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Why The 2012-2013 NBA Season Might Be The Best NBA Season You’ve Ever Seen

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The first NBA game I remember watching was a Sixers game in the spring of 1986. I forgot exactly who they were playing, but I recall (well, I think I recall) Dr. J hitting a buzzer beater to win. I also recall getting a spanking (my last ever, btw) that day for peeing in the front yard. It was a memorable day, I guess.

In the 26 years since, I’ve watched thousands of NBA games. If you include the playoffs, that number is probably somewhere between 2000 and 2500. Basically, I’ve been a diehard NBA fan longer than many of you reading this have been alive.

I’m bringing this up to provide background and credibleness (I know I could have used “credibility” there, but credibleness just felt better) to make my (eventual) point.

We enter the 2012-2013 NBA season with each of the following things being true:

—More than any other recent season, 2012-2013 should serve as an example of why the competitive dynamics unique to basketball in general and the NBA in particular work.

Due to the length of the season, the amount of possession in each game, the series format of the playoffs, and (most importantly) the fact that it’s the only major sport where your best player can affect the entire game for the entire game — each things that increase the probability that the best team will eventually win — the NBA is a true meritocracy. It’s not that the best players are usually on the best teams. The best teams are the best teams because they just happen to have one (or more) of the best players. This means that you have a general idea in November of who will be the four or five best teams in May. Actually, “general idea” isn’t strong enough. You just f*cking know who is going to be good and who won’t. Because of this, it does not have the “any-given-Sunday-ness” of the NFL or the perceived anarchy of the NCAA tournament.

As you’ve probably guessed, I love the fact that it’s split into clearly defined tiers of “legitimate shot,” “competitive, but no legitimate shot this year,” and “no f*cking chance.” Thing is…you love it too. Yes, you do. Stop trying to deny it.

As much as (some) people gripe about the NBA having no parity, more people are interested in it when there are “super” teams with narratives and superstars with story arcs. Aside from diehard fans (read: people like me) no one is interested in the NBA when it has an NFL-esque competitive balance.

How do I know this? Well, in the few seasons when you did have legitimate parity (ie; 2005 when the Spurs beat the Pistons in the Finals or the entire 70′s — 10 years, 9 different champions), nobody f*cking watched or cared! Nobody! But, when you have teams like Jordan’s Bulls or Magic’s Lakers or Bird’s Celtics or even Shaq’s Lakers, you motherf*ckers watch. And, in a year where you have four “super” teams with a legitimate shot at a title (Heat, Lakers, Thunder, and Celtics), you’re going to see another interest/ratings boon.

—There’s a fifth team (Spurs) that was the best team in the league last season until the last three weeks of the playoffs. They’re returning their entire team, btw.

—Aside from the six teams already mentioned, there are at least 15 others that could either be considered “legitimately good” or “legitimately interesting.” The Knicks are neither, and that’s a legitimately interesting fact in itself.

—Speaking of the Knicks, they enter the season as the oldest team in NBA history, a fact that’s almost as interesting as the fact that the Timberwolves enter the season as the Whitest NBA team in 30 years. I think this matters.

—There is a NBA basketball team in Brooklyn. A basketball team that might actually not be not good. I think this matters too.

—Between Lebron, Wade, Bosh, Ray Allen, Kobe, Nash, Dwight Howard, Metta, Chris Paul, Blake Griffin, Kevin Garnett, Rondo, Paul Pierce, Durant, Westbrook, James Harden, Derrick Rose, Dirk, Melo, Jason Kidd, Duncan, Tony Parker, and Jeremy Lin, the season begins with more “name” players (in this sense, a “name” player is someone who can appear in a commercial without the commercial’s script needing to say “Hey, professional basketball player Blake Griffin of the Los Angeles Clippers, what are you doing in my car?“) than every other major sports league combined.

***This list doesn’t even include fringe name people (Amare, Gasol, etc), perennial all-stars who lack the status/charisma to ever be a name person (Deron Williams, Joe Johnson, Al Horford, etc), average NBA players who are fringe name people in pop culture circles because of women they’ve f*cked (Matt Barnes, Kris Humphries, Daniel Gibson, etc), soon-to-be name people (Kevin Love, Ricky Rubio, Anthony Davis, etc), and people who everyone assumed would be a name person by now (John Wall, John Wall, John Wall, etc)***

—Speaking of “soon-to-be name” people, this season will give me the chance to continue to gloat about the fact that I purchased, assembled, and manned the wheel of the “Kyrie Irving will be a superstar” bandwagon two years ago. (No, I will never tire of reminding everyone that I called that shit was he was still in high school. Thanks for asking, though.)

