Tag Archives: penis

Things I Would Rather Have Happen Than Have My Wang Cut Off

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SAVE THE WANGS!

So some crazy b*tch cut off another man’s wang. THEN got all the way turnt up with it and put the motherf*cking schlong in the garbage disposal and turned it on. Honestly, I don’t know or understand what would piss any woman off enough to go straight for the linger. Like, of all the ways to exact your revenge that is hands down the cruelest. At least if you murder a dude, he’s whole. But nooooooo…

….this psycho wants to make him unwhole. And face it, a man sans wang is not a whole man. He’s not even half a man. The garbage disposal ensured that he will never be a whole man ever again. Hmm…not that I really want to know this, but I wonder if there is some kind of Wang Organ Donation program? Like would you get to pick from a lineup? What if they tried to give you a tiny wang. Could you in good faith reject that joint on grounds of…well…

I’ve already spent more time thinking about that than is necessary.

Anyway, I decided that I’d do this kind of open suggestion box to all of the women I know. In the event that you should ever be so pissed at me that you need to find a way to exact your revenge, allow me to list all of the things that I’d rather have happen than for you to cut my wang off. Just in case you need some guidance in ways to get at me. Just leave my wang alone.

Ahem…are you ready?

Burn my socks. Pour my trash all over my kitchen and then bring in two honeybadgers to go through it and fight the yogurt cups. Dance all over my Al Green CDs. Force me to hit my dougie right out the shower on a floor with baby oil on it. Make me kiss a porcupine on a Sunday afternoon in September. F*ck that, make it August. Listen to a loop of Mark Jackson saying “mama, there goes that man” with “put it on vibrate” added at the end for kicks. Make me lick the back of Forrest Whittaker’s neck with black pepper and Whoopi’s eyebrows. Watch Oprah Winfrey and Danny Glover’s awkward sex scene in Beloved which was originally titled What The F*ck Is This F*cksh*t Movie I Don’t Know Either And I Wrote It Hey God, It’s Me Toni Morrison. Play nude basketball with Edward Scissorhands sister Petunia Pricklyfingers – PP for short. Drive a SmartCar. Smart a DriveCar. Walk through Compton wearing red, blue, orange, and purple…underwear.

Or be forced to…

Drop my iPhone in water and then prank call the White House pretending to be Osama Bin Laden. Double Dutch with two white kids who wear glasses and know quantum physics. Listen to bagpipes for 24 hours straight while sipping orange drink from an elephant swimming pool in Zamunda. Watch somebody without arms pantomime Kanye’s My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy album using two multicolored toothpicks and their toes.

Or be made to…

Shuck and jive. Or jive and shuck. Hell..bounce, rock, skate, roll…from the window to the wall in a Phoenix consignment shop standing next to a wedding dress. Hold somebody’s mule. Be forced to actually teach pigs how to fly using swine flu. Paint a picture of a white background with black colors and instruction from the Dalai Lama’s 45th in command after a hurricane on an island off the coast of Utah. Try to shoot 50 Cent for the 10th time to get a nice round number. Counsel a woman who’s slept with Lil Wayne’s 3rd cousin.

Or just…

Kick me in the nuts with steel toed boots one solid time as long as their pink. Tell me who left the gate open. Make me convince eskimos why Big Sean is famous. Take all of my Kool-aid. And my CDs about Kool-Aid. Make me watch pr0n of a chick trying to have sex with a pharaoh after he puts the p*ssy in a sarcophagus. Make me listen to fiends scream in my dreams. Make me listen to Alicia Keys scream “New Yoooooooooork” over and over again.

Or just leave. Hell.

Just don’t cut off my wang. Its mine. Stop it.

Real talk, the woman looks like she’d drug a man, cut off his wang and then put it in a garbage disposal.

Seriously, what in Sam Hill would ever be a good enough reason to cut off Johnson & Johnson? Ladies? Fellas? What are other suggestions for ways women can exact revenge as long as they save the wang? And here’s the million dollar question…what the f*ck is the chick equivalent to cutting off a man’s junior?

Inquiring minds would like to know.

SAVE THE WANGS!

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. ONE EYE OPEN aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

good morning mr. wang

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i own an suv.

no, i dont have a wife, any kids, or any plans to go backpacking in the near future but, for me, the suv was the right choice. never mind the fact that it currently gets around 7 miles per gallon, making my monthly gas expenditures rival my freakin rent. forget about the fact that i live in the middle of a somewhat major city, making giant vehicles obsolete, and, while you’re forgetting about that fact, also forget about the fact that suv’s are actually the least safe vehicles to drive. try not to remember that a camry would undoubtedly do a much more efficient job of getting me from a to z…driving my truck just feels better, safer, and well, dammit, just feels better, and theres nothing you can do or say to convince me otherwise.

sounds crazy right?

well, not when you consider how we’re obsessed, even transfixed, with size. from our car choices and barbecue grills to our living spaces, bank accounts, and infatuation with professional athletes, our size obsession permeates everything we think about and everything we do.

with that being said, our borderline compulsive fixation with penis size is the most conspicuous manifestation of this obsession.

i wont lie. penis size does matter…but why are we so obsessed?

there are many answers to this question, but it all basically comes back to one word: anonymity

as the deviant pointed out on her blog last week, it’s the great unknown. there’s no other human body part thats completely left up to the imagination. one of the reasons why it’s somewhat easier for men to fantasize about anonymous sex than it is for women is that there isn’t really that much left up to the imagination with a women’s body. it’s not very difficult to imagine exactly how any women looks naked, regardless of how clothed they might be.

the penis, on the other hand, remains largely anonymous, and dealing with this anonymity pushes us to the brink of insanity. if you think “insane” is too strong of a word, how else would you explain some of the penis size theories that have permeated our consciousness? pretty much any other measurable trait, from race to height to hand size to nose width to confidence level and career choice, have been “found” to correlate with package. i even had a female friend tell me that “without fail, guys with light colored cars always have big d–ks“.

how else can you explain that, despite the numerous studies that have measured and reported that the erect penises of the vast majority of male humans on this planet fall somewhere between the 5 to 7 inch range, there are women who refuse to even entertain the notion that anything less than 9 couldn’t possibly ever satisfy them?

and, just in case you aren’t convinced that we’re completely nuts yet, a recent study found that while 85 percent of women were “satisfied” with their partners equipment, only 55 percent of men were pleased with their own joy packages…proof that we’re just as nuts about this as you all are!!

ehhhh. forget about all of this. i’m just looking forward to the day when my truck is completely paid for, and i can trade it in for something much bigger more efficient.

—the champ