I’m here blogging all the way live from Huntsville, Alabama since Mother Nature has put her foot all up in the arse of the East Coast this winter. I been stranded, I been stranded. Hopefully I make it back to DC sometime in the near future, but for now, you’re gettin’ some southern fried funk all up in your e-reader. Swag.
Well, because most ninjas I know are watching the Oscars tonight because of 12 Year A Slave’s nominations, I figure I may as well participate in the action with some blogaliciousness. Swag me out.
Also, we’ll see how long I’m able to keep this up. I usually get bored by the Oscars. This year is likely to be no different. Luckily I have my favorite white woman, Ellen, to keep me entertained.
8:30: Annnnnnnnd we’re off. Normally if I see this many tiny white men I assume its a midget KKK rally. Do those even exist? I’m going to keep watching anyway, tho. Luckily these are all tiny see through mannequins. What?
8:32: I f*cks with Ellen the long way. Word that up. I even f*ck with this neck-tie thing she has going on. Thomas Jefferson is like, “I swagged that out first, my Gs”.
8:33: And already Ellen hit our elderly population with the first insensitve joke. I luvs her. See what I did there? Luvs? Diapers? But I’m sleep. Oh…and African jokes. Somali? Sommelier? Bong Bong.
8:35: Can we start a petition to get people like Ellen to host everything? Chris Rock was good a few years back if I remember. Oh…and let’s make sure that LL never hosts anything ever again. Shots at Hollywood’s degree attainment. Though techincally, if somebody was gonna pay me $10milli I’d bounce on college too and buy me a degree online from DeVry. Or ITT Tech.
8:36: Can we please have a moment of silence for the bangin’ ness of Jennifer Lawrence?
8:40: “And now welcome our first white presenter: Anne Hathaway!!”
8:42: First award up, Best Supporting Actor. We’re one award in and we’ve already got more awards presented than the BET Awards from the past 10 years combined. The lesson here? Well there isn’t one. And Jared Leto walks away with it for Dallas Buyer’s Club. Jared Leto is one pretty motherf*cker. He is also fly as THE f*ck up there. Shout outs to mothers stay winnin’ outchea. This ninja talked for quite some time though. I mean, he’s really speeching this up. Wrap it up, b.
Jared Leto is one talkative chap.
8:47: Jim Carrey sighting. Is he the most successful In Living Color alumni? Real question. I asked this real question on Twitter and Twitter quickly said Jamie Foxx. This is debateable, but Jamie might have it.
8:50: Look at Kerry Washington up here introducing another Black person, Pharrell performing “Happy”. Das racist. I mean, it might seem crazy what I’m about to say, but I’m happy so f*ck it. You know, I love this song, but I can really say that I did not see this song taking off like it has. Every day I see somebody post that they are listening to this song to start their day. Which is good, don’t worry, be happy. But some of y’alls is some liars. I know some straight up angry folks posting that song. Must be an example of irony or something. Oh, and Pharrell dancing with Lupita? Racial harmony from the album cover or nah?
8:57: I’m already losing steam but then I heard Samuel Jackson. And I’m like, of course, Samuel Jackson. If he doesn’t yell, I will be disappointed. I feel like Sam Jack needs an honorary Oscar for existing. Shit should be an annual award, “the Samuel L. Jackson Award for Existing”.
9:02: Harrison Ford came out still talking like Branch Rickey from 42. I can’t tell if he normally talks like this and I didn’t know or he’s still acting.
9:05: It’s very easy to get distracted by other things while the Oscar’s are on. For instance…wait…Channing Tatum looks extremely pretty right up there on stage and I’m sure every woman just exhaled. Wait, what was I talking about again? Dammit. Distracted again.
How long is this show? Dammit.
9:11: Ellen outchea giving away LOTTERY TICKETS to people who didn’t win????? That’s so ice cold and hilarious at the same time I don’t even know what to say. I just used like 20 words to say something that I didn’t know what to say.
9:12: Okay, Matthew McConnaghey (sp?) is one fly motherf*cker. Like, for reals. And, listen up America, Botox is not always your friend.
