Tag Archives: pain

D*mn, D*mn, D*mn James.

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A long time ago (at least 6 years ago at this point), Panama was really feeling this chick. Panama was feeling her so much he kept referring to himself in third person because she’d done such a number on him.

I went all out for this chick. I’d go see her at every opportunity I could, which sucked because she lived in Baltimore and I was in DC, but oh well, for her, there was no mountain high enough.

Heck, there was no valley low enough to keep me from getting to her.

We’d go out and spend time together. I shared my feelings and she’d tell me how much she liked me. I held her hand and gazed into her eyes.

Ah. Bliss.

That was until I found out she was dating 3 other guys. Not only that, she found no need to tell me about it because she wasn’t dating me and we were “just friends”.

Fail.

I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how hurt I was. For one, I couldn’t figure out how she could be dating so many guys at one time. I mean she managed to spend significant time with all of us, even me, her “friend.” Apparently, she lived in a world with 25 hour days. Me no know.

Either way, I was baffled, befuddled, and ultimately heartbroken. Of course, I didn’t let her know that I wanted to run over her with a Mac truck 6 times then sprinkle sawdust and coconut slivers over her body was hurting. I did my best attempt to keep it moving but getting heartbroken is difficult. I couldn’t take my mind off the fact that I was dating somebody who had no clue. There’s nothing worse than finding out that what you thought you had didn’t exist. So I had to keep my mind distracted.

Since, I’m sure I’m not the only person to go through this, let me offer some advice on how to proceed should you ever find yourself in this predicament; a sort of, how to get over a person you thought you were dating when you’re the last person to find out you ain’t.

1. Refrain from wanting to Don’t do them bodily harm. Face it, you’d go to jail and you STILL wouldn’t be with them. It’s a lose-lose. Unless of course you can make it look like you had nothing to do with it, but I watch CSI. They’ll find you in less than 59 minutes every time.

2. Go sleep with a lot of date other people. I know this is hard to do considering, but really, this is the only way to truly get over a person. Unless of course you see them out somewhere (I did) at which point you will lose your new date because your demeanor and attitude will change and you’ll try to stab somebody. In fact, if you see them out, just tell your date that you’ve come down with the Herculean Crab Shakes and its best if you go home, pronto, because they really don’t want to know what happened last time.

3. Stop calling them like normal. It’s hard to because at the point you find out that you’re not dating you’re pretty much on cloud nine and treating them like the homie/lover/friend. Unfortunately, they treated you liked R. Kelly and pissed all over your Sunday. Pissy Sundays are the worst.

4. If they call to kick it go and kill them, respectfully decline and find something better to do. Sure you’d rather kick it, but really, what’s the point? Every date is a reminder that while you were making plans for the future, they were thinking about what to wear on their REAL date later on. Face it, you’ve already lost the battle, bub. On the other hand, it never hurts to hit (if you can, and you probably can) and then bounce on some, “yeah, I have to go wash clothes now” tip. Bitter? Sure. Satisfaction? You betcha.

Of course, you’ll probably cry in the car later. Or was that Red from Friday?

5.  Date one of their friends Just kind of fade them out. Sad to say but they’ll hate it and will probably come around (they ALWAYS come around) but like I said, if you have to resort to tactics, they’re not really who you need anyway.

Plus, if you fade somebody out of your life, it gives you more time to evaluate the situation and realize that you probably dodged a bullet because she’s fighting factors and genetics bigger than herself.

Zing!

So, good people of VSB, do you have any advice for a person who’s trying to get over a person they were never really dating in the first place?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3 

better than the alternative

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i usually listen to one of my mix cds or my ipod during my 15 minute drive home from work. earlier in the week though, i’d grown tired of listening to “amazing” and “somewhere i belong” on repeat for the 82th time, so i decided to do the unfathomable…listen to the early evening (i occasionally listen to steve harvey in the mornings) urban radio station (WAMO) for the first time in approximately five months.

now, since i don’t listen to the radio or watch videos (i download all of my new music from blackgirl online and other adult message boards. no, seriously, lol. i’m soooo not playing), i wasn’t expecting to be able to immediately recognize most of the songs. what jarred and saddened me was the fact that not only had i never heard any of these songs before…i never even heard of the artists. not. one.

