Tag Archives: red flags

Eh. I Guess I Can Deal With That: Not Really All That Red Flags

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The Hill Review — a literary magazine blending essays, excerpts, reviews, fiction, poetry, criticism, cartoons and more to capture all things African-American culture — is launching Monday, September 12th. Like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter, and, if interested in being a part of this, hit us up at submissions@thehillreview.com (But please read our submission guidelines first)

***Today’s post is an updated version of “Wild Cherry Flags.” Enjoy, and have a good weekend***

A woman with a pink phone and a messy apartment is usually a dealbreaker, but I guess I can make a rare exception

So, at my Madame Noire column this week, the first question was from a guy who ruined a seemingly good relationship by being too pressed. (What exactly is too pressed? Well, traveling across state lines to see someone who specifically told you not to come seems to meet the “too pressed” distinction)

As I pointed out in my response, if this guy would have just read VSB, he would have realized that “being too f*cking” pressed” might just be the only universal red flag; the one thing that everybody regards as a total no-no. We all hate super clingy people, and this hate is more intense than the white-hot heat of 1,000 pairs of Delta panties.

Actually, lemme rephrase that. Everybody hates super clingy potential mates…except me.

Now obviously, being with a Clingon wouldn’t be my optimum choice. Although I’m not a space Nazi, I do appreciate some alone time for writing, “pastor racing“, “nothing doing” (Which is slowly becoming my favorite hobby. Seriously, you haven’t lived until you’ve marked off some time in your schedule to do… absolutely nothing. It’s a blast), and other leisurely independant activities.

But, if I were forced to choose between dating a “clingy” chick and a “cold” chick, “clingy” would win every time. Personally, i’d much rather be bombarded with attention than be in a romantic relationship devoid of it.

Again, I’m not saying that I’d prefer it, but there are worse qualities a women can have — “smoker’s laugh,” “being from Texas,” etc — and I can live with clingy.

Anyway, people of VSB.com, I’m curious: Can you think of any attributes and/or personal characteristics that are red flags and/or dealbreakers for pretty much everyone…except you?

Are you cool with cats who call 50 times a day? Willing to work with women who don’t go give head? Down to date dudes who aren’t tall enough to ride Ferris wheels?

The carpet is yours.

—The Champ

SPECIAL DELIVERY: One last reminder that tomorrow, Sep 3, from 10pm-3am, VSB (along with Shine On Me and Just Cause) is throwing the second installment of #Reminisce at Liv Nightclub in DC. It’s all 90s music and we get in. Come hang with VSB P and have a shot or twelve. It’s free b4 11pm ($10 after), OPEN BAR FROM 10-11 and no dress code. Just a good damn time. See you Sat!

wild cherry flags

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whenever we bring up a topic dealing with red flags, deal-breakers, and other undesirable relationship qualities, the utter disdain for clinginess is repeatedly brought up…easily the muse for at least 300 comments. seemingly on par with serial infidelity, anti-intellectuallism, and crackheadedness, the general public sentiment behind the idea of “a clingy person” apparently ranks somewhere between “star jones” and “david koresh” with pretty much every vsb regular. well, every vsb regular…except me.

now obviously, being with a clingon wouldn’t be my optimum choice. although i’m not a space nazi, i do appreciate some alone time for writing, metacognition, “pastor racing“, kool-aid procuring, and other leisurely independant activities. but, if i were forced to choose between polar opposites “clingy” and “cold“, “cold” would get dropped quicker than siohvaughn wade. personally, i’d much rather be bombarded with attention than be in a romantic relationship devoid of it.

again, i’m not saying that it can definitely be annoying, but i can live with it. there are worse qualities a person can have (ie: “thimbleheadedness” and “being puerto rican”).

the clingy conundrum has made me think of other personal attributes and behaviors that are common red flags and/or deal-breakers for many people…but really don’t bother me much at all. deal-breakers for most everyone else, but “ehhh…its cool. its no big deal” for me.

for the sake of the entry, and in honor of my favorite flavor of kool-aid (which noone else seems to like), lets call these wild cherry flags

nassatalls

although i’ll forever remain excitedly intrigued by the presence of a philly with a exquisite booty depth and a perfect ass-to-waist ratio, its not a prerequisite. in fact, my ex-fiancee was about nassatall as one can get. i’d even joke with her that she had an “extended back”.

