Sorry for not providing a better pic, but as you might have guessed, googling "black orgasm" doesn't exactly give you a ton of work safe options.

Although I haven’t brought an egg timer or stop watch to bed with me to measure one yet, I feel very confident in saying that my average orgasm lasts somewhere between three and eleven seconds. And, although I haven’t done any extensive research on this topic, I feel equally confident in saying that most men could say the exact same thing. (Perhaps, since every man has one, we should start saying “Opinions are like three to eleven second long orgasms.” Gives the saying a bit more punch than “assholes” does)

You’re probably wondering why I seem to be so concerned with the length of my — and the rest of my brethren’s — orgasms. It’s not the length that concerns me, though. It’s the lengths we go through to do something that lasts about as long as it’ll take for you to read the rest of this sentence.

Before I continue, although the title lets you know that I think orgasms are undoubtedly overrated, don’t take that to mean that I think they’re bad. They are the antithesis of bad. They are outstanding, amazing, superb, practical, remarkable, resourceful, colorful, enlightening, and even occasionally educational. I’ve had orgasms that have made me speak in dead languages (Fluently!), that have made me scream the same dignity-less scream I’d scream if I woke up with a spider on my lip, that have made me get up and fry bacon buck naked, that have even made me whisper ”damn” with the same understated reverence usually reserved for Free’s ass, movies where Denzel sheds tears, and your mom’s turkey gravy. As a self-proclaimed orgasm expert, I staunchly believe that a collective increase of our country’s orgasms would lead to a collective decrease of our country’s crime. Orgasms are, by any stretch of the imagination, the shit.

But, while their status as the shit is unquestioned, this shitness pales in comparison to the effort we take to receive them. Seriously, think about the absurd, idiotic, embarrassing, and scandalous-ass stuff we’ve done just because of the mere possibility of having an orgasm. Think about the time you flew to New York during a coast-wide blackout, or the time you risked your perfectly good relationship to have one, or the time in high school you begged your mom to let her borrow her car and conveniently “forgot” to pick her up from work on time just so you could have more time to have an orgasm with a person that you thought so little of that they weren’t allowed past the basement steps and still think so little of that you just blocked them from your Facebook feed last week. If you’ve had unprotected sex before (which, I’m assuming 99.7% of the sexually active people reading this have) you’ve risked your freakin’ life for an orgasm.

Now, I realize that this need to orgasm isn’t necessarily about the orgasms as much as the context (the person you’re with, the connection you share, and blah, blah, blah, blah) and what can possibly happen when you have one (procreation). In this sense, it’s a means to an evolutionary end. But, although I’m not sure if our minds are advanced enough to perform the cognitive dissonance needed to completely disassociate having an orgasm with what could very likely be the result of that orgasm, I know that I’ve never, ever, ever consciously thought “I need to put a baby in her belly” when seeing an attractive woman at the bar. In fact, I’ll usually be thinking of putting the, um, “results of my orgasm” anywhere on her person (foot, cheek, back, ear, back of the ear, etc) except for the one place it’s supposed to go (vagina).

Would I still maintain that orgasms were overrated if they lasted longer? Perhaps. But, considering the effort undertaken to receive them, orgasms might have to last 120 to 150 minutes at a time to begin to receive an accurate return on our investment, and I don’t know if we’re prepared to handle that.

I do know, though, that 25 to 30 minutes after I finish writing this, there’s a (98.7%) chance that I’m going to check a special folder on my desktop, grab a lubricating agent, a towel, turn the heat up in my place so my hands and feet don’t get cold, and begin the process that’s going to lead to that aforementioned three to eight seconds of unadulterated theshitness.

But, despite this relatively miminal effort, only one thought is going to go through my head while I perform my usual post-masturbatory duties (clean up, shower, self-loath, etc) “Damn, I was right. This IS overrated. Perhaps I’ll hurry up and perform this overrated task again.”

—The Champ

Along with “Who really shot Kennedy?“, “Is there intelligent life outside of Earth?“, and “What in the everliving f*ck is going on in Lebron’s head?“, “How can you be completely certain that a woman has climaxed?” is a question that seems to have no right answers; a query that causes at least 72% of all male angst and has lead to countless sleepless nights, dozens upon dozens of divorces, and several wars (What? You’re telling me you didn’t know that the Trojan War was just a contrived ploy to finally get Helen to squirt?)

While many have their theories, there really is no concrete data; no definitive and full-proof determination of a woman’s orgasm. Well, let me rephrase that. There is no definitive and full-proof determination of whether a woman is prone to orgasm, except, of course, the way she walks.

From The Frisky

According to a group of sexologists from the Universite Catholique de Louvain in Belgium, you can determine with 81.25 percent accuracy whether or not a woman has had a vaginal orgasm at some point in her life. How you, ask? By the way she walks. Researchers found that women who had experienced vaginal (not clitoral) climaxes were 80 percent more likely to walk with longer strides, greater pelvic rotation, and with leg muscles neither loose not locked, a “gait that comprises fluidity, energy, sensuality, and freedom.”

