The Last Thing You’ll Ever Need To Read About Women, Assholes, And Nice Guys

So…

1. Study after study after study after study after study has shown that if given the choice between dating/mating/fighting crime with an “jerk/asshole” or a “nice guy,” (most) women are more likely to be attracted to the “jerk/asshole.”

2. When asked about this, (most) women—while acknowledging that some women do in fact prefer jerk/assholes—say that those studies are false or misleading or agenda-driven or devised by some type of sham science.

Now, I’m not bringing this up to start another “Do (most) women really prefer assholes?” debate. We’ve had that conversation enough times. Instead, I’m more interested in why there’s such a disconnect between these studies and what (most) women will say when prompted.

So far, I’ve thought of four possible reasons

1. The studies are in fact misleading and agenda driven. You could devise a study and create stats to back up any half-assed theory you can think of, and the women/asshole studies are just another example of that.

2. There’s a disconnect between how (many) women want to be perceived, and how they actually are.

3. If this “truth” is admitted, more men will actively attempt to be assholes to be attractive to women. Women do not want this to happen.

4. There’s really no clear definition on how “asshole/jerk” is defined in a dating and relationship context. When you add the fact that it’s possible for a man to be an ass everywhere except with his mate, it makes things even more ambiguous.

Anyway, those are my theories. What are yours?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) 

Dear Champ (Vol. 4): “Is it possible sleep your way into a man’s heart?”

Dear Champ: I’ve been casually dating this guy for a few months now, and I’m beginning to develop feelings for him. Ok. I’m lying. We haven’t been “dating” really, just having sex once a week or so. Yes. We are the dreaded f-buddies. Anyway, my feelings for him have grown, and I want to know if it’s possible sleep your way into a man’s heart?

This question recalls a pretty colorful conversation I had several years ago with a couple of high school kids. We were discussing the idea of college, and although they were both college-bound, they argued that a college degree wasn’t a prerequisite for success; citing the careers of people such as Bill Gates, Naomi Campbell, and Wiz Khalifa as prime examples. (Yes, I do realize that this was probably the only time in recorded history that Bill Gates, Naomi Campbell, and Wiz Khalifa were cited in the same argument. Thanks for asking.)

While I conceded that A) college isn’t for everybody (If it was, it would be free.), B) it’s quite possible to be successful without a college degree, and C) having a degree doesn’t ensure success, I told them to think of degrees in basketball terms. Basically, trying to make it without a degree is like shooting a j from half-court. Sure, there’s a chance that you’ll make it, but your odds increase the closer you get to the rim.

To continue the analogy, contested three pointer = college degree, wide open three pointer = master’s/professional degree, foul shot = PhD, and lay-up = being born into the Bush family.

Ok, what was my point? Oh yeah, the “sleeping into a man’s heart” thing.

Anyway, while it’s possible to sleep your way into a man’s heart, it’s also possible to make a half-court jumpshot while blindfolded, covered in honey, and running away from a gang of especially angsty warthogs. Also, for most guys, you’ll probably have to sleep together approximately 600 times before the “heart” thing becomes a consideration. Since you’re having sex once a week or so, at this rate, he’ll completely smitten by June of 2024.

My advice? The f-buddy relationship is an inherently doomed proposition that isn’t for the faint of heart, and it sounds like you need to end this arrangement before you end up busting the windows in his car.

Dear Champ: Why is it so difficult for people to understand the viewpoints of those that have experienced differently than them? After trying to drive my points home in the Nice Guys Finish Last blog, I have never felt so isolated and misunderstood in my life.

Because the idea of a black man having actual dating struggles is the complete antithesis of the prevailing idea that we’re all carefree mandingos with limitless romantic options, I understand why it’s difficult for some — and by “some” I mean “some black women” — to have any type of empathy or sympathy for a black “nice guy” finishing last, especially since their own dating acrimony has been widely publicized, scrutinized, and politicized.

It’s almost like a white guy complaining about racial discrimination and intimidation. Even if he’s completely justified in his claims, it’ll take him getting actually murdered by a clan of Hebrew Isrealities outside of The Gap before anyone actually says “You know what? I think he had a point.

With that being said — and if you are who I suspect you are — there’s a way to give a viewpoint without being preachy, condescending, and antagonistic, and I’ve found that many “misunderstood” people haven’t quite grasped that. Because of that, what could have been empathy ends up being annoyance, and your words and feelings get lost in a self-defeatist haze of “I don’t want people to hear my story. I just want them to feel like sh*t for sh*tting on me.”

