12 things about sex i’ve learned since becoming an adult

t-shirt worn by new black superhero, "the optimist"
t-shirt worn by new black superhero, “the optimist”

i felt myself overcome with a sudden sense of relief and contentment yesterday afternoon while reading two articles (“crying after sex, really” and “what brings you to the big o?“) and the accompanying comments

you see, as a grown man, i felt that i should be a expert by now on the female orgasm. i mean, (i think that) i’ve seen them and (hope that) i’ve been an active part in inducing them, but if i were coaching a sex team and was asked by my players to diagram a female orgasm play for an easy and sure touchdown, i’d be more befuddled than eric mangini.

but, articles such as those have taught me that i’m not alone: nobody really knows sh*t about the female orgasm, women included. Continue reading

are you an interracial relationship racist?

slavechildren2

“I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom.”

louisiana judge keith bardwell, defending himself after refusing to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple last week. obviously he’s lying, because no self-respecting black person would use his toliet after he publicly admitted to having piles

between krazy keith’s kracker kourtroom, the bill de blasio (a white politican who featured his black wife and biracial children in his campaign ads) article, and the noise over okcupid’s “here’s more proof that no one wants to date black women” blog, the past couple of weeks has seen a boon in the interracial romantic relationship discussion america likes to have every year before halloween.

despite usually good intentions, these conversations tend to hit a wall because most people, scared of being branded a racist, are loathe to publicly admit how much of a factor race plays in their feelings about dating and relationships.

of course, by “most” i mean “liberal white”, because everyone else has accepted the fact that a little relationship racism isn’t neccesarily a bad thing. like condiments and p*rn, relationship racism is best used with light sprinkles.

still, in regards to interracial relationships, some of us has a tendency take it a bit too far. take the vsb.com interracial relationship racism test today to see exactly where you stand

1. you’re single, and a physically attractive and nice “other race” co-worker has expressed interest in you. do you?

a) cautiously flirt (+5)

b) ask them why they’re so interested in you. before they respond, remind them of their people’s history of questionable sexual practices. when they’re done, report them to hr, and pee in their coffee (-15)

2. you’re on your first “interracial” date. during dinner, do you discuss?

a) why you two can never, ever, ever procreate (-8)

b) minor superfical racial differences (ie “whats with ya’ll and all that damn rye bread?”) (-2)

c) jello (+3)

3. angelina jolie should be…

a) sainted for adopting all of those kids (+4)

b) in better movies and/or my bed (+1)

c) shot for letting sahara out in public with a birds nest on her head (-3)

4. i tend to date those who…

a) kind of favor my ***insert opposite sex parent*** (+1)

b) are most mentally and spiritually compatible with me (+7)

c) have also been accused of hate crimes. no convictions though (-6)

5. you find out that your (male) boss is in an interracial marriage. your opinion of him

a) doesn’t change (+9)

b) changes favorably (-5)

c) changes, but the change depends on whether they’re a black or white man (-10)

6. people who exclusively date interracially

a) should be free do to whatever they want (-3)

b) are the target audience of my blog (-6)

c) might have some self-hate issues, but who am i to judge? (+2)

7. which three word phrase best describes your feelings about interracial relationships?

a) love is blind (+1)

b) black (or white/red/yellow) is beautiful (+2)

c) shank that bitch (-11)

if you scored…

(21+) you officially have no interracial relationship racist bones in your body. kumbayla and sh*t, you color-blind bastard

(12-20) if interracial relationship racism were “breasts” you’d be sanaa lathan. not alot there, but enough to notice

(6-11) you’re officially a pretending-ass, pandering piece of sh*tty ambivalence. good job, trader joe

(5 or below) why are you even here? shouldnt you be out writing a book or protesting the color orange or some sh*t?

people of vsb.com, where’d you score?

are you an interracial relationship racist, and do you think that a bit of relationship racism has a place in the dating game?

—the champ