Things All Black Households Should Have

Even bougie ninjas have plastic on their furniture. Ask Barack and Michelle.

Much like the Baltimore Ravens, all Black families have murderers in their families. Or is that just mine? Wait…did I just snitch? If I tell on myself, does that violate the Stop Snitching hood edict? I’ve never known the answer to that question.

Mr. Panama sir…what’s your point?

Glad you asked.

While criminals are innate to the Black family – and shouldn’t be – there are some things that all Black households should have.

(Don’t you love that completely non-sensical unparalleled parallel that I made there?)

Growing up, I always noticed a certain similarity between my home and the homes of my various friends and family members with Africa in their souls. Simple things like those big ass spoon and fork combos that nobody but Shaq or Willie The Giant could eat with that always managed to sit in a corner like they were fine collectibles and antiques. What is it with ninjas and big versions of everyday stuff? We like big cars, big hair, big booties. None of that is practical. Big cars use a lot of gas. I STAY losing my keys in big haired chicks big hair and a to quote the great poet laureate Andre 3000, “fat t*tties turn to teardrops and fat a** turns to flab…”

I’ll bet you never heard of a player with no game.

Anyway, to be a truly Black household, here is a list of things that you should have. Get like we.

1. A drum

Stereotypical out the gate? Absolutely. I’m dumbfounded by how many Black households don’t have a drum. Any kind of drum. Real talk, when ever I have people at my home and a deep conversation gets going I always break out the drum so people know that it’s real. Amazingly, all of the convos then follow the cadence of my conga playing. Basically it all looks the scene in Love Jones when Savon starts drumming, because drumming was SOOOO a Savon thing to do. By the way, all of this was hypothetical because I don’t actually have a drum. *hangs head in shame*

2. Some sort of Obama something

Commemorative plates. Bobbleheads. Random wanton posters featuring Obama saving a kitten in a tree. Chinese porcelain dolls named Sasha and Malia. Brown paper packages tied up with string. Something. No Black home is complete without some sort of picture, shrine, or weekly family dedication to the Obama clan and their quest to make Black people relevant.

3. Coming To America and at least 2 Spike Lee movies

Well, duh.

4. The Bible and an African-American historical book

Let me tell you something. Back in the day when folks used to go door to door selling sh*t like vacuum cleaners, X-ray machines, and encyclopedias, my parents were the ideal client. Especially if there was some sort of Black book collection. We ended up with a Black Bible (what made it Black, no idea, except it was huge and heavy. We automatically laid down our burdens every time we tried to pick it up.) and some set of encyclopedias that told the Black story. Which was great except 1) who just sits and reads encylopedias (aside from me) and 2) no reports in school were ever about who created spinners or the first ninja to niggarig something. But still, no household is complete without it. Extra points if you have that same ridiculous African-American bible that we have.

5. TCB

Every Black household should have some of that good hair food. That and some pink lotion. Hell I have four bottles of pink lotion and I don’t even have hair. Oh, and NO household is complete without Palmers. One day at Target they were selling bottles of Palmer’s Cocoa Butter lotion for $1.99. I don’t know why or who thought that was a good idea. But I’ll tell you what, I copped 5 bottles. Ashy to classy like a motherf*cker. Word booty. Target definitely caught the fade that day.

6. Diana Ross’s The Bossand Diana albums strictly for the album cover art

It’s that real in the field. Admittedly, this could be a man thing.

What else should all Black households have? Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka BLACKIE CHAN aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

[***AdminNote: For the DC ninjas, come party this Saturday, November 5, 2011 at Liv Nightclub (2001 11th Street, NW) as VSB brings you another edition of REMINISCE, the party dedicated to all 90s everything. Free before 11pm ($10 after); open bar from 10-11pm (real talk); and no dress code. Party wit' ya folk. Doors at 1opm.***]

The Post-Racial Tipping Point?

Confused? Me too. This is how I feel right now.

Last week we looked at Herman Cain’s place in the Black community…well, now CNN is claiming that Cain’s race isn’t as important to conservatives as it used to be. And it’s got me ponderin’.

See, I’m baffled. Damn near dumbfounded. I almost feel like I’m sitting in some alternate reality where Michael Jackson is Black and it doesn’t matter if you’re Black or white.

