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The VSB 10 Point Guide To An HBCU Homecoming

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Most Black people know other Black folks (and some white people too) who have gone to an HBCU. A long time ago I wrote a How-To-Guide-To-Homecoming and since it’s October – generally homecoming season for all schools – I figured I’d rehash it. Actually, its almost the end of October so this will only help out anybody who attends schools with homecoming coming up…like Morehouse and Spelman. And NC A&T who swears they have the GHOE. Aggie Pride and what not.

Anyway, here’s a homecoming primer of sorts…

1. Get to the airport early…unless your really excited about going to homecoming. The more excited you are the greater your chance of having your flight delayed for NO apparent reason leaving from Washington-Dulles International Airport. This will cause you to have to find something to do for, hell I don’t know, 2 hours in a terminal that only has two stores…Starbucks and a Fox News Channel store. I think God was playing with me. To remedy this I suggest having a drink at the airport. Nothing says homecoming like getting tipsy before you even get there.

2. Be prepared to drink for the whole weekend. This includes arriving to the homecoming spot and getting lit up from the second you walk into your homeboy’s house. This is possible by having a young woman in a house full of dudes making drinks that for some reason pack more of a punch than Mike Tyson in his prime walking around Bolivion. Also be prepared to not go anywhere for the rest of the evening…because you will forget that somebody needs to be the designated driver, and everybody in said place is drunk.

Addendum to #2: On the off chance that somebody does show up who isn’t drunk. Have him take you to Waffle House. Just make sure that bitch isn’t being robbed at 2am when you decide to go there. Basically, make sure you know where another Waffle House is just in case the one you stop by…is being robbed.

3. Get thee to a club. It’s very important to take pictures you won’t remember taking, and having conversations that would obviously never occur unless you are inebriated, so go to a club that has a huge dance floor and lots of people. Drunk dancing is the most fun dancing you can have. But drunk crossing the street…GOT DAMN that is hands down the most challenging sh*t. Crossing Peachtree Street in Atlanta, GA, is like playing Frogger if you have been drinking a lot of anything. I suggest this at least once.

4. Now this step is very important. Wake up the next morning.

5. Plan appropriately for the tailgate. Now this is very very important. It involves proper time management. There is this drink that has been dubbed Uncle Ricky’s Punch (hereafter known as the Punch). It is hands down a delicassy. One of my boys cooks this crack in his kitchen. It is important to have White Grape Peach juice for this. If you aren’t careful, finding some damn White Grape Peach juice can take you over 2 hours and send you to both Wal-mart and Krogers. I’m just saying…plan ahead for that or you’ll be pissed because you are trying to get to the tailgate and you end up driving around Southwest Atlanta (SWATS…I miss when this used to be known nationwide) and into neighborhoods you didn’t even know existed and fear for your life ultimately ending up leaving like 2 hours later than you planned when you already woke up late…over some damn White Grape Peach Juice.

6. More tailgatery. After the Punch has been made…TASTE IT. If you don’t feel a single thing after drinking it, it’s perfect. You now know you will be drunk by the time you leave from the tailgate…of course you have to get there. Which reminds me…if possible, do not try to pack 6 GROWN ass people into a Honda Civic. Or better yet…ask to drive. NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING was more uncomfortable and joke inducing than grown ass people literally sitting on eachother. I mean, we all got jobs and shit. It just didn’t seem right.

7. Get to the tailgate and walk around and enjoy being a graduate of Morehouse your school and love seeing all the black folks you haven’t seen in a year and just enjoy life all around. Also…be prepared. Saturday is always somewhat a blur for me. I usually get more phone numbers and business cards than I can even remember. Thanks to the Punch. Also, don’t get greedy with the punch…share the punch and you’ll have strange women coming up to you later talking about how good that damn punch is and giving you wonderful hugs.

8. Please oh please find out where the hot spot is. Going to the right club during homecoming is vital. EVERYBODY is throwing a party. That means that one of them bitches is going to be empty. To avoid ending up there, stay in constant contact with lots of different people via Twitter and texting. Upon finding the right spot…don’t drink anything else liquor related. You will not feel good. And, have a good damn time. Get your boogie on.

9. You will be tired at this point. So let me remix that last sentence, get your boogie on as much as your body will let you. But always always always…make time to hit up the dance floor when any southern crunk song or “It’s time for the perculator…” comes on. This is vital.

By this point…your homecoming experience is almost over and sad thoughts of having to say good-bye will creep in when you leave the club. You will no longer be drunk…just happy that you were there…which leads to the final step.

