its common knowledge that, in regards to monogamous relationships, previously single men usually have to alter their behavior for it to work. since women come out the womb all nice and cuddly and “settled” already, we’re usually the ones who have to “settle down”, and this settling manifests as us “feminizing” our condos or changing our eating habits or deading the “penthouse letters” subscriptions in order to appease the female relationship Gods. whats uncommon knowledge is the fact that women need to change their janky behaviors too.

regardless of your gender, you can’t continue to do single person sh*t (sps) when you’re in a relationship. there are changes you hafta make, changes a bit deeper than “stop f*ckin his uncle” and “try to wear clean drawers everyday”. today, as a joint venture from the verysmartbrothas and the creatures living in the comeback girl’s bed, will identify a couple behaviors each gender should probably alter if they want to keep a happy home and sh*t

men

1. no nightclubs

you show me a “relationship” man that still goes clubbing twice a week and I’ll show you a man that’s hanging for dear life on the edge of the cheating cliff, like a metal-wire water bra on aretha. typically, a man doesn’t go clubbing to “chill with his boys” or to “dance or get drunk” (well, straight men at least). if we’re consistently at the club, and it’s not related to our occupation in some way, it’s to find chicks to bag and bone. that’s it. there’s no other reason. we’re not built to be able to rub up against scantily clad lascivious hoochies and snizzles and just be okay with it. from sports bars and fantasy sports to barbershops and bbq’s, we have tons of other opportunities to bond and sh*t. for men, night clubs ain’t for bonding or chillin. they’re for booty.

oddly enough, strip clubs don’t count. in fact, women should be happy if their man and his boys hit nudie bars instead of nightclubs. unless he’s steve nash, the champ, or flavor flav, there’s pretty much no chance in hell he’ll be able to “bag” one of the strippers, regardless of how much he might think he wants to. sure, ladies, his pockets will be a little lighter and he’ll probably come home with the “SCOO” (strip-club odd odor), but he’ll definitely be coming back home to you that night, and that’s all that should be important.

2. change convos with the enemy

(a relatively harmless random convo between a single man and a woman)

woman: “you know what, I’ve been really horny for some reason recently. It’s like I’ve been fantasizing about every man that I see”

man “word?…damn. expound. what do you mean? explain, please. in detail.”

(a relatively harmless random AIM convo between an attached man and a single woman.)

woman: “you know what, I’ve been really horny for some reason recently. It’s like I’ve been fantasizing about every man that I see”

man: “you’re crazy. did I tell you about this great omelet I made this morning?”

woman: “did you make your omelet with a heated skillet? just asking because i’ve been trying to find a way to incorporate one in the bedroom. did i ever tell you about the time in the greyhound bathroom with the dominican twins…”

a man in a serious, committed relationship needs to quickly figure out one thing: most women are a*sholes that will subtlety mention some “innocent” sexual detail whenever they get an opportunity, just to f*ck with you.

honestly, I don’t think they can even help it. its like they have conferences about this stuff in some secret compartment underneath the stalls of the women’s bathroom at williams sonoma…

(“we’ve just received word from the head office in Columbus, Ohio that the champ is in a relationship now. ladies, from now on, at least once a week while you talk to him, you have to bring up something regarding your vagina. bonus points will be passed out if you mention squirting.”)

even though its “innocent” and you have no intentions on stepping outside of the relationship, the conversations about “horniness”, “horseback riding”, and “lotioning” cannot be co-signed. every response must be either a literal “smh”, followed by “you crazy and sh*t”. that’s it. don’t ask, don’t inquire, don’t even respond with a smiley face, or you’re be sliding down the vaginal wetness induced slippery slope of cheating.

women

1. shut the f*ck up

i don’t mean in general (well, actually I kind of do, lol, but that’s a different topic), but do everything you can to suppress your urge to tell all of your close girlfriends, your mom, your mom’s homegirl janice, ms. anna from the daycare, your stylist, and that cool barista at the corner seattle’s best every intimate detail about you and your man. you’re not single anymore, which means the days of you blabbing your mouth about his wang and his income and that mysterious rash on his ankle are over. give your girls the play-by-play about the cats you’re just dating and that mailman who’s been breaking your back twice a month. once you’re with a dude and actually trying to make things work, exercise those miranda rights. unless they’re plotting to steal your man, your lonely ass girlfriends don’t wanna hear that sh*t anyway

2. stop pretending…

…that all of your platonic guy “friends” don’t want to f*ck you.

when you’re single, its okay to allow yourself to believe this bullsh*t. to me, this intentional ignorance is actually kind of cute and endearing, like a puppy trying to run on a treadmill.

“sure, kimmie, just because he offered to install your new dryer and drive the old one out to the recycling center for you, doesn’t mean he’s into you or anything at all. he’s obviously just a really, really, really nice guy, who had nothing better to do at 6am sunday morning”

once you’re in a relationship though, its time to be real with yourself. continually denying that this exists will do nothing but anger your man, who will wonder if you have something to hide, or if you’re too much of an imbecile to notice it.

that’s it for now. did I miss anything?

—the champ