Now, whether these findings are the result of correlation or causation is unclear. You can easily make the case that women who “walk with longer strides, greater pelvic rotation, and with leg muscles neither loose not locked” just have a more confident and self-assured stride. And, since these women are probably just more confident and self-assured in general, they’re more likely to orgasm during sex.

Either way, the fact remains that this study proves that the little tidbit of advice you’ve heard from every hood barber, black uncle, neighborhood playa, pimp, and ex-con grandfather was correct: You really can tell how good a women’s p*ssy is by the way she walks.

Anyway, the “sexy walk” is just one sign that a woman is getting that good good. Here’s a few more.

At least one of her friends wants to sleep with her man

Even if a woman doesn’t necessarily advertise her perpetually broken back to her friends, the hyper-alert senses that most women possess will alert them to it. It’s almost as if they can smell it on her, like she’s wearing a special “Drenched Knickers” scent from Bath and Body Works.

If these friends happen to be black, there’s at least a 119% chance that they’ll be single, and a 2225% chance that one of them hasn’t had a quivering thigh since the series premiere of “The Closer” and wouldn’t mind sampling her man’s goods.

She’s gets an inordinate amount of male attention

You ever wonder why certain women always seem to get attention from men, wherever they go and whoever they’re with? Well, let’s just say that women aren’t the only ones who can sniff out a “sexually adept” chick. Even if we don’t realize we’re doing it, men tend to gravitate towards women give off the “I enjoy sex just as much as you do. Maybe even more” vibe.

This, btw, is exactly why I give the exact same advice to any woman who asks how to get more men to approach her when she’s at the club. Make sure to masturbate before you go out. (And, if you really want to increase your chances, don’t clean up afterwards either)

She seems to always wear skirts and dresses

Maybe “free” and confident women are more likely to wear skirts and dresses, and this freeness and confidence transfers to the bedroom. Maybe it’s a subconscious way of advertising her sexual health. And, maybe she always just needs some direct oxygen to air it the hell out. Either way, there seems to be a strong correlation between “woman who’s always rocking a dress” and “woman who’s had her bottom hit in the last 48 to 72 hours.”

I realize this assertion is completely anecdotal and unscientific, but I’m pretty certain what your answer would be if I asked you “Which woman looks like she’s having good sex on the regular?” and forced you to choose between her

and her

Anyway, people of VSB.com, do you agree with the study? Do you think that a woman’s walk can give away whether she has regular orgasms?

Also, can you think of any more signs that a woman is getting that “good good” on a regular basis?

The carpet is yours.

—The Champ

Please help keep Panama off the block and The Champ on the wagon and buy “Your Degrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime”

orgasms are somewhat overrated

it first dawned on me a couple a weeks ago while watching my girlfriend’s neutered cat play “chase the off-white piece of lint that actually might be a dead moth” for five minutes in her living room. although i initially looked at mr. peepers (the name of the cat) with a feeling of haughty “aha. i have a pair of deez and you don’t“  ridicule, it soon dawned on me that even though this eight pound piece of fur has never even fathomed what an orgasm is, he’s happier playing with a piece of dried skin on a hardwood floor than i’ve ever been (or will ever be) about anything, and this made me re-evaluate my feelings about the big o.

before i continue, i want to make clear that “overrated” doesn’t necessarily mean “bad” or “worthless” or any other adjective with negative connotations. for instance, if you (rightly) referred to kobe bryant as the most overrated player in the nba, it doesn’t mean that he’s not a great player…just not exactly as great as many would like you to believe. i mean shit, as much as i love oranges, i’m willing to admit they’re the most overrated member of the citrus family (limes and lemons are much more versatile)

but, although we all love orgasms more than crackheads love home depot, when you consider the lengths we go through and the risks we take to get them, you can’t not come to the conclusion that the five to twenty-five second creamy culmination of our trials and tribulations is more anti-climatic than season five of the wire.

anyway, remembering this made me think about a few more things about sex that kind of suck when you really think about them, and, without further ado, here’s six more

2. post-coital clean-up

with all the talk about unemployment and new job creation, why hasn’t someone founded a post-coital clean-up company yet? seriously, as annoying as it can be to clean up after sex, who wouldn’t pay someone to come in your crib and take care of all the wet spots, used condoms, dead midgets, and dirty sheets for you while you were still in your uber-lazy post sex coma? i know i would.

3. hearing people much younger or much older than you talk about it

i would be a much happier champ if i could go through the rest of my life never hearing anyone more than ten years younger (because i’m always tempted to just tell them to shut the f*ck up) or fifteen years older (because i’m always tempted to just tell them that nobody wants to think about your old ass f*cking) than me refer to anything sexual in any context ever again.

4. the “i didn’t do a complete and thorough clean-up of my parts after sex last night, and now its the morning and my wang is practically superglued to my boxers” face.