10. Don’t take your friends for granted. If you actually have friends you are really lucky. If you have about 20 folks you can honestly call GOOD friends…well, consider yourself to one of the luckiest bastards on earth.

Happy Homecoming!

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. HOMECOMING NO KANYE aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

We’re in the homestretch for our Indiegogo campaign! It’s the last week and the great push. As always, we appreciate those who have donated and are sending out an SOS to those folks who like to wait until the last minute, like I do, to donate. We’re halfway to our goal which is great, but we know we can get further to our goal. Let’s all help save some kittens and donate to the VSB Series!!!

 

VSB Guide: The Do's and Don'ts of BBQ Etiquette

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heavy load movie This past weekend, 2/3 of the VSB family, VSB P and Liz, threw a birthday BBQ in Washington, DC to commemorate our ascendance into wisdom and sagacity.  You weren’t invited, unless you were, in which case you were probably there since quite a few people I actually didn’t know were there.  At my house.  That’s okay, this BBQ was practice of Iversonian levels.  For what you ask?

The VSB BBQ.  You heard it here first.  Coming soon.

Anyway.

It’s summertime in your city.  The advent of summertime means that every weekend, save for the weather, somebody you know is having a BBQ.  Now you might not KNOW that a BBQ is going on, but perhaps you just weren’t invited.

Maybe it’s because you suck and don’t know BBQ etiquette.  Lucky for you, I was born.

Allons-y.

VSB Guide: The Do’s and Don’ts of BBQ Etiquette

Do show up with something unless it is specifically stated by the host that you are not to bring a thing.  Nothing is worse than the mothertrucker who just shows up to the BBQ, eats all the food, drinks all the drinks, doesn’t help clean up and leaves.  If this is you, go kill yourself.

On the other hand, don’t show up with some twist-ties for some trash bags that you did not bring, talking about “I’m contributing to the cause.”  I’m not saying somebody did this this past weekend, I’m just saying don’t ever do that again motherf*cker or I’ll run you over with my Magnum with two boxes of Kit-Kats in my trunk.

Do make sure to dress appropriately for a BBQ, which is by most accounts, an outdoor event.  At this past BBQ, this chick I know (bless her heart) ACTUALLY showed up with a sweater on because it was “cool” this morning.

By the way, that morning, it was 69 degrees outside.  The forecast predicted 80.  I don’t care if you’re from the 7th ring of Hell where its usually 2000 degrees, if the forecast is 80, wear some loose fitting and non-wool clothes, duckface.

If you choose not to wear the appropriate clothing, don’t complain to anybody that it’s hot as it will give Panama them free reign to douse your dumas with the water hose.  Not that this happened or anything.

Do make sure that if you are going to drink alcohol in the sweltering sun and heat that you pace yourself so that you don’t end up being the dude trying to go to sleep on my somebody’s deck because you mixed too much light and dark liquor together and got sick.  It just doesn’t make you look good — you look like the guy who can’t handle his liquor.

Do enjoy whatever food that the hosts provide assuming it tastes good, but don’t complain about what they didn’t cook if you didn’t bring a single thing to the table in the first place.  There’s nothing worse than somebody who finds a reason to complain because you didn’t have steak at your BBQ when they showed up with a bottle of $2.99 wine.  Seriously, who in the flying black squirrel f*ck drinks wine at a BBQ anyway??  That’s new to me.  Perhaps I’m uncultured because at every BBQ I’ve been to its beer and hard liquor.

Apparently as you acquire degrees, folks start bringing Pinot Noir to the soiree.  Hey ho.  Hey hey.

Do make sure to be social.  It’s a BBQ: God’s Social Hour.  Seriously, that’s how you can tell whether or not you have a keeper boyfriend or girlfriend.  If you take them to a BBQ, a social event by design, and they retreat into themselves and don’t speak to anybody except you, throw the b*tch back.

By the way, in that last sentence, b*tch is non-gender specific.

Speaking of speaking, if you do happen to decide to go to a BBQ being thrown by somebody you don’t know, don’t traipse your happy little arse into the person’s abode or pavilion and not speak to a single person except the person you know.  For one, a person like me will call you straight the f*ck out for coming into my establishment on some f*ck sh*t.  But also, it’s just rude.  And nobody likes rude people.  People like nice people who smile and speak.

Maybe it’s the southerner in me, but seriously, that’s like coming in my house and not wiping your feet on the rug.  Disrespect.

Well, I think that’s enough out of VSB P for now.  What are some other do’s and don’ts that people need to be aware of when attending a BBQ and specifically the upcoming VSB BBQ?

Sharing is caring people.  We’re indirectly healing the world.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3