Why, you ask?

Well, for the first time in history, it seems like nobody in the Republican party realizes – or cares – that Herman Cain is…wait for it…

…wait for it…

…Black.

Now either the majority of Black people are indeed full of sh*t or something odd is going on. For years, Black folks have been shown, taught, and reminded that race was as important a factor in our lives as our education, money, or Tyler Perry. There’s a popular meme in the Black community that no matter who you are or how much money you have, you’re still just an educated n*gga with money.
Yet, somehow, Herman Cain seems to be in a plausible position to push forward and actually secure the Republican nomination for President. Is it possible that we could have two Black men competing for the nations’s highest position?

Like, for real?

Just to keep it gully, I think Justin Bieber has a better chance of making it into a BET cypher than two Black men running for President, against each other. I think that welllllll before we get to the formal nomination Herman Cain will say something else ridiculous (akin to his belief that people in that small Tennessee town were right to stop a mosque from being built on land owned by the Muslims building the mosque or electrocuting Mexicans) or somehow fall out of favor. Will it be solely because as we get closer, white people will somehow wake up and realize, “hold the phone, that’s a Black man up there”? I don’t know. And to be fair, I don’t actually think that everybody’s racist.

But I can’t lie, I’m surprised by the fact that for the first time in Black history, a man’s policies and principles seem to be touted by the party that currently and almost intentionally seems to have the least amount of color amongst their representation. I’ve seen coworkers sing his praises with happiness and tout his plans. And yes, Virginia, they’re white.

Hank Williams, Jr, in the now famous segment that got him kicked out of Monday Night Football lore, said that Herman Cain was the only GOP candidate that made any sense.

Hear ye, hear ye. Hold me.

Would his ascension to the Republican nomination be proof that we are truly living in a post-racial world and that the vast majority of us Black folks complaining about race need to shut up? No. I will forever feel like white people view certain members of our populace as exceptions. Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods, Herman Cain, etc. These aren’t regular Black people.

They’re different.

And they’re all politicians of sorts. Herman Cain’s biggest asset seems to be knowing how to say what white people want to hear. It’s a true skill, trust me.

Interesting enough, all of the racial rhetoric coming out of the GOP involving Cain seems to be coming from him. He seems to be touting a certain type of dissociated Blackness, which is why so many Black people don’t trust him. He’s speaking all of that “you can do it because I did it, by myself” non-sense that gets many people labeled modern day Uncle Toms. It’s an interesting sort of alienation politics that grants him good favor amongst white people (his entire base at this point) and pisses off nearly every Black person within a 1-mile radius. Even his alma mater (and mine), Morehouse College, isn’t exactly singing his praises right now. And amongst the HBCU circuit, this might be the first time nobody wants any part of this competition.

While there is some truth to what he’s saying – for a significant portion of us, our failures are largely our own doing – to ignore the centuries of institutionalized racism is probably as idiotic a mentality as one can have. We have plenty of proof via actual studies about people with ethnic names not getting called back for job interviews while “mainstream” named people (think Jim, John, Beth, Sarah) get the opportunity to interview for a job. And since jobs are a big part of the current political landscape, I think that very real study is telling.

Some of the excitement I’m reading about the Tea Party and GOP’s approval of Cain almost seems ironic. Their excitement is largely driven by proving to people that they aren’t racist. It’s like learning play jazz flute in order to tease the kid up the street who plays jazz flute. If they support a Black man, they cannot inherently be racist. Further, Herman Cain’s popularity proves that race isn’t a big deal.

Yeah, we’ll see when it comes time to pull that lever. Granted, we’re still a long way away from a formal nomination which is why I think that these conversations keep happening. Nobody really seems happy with the current crop of candidates anyway so Cain is something like a positive by not being so negative for the GOP. But I can’t lie, I might have to eat my hat if he actually were to get nominated by the Republican party.

The larger point still remains though: I’m completely surprised by Cain’s success at this point because he is, indeed, Black. It honestly seemed like so many people who disliked (and still do) President Obama did so for very little more than petty reasoning, which makes the race card seem appropriate. His entire presidency has seemed like he’s been running from behind because everybody wanted him to fail. You can’t ignore the big elephant in the room.