Dear Champ: Is there a way to tell if a man is packing heavy equipment or not?

He has a big tool belt? I don’t know. I mean, from my vantage point, it seems like women run the option gamut when trying to figure this out, using pretty much anything from “hand size” to “the way he drinks milk” as a concrete indicator of a guy’s equipment.

My personal favorite is their self-fulfilling “confidence” prophecy. Basically, if a confident guy is proven to be blessed, he’s genuinely confident because of his blessings. On the other hand, if a confident guy is proven to be, um, cursed, he’s overcompensating for his shortcomings.

Basically, everybody is wrong about everything, all of the time. (and by “everybody is” I mean “women are”)

Dear Champ: I’m a newly single, attractive 36 yr old woman with 3 children. I recently separated from my husband after 18 yrs of marriage. I’m not looking for a relationship now, but I’m interested in dating. How do I go about meeting handsome, nice, respectable, and available men?

A couple games into my freshman year, we played the University of Kentucky on our home court. This also happened to be one of the years that Kentucky won the national championship. Now, although we weren’t exactly slouches, we weren’t on Kentucky’s level, and it showed. We kept the game somewhat competitive in the first half, but their size and talent just proved to much for us to handle, and we ended up losing by 30 points.

Predictably, when we had our film session the next day, our coach was pretty upset with us. But, midway through the film session, he stopped the tape, hit the eject button and said “You know what, guys? I can’t bullsh*t you all anymore. That team has five guys that are going to play in the NBA, and they’ll probably win the national championship this year. You guys gave a great effort…but they’re just much, much better than us. There’s no shame in that.”

I’m telling this story because it would be a disservice for me to gas your head up with some pseudo inspirational “Just get back on the horse, and things will take care of itself” type of speech, ignoring the fact that your baggage — your martial situation (not yet divorced), relative inexperience with dating, and kids (I know kids aren’t supposed to be referred to as “baggage,” but in the dating sense they’ll be considered us such) — is probably going to make things difficult for you. This doesn’t mean that dating will be hopeless. There are available and worthy men out there, but you just might have to do a bit more work — online dating, attending events out of your usual comfort zone, etc. — to find them.

With that being said, I have two things I want to add

1. Wait until the divorce is final before you start thinking about getting back out there.

2. Wait until the divorce is final before you start thinking about getting back out there, and then wait another three months.

Half of your life has been spent being a wife and mother, and since it probably wouldn’t be a stretch to assume that this is how you’ve defined yourself, I’d advise you to take this time to learn a bit more about yourself. Travel if you’re able to. Get a few new hobbies. Hit the gym. Go back to school. But, don’t run out and try to fill your “void” with TNAN (The Next Available N*gga).

I’m also suggesting to wait a bit before you get back out there because I’m assuming that since you got married at such a young age, you probably didn’t experience the same opportunity to be young and carefree as most others. And, people in these types of “delayed youth” situations tend to act out –and act irresponsibility — when they finally get the opportunity to, something your responsibilities and (assumed) dating nativity don’t really allow you to do.

Relax and take a few deep breaths before you decide to get in the pool. The water can be quite cold, and I’d hate to see you drown because the shock wouldn’t allow you to swim.

*You can contact Dear Champ at Formspring.me/AskChamp and contact@verysmartbrothas.com*

—The Champ

The Not-So Great Race: 6 possible reasons why nice guys (seem to) finish last

Last weekend, after 14 straight days of listening to nothing but “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy” in my truck (I’ve listened to “Hell of a Life” so many times that my girl’s now convinced I’m going to leave her for Lauren N. Woods), I reached into my armrest and blindly pulled out a cd; not caring what the hell I picked as long as it was something different.

I landed on 88-Keys’s “The Death of Adam” , a concept album telling the story of a young man (“Adam”) and his dating difficulties. From courtship to catching an std, each track wittily, humorously, and sometimes bitterly revolves around a different relationship related issue. (Also, if I were 88-Keys, I’d re-release the album next month. But, instead of calling it “The Death of Adam”, I’d re-title it “Wait, my album is 5 times better than B.O.B.’s. Where’s my f*cking Adidas commercial?“)

Track two, “Nice Guys Finish Last”, is particularly insightful, as Keys raps about courtship and chivalry while an uncredited voice sings “Be nice to her” in the background.

