to dream the impossible dream
to fight the unbeatable foe
to bear with unbearable sorrow
to run where the brave dare not goto right the unrightable wrong
to love pure and chaste from afar
to try when your arms are too weary
to reach the unreachable star–don quixote, “the man of la mancha”
although “happiness” and “woman” mix like bathtub water and live toasters, i’ve decided today to dig into my wealthy warchest of wisdom to try and take a stab at exactly what a man can do to keep his chick happy even though its really not anyones job to actually make another human being who’s not their underage offspring happy. enjoy
1. be optimistic…always
“for women, reproduction is, if not the only thing, certainly the main thing. apart from giving them a very different attitude to filth and embarrassment, it also imbues them with the kind of seriousness and solemnity at which men can only goggle. ”
in summary: a man in a relationship needs to be excessively optimistic in order to balance her inherently misanthropic ass out.
for this reason, pessimistic men aren’t able to maintain happy relationships. sh*t, after witnessing what child birth does to a vagina, only a true optimist would stay around and willingly have sex again after that.
2. freely flatter
regardless of how confident and self-aware she might seem to be, most women are completely neurotic when it comes to their looks.
with this in mind, regardless of whether she prefers the sparkling adjective (“you’re beautiful, babe”), the matter-of-fact attentiveness (“did i ever tell you that you have the sexiest legs?”), the descriptive hyperbole (“damn, girl. that dress make yo booty look like a big ass bucket of chicken gravy”), the confusingly backhanded (“wow, honey. dinner was great. if would have been even better if you were prettier“), or the aggressively urgent bluntness (“i need to f*ck you…right now”) they need to be regularly reminded in some way that you still find them physically and sexually attractive.
3. brag.
they’ll never admit it, but every woman, despite whatever rad-fem post-womanist leanings they’ll claim, secretly desires to be a trophy showpiece, a dark-brown skinned blue ribbon their man makes a personal edict to boast, gloat, and brag about like he won the powerball.
4. listen and sh*t
not to every word, of course. duh. i said make her happy…not kill yourself. but, do try to make an effort to pay attention to 35-55 percent of what she says and she’ll be gayer than christmas morning
5. occasionally say no for no apparent reason, and refuse to explain yourself
example:
“honey, when you go to the store, can you pick up some wheat bread?”
“no.”
“huh?”
“nope”
“ummm. ok. do you want some head?”
this throws them through loops, and makes you seem more unpredictable, assertive, demonstrative and mysterious than you really are. chicks love safe loops and sh*t. it reminds them of cedar point
6. protect the paint
every great ball team has had an enforcer, a charles oakley or rick mahorn who had everyone’s back with the implied notion that they wouldn’t hesitate to f*ck you up if you were too rough with his teammates. nothing makes a woman happier than knowing that her paint is protected, and nothing induces unprompted morning bj’s better than a concrete “i got yo back” assurance.
so, vsb…am i right or am i right?
—the champ