But somehow that doesn’t matter with Cain…yet. So maybe we are in a post-racial world. Or not.

Talk to me AFTER he gets nominated.

Does Cain’s popularity amongst the GOP indicate that we are in a post-racial America? Or are we watching an early form of the Bradley effect taking place? Or more sinister, do you Republicans are just trying to make a point??

What gives?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka THE LESSER HALF aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

[ADMIN NOTE: At midnight on October 20, we're going to take VSB offline until next week while we finish handling all of the site issues we seem to be having. Most people seem to not be suffering from random f*ckery due to our site being hacked but enough are that we need to go offline to fix them. We'll be back on Monday. Thanks for sleepwalking with the kids and sorry for any inconvenience. Posse out.]

Herman Cain: Uncle Ruckus or The Realest Motherf*cker Alive?

There are numerous things I actively do (and don’t do) to avoid potentially and unnecessarily violent confrontation. While others honk at and flip off motorists who’ve upset them, I smirk, shake my head, and take solace in the fact that my car would literally f*ck their car up if I wanted it to. I don’t date women with accent marks or hyphens in their names. And, if your nightclub has undergone three name changes in the past two years, you probably won’t find me there.

Why do I go through these lengths? Well, one of my goals in life is to be a 60 year old black man. And, from what I understand, it’s very difficult to be a 60 year old black man if you get shot to death before you reach 60, so I try to live in a way that decreases the likelihood of that happening.

Now, 60 isn’t an arbitrary age. It’s important for me to get to that point because I want to shake hands with a Martian (I figure we’re around 30 years from making that happen) and, more importantly, I want to enjoy the same filterlessness that my dad currently does.

As anyone who has a 60+ father, uncle, or grandfather in their lives will tell you, 60 is the age when men (black men in particular) lose their filters and any sense of self-consciousness and will say anything they want to about anybody at any time. I desperately want to make it there too. I literally cannot wait for the day when I’ll be able say things like “Does your mother know that she raised an idiot?” to a city council man’s face and be able to get away with it.

Anyway, this filterlessness makes for entertaining conversations. So, you can imagine what I was expecting to hear the other night when I asked for his opinion about Herman Cain.

His answer — “Well, I have to say that he hasn’t said or done anything really stupid yet” — stuck with me for two reasons

A) The bar for politicians is so low that “Well, at least he’s not an idiot” is a ringing endorsement. Seriously, can you imagine if other industries had the same low expectations? Can you imagine seeing a Chick-fil-A ad that says “Well, at least you won’t get Salmonella“?

B) My dad, a revolutionary who occasionally rocks black berets and still says things like “solid on down,” isn’t turned off by Herman Cain

My mom — who’s not quite as revolutionary as my dad, but possesses the most potent bullshit detector on Earth — entered the room soon after. I asked for her opinion, and she basically said the same thing.

Now, I realize that this could just be some type of mandatory kinship speaking — a mandate from high (or Morgan Freeman perhaps) that when any black person 60 or over is doing anything remotely positive, every other 60+ black person must immediately give them the benefit of the doubt. But, the feelings from my Black Panther-ass parents made me rethink my own thoughts about Cain and why I possess them.

I have to admit, I hadn’t even considered giving dude an honest chance. Part of it has to do with his name (“Herman” is just a silly f*cking name to me. It feels like something someone should name a dog.), but the main reason why he was thrown in the “Don’t even consider this n*gga” pile is that The Tea Party people — you know, those cats who generally seem to abhor us and think the president is from Jupiter — seem to love him, never a good sign. Also, with the exception of Colin Powell and (maybe) Condi Rice, every black republican I can think of just seems to have a general aura of lame around them. It’s like they’re perpetually engulfed in a spiderweb of wackness.

Cain may very well be the Antichrist. But, it’s not fair to him for me to immediately assume that he’s the spawn of Satan just because he’s black and he happens to belong to the 2011 GOP, and it’s not fair to me to be so intellectually apathetic when deciding on a leader. There’s absolutely no chance in hell that I’d actually vote for him (Seriously. If you’re a close friend of mine and you don’t vote for Obama in 2012, you might no longer be a close friend of mine. Yes, it’s that serious.), but I can at least listen to what he has to say.