—One top 10 all-time player (Kobe) has a chance — if everything goes the way it could potentially go for him — to move into the “Best career of all-time” conversation, while another top 15 all-time player (Lebron) has a chance — if everything goes the way it could potentially go for him — to continue his path towards being included in the “Best player of all-time” conversation.

(The difference between the “Best career” and “Best player” conversations? If you look at his total career — rings, records, longevity, etc — Kobe is already one of the four or five most accomplished NBA players of all-time, and will continue to climb up that chart. But, I’ve seen Magic, Bird, Jordan, Hakeem, Shaq, Duncan, and Lebron at their absolute apexes. And, a peak/prime Kobe just wasn’t better than any of those guys. This is not an insult, btw. There are worst things in the world than being the 7th or 8th best basketball player the Earth has seen in the last 30 years. If you disagree, fine. But, just know that you’re wrong. )

—Lastly, this season will allow me to continue to develop my theory about the main difference between a peak Lebron James and a peak Michael Jordan. (Not interested in making a career comparison between these two. Jordan is unquestionably the greatest player of all-time, and in order for Lebron to be in that conversation, he needs to accomplish much, much more. Just interested in comparing these two at their absolute best and figuring out whose best was/is better and why. For Jordan, this was around 1992/1993. For Lebron, this is now.)

Anyway, Michael Jordan was as close to a perfect basketball player as we’ll ever see. He had the perfect body, build, and temperament. Was extremely fundamentally sound while also being a perfect basketball athlete. He even had close to perfect form and follow through on his jumpshot. From a basketball standpoint, he was basically flawless.

Yet, despite the fact that he was a “perfect” basketball player, he did not play perfect basketball. There were times when you’d watch Jordan play and you’d think to yourself “Hmmm. I know he just dunked on like seven guys, but he probably should have passed it there.” Obviously, the result would still be favorable, but just because a decision turned out well doesn’t mean that it was the right one.

Lebron, on the other hand, is not a perfect basketball player. He is extremely skilled, but he has some conspicuous flaws. His jumpshot — although improved — remains erratic, and his footwork — although also improved — will never be as fluid as someone like Jordan or even Kobe. Also, from an aesthetic standpoint, there are parts of his game that will always leave some fans dry. He doesn’t trick or shake people as much as he overpowers or “outdecisions” them.

But, like Magic and Bird before him, he’s capable of playing perfect basketball. There were entire games in last year’s playoffs where he made the right decision every single time he had the ball. And, while Magic and Bird each had athletic limitations, Lebron has none, allowing him to control the entire game in a way that, really, no one has ever done.

Michael Jordan is still the best basketball player I’ve ever seen, but I’ve never seen anyone play better basketball than what Lebron did last summer. Basically, choosing between who you think is better at their best depends on whether you prefer a perfect basketball player or someone who plays consistently perfect basketball. All things considered, I’d choose Lebron, and I’m looking forward to this season helping to show why.

When you take all of this into account, I have to say that this has the potential to be the single best NBA season I’ve ever seen. And, if you’re my age or younger, it may be the best season you’ve ever seen, too. It’s ok to disagree with me, btw. I won’t hold it against you. Some people seem to enjoy being wrong.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

The Ho’s Uniform: How Ines Sainz Proves “Victim-Blaming” Isn’t Always a Bad Thing

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Tuesday night, I met several friends at William Penn Tavern–a popular Pittsburgh-area sports bar—for their weekly 30 cent wing special. While there, game two of the WNBA Finals happened to showing on the flat screen directly above our table. After making a few perfunctory jokes about the uniforms–Bing is written on Seattle’s jerseys instead of Seattle. No, Seriously. –and the Seattle Storm reserve who bared a slight resemblance to Justin Bieber, the topic shifted to what the WNBA could do to make itself more popular. Although everything from tighter uniforms to a 9 foot rim–so more players could dunk–was suggested¹, we all kept coming back to the same answer: Nothing

Now, this is no indictment on the WNBA. This league contains some of the most skilled and best conditioned athletes (male or female) on the planet, and the playoff games are just as intense and hard-fought as the NBA’s. But, sports culture–the players, the fans, the mythology–is decidedly and intentionally chauvinistic to the point of misogyny¹, and one of the bi products of this dynamic is the fact that, aside from a few exceptions, casual and diehard sports fans (male and female) are just not that into the idea of watching women playing sports.

This brings us to Ines Sainz.

Sainz, a reporter for Mexican television station TV Azteca, was reportedly sexually harrassed by members (players and staff) of the New York Jets last weekend. While the allegations aren’t especially vicious–she was apparently catcalled and whistled at a few times while attempting to interview Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez–I can understand how she might have felt objectified, disrespected, and even scared.