***this, btw, is a close cousin of the “i didn’t do a complete and thorough clean-up of my parts after sex last night, and now its the morning and i have to pee and my hole is glued tighter than sam jackson’s wig in pulp fiction” face***

5. what happens when attempting to figure out how to deal with unexpected bodily functions (sneezing, passing gas, crying, etc) during sex

personally, i usually just signal for a time-out when this occurs. (it never actually works though. the referee present usually isn’t paying any attention to me.)

6. penis performance pressure

does this “women are (generally) pressured (to put out) before we get to the sack, but once we actually get there the pressure is (generally) all on men to perform” count as irony, and shouldn’t i be a bit ashamed that i’m not completely sure whether that’s ironic

7. the drought goggles

worn when you’re going through a longer than usual (and “usual” in this case is relative. for some it could be two weeks. for others, two years) period of a lack of opposite sex contact, they decrease your usual standards exponentially, but, at this point, you could really care less. the mailman,your kids school-bus driver, your parole officer, DMX’s wife, your ex…right now, it doesn’t matter, and that just simply sucks

anyway, i’m sure i’m missing a few. tell me, people of vsb.com, what else about sex really kind of sucks sometimes?

—the champ

t-shirt worn by new black superhero, “the optimist”

i felt myself overcome with a sudden sense of relief and contentment yesterday afternoon while reading two articles (“crying after sex, really” and “what brings you to the big o?“) and the accompanying comments

you see, as a grown man, i felt that i should be a expert by now on the female orgasm. i mean, (i think that) i’ve seen them and (hope that) i’ve been an active part in inducing them, but if i were coaching a sex team and was asked by my players to diagram a female orgasm play for an easy and sure touchdown, i’d be more befuddled than eric mangini.

but, articles such as those have taught me that i’m not alone: nobody really knows sh*t about the female orgasm, women included.

sure, many people much more intelligent than i have their theories and ideas, but there isn’t a person on the planet that can give you factual and universal information about how they occur, what can possibly happen when they do, and, from an evolutionary perspective, why they even happen

anyway, while thanking my friends at the frisky for my newfound sense of coitus-related comfort, i thought of a few other things about sex i’ve learned since becoming an adult.

here’s 11 more

2. libido compatibility f*cking matters

while there’s a lid for every pot, some pots require a bit more time on the stove than others. even the happiest and strongest coupling will eventually shift to sh*t if one party is cool with once every another week (or month) or so and the other needs it at least once a day. eventually one of them will have to “compromise” a bit more than the other, and, depending on who does the compromising, this always results in either the low-libidoed person feeling used for sex and eventually hating it, or the high-libidoed one feeling unwanted and eventually resenting their mate

3. “performance” p*rn sex (stupid acrobatics, stupidly awkward positions, sex in stupidly random places, etc) is usually pointless, awkward, and painful if performed by non-professionals.

quick story: my sophomore year of college, a few teammates and i were so consumed with hotel jacuzzi sex that we had an on-going bet with each other about who would do it first. although i lost, i eventually did the deed a couple years later, and spent the entire time underwhelmed by the feeling, annoyed with the chick trying not to get her hair too wet, and irritated by the chlorine filled water splashing up my nose and in my eyes.

moral of the story: don’t watch showgirls

4. while some women say that you can usually tell how good a man is in bed by how he dances, a man can definitely tell how good a woman is in bed by her relationship to food

5. dont trust a person who says they never masturbate.

if they’re lying they’re too anal and pedestrian to realize that its not a subject worth lying about. if they’re telling the truth, they’re future murderers

6. a woman can actually f*ck her way into a man’s heart, but she needs to have sex with him at least a couple hundred times to do it

7. the idea of a woman willingly and enthusiastically performing and enjoying fellatio matters more than the actual act.

8. dating while horny is no different than grocery shopping while hungry

in both cases, you’ll just end up spending too much for some sh*t you didn’t even really want.

9. white women aren’t inherently easier than any other group of women, its just that many of them go through their “easy stage” (junior year of high school through junior year of college) at an impressionable time when people care the most about the sex everyone else is having

***since i know you’ll ask, from what i’ve seen the “easy stage” breakdown usually goes like this:

well-adjusted white women: 15-20

well-adjusted black women: either 23-26 or 29-34

well adjusted latinas: 12 to death***

10. pretty much everyone who’s ever said they got accidentally pregnant or contracted an std because a condom broke is f*cking lying

11. sometimes “technical difficulties” might occur.

whether its because of stress, fatigue, alcohol, or the sudanese rap song you can’t get out of your head, sometimes sh*t, ummm, doesnt happen. its nothing to be ashamed of though, and as long as you give your sure to be disappointed girl a convincing good will hunting (“its not your fault, its not your fault”) everything should be cool

12. the more i learn, the more i realize i still don’t really know sh*t

thats it from me. people of vsb.com, what has adulthood taught you about sex?

don’t be scurred to share, we’re all family and sh*t

—the champ