5 Reasons Why I’m Happy That Beyonce’s Pregnant

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Although I wasn’t as affected as some by the news that our favorite thundergoat is indeed with child, I have to say that my typically sardonic self was actually moved by her big baby bump reveal during the VMA’s. I couldn’t help but be elated by the look of sheer joy that beamed from her face. I even stopped tweeting the event because I couldn’t find it in me to continue to be snarky. (Seriously, I don’t think I’ve ever been even half as happy about anything as she was on stage that night.)

It’s been three days since this happened. But, despite the fact that the Beyonce bliss has subsided a bit, the pop culture devotee in me still remains excited by this news. Why? Well…

1. We’ll finally get to see her take a gotdamn seat

I’m not quite sure why Beyonce hasn’t sat down in 15 years, but I’ve narrowed it down to three likely reasons:

A) While walking on the beach as a child, she accidentally kicked a giant sea shell. The genie inside was royally pissed, and cursed her to a lifelong paralyzing fear of seats, benches, couches, lawnchairs, bleachers, toilets, cardboard boxes, and anywhere else a person could possibly rest their behind.

B) She’s an alien from a planet where they don’t have knees

C) She just has very bad hemorrhoids.

Either way, I’m as curious as anyone to see what happens when Beyonce’s baby forces her to sit for the first time this century. If I had to guess, her meeting a chair for the first time will probably look something like this…

2. We’ll finally get to see her take a gotdamn seat…and we’ll finally get a chance to tell the person we all know who always says “The only reason why ***insert name of some other random R&B chick*** isn’t at the top of the game is because Beyonce won’t let anyone else shine” to shut the f*ck up

For all the criticism the thundergoat gets, the one that makes the least amount of sense is when people somehow make Beyonce responsible for the fact that their favorite moderately talented R&B chick isn’t more popular. And yes, I’m speaking directly to YOU, fan of Ciara, Keri Hilson, Kelly Rowland, Christina Milian and any other poor man’s Beyonce who somehow thinks that she’s the reason why your favorite artist’s albums always go double plywood.

But now, since Bey’s presumably going to be taking an extended break from the game, we’ll see if Michelle Williams, Teairra Mari, and Monica are finally able to release those multi-platinum, Grammy award-winning albums that Beyonce has been actively thwarting. Don’t hold your breath.

3. I’m curious to see whose genes will win

Whether you think Jay-Z is handsome or not, you can’t deny the fact that he has a couple very, um, “strong” features. And, since there might be no NBA season, the question of whether his genes will beat out the equally strong creole hybrid mutant Knowles genes might be the best one-on-one battle we’ll see all year. My money’s on Hov.

4. I might be able to renew my animus for parents who give their children hyphenated names

As I was telling a friend yesterday, I seriously get the urge to punch every parent who gives their child a gotdamn hyphenated last name. Why? Well, for the first 10 years of my life, I was a child with a gotdamn hyphenated last name. You have no idea how much confusion that causes children and how much it annoys and pisses off all the school administrators, doctors, school bus drivers, and lunchladies they’ll have to deal with. Why should a child have to go through years of agony just because their parents couldn’t decide on one gotdamn last name?

Anyway, all that to say that if they go ahead and curse this child with a Knowles-Carter moniker, I’ll definitely be ready and willing to mush the sh*t out of both of them too.

5. We’ll finally be able to give the media the ultimate racial litmus test

There has never been an famous African-American couple whose baby generated the type of attention and media coverage that Suri Cruise and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt received. Now, this is for good reason. Why? Well, there never has been an African-American couple who A) both were insanely rich and famous and B) were pregnant while they were household names. (No, Will and Jada don’t count. If you need to ask why, you probably need to be at another site)

In this regard, Jay-Z and Beyonce are pioneers, and it’ll be interesting to see if their baby attracts that same type of 24-7 media attention and affection. If it doesn’t, well, there will be a pretty prominent reason why it’s not getting the same love.

Actually, lemme rephrase that. There will be a pretty prominent reason why it’s not getting the same media love. But, if it comes out looking like this…

…the lack of love might be understandable

Anyway, people of VSB.com: How do you feel about the Beyonce pregnancy? Happy? Sad? Indifferent? Mad that people actually feel anything about the pregnancy of two people they’ll never, ever, ever, ever meet?

The carpet is yours.

—The Champ