“…go the extra mile dog, open the door for her

that’s more points all on your scoreboard

and you can give her hard wood like a floor board…”

It’s no accident that Keys follows “Nice Guys Finish Last” with “The Friends Zone”, a song spelling out exactly what many men feel is the end result of being too nice and too accommodating to a woman. Whether 88-Keys is 100 percent accurate in this assertion is inconsequential; what matters is the fact that many men (and women) truly do feel that nice guys finish last, and these songs resonate because of this common belief.

From our books and our blogs to our cds and our conversations, the idea that nice guys are near the bottom of the sexual totem pole is deeply embedded in our culture. But, although I do think that too nice guys probably do have more dating difficulties than, um, “not too nice” guys, I wonder how much of this feeling is just perception and self-fulfilling prophecy. To expound, what exactly do nice guys do (or not do) that gives them (and us) the idea that they’re destined for desert d*ck? And, do the nice guys who have dating difficulties have them because they’re “nice”, or are they subtly self-sabotaging themselves and using niceness as a scapegoat?

***Note: This post isn’t addressing “nice” guys in general, but nice guys who always seem to struggle with romance***

1. They tend to fight outside of their weight class

While I wouldn’t just come out and tell someone they’re pursuing women so far out of their league that the only realistic endpoint options are “friend’s zone” and “restraining order”, a problem I’ve seen with many self-proclaimed nice guys is that they pursue women so far out of their league that the only realistic endpoint options are “friends zone” and “restraining order”.

Thing is, while “out of his league” is usually cited when referring to aesthetically belligerent men attempting to holler at Beharies, in this context, “out of his league” describes what happens when a relatively inexperienced and sexually naive man puts all his eggs in a “she’s a bit too grown for you, dog” basket. They’re just not ready for the type of woman they’re interested in.

Basically, they’re flyweights (unsuccessfully) trying to get in the ring with heavyweights, not realizing that not being allowed to fight is actually for his own safety.

2. They tend to overestimate what everyone else is doing, and they blame what they’re not doing on their “niceness”

This isn’t just a nice guy issue, by the way. Even in yesterday’s entry, there were a few comments from women who assumed that pretty much every 25 to 30 year old man had at least 25 to 30 sexual partners; not realizing that only a small percentage of men reach those types of numbers.

Nice guys tend to take this to an extreme, though, occasionally adopting a self-defeating mindset based on the assumption that everyone is experiencing all these orgasmic experiences except for them; a blue-balls breeding state of mind that usually leads to bitterness and pay porn site subscriptions.

3. They waste too much time with people clearly not interested in them

Getting caught in the friend’s zone and staying there is (somewhat) acceptable when you’re still in high school or college. You’re young, (relatively) inexperienced, and you sometimes can’t help but get caught up if circumstance dictates that you’ll see many of the same people over and over again.

But, once you’ve graduated—or, if you’re a black male, “once you’ve dropped-out“—there’s no excuse to spend an entire weekend rubbing the shoulders and combing the scalp of some janky chick you’ve developed an unreciprocated infatuation for; watching her walk around her apartment in her pajamas while you blue-ball yourself with the distant hope that, one day, she might let you sniff her panties.

4.They don’t establish themselves as sexual beings

While it’s probably not the best idea to just pull out your wang and place it on the bar stool as soon as you meet someone, a subtle difference separating most “nice guys who struggle with dating” and “guy who have sex with women” is the fact that the guys who have sex with women don’t hide the fact that they’re interested in having sex with women. It’s not necessarily an overt acknowledgment either, as much as it’s just them letting a woman immediately know that they’re not really that interested in just being “cool”.

5. They tend to fall in love with ideas instead of actual people

Full disclosure: A decade or so ago, I was completely infatuated with a “friend” of mine, so infatuated that I actually did each of the four things I just listed. (Yes, even the weekend shoulder rubbing. I was still in college, though, so you can’t hold this against me)

Thing is, a couple pointed conversations and timely events made me realize that I was more into the idea of her possibly being into me than I was into her. I didn’t want her, I just wanted someone like her to want me; a state of mind leaving me stuck on a mental and emotional investment for someone I really wasn’t even all that attracted to. Basically, I wanted–needed— her to validate me. And, as you can imagine, she wasn’t particularly interested in doing that.

After talking to a couple “nice guy” friends of mine, it seems like they tend to get caught up in the same predicament; so focused on potential and possible progress that they lose sight of actual people and personalities.

6. They have a faulty definition of “finishing”

Put it this way: If you call yourself a nice guy, and you’re sore that you’re not able to perpetually procure random panties, maybe you’re not as nice as you claim to be.

—The Champ