its been 25 years since a midnight viewing of the monolith monsters shook the young champ so much that he refused to walk on pebbles and anywhere else where swarms of rocks were present. this extreme b*tchassness ended six months later when i entered first grade, and realized that the pebbles near the swings where were all the cute girls hung out at recess.
most men have similar stories, where they learned how to deal with what scares them after realizing that visible fear is the most surefire female repellent. fear never goes away though, just what it is that scares us. pebbles, poodles, and puddles eventually change to police, prison rape, and burnt p*ssy.
as another example of the verysmartbrothas.com commitment to fighting crime, here’s nine things that every man is scared to death of.
1. committing to the wrong person
although the idea of hell usually includes some combination of pitchforks, sulfur, and soulja boy cd’s on loop, most men consider the idea of being in a long-term relationship with the wrong person as even worse.
obviously, women have this same fear, but since most of us feel that “being in a faithful relationship” is the antithesis of our latent nature, we feel like we have to “change” more than women do for a relationship to work. its almost like we have to alter a portion of our dna. because of this, finding out that we made a huge commitment (ie: marriage, home ownership, dual bally’s memberships etc) with the wrong person makes us feel like we’ve taken two l’s instead of one.
and divorce? and child support? shiiiiiiiiit. just seeing those words probably induced chills on half the vsb’s reading this.
2. getting a “one trillion” in life
*from wiki*
used to denote a (basketball) player who has played one (or more) minutes without recording any other statistic. the term takes its name from its appearance in a box score, as it reads as one followed by twelve zeros the conventional american rendering of “one trillion.”
because the box score shows that you basically made the exact same contribution to the game as the popcorn venders, this is one of the most humiliating things that can happen to a ballplayer.
there aren’t many things that scare a man more than the prospect of getting a “one trillion” in life, dying and leaving no evidence whatsoever that you were even alive
3. having an extremely unattractive daughter
while we’d love a mud duck daughter just as much as a cute one, this scares us because we all remember how the ugly girl in school was (mis)treated, and we wouldn’t wish that on our worst enemy.
with that being said, we’d still rather deal with this than the prospect of…
4. having an early “developed” and hotpants daughter
basically, we just hope that any daughter we have will be a nerdy tomboy with a cute face who doesn’t grow breasts or booty until she’s 22.
- there’s a reason she’s the vsb’s favorite cp3
5. being wrongly accused of a crime
because of the helplessness you’d feel, and the fact that it could eventually lead to this…
6. prison rape
“I wish I could tell you that Andy fought the good fight, and the Sisters let him be. I wish I could tell you that – but prison is no fairy-tale world. He never said who did it, but we all knew. Things went on like that for awhile – prison life consists of routine, and then more routine. Every so often, Andy would show up with fresh bruises. The Sisters kept at him – sometimes he was able to fight ‘em off, sometimes not. And that’s how it went for Andy – that was his routine.”
lets just say that we’d all love to go through our lives without morgan freeman uttering those words about us
7. getting “b*tched” or made to feel helpless in front of your woman
for those unsure of what i’m referring to, just watch this scene again
8. knocking up a jump-off
an unexpected pregnancy is bad enough, but an unexpected pregnancy from the hoodrat applebee’s waitress you met at the cut-rate is enough to send any sane man to an insane asylum. seriously, thinking about sh*t like that makes you want to invest in kevlar rubbers. or, you know, actually start wearing them
9. the “unfaithful”
for those who’ve never seen this movie, the “unfaithful” occurs when you’re in a seemingly happy relationship, with a seemingly happy and content woman, and she cheats on you with a jim jones doppleganger. i know cheating hurts women too, but because many of you all expect men to cheat anyway, most of you have support systems and sh*t already in place as well as the “he was a dog” perfunctory fall back.
when a woman cheats though, the guy is out there by himself. no support systems, and he doesnt want to even tell anyone about it because the prevailing thought will be “well, if he was taking care of stuff in the bedroom, it wouldn’t have happened”
this usually leads us with one option: murder
i’m sure i’m missing a few. is there anything else that puts a universal chill down the spine of men (or women)?
also, besides the idea of another solo diddy album, what in particular scares you?
the carpet is yours and sh*t
—the champ
