narrator: “young, wealthy, and insanely attractive, 29 year old dallas-area astronaut/monkey neurosurgeon kimberly robinson seems to be living the american dream. with an oxford education, a downtown condo, a brand new benz, and a pussy like hawaiian sunshine, she is, what rapper ‘the dream’ would call, “da shit“.
***insert footage of kimberly playing baseball with sick monkeys in diapers, salsa dancing, cheering for the dallas cowboys, making pepper for homeless women, leaving wet spots on random chairs, and rocking manolos while walking on the moon***
narrator: “but, despite her attributes, kimberly is single as the fuck. her singledom is so apparent that her NASA office mates have begun calling her “dollar bill”. in fact, kimberly is so single that she hasn’t even been on a date since her high school homecoming dance.”
kimberly (whose voice is a little deeper that you probably imagined it to be): “and that was with my dad, so it doesn’t even really count”
narrator: “kimberly’s sad singleness may seem odd, but for professional black women, this relentless loneliness is increasingly common“
***insert footage of random black women walking to work in unusually well-tailored business suits***
***insert footage of random cats doing cat things***
kimberly: “the other day, i did a random poll of the 25 to 35 year old women in my building. none of the black women had rings on their fingers, but 90 percent of the white women did. shit, even the mexican receptionist has a ring, and that bitch doesn’t even have any hands!!”
***cut to a shot of a handless and smiling mexican woman sharing a ceaser salad with what looks to be her husband***
narrator: “so, why is kimberly single? well, for starters, she can occasionally be an arrogant, aloof, and entitled asshole. but, her arrogance, aloofness, and entitlement issues aside, once you take out all of the black men in prison (5%), unemployed (8%), under 5’11 (41%), dating limbless mexicans (2%) kind of gay (11%), kappa’s (3%), or just plain wack (15%) that leaves only 15 percent of eligible black men to choose from”
cut to a shot of an incredulous kimberly: “and, unless its steve nash, i aint doing the pink meat. not now, not ever”
narrator: “we invited kimberly and three of her single, successful, and somewhat, but not really all that attractive girlfriends to our offices for a conversation with ex welterweight champion jake jenkins and poet/activist/actor/horticulturalist street chancer.
jenkins, author of the best-selling “settle, bitches: why ya’ll siddity bitches need to just stop playin“, had some poignant advice for the young ladies”
***cut to a full-shot of jenkins and his ridiculously well-coordinated easter-pink zoot suit***
jenkins: “what ya’ll bitches need to understand is that a man is like a ford f-150. sometimes you gotta take it to the shop for repairs, sometimes you just gotta get in there and change the tire yourself, and sometimes you just need to hop in the back of the trailer butt naked and fry a turkey.”
***cut to a shot of the ladies nodding their heads and taking notes***
jenkins: “like i used to tell my 4th wife: you can’t hard boil a grown-ass man. you just can’t do it. i aint no egg, bitch”
narrator: “chancer, whose book of annoyingly genteel and effete essays ‘the consultation’ recently made amazon kindle’s “best buy for a neutered guy“ list, also had something to say to the women”
***cut to a shot of chancer, dressed exactly how you think someone named “street chancer” would be dressed***
chancer: “we need to find a way to exorcise the demons lurking in our hearts. there’s so much on our minds that we can’t recline, so we blast holes into the night until she bleeds sunshine”
***cut to a shot of a visibly confused kimberly***
chancer: “breath in, ladies, and inhale vapors from bright stars that shine.”
narrator: “despite everything, kimberly remains optimistic that her, and other princesses like her, will eventually find their frogs”
kimberly (sitting in front of a giant poster of “the princess and the frog’): “it’ll happen one day. in the meantime, i’ll always have my monkeys”
***cut to a final shot of kimberly laughing and eating nachos while bowling with her sick monkeys***
—the champ