But, from her own words (read the tweets below), she was also dressed like this when at the Jets facility:

For the past few days, I’ve been trying to find a way to craft my thoughts about this situation in the most objective, politically correct and inoffensive way possible. I asked my girlfriend and a few of her friends for their take on this situation. I asked myself how I’d feel if Sainz was my daughter or wife. I even cited her possible cultural naivety–maybe she’s just not aware of how provocative her clothing is.

But, I’m also sure she has at least a peripheral understanding of the dynamics involved with sports culture, and I’m certain she’s aware that of all the major American sports, football is widely considered the most hypermasculine. And, when you enter that culture on their territory with an outfit explicitly suggesting your tits and ass are the only parts of you meant to be taken seriously, it shouldn’t be a big surprise when your tits and ass are the only parts of you taken seriously.

With this in mind, I can’t help but think she just got what she was asking for.

I realize the danger of that statement. Hospitals, court rooms, college dormitories, and graves around the world are filled with rape victims whose perpetrators would have said the exact same thing. For some sexual predators (and enablers), all a woman needs to do to “ask for it” is be born.

But, I think we’ve become so PC on the side of  “a victim is always just a victim” that we’re reluctant to admit that victim-blaming isn’t always a wrong concept. This wasn’t a curvy woman getting harassed while walking to work or even a drunk college girl who was taken advantage of at a frat house. No, she’s a grown and perfectly lucid woman who made the conscious decision to dress in a provocative manner while at one of the most male-dominated, hyper-hetero places of business in the country.

If I get beat up, stabbed, or shot while walking through a known Crip area at night with a Chicago Bulls jersey and two red bandannas around my neck, sure the criminals need to be caught and brought to justice, but that sh*ts on me too. Did I deserve to get assaulted? No. Was my intentionally reckless behavior a major contributor to said assault? Yes. Admitting your personal culpability doesn’t absolve the perpetrators of any blame.

You know, the more I think of Sainz’s situation, the more I think this really had little to do with sex. Or, more specifically, it had little to do with her gender. Type-A, alpha male type of men–the type of men found in spades on NFL rosters and staffs–regularly intimidate, ridicule, mock, taunt, and sexually humiliate other men as a way to assert their status (they wouldn’t be alpha males if they didn’t do this), so it’s no surprise they’d treat an outsider, an outsider with attire suggesting they’re weak, whimsical, and irrelevant, that way. Trust me, they would have been just as quick to tease and taunt an inappropriately dressed man, and they probably would have been even meaner.

Through all of this, I’m not suggesting Sainz’s harassment should be ignored. I’ve shared my feelings about the ills of NFL culture before, and whoever’s responsible for this incident needs to be punished and even suspended. But, there are many other attractive female reporters in NFL locker rooms, women treated with respect and courtesy because they dress and act in a serious manner. And, if Sainz wants to treated professionally, she should probably stop dressing like she belongs to the world’s oldest profession³.

¹There were men and women at this table, btw.
²Sure, most of us would encourage our daughters to join sports teams and be active at a young age, but once you remove that personal connection, the fact reminds that aside from maybe hip-hop, there’s no other major industry that cultivates latent sexism the way sports culture does. The WNBA will always struggle to gain traction with the much coveted 21 to 35 year old diehard single male and 21 to 35 year old casual single female consumer because the things we associate with top athletes—hyper-aggression, cold-bloodedness, feats of physical prowess—are the complete antithesis of what most of us have been socialized to associate with femininity. Also, diehard sports fandom is largely driven by  sexual vicariousness. Basically, while a base part of most diehard male fans wants to be Kevin Garnett and Peyton Manning, a base part of most diehard female sports fans wants to be with them, and I don’t think that same dynamic applies to top female athletes.
³For the record, I know saying she’s dressed like a “ho” is a pretty excessive, but I just thought titling it with the Chappelle line and ending it with the “professional/world’s oldest profession” play on words was cool. #contrivedbutstillcoolwritingdevices

—The Champ

5 Reasons Why The NBA is Better Than The NFL

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I started calling myself “The Champ” in February of 2006, a week or so after the Pittsburgh Steelers won Super Bowl XL. At first it was a bit of tongue-in-cheek homage to a Bill Simmons joke–after he won a fantasy football championship, he started referring to himself as “The Champ” for a year –but the name (obviously) stuck with me.  I didn’t mind though. The Steelers have so permeated my fabric that the idea of permanently adopting a Steeler-based pseudonym seemed (and still seems) perfectly normal.