I mean, he is a 65 year old black man.  That guarantees that he’ll at least be entertaining.

Anyway, people of VSB.com, I’m curious: What are your feelings about Herman Cain? Is he Uncle Ruckus, another republican reactionary, or the realest motherf*cker alive?

Also, did the fact that he’s a black republican influence your opinion about him before you even heard what he had to say?

—The Champ

I Think Mother Nature Might Be A Racist

Only a racist mother nature would create a tree sculpture modeled after a Kanye West fantasy: a white ballerina with blotchy legs.

By now, everybody in America knows that an earthquake hit the East Coast yesterday. The epicenter was about 90 miles away from Washington, DC and tremors could be felt in Cleveland, Detroit, Philadelphia, NYC, and Boston as well as the Carolinas.

Allow me to place my conspiracy theorist hat on.

Placing.

Sadatay.

Now I’m not sure if you’re aware of this or not, but if those areas I named probably contain a solid 60 percent of the Black population of America. I was at work doing my civic duty and being a quality worker bee when my motherf*cking building shook. File cabinets moved. White people investigating tripped over things that tip over when the earth moves. The Blacks were either under desks or halfway home by the time the quake was over. I’m mixed so I was conflicted.

By the way, I’m aware that in West Coast cities you all sneeze at what happened today to us here on the East Coast. And fair enough, it might have been slightly blown out of proportion by the more dramatic media types. But the major difference here is that we are not ready for an earthquake around here. So the entire city of DC basically nutted the f*ck up. I’m pretty sure that nan individual had the slightest idea what to do. Buildings that aren’t supposed to sway…swayed. Basically, it was like a small scale FEMA response to an emergency involving minorities. The city was ensnarled in ridiculous traffic. People lost their minds and freaked out. I used a word like ensnarled.

Oh, mother nature and racism. Now this earthquake alone isn’t nearly evidence that Mother Nature has a problem with the coloreds. But…

…this Sunday is the dedication of the finest monument and memorial  you ever did see. It is the dedication of the Morehouse Man of the Millenium Memorial on the National Mall; the monument that shuts down every possible argument about which HBCU has made the most substantial contribution to mankind. Yes, this Sunday (and all week here in DC) people are coming to and fro to view the greatness that is the Dr. Martin Luther Tha King, Jr’s greatness. No Kanye.

And who but who is supposed to be raining on our parade of Blackness?

Motherf*cking Irene. First there was a fish named Wanda. Now we’ve got a hurricane named Irene making her way up the Eastern Seaboard threatening to ruin the third most significant day in Blackness behind inauguration and the day we found out the DC Snipers were Black.

An earthquake AND a potential hurricane…in DC…in the SAME week that Dr. Kang is supposed to be commemorated for the world to see?

Spade.

THEN…to make that even more f*cked up, random and various sources are rumoring that Will and Jada are breaking up. Black love, the strongest natural fore on the planet is being attacked…AGAIN!!!! Of course, Will and Jada have denied such reports but what are they supposed to do? You deny until you are ready to say sh*t on your own terms. Granted I have no idea if they’re breaking up or not…but again…

Earthquate.

Hurricane.

WILL AND JADA SEPARATE?

That’s three natural disasters directly affecting the Black community in the course of one week. So what that Irene is losing steam…what if that ho comes back???? My weatherman who is NEVER right is the one who said that Irene is on the way out. This f*cker said we’d only get 5 inches of snow all last winter and I think it was the snowiest winter on record ever in DC.

You might ask yourself why I continue to listen to a weatherman who never gets the weather right. That would be a good question that I do not have an answer to. He’s funny.

Speaking of racism…I hear that the creator of that Nivea ad that got pulled was a Black guy. Le sigh. That’s like that scene from Fighting Temptations when Cuba Gooding’s character figured out how to market malt liquor to the hood…only the exact opposite. I swear, I wonder sometimes if white execs are like, “it can’t be racist, a Black guy made it!!!” Can’t lie, that would be my defense if I was white too.

Anyway, do we have a case here? Is it possible that Mother Nature is trying to sabotage the King Memorial?? Is Mother Nature the man??

Is Mother Nature racist?!?!?!

Talk to me!

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Angry Ninja Rhetoric and Best Practices

Take the exact opposite of every characteristic of this man in this picture and you've got an angry ninja. He did marry a white woman though.

