So God, Beyonce, and Ray Lewis Walk Into A Bar…

Let’s just get this out of the way upfront…Beyonce killed the half-time show.

Oh yeah, and she can sing. I’m not scared of any of you motherf*ckers. Was it the best half-time show of all time? No. But was it dope? Yes. But we’ll get to her relationship to Jesus and the occult later. Hope I remember.

Anyway, it’s the Monday after the Super Bowl which for the East Coast ended about an hour ago due to a 35 minute power outage. Yes, Beyonce had something to do with that. But again, we’ll get to that later.

Congratulations to the Baltimore Ravens. While I definitely felt myself starting to pull for the 49ers at the start of the game I’m happy for Baltimore and their fans. I do have to question some of the play-calling on the part of Loser Harbaugh on the last drive for San Fran, but I don’t get paid millions to get there and win or lose. Naw, I’m just a squirrel trying to get a nut to move your butt.

On to the next one…and all my single ladies.

I was ready for the Internet to either implode or shut down altogether during Beyonce’s performance but somehow, that didn’t happen.

OH….motherf*king Alicia Keys went and remixed the national anthem…in front of all them nice white people. Not only does she spend 80 percent of every song yelling at all of us, now she’s lighting women on fire, which I’m fairly sure, is like, not cool, bro. But if there’s one song that’s more sacred to white people than “Dixie” it’s the National Anthem. That’s why so many tend to hate it when certain singers sing it…like the Christina Aguilera’s and the coloreds. We tend to flavor it up. Well she flavoried it down with a jazzy version but then hit up a couple extra words and lines in the end. Lawd, Alicia. First you decide to work with BlackBerry, now you f*cking with white people. It’s been an odd week for you.

Back to the lecture at hand. While I like Beyonce, I’m not nearly on the level of her stans out there. I don’t think the Super Bowl was Beyonce concert with a football game surrounding it. But maaaaaaaaan listen, when she hit the crowd with the “raise your hands towards me and let me feed off your energy…” weeeeeeelllllllllllllllll, I ain’t saying she’s drinking the Kool-Aid, but she’s definitely on the verge of Crystal Light. Oh, and she made Kelly and Michelle her backup singers. I like it. I like it a lot.

THEN the power goes out. I’m not a betting man because if I was I’d put my money on the fact that God probably put his chips on Baltimore to cover the spread in Vegas. Why else would he cut the lights AFTER Jacoby Jones records the longest kick-off return in Superbowl History (well until it was noted that it was only 108 yards and thus tied with others). He had to make sure that Baltimore was up enough to ultimately win. Of course, it’s possible that Beyonce’s powers of the unreal cut the lights to somehow give San Fran an edge (it didn’t, they’re a tremendous comeback team and should have won in my opinion), but if the Ravens don’t win then we don’t get Ray Lewis and his Psalms 91 shirt and then we don’t get him telling us about God more times than the entire winner’s circle at the NAACP Image Awards on Friday night who ceremoniously disrespected Jamie Foxx as he sang the gospel while accepting his award which I’m pretty sure was for “Most Versatile Performer” or some such f*ckery. I ain’t saying that the Image Awards ain’t sh*t, but that’s awful close to a BET Award show category.

Oh, and Red Tails winning movie of the year or whatever it won when 1) it sucked more than, well, anything, and 2) it was in the same category as Django Unchained and Beasts of the Southern Wild, and 3) nobody even remembered when it came out was some bullish*t. Even George Lucas said he wasn’t expecting to be up there. Luckily nobody who actually knows sh*t about movies gives that win any credence.

I’m rambling. Yes I am. Back to Ray Ray. I know he’s religious and always has been so its nothing new. But between him, Beyonce, and God shutting off the lights at the Super Dome, well, there was a lot of Jesus going on around the Super Bowl. I would like to ask Beyonce to give some of her followers the ability to worship Jesus too though. Boo yaow.

So yes, I just used almost 755 words to get back to this:

Beyonce can sing.

WHAT?!??!?!

So…did y’all watch the Super Bowl? What did you think of the performance? The Image Awards? Beyonce? Ray Lewis? It’s the morning after…

Beyonce.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. MONDAY MORNING POP CULTURE aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

 

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