But, as this NFL season approaches, I’ve come to realize my affection for the black and gold isn’t extended to the league as a whole. Sure, I enjoy watching professional football, but when the Steelers aren’t playing, it doesn’t completely consume me in the way it does much of America. Wait, let me rephrase that. It doesn’t completely consume me in the way the NBA does.

You know, it’s interesting being a diehard NBA fan these days. Despite the fact that everything from the overall talent level to the television ratings has been steadily increasing for the past decade, the league is still faced with a ton of negative (and contradictory) PR¹.

Depending on who you talk to, there’s either too much defense or too much offense, the games are too boring or the games are too filled with highlights, the players are too soft or the players are too thuggish, the league is too Euro or the league is too urban, and usually these pointed complaints are made by people who say they don’t actually watch the games.

Seriously, defending the NBA today is like dating a great woman who everyone thinks has been around, even though nobody has ever actually met anyone she’s been with.

Admittedly, I have a few biases. I’ve made no secret of the fact that I played college basketball. Also, my father (and one of my uncles) played college ball as well, my closest friend coaches pro ball in Europe, and I have a cousin who’s played in the NBA. I’m a stone-cold hoops junkie surrounded by stone-cold hoops junkies.

Biases aside, it’s still easy for me to find 5 reasons why the NBA is just better than the NFL.

1. The players have actual power

In the NFL, the (primarily black) athletes are the working class while the (overwhelmingly white) coaches, management, and ownership serve as the aristocracy. In this dynamic, with the exception of a few white quarterbacks (ie: Favre, Manning, Brady, Brees), the players wield no power. None.

A great example of this general powerlessness is occurring in New York City right now, as grossly underpaid Jets cornerback Darrelle Revis (arguably the best defensive player in football) deserves a lucrative new contract, but the team is under no obligation (or pressure) to appease him. He has no real leverage, and because of this, he’ll probably end up signing a new contract paying him maybe 50% of what his services are worth (as opposed to the current contract paying him 15% of what he’s worth), even though he knows since NFL contracts aren’t guaranteed, they could release him at any point during the contract and not pay him a dime. (They wouldn’t do that, but they could)

Regardless of how you feel about Lebron James and his ill-conceived decision show, you have to admit he took advantage of every ounce of his personal leverage to achieve his desired result. While Lebron’s situation is an extreme example, no other professional athletes are as self-aware as NBA players, and in no other team sport are black professional athletes afforded the same opportunity to take advantage of this self-awareness. They know they’re valuable commodities with a finite window of earning power, and they act accordingly because they have leverage. They have power.

2. The best team always wins the championship

In the National Football League, a team can sneak into the playoffs after winning approximately half of their regular season games, catch a couple of somewhat lucky breaks, and make it all the way to the Super Bowl. With a few more lucky breaks, they can win the Super Bowl. While this unpredictable parity is usually lauded as one of the best things about the NFL, it’s completely unfair, completely wrong, and easily one of my least favorite things about the league. (I’m not the only one who feels this way, btw)

Seriously, imagine if other fields were set up similarly to the NFL (and the NCAA tournament). Think about how unfair school would be if a person who earned D minuses all semester long was able to get an “A” for the year if he just got a couple B pluses on his last two exams.

With its best-of-seven game playoff series format, the NBA ensures that flukey sh*t like this doesn’t occur. It’s the only true meritocracy in sports. The best teams, the teams most deserving of winning, usually win. If you want to win in the NBA playoffs, you have to actually go and get better. You can’t rely on bad weather or lucky breaks to help your cause.

If a team gets hot, catches a few lucky breaks, and beats the favored team, great! Good for you. Now, do it three more times if you want to advance.

3. Bigots hate it

The one infallible lesson we’ve learned in our 400 years in this country is if bigots universally hate something, that something is usually a great thing. From slavery and women’s suffrage to Manhattan and Michelle Obama, this test has never been wrong. Seriously, if you’re ever confused about where you should stand on a controversial topic or issue, just ask the nearest bigot and do the exact opposite of what he suggests and you’ll be right as rain. And, since bigots unanimously hate the NBA (seriously. if you ever want to find out if someone’s a racist, ask him to share his thoughts about the NBA), there’s obviously an inherent super positive quality about professional basketball that NFL stans just haven’t recognized yet.

4. Skill matters

Why is this true? Well, just let me put it this way: Dwyane Wade. Lebron James. Derrick Rose. Nate Robinson. Shannon Brown. Rajon Rondo. These are just a few of the dozens of NBA players who have the athletic chops to be able to retire from the NBA today, and get signed by an NFL team tomorrow.

