better than the alternative

i usually listen to one of my mix cds or my ipod during my 15 minute drive home from work. earlier in the week though, i’d grown tired of listening to “amazing” and “somewhere i belong” on repeat for the 82th time, so i decided to do the unfathomable…listen to the early evening (i occasionally listen to steve harvey in the mornings) urban radio station (WAMO) for the first time in approximately five months.

now, since i don’t listen to the radio or watch videos (i download all of my new music from blackgirl online and other adult message boards. no, seriously, lol. i’m soooo not playing), i wasn’t expecting to be able to immediately recognize most of the songs. what jarred and saddened me was the fact that not only had i never heard any of these songs before…i never even heard of the artists. not. one.

***and i couldnt understand sh*t any of them were saying. i felt like a white person trying to watch “the wire” for the first time***

that 17 minute listen made me feel as if i had aged 17 years overnight, lol, and was one of the many constant and blatantly perceptible signs that im getting old(er).

so, as a service from the verysmartbrothas (and ms. lizzard burr), the champ has decided to give you…

…four unmistakable signs that you’re getting old(er)

1. doing absolutely nothing…and loving it

when you’re young, if you happen to spend a weekend night in the crib, you usually spend the whole time wondering and fantasizing to death about all of the marvelous and slutty things other people your age are doing at the time. by the time i turned 26, i’d mutter “i should have stayed my ass at home” at least once during at least 75 percent of my outings.

now, i make up excuses not to go out.

naw man, i’m good. sportcenter highlights are always better when rece davis is the anchor, and he’s scheduled to appear on tonights show. i can’t miss that sh*t”

2. waking up with random pains

a few saturdays ago as i lazily crawled out of bed, intent on possibly setting the guiness world record for the least-productive 12 hour stretch, my first step on my carpet forced me to let out one of the most bitch-ass chill-emitting screeches that a grown-ass man could muster. no, i didnt step on a dead hooker piece of glass or a nail or anything…it was just my big toe, in about as much excruciating pain as a big toe could muster. what made it even worse (read: “more funny”) was the fact that i had absolutely no idea why my big toe was hurting. none. as far as i could remember it wasnt hurting when i went to bed. plus, i hadn’t done any ass kicking recently, so i definitely hadn’t injured my toe on someones deserving hindparts.

the pain eventually went away (and by “eventually” i mean “three days later“) as mysteriously as it came, like a 2 inch long, dark brown skinned gypsy. thing is, as saddening as it is to wake up with unexplained toe pain, it still pales in comparison to…

3….injuring yourself during sex

i know that intense sex may produce a little bit of pain, soreness, and tenderness, but lets just say that father time is f*cking with you when you say to your lover “you know, i think i might need to get an MRI tomorrow. i think i tore my ACL again” after a particularly heated romp in the sack.

4. liberal, schmeberal aint gonna turn into lashawn barber’s corner anytime soon, but i will admit that i’ve gotten more and more conservative socially as i’ve gotten older. at this point, it actually makes me physically recoil when thinking about my years of misguided militantism and lazily lethargic liberalism.  lets put it this way: the 19 year old champ, after hearing about her politics, would have given amy holmes the riot act and the heave-ho from his sack while the 29 year old champ would give it to her while she had a karl rove halloween mask taped on her back

thats it for now. slightly good people of vsb, what else would you add?

—the champ