Why All Relationship Advice Is Bullsh*t

I have a confession to make. Everything we have ever said about relationships — the rules and regulations, the mores, the laws, the lists, the 21st century updates, the theories about the cookie, when to give up the cookies, how to bake the cookies, and how to eat cookies if you’re dealing with a severe case of acid reflux — is bullshit. All of it. Everything we’ve ever said is full of shit. Shitty shit shit shit shit.

And, by “we” I’m not just referring to VSB. No, this applies to every single bit of dating and relationship advice you’ve received from any and every one from Tyler Perry to the toothless boosters selling ironing boards outside of your nephew’s barbershop.

Shit, when it comes to relationships, even our book — as amazing, insightful, and awe-inspiring as it happens to be (Seriously. Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm at Night is the shit.) — is about as useless as an anus on your elbow.

Now, I realize what I’m saying isn’t necessarily new. You don’t have to go very far to hear someone argue that relationship advice is ultimately meaningless because the dynamics present in each relationship are too variable, too nuanced to be addressed and “solved” by some arbitrary advice. And, well, you also have people who argue that most “relationship experts” are charlatan chickenhawks seeking profit by offering answers to unanswerable questions.

But, while I agree with the valuelessness of relationship advice, I disagree with the reasoning for their conclusions. It’s not useless because the advice is usually wrong. It’s useless because, well, we’re looking at it backwards.

While romantic relationships are often thought of as these mindlessly complex labyrinths where cheat codes and color-coded maps are necessary in order to even have a chance of making it through, relationships are supposed to be easy. Not easier than we currently think they are, but f*cking easy. Easy like Sunday morning. Easier than paper Deltas. So easy that any advice about them should be obsolete.

We make them difficult, though, because we continue to get into relationships with the wrong people.

That is it. There’s no deep discovery. No byzantine secret. 99.999% of the problems that exist in our relationships occur because we allow sexual impulsivity, horniness, peer pressure, cold weather, boredom, loneliness, bills, biological clocks, Beyonce, beer goggles, work goggles, internet goggles, availability, and convenience to convince ourselves to enter relationships with people who just aren’t right for us. And, to add insult to injury, not only are they not right for us, we know they’re not right and still go through with it. Your (and “your” is addressing everyf*ckingbody) relationship didn’t end because of shit that occurred during the relationship. It ended because, well, it never should have began in the first place.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Social Networking Intraux Pas: Don’t Do This

Don't need no words.

While everybody here doesn’t live their entire life like its golden, quite a few spend hours camped out on the Internet. Some folks camp out here at VSB and other sites intended to inspire discussion. Others nestle down on sites that let you buy things you don’t need like that V-neck thong I saw some chick rocking here in DC a few weeks back. What is a V-neck thong?

It’s pretty much what happens when the tortoise and the hare start the race and a honeybadger comes through not caring AND not giving a sh*t.

Exactly. Point is a lot of us spend a lot of time online. And that means that many of us will begin to meet people online. Some folks use dating sites. I happened upon this article on CNN yesterday about called “Online dating? Why no one wants you” that listed a bunch of ways to turn somebody off by the initial message you sent to somebody via a dating site. To wit:

1). The generalizer

Example: hey, wuts up?

Why no one wants you: You’re probably stupid. Or possibly illiterate. What’s going on with you? Something cool? OK, tell him/her about that, instead. Nothing at all? Go out and cultivate a hobby of some sort, and then get back to us.

Guffaw.

That article got my wheels turning. The big wheels kept on turning. Then we were rolling. Rolling. True story, I’ve met a significant number of individuals online. And nearly all of them because they’ve tracked down my AIM and well, AIM’d me. Some successfully, some unsuccessfuly. I’m guessing this is a story many of us can relate to. Especially since so many people have become interested in meeting the very people they follow on Twitter or in comments sections of websites. Either way, much like the first impression dating site intro, I’m sure people have spent significant amounts of time looking like idiots with the random social network connect. So I figured I’d share some similar, but specific ways folks f*ck up that entire potential. Basically the kind of people that don’t get contacted back.

And by the way, some of these will be actual examples of connections gone wrong, perhaps we can call them AT&T ninjas. Bong Bong.

1. “Hi!”

In today’s day and age of baby theft and gorillas taking over the planets, you’ve got to show up with more in your initial greeting than a “hi!” homey. I’m bound to assume that you’re some sort of hi-bot sent to infiltrate my computer system and if I respond back with anything I’ll inadvertently send out some sort of supervirus that will expose all of the hidden children and wives. Plus since I don’t really f*ck with Southwest Airlines like that (I’m more NWA), I won’t feel free to move about the country. I don’t like Snickers either. So I’m mad short. Skeelo.

2. “yo, i read vsb. dm me.”

Yo, me too. I read that sh*t. Can I ask a serious question, what in blue blazes would make anybody think that would be a good way to get me, Panama Dontavious Jackson, to want to talk to you? No dis or anything but that’s retarded. Can’t lie, I tried that sh*t on Rihanna. I @’d her that “I liked S&M. DM me” No response. Perhaps I should have thrown Chris Brown under the bus or something but I kind of feel like you can only try once. Oh well. Chris Brown stays winning anyway, I would have felt dirty. Beautiful people.

3. “You don’t know me but I love your site. I go there everyday. Slim Jackson is my favorite writer.”

Slim if you’re reading. You’ve got a fan out there who thinks you write for VSB. Pretty sure it’s the whole Jackson thing. And this one actually happened. I responded back with “wrong group of reading n*ggas, but thanks for supporting Blackness.” By the way, I’m sure this young lady was lovely but in one fell swoop she proved that she doesn’t read OR pay attention. Womp womp womp.

