The Uncomfortable Truth About Educated People And Unprotected Sex…

Remember me? Ha! That was a rhetorical question. I already know that you don't.

…is that none of us really want to admit that — despite our (occasionally) expert and (always) intimate knowledge about AIDS rates, unwanted pregnancies, what unwanted and unprepared for pregnancies can do to our bank accounts, what 9 pound 8 ounce babies do to perfectly nice and pretty vaginas, how single parents (mothers especially) are ostracized, Ron Mexico, bacterial vaginosis, chlamydia, gonorrhea, hepatitis, papillomavirus, pelvic inflammatory disease, syphilis, trichomoniasis, chlamydia, gonorrhea, genital herpes, the ubiquity and silliness of Valtrex commercials, Jim Jones, the fact that Magnum condoms really aren’t any bigger than regular ones, The Red Pump Project, killer p*ssy, limbo p*ssy, stripper p*ssy, Delta p*ssy, killer Delta stripper limbo p*ssy, whiskey d*ck, wack d*ck, crack d*ck, deprived d*ck, parking lot d*ck, “too nondescript to really count against my number” d*ck, keeping the numbers down, drunk sex, ex sex, sad sex, “I don’t really want to have sex with you, but I’m going to have sex with you anyway” sex, “your o face is too goofy for us to have sex again” sex, the Tuskegee experiment, Antonio Cromartie, Nas’ “You Got a House In Virginia” diss directed at Cam’ron in “Zone Out”, Eazy-E, Ol Dirty Bastard’s incoherent verse on the live MTV version of “America Is Dying Slowly”, dental dams, the utter ridiculousness of the female condom, the medieval-ness of Rape-Ex, Magic Johnson, the spaceship Magic Johnson takes to Jupiter once a month to pick up his HIV drugs, the joke that Flavor Flav looks exactly how we all thought Magic Johnson was going to look by now, The Corner, the occasionally absurd and always misleading stats that seem to come out annually about Baltimore’s infection rate, the prominence and prevalence of strippers, stripper culture, and young kids with names that have basically doomed them to be strippers, female ejaculation, the inane argument that female ejaculation doesn’t exist, the faux reliability of the pull-out method, and, most importantly, the fact that we know that we’re smart enough, educated enough, and thoughtful enough to know better — many of us (and my “many” I mean “most”) still have had unprotected sex, are currently having unprotected sex, and don’t plan on discontinuing the unprotected sex any time soon.

—The Champ

the lightbulb: 8 simple inner “voila!” statements that would make vsb (and every other relationship advice website) obsolete

hmmm. maybe "i dont do commitment" actually isn't mancode for "i'll change my mind if you keep sleeping with me"
maybe “i dont do commitment” actually isn’t mancode for “i’ll change my mind if you keep sleeping with me”

you know, after we reach each of our crime-fighting and world domination goals, our plan is to live in a world where vsb has been rendered obsolete, a universe where the sage wisdom of panama, the champ, and liz’s boobs is no longer needed because everyone is making wise relationship-related decisions on their own.

thing is, we’re really not that far from that day, as much of the dating and mating acrimony we face (and the advice received) would be thwarted if we just started asking ourselves simple questions and began making simple mental comments and observations before acting, “voila!” statements if you will.

here’s 8 of them

1. “hmmm: would i be forced to kill somebody if i got her pregnant?”

from a man’s perspective, there are two distinct types of mental reactions to unplanned pregnancies.

a) “well, even though we weren’t expecting this, we can make this work”

b) “somebody (me, her, or the seed) has to die. now.”

there’d be no need for vsb if we stopped f*cking all of the potential “b’s”

2. “you know, maybe my perpetually single and unhappy girlfriends aren’t the best people to get relationship advice from”

3. “all of my friends seem to want to sleep with my man, and its getting pretty frustrating. i wonder if my daily tweets, emails, and facebook status messages about his d*ck have anything to do with that?”

4. “i love my stringent female beauty standards just the way they are. but, until i move out of my grandma’s basement, maybe i should either adjust them or just start keeping them to myself”

imagine, a world where lame men don’t hold all women to unrealistically and unattainably attractive standards, and where the rest of the men don’t have to listen to women incessantly b*tching about the men who do this, even though they only comprise 6% of the male population

5. “damn. another month has passed without a single man approaching me. i probably should try this new ‘sileing‘ or ‘miling‘ or whatever facial expression thing everybody keeps raving about.”

