By now, nearly everybody has heard about Robby Pardlo’s episode of the A&E show, Intervention, where he’s exposed as an alcoholic. In said episode, he admits that part of his unwinding into a raging drunk was because his girlfriend of years, Claudette Ortiz, dumped her for their bandmate Ryan Toby, who she eventually married and apparently cheated on AT LEAST two times (she has 3 kids, two of which aren’t his, but were both born WHILE she was married to him).
Da f*ck? Where dey do dat at?
While I’ve never knowingly had a girlfriend cheat on me with one of my boys, I did have an ex openly ask me if she could pursue something with one of mi hombres after I broke up with her. Me? I said, “sure, go ahead.” I really didn’t give a flying frog f*ck about her at that point and had she been hit by a rhinosaurus driving a Silverado I wouldn’t have given two sh*ts. Mostly because she cheated on me with a dude I DIDN’T know. But I knew she cheated.
I’ve lost my point. Oh John the Rabbit, oh yes. So, the whole time we were dating, apparently she was scheming on my homey though she never pursued until we broke up. And I knew something was up. How’d I know? Well, I’m a beast, I’m a dog, I’m a motherf*cking problem. But more simply, people will tell you everything you need to know. Follow me.
1. They start randomly mentioning your friend out nowhere.
You ever been out with one of your friends and they can’t stop talking about somebody new they know. But even worse, they find odd ways to bring them up. You need an example, don’t you. Cool.
Shaniquilt: I really love what NASA’s got planned for the future of hydrogen-carbide O-rings and staples. What do you think?
Shalulu: Yeah, James was just talking to me yesterday about apples and I was thinking about NASA when he had said…”apples”.
Shaniquilt: Da f*ck?
So imagine that scenario if you and your girl are in the car and you say:
You: Baby I love these Skittles you bought me. They so tart.
Her: James loves Skittles too.
You: Um, yeah. Why’d you bring him up there.
Her: No reason. * whistling *
Sign number one you silly sucka.
2. Not only do they bring them up, they COMPLIMENT them.
If your girl starts doling out compliments to one of your friends all willy nilly, you should definitely give her a stern side-eye and make a mental note of it. Be clear, there is NO reason that you’re girl should be paying THAT much attention to any of your homeboys that she knows what king of cologne smells best on him.
3. They always want to invite your friend to functions.
Beware your gf/bf who ALWAYS wants your homey to be there because “they so funny.” Remember fellas, humor is what charms the drawz off of any woman. Thing is, initially it will seem really benign and actually nice and sweet that they want to hang with your friends but there will come a point where it jus seems odd to invite them – like to the bedroom or ice cream.
Her: I’m tired. You think James wants to come and watch movies with us and then possibly spoon. Don’t you think that would be great? What if he rubbed on my booty too! *shriek* Yay!!!!
4. They find ways to hang out with your buddy without you.
Not sure this needs and explanation, but you should definitely kill them if this happens and any of numbers 1-3 have occurred.
5. You catch them cheating.
Sorry, pal. We’ll see you on A&E’s intervention.
That’s a quick list for you. Good patrons of the VSB, did I miss any signs???
Lay it on me.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3