Why do you keep putting your sharp and ashy fingers down there?

As most of my friends, family, neighbors, and former concubines know, I’m prone to occasional bouts of unprompted altruism. I ask random white people if they need help with their taxes. I volunteer for blood drives, brain scans, and police photo arrays. I’ve eaten Delta p*ssy. I’ve taken stray cats to Burger King, treating them to fries and Oreo milkshakes. I even smoked a little crack in the summer of 2004 just so I could better understand Shawn Kemp’s plight.

Since this is true, it should come to no surprise that last weekend– with Lady Champ’s “permission” (and by “with Lady Champ’s permission” I mean “Lady Champ had no idea I was doing this”) –  I randomly polled a bunch of women I know, asking them if they had anything they always wanted to know about men and sex.

The best questions (and accompanying answers) are below.

Why is it so difficult for men who just want to f*ck to just come out and say “I just want to f*ck” instead of playing games?

As any half-way decent to decent ballplayer will tell you, attempting to play with someone who clearly can’t play isn’t just an exercise in futility…it’s a threat to your life. Why? Well, basketball’s improvisational nature depends on a certain harmony of movement; an ever shifting equilibrium dependent on each player’s court sense and knowledge of the game.

And, from an offensive player’s perspective, much of what you do is predicated on what you assume the defense will do to stop you. You ball fake because you know it’s going to make the defense shift. You hit your man with an “in and out” — a fake crossover dribble — to set him up for the real crossover you’ll give him the next possession.

Thing is, when you’re playing with someone who doesn’t know what the f*ck they’re doing, all of your moves, basketball knowledge, court sense, and wisdom becomes completely moot. They don’t go for your fakes because they don’t know they’re supposed to go for your fakes, so you’re just as likely to headbutt them and concuss yourself as shake them.

From a sexual standpoint, men and women have the same type of harmony seen in wise ball players. The dating and mating game is built on a complex matrix of timing, desire, libido, and opportunity, and we (men) have spent our entire adult lives learning how to navigate these murky waters. But, these years of accumulated knowledge have left us ill-equipped to face a woman who’s either impervious to the “What do I have to do to trick you into f*cking me?” game or refuses to play it at all. And, rather than read and react, we usually just try to do the same fake crossover moves on all women, even if she’s already proved she just wants to take your ball(s) and run.

Is it really true that sex is the sole motivating factor behind everything men do?

Yes. And by “Yes” I mean, well, “Yes.”

Do guys really want to f*ck every girl in the world?

Yes. The difference between “mo” (“mo” = “male ho”) and guy who’s not a mo is that the guy who’s not a mo just doesn’t act on those desires. But, the desire’s present in all of us, and Weezy truly is a prophet from Mars.

Put it this way. I’m writing this while sitting in a coffee shop a block away from my place, and I can say with all honesty that — if opportunity, society, and Lady Champ allowed this sort of thing — I’d sleep with at least 50% of the women sitting in here. I’m not going to, obviously, but I’d be lying if I said that thought hasn’t crossed my mind. (It would have been 62.5%, but I don’t do Korean lesbians anymore. Too time consuming, and too much pressure.)

After all the porn that men watch, can you tell me why only 5% of you actually know where the clit is?

Wait…what the hell is a clit? Is that the proper medical term for baby hair? The secret ingredient for Bobby Flay’s  guacamole? The store where Christina Hendricks gets her bras? You sure that wasn’t a typo?

Seriously though, on the day 9 out of 10 women can actually point to a diagram of a vagina and tell you exactly where the clit is, you can commence with the clitoral GPS questions. Until then, just be happy that we haven’t mistaken it for a chitlin.

Ladies, you gave us answers last week. Now it’s time for the questions. Can you think of anything else you’ve ever wanted to know about men and sex?

Oh and fellas, don’t wait for me. Please feel free to answer any of the ladies’ queries.

—The Champ

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