Tag Archives: pretentiousness

ask the champ: the wife list

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what the hell constitutes “wifey”? it seems like guys only give this designation to who they consider to be the pick of the litter, but when i look closer, this term is thrown around arbitrarily and it’s confusing as hell.

what base characteristics does a chick need to possess to be given this “esteemed honor”?
–t.k.

six words: a perfect ass to waist ratio

seriously though, I receive a variant of this question at least once a week. unlike women, who each seemingly keep industrial sized laundry lists of attributes and characteristics that a man should posses to be “husbandly” in their f-buddy overnight bags, our (read: “mens”) definition of “wifey-type” characteristics has proven to be somewhat elusive and ambiguous.

wait.

this is a lie.

our definition has always been very un-elusive and unambiguous, and will always be. in fact, if unelusiveness and unambiguousness were “complete post-presidential election irrelevance” our definitions would be michelle freakin malkin.

although we’re a pretty varied and nuanced people, here are three transcendent qualities that most men will agree that all “wife-able” women possess. educate yourself.

1. morning attractiveness

obviously, what’s deemed “attractive” is a mostly relative term, but for a women to be given the “wifey-type” designation from a guy, she usually is one that he can picture himself waking up next to for an extended period of time.

this is actually related to the reason why many women claim to only get sincerely approached when they’re looking their worst (ie “in a t-shirt, ponytail, and sweats at the supermarket”). men know that this image, not the one when she’s at the club rocking 8 inch stilettos and her homegirl’s sweater puppy and bootymeat revealing bcbg dress, is the image he’ll see most of the time, and we bag accordingly

2. unpretentiousness

lets put it this way, if you asked 100 happily married men to describe their wife, i’d bet a year’s supply of ky that one of the first things out of most of their mouths will have something to do with “down to earth“. ppos’s need not apply

3. being ray allen

in the summer of 2007, perennial nba all-star ray allen pushed to get traded from the seattle supersonics. tired of balling in relative obscurity for a non-contending team, allen wanted to be moved to a team with a better shot of winning, even if it meant sacrificing his own statistics.

he landed with the boston celtics, and took a role on the team that saw his production drop almost 30 percent. because of his self-inflicted personal decline, he was able to be a vital cog in the machine that won the 2008 nba championship.

when men give the “wifey-type” designation, there’s a huge distinction between the ray allens of the world, stars willing to play a role if needed, and the gil arenas’s of the world: wildly entertaining stars that you’ll never, ever, ever go anywhere with. while the gilbert arenas’s of the world might use their unbelievable sex appeal to get extra onion rings to go with their chicken fingers, the ray allens of the world get rings on their fingers

obviously, there are other characteristics (possessing loyality, high libido, being compassionate) that most men consider synonymous with “being wifey”, but the three I just named basically cover the gamut.

i hope this answered your question and sh*t, t.k. maybe, just maybe, one day, you might receive the wifey-type designation. until that day comes, though, chill on them extra onion rings. regardless of how much “morning attractiveness” you might have, no guy’s gonna want to wake up every morning next to a chick who smells like v.e.g.’s bathroom.

—the champ

why so serious?

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the champ, before his morning toast

the champ, before his morning toast

although i don’t have any 2520′s in my immediate circle, i’ve had more than a few white acquaintances, co-workers, f-buddies, and i even know a few people who have a couple white friends. when you combine this information with the fact that i’ve attended predominately white schools my entire life, it’s apparent that i’m a white person expert. i know white people. if “white people” were “crack”, i’d be jojo hailey. if “knowing white peoples habits” were “lazy ass music”, i’d be “jockin effing jay-z”.

although this expertise has proven to be extremely valuable when creasing khaki’s or watching “the house of payne“, in no other way has it helped me as much as it has when comparing and contrasting the habits of young whites with us (“us” being, “american black people” or “north american n*ggas”…whichever you prefer)

now, it’s common knowledge among us that white people admire and emulate much of the sh*t that we bring to the table. from our music and our women, to our “cool” and justin slayer, there’s a multitude of sh*t born in our community that continue to inspire adulation and envy. yet, as i continue to observe the actions and general mores of our paled skinned brethren, i realize that there are a few aspects of their behavior that i admire as well.

today, in true vsb.com fashion, the champ will discuss one “typically white” behavior that could prove to be extremely benefical to us and our dating selves if we chose to adopt it. of course, i’m referring to…

…their ability to have unadulterated and unpretentious fun.

***sidenote: the champ realizes that he is making many blanket generalizations, but is only doing so because he feels that he needs to use some hyperbole to get his point across. if you have a bit of an issue with the subject matter, please try to remember that even though the champ is a virulent racist, sexist, homophobe, and jingoist he’s fair.***

to expound a bit, here is a list of things a typical “north american n*gga” needs in place in order to have fun when partying

—perfect music. in this case, “perfect” describes a certain type of music that must be played and the percentage of time devoted to the playing of said music. what defines “perfect” varies from person to person, but unless the music at the establishment falls within 85 percent of that persons personal perfect music quota, the experience will not be seen as favorable

—a favorable male to female ratio

—a favorable number of cute-to-bagable/bangable members of the opposite sex

—a slight to moderate level of intoxication

—favorably priced (or free) access to their favorite intoxicant

—favorable “outside clothes”, an outfit which allows one to moderately stand out without looking like they spent 70 minutes plotting exactly what to wear

—a favorable number of like-minded comrades accompanying them

here is a list of things a typical “white person” needs in place in order to have fun when partying