9:15: I saw Frozen and didn’t love it. I thought it was cool, but didn’t love it. However, America seems to have felt differently. That damn movie is EVERYWHERE. So, if Frozen is in a category, Frozen is winning a category.
9:20: I feel inclined to say that at this point, I’m literally fading. I haven’t had a drink (that’s not completely true) but we’re all here for the big awards. They don’t televise stuff like, “Best Singer who Wears Socks”, we could definitely cut the time on this show by only televising the awards most of us watching even realize exist. With that being said, Sally Field.
9:22: I swear I feel like I’ve been watching this show for the past 3 days and its only been an hour. Fuuuuuuuu*ck.
9:25: Some people are singing some song about something. Wow, this is getting REALLY hard to keep up with just from an awake standpoint.
9:36: Bradley Cooper is one cool dude. Even when he’s talking about documentaries, he makes them seem like extra cool documentaries.
9:40: The Oscars just got hit with “His Eye Is On The Sparrow”. We’re all better off for that even if I didn’t see that coming at all.
9:43: Angelina Jolie manages to prove that if there is a fountain of youth out there and you can stay fine as long as you put your mind to it. She is FOCUSED on staying bad as hell.
Here’s whats happened in the last 17 minutes:
Brad Pitt lookin’ like he drinks at the fountain of youth with Angelina every morning. Viola Davis came out and hit the Kenya Moore twirl like “Lupita ain’t the only darkskint woman of note outchea people” and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….
10:03: It’s possible I never really pay attention, but there have been a pretty substantial number of Black folks on here thus far. I think. Michael B. Jordan came out with some type of urban wear star tie clip. I’m gonna say that was not a good move. But he’s the man anyway.
10:05: Ellen really was posting the selfies she was taking. That makes me feel like I’m really apart of the process. Awww…thanks Ellen.
10:11: We’re finally getting to the awards that most of us care about. Best Supporting Actress…and the winner is….(I’d totally smang Jennifer Lawrence)….(Lupita is too regal for me to say anything so crass, this feels like a blog post in the making….but ummm…she purty)….HOLY SH*T SHE WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LUPITA I MEAN!!!!!!!! And she went up there and gave a good speech. I feel like everybody was happy that she won.
You know how some people just seem like you want good things to happen to them. That’s how I feel about her.
I could probably quit now since this is the ENTIRE reason why I watched this long ass show. But I’ll try to continue to stay awake.
10:22: Ellen really just ordered pizza and handed it out. To the audience. She is LEGIT one of the best hosts for all times.
10:26: Bill Murray is still very funny. I have nothing else to add to that.
10:35: Pink is singing. She can sing. People will stand up and clap for her.
10:37: Pink finished singing. People stood up and clapped for her.
10:42: Ellen with the fairy costume. She has energy. She needs it. This show is still going on.
10:59: I lowkey forgot I was doing this by now. Let’s see what’s happened since we last spoke. I honestly don’t know. They did the dead people tribute and Bette Midler sang a song. She sang “Wind Beneath My Wings”…I used to love this song. Still do. You know, I remember many people’s voices much differently when I was younger. Their voices were…better.
11:11: At this point I’m just waiting for the big awards to happen. Oh…Jamie Foxx just showed up with Jessica Biel. Jessica Biel is all types of win. ALL TYPES.
11:33: We’re at the director’s award…Sidney Poitier is on stage in all his vaingloriousness with Angelina Jolie in her fineness and Gravity took it. I haven’t seen it so I’m hatin’. Not really. From what I hear the movie was amazing.
11:41: And we’re nearing the end of the show. This show needs some rappers. Anyway…the Oscar for Best Actress in a Leading Role….Cate Blanchett. For somebody from Australia, she’s done a good job kickin’ that accent.
11:48: Matty M takes the best actor prize. He did a great job in that movie. Also leads to the conspiracy that we can’t get but too many in one night. Not really a conspiracy though. I’ve been drankin’.
11: 56: Motherf*cker, 12 Years A Slave wins Best Picture.
And I’ve given all I have.
Godpseed and good night.