship advice website) obsolete

hmmm. maybe "i dont do commitment" actually isn't mancode for "i'll change my mind if you keep sleeping with me"
maybe “i dont do commitment” actually isn’t mancode for “i’ll change my mind if you keep sleeping with me”

you know, after we reach each of our crime-fighting and world domination goals, our plan is to live in a world where vsb has been rendered obsolete, a universe where the sage wisdom of panama, the champ, and liz’s boobs is no longer needed because everyone is making wise relationship-related decisions on their own.

thing is, we’re really not that far from that day, as much of the dating and mating acrimony we face (and the advice received) would be thwarted if we just started asking ourselves simple questions and began making simple mental comments and observations before acting, “voila!” statements if you will.

here’s 8 of them

1. “hmmm: would i be forced to kill somebody if i got her pregnant?”

from a man’s perspective, there are two distinct types of mental reactions to unplanned pregnancies.

a) “well, even though we weren’t expecting this, we can make this work”

b) “somebody (me, her, or the seed) has to die. now.”

there’d be no need for vsb if we stopped f*cking all of the potential “b’s”

2. “you know, maybe my perpetually single and unhappy girlfriends aren’t the best people to get relationship advice from”

3. “all of my friends seem to want to sleep with my man, and its getting pretty frustrating. i wonder if my daily tweets, emails, and facebook status messages about his d*ck have anything to do with that?”

4. “i love my stringent female beauty standards just the way they are. but, until i move out of my grandma’s basement, maybe i should either adjust them or just start keeping them to myself”

imagine, a world where lame men don’t hold all women to unrealistically and unattainably attractive standards, and where the rest of the men don’t have to listen to women incessantly b*tching about the men who do this, even though they only comprise 6% of the male population

5. “damn. another month has passed without a single man approaching me. i probably should try this new ‘sileing‘ or ‘miling‘ or whatever facial expression thing everybody keeps raving about.”

6. “even though he’s been really nice and sweet to me, i wonder if i should be more bothered by the man i saw him murder last weekend”

if i had a dollar for every woman i’ve known who’s attracted to shady dudes and needed consolation after he did some shady sh*t to her, i’d have at least 11 f*cking dollars. i know that doesn’t seem like alot of money, but it’s a recession, and that can get you a month’s worth of meals in pittsburgh

7. “f*ck! shot down again. maybe i should retire my genius ‘do you know the difference between my d*ck and a chicken leg? no? well, let’s go on a picnic and find out.‘ pick-up line”

8. “i should probably stop by the weight scale store at the mall some time next weekend. while i’m there, it wouldn’t hurt to peek inside the mirror store next door for a minute as well.”

i’m sure i’m missing a few.

people of, can you think of any more inner “voila” statements that could make the dating and relationship game much easier?

—the champ

are you an interracial relationship racist?


“I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom.”

louisiana judge keith bardwell, defending himself after refusing to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple last week. obviously he’s lying, because no self-respecting black person would use his toliet after he publicly admitted to having piles

between krazy keith’s kracker kourtroom, the bill de blasio (a white politican who featured his black wife and biracial children in his campaign ads) article, and the noise over okcupid’s “here’s more proof that no one wants to date black women” blog, the past couple of weeks has seen a boon in the interracial romantic relationship discussion america likes to have every year before halloween.

despite usually good intentions, these conversations tend to hit a wall because most people, scared of being branded a racist, are loathe to publicly admit how much of a factor race plays in their feelings about dating and relationships.

of course, by “most” i mean “liberal white”, because everyone else has accepted the fact that a little relationship racism isn’t neccesarily a bad thing. like condiments and p*rn, relationship racism is best used with light sprinkles.

still, in regards to interracial relationships, some of us has a tendency take it a bit too far. take the interracial relationship racism test today to see exactly where you stand

1. you’re single, and a physically attractive and nice “other race” co-worker has expressed interest in you. do you?

a) cautiously flirt (+5)

b) ask them why they’re so interested in you. before they respond, remind them of their people’s history of questionable sexual practices. when they’re done, report them to hr, and pee in their coffee (-15)

2. you’re on your first “interracial” date. during dinner, do you discuss?

a) why you two can never, ever, ever procreate (-8)

b) minor superfical racial differences (ie “whats with ya’ll and all that damn rye bread?”) (-2)

c) jello (+3)

3. angelina jolie should be…

a) sainted for adopting all of those kids (+4)

b) in better movies and/or my bed (+1)

c) shot for letting sahara out in public with a birds nest on her head (-3)

4. i tend to date those who…

a) kind of favor my ***insert opposite sex parent*** (+1)

b) are most mentally and spiritually compatible with me (+7)

c) have also been accused of hate crimes. no convictions though (-6)

5. you find out that your (male) boss is in an interracial marriage. your opinion of him

a) doesn’t change (+9)

b) changes favorably (-5)

c) changes, but the change depends on whether they’re a black or white man (-10)

6. people who exclusively date interracially

a) should be free do to whatever they want (-3)

b) are the target audience of my blog (-6)

c) might have some self-hate issues, but who am i to judge? (+2)

7. which three word phrase best describes your feelings about interracial relationships?

a) love is blind (+1)

b) black (or white/red/yellow) is beautiful (+2)

c) shank that bitch (-11)

if you scored…

(21+) you officially have no interracial relationship racist bones in your body. kumbayla and sh*t, you color-blind bastard

(12-20) if interracial relationship racism were “breasts” you’d be sanaa lathan. not alot there, but enough to notice

(6-11) you’re officially a pretending-ass, pandering piece of sh*tty ambivalence. good job, trader joe

(5 or below) why are you even here? shouldnt you be out writing a book or protesting the color orange or some sh*t?

people of, where’d you score?

are you an interracial relationship racist, and do you think that a bit of relationship racism has a place in the dating game?

—the champ

Closure and The Big Owe.

ballNloopClosure*By the way, in this post I’m using this logic:  She believes she deserves closure, so he owes it to her.  That’s why owe and deserve are used almost interchangeably.

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve had a long running debate with a friend of mine about the way her relationship ended and the fact she, like many people before her – both men and women – didn’t receive any closure.  Essentially, she has no idea what happened.  All she knows is that it was all good just a week ago.

Dude used to be her homey.  Now he acts like he don’t even know she.

One of the biggest problems with most breakups that don’t end because of some sort of landmark event – think cheating, spitting on mom dukes, pulling a Kanye – is that one person is always going to end up with more questions than answers.

Why did we break up?  What really happened?  Why did you just stop calling?  Was it something I did?  Was it something you did? Continue reading