—oxygen (and this is negotiable)

case in point: i live in shadyside, an area of the burgh filled with the type of white people parodied at stuffwhitepeoplelike.com. i can’t even leave my apartment without tripping over a prius or an american apparel skinny tie. basically, a perfect place to bag drunken, liberal, snizzles continue my observations.

anyway, last saturday, a couple young women who live below me (ha!) decided to grill some chicken and swine, setting up shop in a somewhat shaded section of our parking lot, an area which can’t be any larger than 150 square feet. not exactly the optimum place for a party, right? well, that’s exactly what i thought when i left the crib for a minute to drive to the arab seafood/soulfood spot to buy some blank cd’s home depot. when i returned an hour later, that tiny square section of our parking lot had turned into south padre island. there was a four man touch-tab football game, badminton, a one woman wet t-shirt contest and some convoluted yet compelling game which looked to be a combination of the westminster dog show and twister. all of this at 10:15 in the f**king morning.

as i watched them party like it was the last episode of ma.s.h., i couldn’t help but think to myself how much easier sh*t would be for us if we allowed ourselves to just let the f**k go sometimes, and how that would translate to our dating selves.  how much happier would we be if we didn’t have these terrible self-limiting constraints about appropriate labels for non-married significant others, and weren’t so unreasonably obsessed with swagger and exceedingly optimum ass-to-waist ratios. if we didn’t require our potential mates to take both the pool and the extended pinkie test. if “nice” wasn’t a four letter word, and asking someone to smile wasn’t akin to asking them to volunteer for a colonoscopy.

but then…i remembered that i hadn’t eaten yet, and all idealistic thoughts went astray as i sauntered over to the party square to grab a hot dog and quarterback the football game. i scuffed up my white pro-keds a bit too…but it was cool. its just a sneaker, right? it’s really not that serious.

—the champ

you suck. no…seriously, you do.

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i’ve been there before.

i’ve walked this road.

it was a long time coming, but the change finally came.

you see, i used to be a pretentious piece of sh*t.

for a year (from may of 02 to the following may) i was “that guy”, that asshole, that diva dude who’d ostentatiously play with his sidekick in public because he knew that nobody else had one, who owned 150 dollar t-shirts despite making less than 30 g’s a year, who once refuse to call a “solid 8” he met at the club because he thought her first name was stupid.

a young champ (on the left) and one of his infamous t-shirts

a young champ (on the left) and one of his infamous t-shirts

i made my “recovery” sometime around the summer of 2003, when realizing that my outrageousness was becoming increasingly detrimental to my overall growth. i wasn’t pleased with who i was becoming as a person, and my pretentious aura attracted pretentious women…a fact that still makes me dry heave when thinking about it.

this state of mind isn’t uncommon though. there are many pretentious people among us, some completely unaware of their dangerous levels of pretention and how theyre self-sabotaging their own dating experiences.

so, as a service from vsb, i’ve decided to provide you all with a simple ledger, a guide, a list naming…

…9 signs that you can very well be a pretentious piece of sh*t

1. you refuse to eat at chain restaurants.

i don’t know whats worse, the fact that people actually think like this, or the fact that people think like this and actually arent ashamed to admit it in public. luckily, ive never had to date a woman who felt like this, because i would have been tempted to go all morgan spurlock on her ass, making every outing nbmd (nothing but mickey d’s)

2. you leave comments on blogs/message boards just to let everyone know that you think the topic of the day sucks

a huge pet-peeve of mine, this also happens to be a close relative of…

3. you leave comments on blogs/message boards just to let everyone know that something made your b*tch ass upset, and you won’t be returning

4. you’re black, and you have a college degree.

my freshman year of college, the champ and a few of his buddies caught a train to the hoodest movie theater in western ny to see  “lisaraye’s fine milfy ass” “the players club”.  if you recall, in the middle of the flick diamond gets clowned by some fellas in one of her classes after they find out her, ummmm, “hobby”, a scene which prompted one of the many remy ma dopplegangers sitting in the row behind us to remark “see, thats why i hate them college-ass nigg*s“.

after a decade of dealing with educated-ass “college-ass nigg*s” (and niggetts), i see her point.

we kind of suck.

seriously.

5. you think that nyc, la, d.c. and atlanta are the only acceptable places to live in the entire country.

if you feel this way, please stop reading this, please get up from your pc, please go find a way to rupture your own spleen, and please do it

6. you’ve often referred to yourself as “the black…” (ie, “the black carrie bradshaw”, “the black ethan hunt”, “the black verne troyer”, etc, etc)

7. you have business cards but no benefits

8. you make completely random and completely inane concrete demands of the opposite sex

ah, how these people tickle me. theres nothing more fun than hearing a woman remark “he has to be at least 6’2..and this is non-negotiable” and asking her “well, what if he was 6’1 and 7/8ths? 6’1 and 3/4ths? 6″1 and 16/29ths? 6’0 and 99/100ths? would these be acceptable?”

what amazes me most about this is the fact that usually, these horrific demands have absolutely nothing to do with that persons happiness, and everything to do with the perpetual pissing contest they’re having with their peers.

9. you inneccesantly brag about your eclectic tastes

you have both joni mitchell, janis joplin, and g-unit in your ipod? whoopdy f*cking doo. do you want a sugar cookie? fine. now take it and shove it up your ass.

if you suspect that you might be a pretentious piece of sh*t, please take the next public bus to the nearest wendys, and ask for the finest junior bacon cheeseburger they have on their menu. also, make sure you do this during the noon lunch rush, just so that you’ll hafta wait in line and so that as many people as possible will witness you actually ordering food from wendys. it might be painful, but, like john rambo says, pain is just pretentiousness leaving your body.

–the champ