again, though. let me make this very clear. i’m NOT saying that i’m not an assfan, lol. sh*t, if i could, i’d sleep on satin bed pillows in the mold of bria myles’s hindparts. i’m just saying that i could live happily without it.

a political conservative

…as long as she votes for obama nov. 4th, i could care less how she feels the other 364 days of the year, lol

a virgin

of course, if women were on sale at giant eagle, i wouldnt intentionally go shopping in the virgin aisle…but if one happened to fall into my shopping cart, i wouldn’t be headed back there a day later, reciept in hand, screaming at the store manager for selling me defective goods.  i’d definitely wait at least a week before doing that.

thats its for me right now.

friends, fans, serial fellators, funders, and followers of vsb.com, what are some of your wild cherry flags?

—the champ

***btw, just in case anyone was taking any bets, the over/under for the number of reading challenged people who will completely ignore the topic today and just list their own personal red flags is 19***

flag on the play

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***flashback to fall 2006 as a younger champ is out a second date with an extremely attractive philly who also shared his affinity for “the wire” and angela nissel. basically, a potential all-star***

the champ: “…and so anyway, thats when we started calling her “bucket face”. i never looked at feathers or windex the same way again. enough about me, though. whats on your mind and sh*t”

flighty philly, after a prolonged sigh: “please don’t tell me you’re one of those guys, are you?”

a perplexed champ: “huh”

philly: “i mean, you seem great in all, but i’m a cynic. without fail, every guy i’ve ever had feelings for has cheated on me. every. single. one. they all seemed nice in the beginning, but then again, so did nicolae carpathia.”

***btw, i’m not making this up. she actually used the perfect carpathia analogy in real-time conversation. when you combine this with her close-to dimeness, it was very hard for me to make the decision i eventually made. i cried for three days afterwards***

the champ, creating a sentence that signifies his potential hurt at the lost potential while doing his damnedest to give her one last try: “seriously?”

philly: “seriously”

“ok”, the champ responds, while subtlely erasing her number from his cell phone and transferring his thoughts to cream of wheat and lightly buttered toast

ok. i can imagine the questions going through everyone’s heads: how the hell did the champ become so magnificent, and what do i need to do to get there??? what was the big deal? what caused you to go from “damn she’s bad as hell” to “virtual restraining order” in less than 15 seconds?

if you’re thinking it was about her moving too fast (ie: her using the second date to ask whether or not i’d cheat)…you’re wrong. i have a tendency to attract and be attracted to “relationship-ey” women, so this early line of questioning wasn’t a surprise. in fact, from what i knew about her, i expected it.

its not even about her admitting to being a cynic, questioning my greatness (blasphemy!!!!) and motives. initial cynicism is nothing but a bit of self-preservation, and i’d actually be turned-off by a woman completely devoid of that quality.

no, my early escape that evening and subsequent mental sprint from even entertaining the idea of a third date had everything to do with this line:

“without fail, every guy who’s ever been with me has cheated on me. every. single. one”

whats the big deal, you ask? whats so wrong with dating a woman who hasnt had the best history with men?

well, if you assume that she’s telling the truth (which i did), four things immediately came to mind:

1. she’s a terrible judge of character.

if it happens once, that sucks.

twice? damn.

three times? you must have bad luck.

with every person you’ve ever been with? the “coincedence window” closes somewhere between three and four. at this point, its safe to say that your character gauge is more f*cked up than gary payton’s suits, a fact which permeantly bars you from my circle. sorry

2. she’ll project

i’d be fighting a losing battle from day one. each day would be test, a neverending gauntlet of inane inferences and hilarious hypotheticals with her at the end of the line, waiting for me with a jousting stick.

3. she’s a reformed ho

for whatever reason, there seems to be a strong correlation between reformed ho-dom and being habitually cheated on. i have absolutely no idea why this is true…but it is true

4. wack sackiness

ok…lets say number one isn’t true. lets say she is a great judge of character…but all of these high character guys still cheat on her. hmmm. it doesn’t take a genius or a…

…champ, a gem of the ocean, or a killa k to figure out how this can possibly be.

vsb.com…what are some other subtle relationship red flags? behaviors or actions that might not seem like much on the surface, but tell a much deeper and more disturbing truth? my inquiring mind wants to know and sh*t

—the champ

***btw, we’re trying to create a virtual gallery of people rocking their vsb shirts. if you’re interested, send a pic of you wearing your shirt to us at contact@verysmartbrothas.com and we’ll incorporate you into an entry somehow***