If you listen to any conversation between 25-102 year old young urban professionals, then you will hear mention of points. Now points are given for all types of things and quite randomly. Dude has a car; he gets points. She can read; she gets points. Oh, and nobody actually knows how many points an individual receive as points would defeat the purpose. The purpose? The donning of points.

You see, points are basically just credit for things that you probably shouldn’t get credit for. Or things that you totally should get credit for…so you get it.

Got it?

Good.

Here’s the thing though, just because you get points doesn’t mean that somebody who DOESN’T do what you do or have what you have loses points. Odd right? I know. If I wasn’t writing this myself, I’d be flabbergasted.

I see you wondering what I’m talking about – as is often the case with a Panama Jackson locomotion of thought. Heeeeeeeeeeeere we go…

You don’t lose points for being an AKA, but you do gain points for being a Delta.

Perhaps it’s the gawdawful combination of pink and green. Or maybe its the fact that any group represented by an animal commonly known for warts just doesn’t inspire a happy dance in my pants. Or maybe it’s because I live in DC, a city where I’m convinced all Deltas are required to spend at least one year in so I just come across more of them. Me no know. All I know is that everyone’s a little bit racist. And all AKAs may forward VSB hate mail to this link here. Hi Liz! [Liz's editor's note: Forget you, P. And a frog is not an official mascot of AKA.]

Oh, and…shots.fired.

You don’t lose points for not being able to cook, but you do gain points for being able to cook.

Times they are a’ changin’. Twenty years ago, all women could cook. Nowadays you’re lucky to find a woman who has actually used her pots and pans. Which begs the question, if you know you’re not actually ever going to use them, why even have them. This goes for men too actually. I know people who have spent $200 on pots and pans they never had any intention of using. What part of the game is that?

You don’t lose points for not knowing your daddy, but you do gain points for having a good relationship with your father.

Daddy issues are real, America. Everybody has them in some way. Whether its that you don’t know your father and you are fairly impossible in relationships or maybe you do know your father…and are fairly impossible in relationships. Hmm, perhaps this one isn’t fair. Slavery is the root cause of this one. Damn you Alex Haley and your Roots!

You don’t lose points for having no interest in sports, but you do gain points for knowing that you don’t score homeruns in football.

We’ve determined that a woman being into sports can be either a good or bad thing – game wise. Point is, most men don’t expect you all to know or give a sh*t about sports, and we generally like it that way. But we do get impressed when you know something about sports, music, good comedy or video games. Not to say that women don’t know about these things, but many men don’t EXPECT women to know about these things…extensively. Just remember, we don’t actually NEED you to know all that crap. We like our women like we like our white people – authentic. White chicks named Anqoinette just seem wrong.

You don’t lose points for not having  big ole booty, but you do gain points for having a big ole booty.

Like India.Arie and the Sesame Street muppet who really likes her hair, life is all about the little things. Which I guess is a direct contradiction since we’re talking about big ole booty. If we meet a nice woman who has a nice little rump with a lovely face and a great gag reflex, that’s great. Add a big ole booty to the mix and whoooooooooooooo doaggy. Put some stank on it. Look ma, no hands.

Oh, and toot it and boot it. By the way, am I the only person who’s not completely convinced that “Toot It and Boot It” isn’t a spoof song? It almost has to be, right? Right?

You don’t lose points for being an only child, but you do gain points for having brothers and sisters.

There’s a reason why kids who play sports get along better in life. Human interaction and art of sharing is a mothertrucker.

I think that will do for now. What are other similar point gainers? And that goes for men and women? I know the ladies have a bazillion things that men may not lose points for if they don’t have or do, but do gain points for. And yes, that was a horribly constructed sentence. And yes, I’m still sexxy.

I’m Panama Jackson. Lucky me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka VITAMIN P aka 40P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL. HE A 3