The Nudie Trinity

Today at VSB, we’re relinquishing the podium to a new name on the street, the blogless wonder and 3q97wvhomey Sasha Elaine. After a spirited debate about nude pics, I told her she should just write a post about them. Lo and behold she did. Heeeeeeeeeere we go. Welcome to the floor, Sasha Elaine!

Every few months there is a Twitter debate about nude photos. Men and women, Deloitte employees and the ratchet alike (although the two aren’t mutually exclusive), discuss what I call the Nudie Trinity:

§  Should women send men naked photos?

§  Do women appreciate unsolicited penis pictures?

§  Are women who send nude photos putting themselves at risk to never becoming FLOTUS?

Honestly, we could settle this all by having a panel sponsored by Dark N Lovely featuring Cornel West and never have this convo again. But right now I still think those folks are talking about the Black women and marriage crisis, so until they’re off that…

Ladies, in most cases*, it makes little to no sensefor you to send someone a photo of yourself entangled in sheets while you’re biting on your index finger, freshly coated in a zebra and glitter design you borrowed from a YouTube tutorial.

One of three things could happen:

1.       You take an AMAZING photo that makes you look like a cross between Stacey Dash and Nicole Behari with a pinch of Gabrielle Union. What does any self-respecting man do with a banging photo of a Dash/Behari/Union mashup? SHOW EVERYONE, DUH! And you know, with GroupMe, Twitter, mass text messaging apps, Google Hangouts, and the NSA (I KNEW Scandal was real life!!), it’s not a good look. There’s nothing awesome about showing up at a happy hour, meeting a man who says “You look familiar… wait do you have a strawberry on your inner left thigh? I knew that was you!” Not like that has happened to me before. (Panama Note: Ain’t nan’ man gon’ show pics of his woman. He may, however, show pics to folks of women he’s just smashing that he doesn’t care about. Chances are, he won’t even share pics of exes. The private stash is real.)

2.       You take a HORRIBLE photo that makes you look like you just returned from Coachella, extremely sleep-deprived with raccoon eyes. What does any self-respecting individual do with a photo of a nude zombie who thinks she’s sexy? MAKE IT A MEME AND SHOW EVERYONE, DUH! The next thing you know, your photo has made its way to BuzzFeed or at the very least the inbox of every Que in the Chi Zeta Lambda Eta chapter. You’re officially known as the “#RememberThatGirlThatReggieWasSmashingWhoseEyesWereCrossedInThatOnePhoto” Girl. (Panama Note: Ladies, I’m not completely sure what a horrible nude photo looks like. If you think you have one, send it on so that I can see what this actually looks like. Ktxbi.)

3.       You take an AVERAGE photo, and well… then you’re the girl who took an average nude photo. Who wants to look average when they’re naked? And wasn’t the purpose to turn him (or her) on? Still a loss. (Panama Note: This is almost never the case. I can’t ever remember a man saying, “awww, shucks…she just sent me an average picture of her boobs…I could have had a V8.” Women always need V8. I’m not even sure men drink that sh*t. We’re just happy we got a boob shot.)

For the fellas… who told you that women enjoyed pics of a lonely, (typically) erect penis? Who was the first man to do this? Who started it? Interestingly enough, most men are under the impression that a penis alone is enough to get a woman’s jets going. For some reason, men rarely send full body naked photos. Just the penis. Here’s my real question: what’s the expected response? “Ooh, I’m on my way over. Keep it up! Literally!” Guys, when you send a naked photo, women are forced to awkwardly reply:

1.       Please don’t send me your genitalia.

2.       Oh… ok. That’s what’s up.

3.       What’s that?

*Note: It’s probably ok to send your husband/wife a naked photo. If word gets out that you sent your hubby a photo, then… your nickname will be “ReggiesAmazingWife”.

So what do you think? Is it ever a good idea to send a naked pic? Is it not that big a deal? Have any fun stories re nudie photos? Where do you stand on the nude selfie?

-Sasha Elaine