its an inevitability.
a forgone conclusion.
an inflexible and inescapable eventuality.
it all starts the same way. champ enters room. champ announces his presence, usually by either giving a head nod to noone in particular or verbally stating “the champ is here” in a forcefully hushed tone. outrageously attractive woman approaches champ. champ and outrageously attractive woman immediately leave room and have wild shitake monkey sex. champ and woman speak. woman is impressed with champ’s diction and banter. champ is impressed with woman’s diction and banter, but more impressed with her ass.
eventually, the champ and this woman will go on 2-4 extremely irrelevant dates, filled with aggressively nonchalant flirting, subtle promises of breakfast making, and extremely irrelevant questions, sans for one…the champs most tried and true relationship litmus test
“do you like “the wire”?”
although seemingly innocuous, this simple five word question tells me everything i need to know about the potential somewhat significant other. “how, omnipotent champ?” you ask? its all about the answers.
lemme walk you through it
1. “no. it sucks”
there’s two types of people in this world: people who love the wire, and soul-less hemophiliac viking pedophiles. there’s no inbetween. if you don’t like the wire, than you’re a soul-less hemophiliac viking pedophile. since the champ doesn’t date soul-less hemophiliac viking pedophiles unless they look like post-”in the house”/pre-crack maia campbell, this answer lets me know there’s no future between us. also, usually at this point i offer to go dutch.
2. “no. i can’t watch it because it reminds me too much of home”
run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i dont want to hear how. i don’t look back. i don’t ask for the check. i just run.
3. “hmmm. the wire? never heard of it”
obviously, this means that this person is living in a pop culture vacuum. although her pop cultural ignorance shows that we wouldn’t be compatible, women living in pop culture vacuums tend to be freaks (ie: palin, sarah) so you can find an eventual use for her if you’re creative.
4. “i actually haven’t seen it, but i’ve heard good things about it.”
5. “yes!!!”
the only completely acceptable answers. if she follows up with “in fact, i just bought the complete dvd set”, i might even make her some buttermilk waffles.
whether conscious or subconscious, blatant or subtle, intentional or accidental, we all have relationship litmus tests we put prospective prospects through. unambiguous measuring sticks, these or our standardized ways of weeding through the mucky modern-day relationship morass.
***along with the wire query, i also give potentials the stair test. to expound, i live on the top floor of my building. if a walk up to my apartment makes you sound like an emphasemic darth vader, maybe its time to head back to training camp***
so, people of vsb…what are your relationship litmus tests?
—the champ