6. “even though he’s been really nice and sweet to me, i wonder if i should be more bothered by the man i saw him murder last weekend”

if i had a dollar for every woman i’ve known who’s attracted to shady dudes and needed consolation after he did some shady sh*t to her, i’d have at least 11 f*cking dollars. i know that doesn’t seem like alot of money, but it’s a recession, and that can get you a month’s worth of meals in pittsburgh

7. “f*ck! shot down again. maybe i should retire my genius ‘do you know the difference between my d*ck and a chicken leg? no? well, let’s go on a picnic and find out.‘ pick-up line”

8. “i should probably stop by the weight scale store at the mall some time next weekend. while i’m there, it wouldn’t hurt to peek inside the mirror store next door for a minute as well.”

i’m sure i’m missing a few.

people of, can you think of any more inner “voila” statements that could make the dating and relationship game much easier?

—the champ

scared sh*tless: nine things that every grown man is afraid of

1957 - monolith monsters, the (poster)

its been 25 years since a midnight viewing of the monolith monsters shook the young champ so much that he refused to walk on pebbles and anywhere else where swarms of rocks were present. this extreme b*tchassness ended six months later when i entered first grade, and realized that the pebbles near the swings where were all the cute girls hung out at recess.

most men have similar stories, where they learned how to deal with what scares them after realizing that visible fear is the most surefire female repellent. fear never goes away though, just what it is that scares us. pebbles, poodles, and puddles eventually change to police, prison rape, and burnt p*ssy. 

as another example of the commitment to fighting crime, here’s nine things that every man is scared to death of.

1. committing to the wrong person

although the idea of hell usually includes some combination of pitchforks, sulfur, and soulja boy cd’s on loop, most men consider the idea of being in a long-term relationship with the wrong person as even worse.

obviously, women have this same fear, but since most of us feel that “being in a faithful relationship” is the antithesis of our latent nature, we feel like we have to “change” more than women do for a relationship to work.  its almost like we have to alter a portion of our dna. because of this, finding out that we made a huge commitment (ie: marriage, home ownership, dual bally’s memberships etc) with the wrong person makes us feel like we’ve taken two l’s instead of one.

and divorce? and child support? shiiiiiiiiit. just seeing those words probably induced chills on half the vsb’s reading this.

2. getting a “one trillion” in life

*from wiki*

used to denote a (basketball) player who has played one (or more) minutes without recording any other statistic. the term takes its name from its appearance in a box score, as it reads as one followed by twelve zeros – the conventional american rendering of “one trillion.”

because the box score shows that you basically made the exact same contribution to the game as the popcorn venders, this is one of the most humiliating things that can happen to a ballplayer.

there aren’t many things that scare a man more than the prospect of getting a “one trillion” in life, dying and leaving no evidence whatsoever that you were even alive

3. having an extremely unattractive daughter

while we’d love a mud duck daughter just as much as a cute one, this scares us because we all remember how the ugly girl in school was (mis)treated, and we wouldn’t wish that on our worst enemy.

with that being said, we’d still rather deal with this than the prospect of…

4. having an early “developed” and hotpants daughter

basically, we just hope that any daughter we have will be a nerdy tomboy with a cute face who doesn’t grow breasts or booty until she’s 22.

there's a reason she's the vsb's favorite cp3
there’s a reason she’s the vsb’s favorite cp3

5. being wrongly accused of a crime

because of the helplessness you’d feel, and the fact that it could eventually lead to this…

6. prison rape

“I wish I could tell you that Andy fought the good fight, and the Sisters let him be. I wish I could tell you that – but prison is no fairy-tale world. He never said who did it, but we all knew. Things went on like that for awhile – prison life consists of routine, and then more routine. Every so often, Andy would show up with fresh bruises. The Sisters kept at him – sometimes he was able to fight ‘em off, sometimes not. And that’s how it went for Andy – that was his routine.”

lets just say that we’d all love to go through our lives without morgan freeman uttering those words about us

7. getting “b*tched” or made to feel helpless in front of your woman

for those unsure of what i’m referring to, just watch this scene again

8. knocking up a jump-off

an unexpected pregnancy is bad enough, but an unexpected pregnancy from the hoodrat applebee’s waitress you met at the cut-rate is enough to send any sane man to an insane asylum. seriously, thinking about sh*t like that makes you want to invest in kevlar rubbers. or, you know, actually start wearing them

9. the “unfaithful”

for those who’ve never seen this movie, the “unfaithful” occurs when you’re in a seemingly happy relationship, with a seemingly happy and content woman, and she cheats on you with a jim jones doppleganger. i know cheating hurts women too, but because many of you all expect men to cheat anyway, most of you have support systems and sh*t already in place as well as the “he was a dog” perfunctory fall back.

when a woman cheats though, the guy is out there by himself. no support systems, and he doesnt want to even tell anyone about it because the prevailing thought will be “well, if he was taking care of stuff in the bedroom, it wouldn’t have happened”

this usually leads us with one option: murder

i’m sure i’m missing a few. is there anything else that puts a universal chill down the spine of men (or women)?

also, besides the idea of another solo diddy album, what in particular scares you?

the carpet is yours and sh*t

—the champ