4. “I think I just saw Panama Jackson at XXX’s.”

This has nothign to do with anything, but let me tell you something, that sh*t is scaaaaaaaaaary. Mostly because it never happens at the club. I’ll be at a specific CVS and my phone will buzz and I’ll see that “404-04″ that I’ve changed to read “Twitter, B*tch” in my phone and “Just saw @panamajackson buying some Charmin Ultrasoft, but wasn’t sure if it was him so I didn’t want to stab the wrong person. Hi @panamajackson!”

For the record, people, people, people, if you do see me out, holla at me. That takes the edge off. I won’t bite you. Unless we ever make it to 2nd base. Or is that 3rd base? I can’t remember.

Bong bong.

5. “Do you want some nude pics?”

My bad, that one is the winner.

Anyway, it’s Friday. Let’s enlighten the masses. What are the most obnoxious and ridiculous ways people can turn you off trying to contact you via social networking? Let’s help the children.

Atari 2600.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

PS Sending extra special prayers and wishing everybody on the East Coast under the threat of Hurricane Irene best of luck this weekend as we all hope that the storm doesn’t negatively impact the lives of too many. I need EVERYBODY to show up on Monday talking about surviving the hurricane. Everybody, dammit. Real talk…be safe people.

Is Age Nothing But A Number?: 5 Reasons To Date Somebody Older Than Yourself

women-dating-older-menI’ve never really dated anybody who was much older than me.  In fact, the “oldest” chick I’ve ever dated only had me by a couple of months.  And by a couple, I literally mean 2.  Then again, you probably knew that since a couple can really only be 2 as opposed to a few which can be quite simply 2 or more, though not really 5.  You see, 5 is a handful, but one is the loneliest number that you’ll ever know.

Exactly.

So, the fact remains that despite not dating an older woman, I’ve witnessed a few situations where some of my compadres both hanglow and nohanglow have done so with outstanding results.  In fact, it often intrigued me.  My standing rule was that I’d date nobody older than 42 (when I was 25).  I figure that 18 years my senior, basically a standard American education (I shall call this measure of time a graduation), was old enough to have the insight to teach me a thing or two.

With education in mind, today, VSB P, your friendly neighborhood 3 and crime fighting loverman, will tell you just why you should date an older dust muffin.

1)  They’ve seen more pr0n than you

This facet cannot be emphasized enough.  Did you all know that pr0n used to have storylines?  It wasn’t all just 5 minute segments with a ridiculous lead in where some “random” woman is walking in a thong, a hangar, and a paperclip in her mouth and is all of a sudden open and ready for some stanky leg.  Actually, I guess after your done it’s the stanky leg.  Before hand, it should all be zestfully clean.  What happened to Zest.  Anyway, they can put you in scenes and roleplay with the best of them and the more pr0n you’ve seen, the more moves you know.  The more moves you know, well, the more you know the moves.

That was dumb.

2)  They don’t have ridiculous expectations

On the fo shizzle, a 50 year old woman isn’t out to play games and figure out life.  She’s probably got a solid 20 years left and only maybe 10 before she dries up into a ziploc bag.  You see, she’s single (or married and plotting her husband’s Lifetime Movie) so she’s in and out and down for one thing.

Smores.  And if you have time some of that good lovin.  You don’t have to play games.  You just do what you do.  You and your crew.

Believe it or not, that was an actual lyric from a popular rap song.

My guitar gently weeps for big face huuuuunids.

3) You don’t really have to mentally exasperate yourself

Or even used words like exasperate.  Older jawns (Philly what up) don’t care about your mental acumen.  They appreciate for you who you are because well, all that mental gymnastics is for marraige and chemistry.  All they want is the big bang and I’m pretty sure we covered that in physics.  So let’s get physic-al.

Man, I’m corny.

4)  They can probably hand-dance

I don’t know why but I feel like all old people can hand dance or step.  I imagine that even somebody 5 years older than me can do all kinds of amazing moves on the dance floor and jazzercise.  This is weird.  But I mean, it’s fun to watch, right?

5)  They can regale you with stories of dinosaurs the olden days

And what better way to get to sleep after schlumping a fossil than to drift off to the dulcet sounds of Masterpiece Theater-in-training.

So, good people of VSB, have you ever dated older (and I don’t necessarily mean senior citizen)?  Why?  What’s the oldest person you’d consider dating?  If you won’t date an older person, why not?

Whatcha say, whatcha say, huh?  Get money.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Hands In The Concrete: 6 Surefire Ways To Impress A Man

g435dj-jewel-postersHere at VSB we’ve spent an inordinate amount of time trying to offer women a glimpse into the minds of men.  Truly, we’re not that complicated.  Find us, f*ck us, and flee (ya know).  It’s really that simple most of the time.

Now despite all of this free and sage pre-paid legal advice and consultation, we still get questions from women about how they might snag the attention of a particular male suitor.  And being the generous, love-loving gentleman (no Ne-yo) that I am, I figure what the hell, why not give the ladies an inside track on piquing the interest of 90 percent of men out there…without their boobs. Continue reading

Black Heat: VSB Guide To the Dos and Don'ts of Summer Madness

Summertime is here and that means that the insane heat is going to be messing with people’s good judgment and common sense. Lucky for you, I, Panama Jackson, am here to provide some do’s and don’ts for the summertime, though really, these rules can apply all year. I’m all-purpose like that.

Follow me. Continue reading