If you know Black people that read, then you know an angry ninja. Chances are you’re looking at one right now…assuming you know that you’re looking at a ninja. But if you are, and they are angry, I’d suggest that you stop.

Because they’re angry.

Now, let me be upfront and clear about this. Every Black person has a right to be angry. And hostile. I watched The Rise Of The Planet of The Apes and got upset. That’s not true, but if I was an angry ninja, then it would be. Because angry ninjas are really just extremely loud versions of conspiracy theorists. The main difference is that instead of just stating what the conspiracy is, they also get mad at you while telling you what it is. Somehow everybody is at fault when an angry ninja is present. And there’s ALWAYS something to be mad about. It’s like the reverse Obama with a side of Al Sharpton.

And no, that didn’t make any sense.

You might be asking yourself: are angry ninjas dangerous? Absolutely. They pose a tremendous danger to peace and quiet. And your good time. While they can be tremendously fun, the angry ninja is much like the puma. Sleek and stealthy, and if you aren’t careful, they’ll end up getting their own shoe.

To be more clearer, I’m a fan of angry ninjas. Truth is, they bring that necessary amount of chaos to any and all conversations that keeps the mood interesting and all your Christmases bright. Though I’m not completely sure angry ninjas believe in Christmas. They tend to get mad at how much they have to spend supporting the white man’s businesses.

“You there, in the Huey Newton Goes To Malibu High t-shirt, do you have a question?”

“Yes, what are the signs of an angry ninja?”

“Glad you asked.”

1. They start every convesation with a hesitant but climactically built up…”Yooo…” or a very quick and shart…”Yo!” (no Kappa)

Real talk, that’s how you know you’re about to get an earful about something you didn’t know you were supposed to give a sh*t about. See, starting any convo off with a “Yo” means that something of immense importance is about to follow. Why? Good question. It’s an indicator of something that’s been on the angry ninjas mind. They just haven’t had the chance to explore it with you yet. Be careful, you’re about to get hit with the hee.

2. “F*ck you ni**a, I got passion!”

You ever notice how extra angry folks aren’t really angry…they’re just passionate? You could take the passion of the Christ, thug passion, passion fruit, throw in a side of mango and you STILL wouldn’t have as much “passion” as an angry ninja. They get so emotionally invested in whatever it is that pissed them off (usually something to do with the oppressive power structure…or something they saw in a Disney movie) and how the rest of us don’t care enough (which in a bit of non-irony, tends to make angry ninjas more angry if you blow their tirade off) that you could probably incite one into a felony if you push the right buttons. The interesting part is, a lot, if not most of that anger is misguided…

…in fact….

3. The most oddball beefs

You know, I actually applaud the angry ninjas efforts in racial reconciliation and reparatory comeuppance. If only these jokers didn’t get up in arms about the most non-sensical of sh*t. Like that article a few months ago written by the white chick about Black Twitter. Angry ninjas were LIVID that this white woman would have any say so about what us Blacks were doing on Twitter and how amused she seemed to be by it. Here’s the thing…WE’RE ALL AMUSED BY IT TOO. But she ain’t have the right to say it because she didn’t have proper context because she was white. Fair enough….except…my ni**a…THAT’s the battle you chose to fight? ‘Pac is gone and Brenda’s still throwing babies in the garbage. I’m not really sure what topics always set off angry Black people, but rarely do they have anything to do with something you’ll care about ten minutes later…like the economy.

4. Not angry, opinionated.

Similar to passion and equally ridiculous. This one, (like most of this in truth) is a general person thing. Folks who are mad but who don’t want to be know as being mad hate to be called mad. They’re just passionate, opinionated people. Okay. Alright.

5. Seem to be attracted to the very people they hate the most, in theory

Is it me, but has anybody else noticed how many angry Black people marry white people? Or date them…almost exclusively? Or how about date the most ignant sumamab*tches known to man? The people who incite the most rage are the very ones angry ninjas spend most of their time with. It is an odd little dance. Angry ninjas do the cat daddy.

Again, I love my angry ninjas.

Good people of VSB, what are the other signs of of the angry ninja?

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka MR. AFTER LAUGHTER COMES TEARS aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3