***and i couldnt understand sh*t any of them were saying. i felt like a white person trying to watch “the wire” for the first time***

that 17 minute listen made me feel as if i had aged 17 years overnight, lol, and was one of the many constant and blatantly perceptible signs that im getting old(er).

so, as a service from the verysmartbrothas (and ms. lizzard burr), the champ has decided to give you…

…four unmistakable signs that you’re getting old(er)

1. doing absolutely nothing…and loving it

when you’re young, if you happen to spend a weekend night in the crib, you usually spend the whole time wondering and fantasizing to death about all of the marvelous and slutty things other people your age are doing at the time. by the time i turned 26, i’d mutter “i should have stayed my ass at home” at least once during at least 75 percent of my outings.

now, i make up excuses not to go out.

“naw man, i’m good. sportcenter highlights are always better when rece davis is the anchor, and he’s scheduled to appear on tonights show. i can’t miss that sh*t”

2. waking up with random pains

a few saturdays ago as i lazily crawled out of bed, intent on possibly setting the guiness world record for the least-productive 12 hour stretch, my first step on my carpet forced me to let out one of the most bitch-ass chill-emitting screeches that a grown-ass man could muster. no, i didnt step on a dead hooker piece of glass or a nail or anything…it was just my big toe, in about as much excruciating pain as a big toe could muster. what made it even worse (read: “more funny”) was the fact that i had absolutely no idea why my big toe was hurting. none. as far as i could remember it wasnt hurting when i went to bed. plus, i hadn’t done any ass kicking recently, so i definitely hadn’t injured my toe on someones deserving hindparts.

the pain eventually went away (and by “eventually” i mean “three days later“) as mysteriously as it came, like a 2 inch long, dark brown skinned gypsy. thing is, as saddening as it is to wake up with unexplained toe pain, it still pales in comparison to…

3….injuring yourself during sex

i know that intense sex may produce a little bit of pain, soreness, and tenderness, but lets just say that father time is f*cking with you when you say to your lover “you know, i think i might need to get an MRI tomorrow. i think i tore my ACL again” after a particularly heated romp in the sack.

4. liberal, schmeberal

vsb.com aint gonna turn into lashawn barber’s corner anytime soon, but i will admit that i’ve gotten more and more conservative socially as i’ve gotten older. at this point, it actually makes me physically recoil when thinking about my years of misguided militantism and lazily lethargic liberalism.  lets put it this way: the 19 year old champ, after hearing about her politics, would have given amy holmes the riot act and the heave-ho from his sack while the 29 year old champ would give it to her while she had a karl rove halloween mask taped on her back

thats it for now. slightly good people of vsb, what else would you add?

—the champ

Eternal Sunshine of Carl Thomas to the Future

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It’s Friday.

One of my favorite movies of all time is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Everybody’s had a person in their life that they wish could have be erased from memory. This movie depicted this concept and theory flawlessly to me.

Not to mention, you get Kirsten Dunst in her undies for a good segment of the movie. Not that I find her particularly attractive, but whatever. Skin is skin. Unless said skin belongs to Grace Jones or Angela Lansbury, in which case, you can have it.

Carl Thomas also felt this way and did his best impression of a person who could sing in his first single, “I Wish I Never Met Her”. And despite the fact that Carl Thomas sounds like ass vocally, the sentiments are quite apropos. Been there done that. Wish I never did what I done done. Like Shawty Lo, except spelled “dun dun”.

Thing is, I have maybe one person that I wished I’d never met. Hell, I’m pretty sure I told her at some point. But there was no crying for her Argentina. Truth is, though I wished I’d never met her, in some way, she helped to contribute to the sexxy beast that I am today. So perhaps wishing I never met somebody is a bit extreme.

However…there are definitely SITUATIONS that in retrospect I wish I would have changed. Hell, if I had my current wisdom I wouldn’t have made many of the mistakes I made early on. Like the time I knew my ex had cheated on me but I chose to “not believe it”. If I had the chance to go back, I’d have just dropped her ass that day I figured it out instead of hanging around for more months of insane boredom and inexperienced domegame. Sh*t, I could have had a V8. Because of that chick I ended up passing up a chance to have my way with Beyonce before she met Jay. And that’s not true at all, however it made for a better story than it started out as.

For the hell of it: Butteryfly Effect.

So, good people of VSB.com in the Kingdom of Smartness, what would you do differently? Any blemishes from the past that you’d like to Proactiv away or decisions that probably just weren’t so hot that your current wisdom wouldn’t let happen even if Mel Gibson was directing your life’s story?

-VSB P