The number of NFL players who could do the same? Zero

I’m not suggesting NFL players aren’t extremely skilled at their crafts, and I’m not attempting to minimize the amount of energy and work it takes to be a professional football player. But, as any athlete will tell you, it’s much more difficult to make an NBA roster than an NFL team because pro-level basketball is much more difficult to play than pro-level football.

Don’t believe me? Well it can’t be too difficult to make the roster in a sport where this guy..

…is a number one draft pick.

5. Each player matters too

From the otherworldlyness of Ron Artest to the perpetually petulant Kobe Bryant, each NBA player has a unique personality, skill set, and narrative. Even marginal players–like a Rafer Alston or Delonte West–have their own distinct and distinguishable qualities, and each of these characteristics are easily seen by the public.

And, while the NFL tries to sell you on the concept that it’s the only true team sport, the one place where each individual part matters as much as the next, in reality the National Football League is comprised of a few superstars (the aforementioned quarterbacks and a few other marquee players) and a bunch of anonymous and interchangeable drones.

There are no personalities, just 32 mega corporations each headed by 30 to 35 year old white males who rule over a bunch of throwaway parts. This is strongly and sadly evidenced by the very real fact that, as long as it’s people like Chris Henry and Andre Waters dying, nobody seems to care that the NFL is turning its players into mush brained zombies.

Damn, I guess this truly makes the NFL America’s game. But, it doesn’t make it better.

¹My three favorites theories about why the NBA gets so much negative P.R.
A) There hasn’t been a white American basketball superstar since Larry Bird, and the fact that there’s no one for middle America to really root for cultivates a general disinterest with much of (white) America. There are no Mississippi farm boys (Favre), royal families (The Mannings), or superstar heartthrobs (Brady). This isn’t racist. It’s just hard for many to get behind a sport when you feel like you can’t relate to any of the players. In turn, this disinterest eventually turns into distaste.
B) For almost a decade, the best NBA basketball has been played out west. Phoenix, Los Angeles, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio, Denver, and Utah have all had consistently good teams, while New York, New Jersey, Philadelphia, Washington, and (up until 3 years ago) Boston have consistently sucked. Thing is, the majority of the nations important sports media is located in the Northeast. And, since they haven’t had winners in their home cities for the past 10 years, they’ve written and reported with an anti-NBA slant. This actually leads to…
C) Casual NFL fans are more sophisticated than casual NBA fans. Wait, let me rephrase that. Casual NFL fans are more accepting of and willing to learn about football strategy than casual NBA fans are of basketball strategy. For instance, when a star NFL player has difficulties, the announcers point out that “Manning has always had difficulties against the Cover 2. Lets see if he can make adjustments at halftime” and people accept this as truth. When an star NBA player has difficulties, the announcers might point out a certain defensive tactic the other team is using, but the casual fan usually ends up thinking “Damn. Carmelo just isn’t giving any effort tonight. Damn overpaid NBA diva.” And, I think the casual fan’s willingness to give NFL players the benefit of the doubt (and not NBA players) is partially due to media influence. If you hear “NBA players don’t care” enough, you’ll start to believe it.

—The Champ

black “firsts” we won’t be seeing anytime soon

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rapper. record-setter. roach

from the first black president and the first black head football coach at mississippi state university (sylvester croom. this was a really, really big deal when it happened, btw) to the first black woman to win an oscar for best actress and the first black roach to simultaneously impregnate two mulatto sex symbols, the past decade was filled with numerous black firsts many of us thought we’d never see.

despite this continuous progress, there remains more than a few black firsts i doubt we’ll seeing anytime soon. here’s two of them.

openly gay black male in the NBA or NFL

while former nba-er john amaechi came out after his playing days were over and kobe bryant remains a bitch, we’ll see sarah palin on the cover of black tail before we see an openly gay black male pro athlete.

now, i’m sure that there are many currently gay or bisexual black athletes on NBA and NFL rosters. as far as i know, catching punts and catching penises aren’t mutually exclusive. actually, considering the sheer number of men in each league, i’d be more surprised if there weren’t at least a dozen somewhat popular athletes with an extra spare in their tanks, and i’m positive that each of them have a teammate or three who are fully aware of their situation

but, when you combine the prevailing image of the hyperheterosexual black male with the fact that no other american industry capitalizes and depends more on the allure of the ultra-competitive alpha male than professional team sports, you can understand how an openly gay black man would be the complete antithesis of what many (if not most) professional sports fans and participants think sports are all about.

with the ostracization and threats of physical danger he’d probably face, a black male athlete would need balls the size of lincoln, nebraska to come out while he was still playing (and an actual college degree, because his playing days might be over), and i can’t see anyone making that decision

black blockbuster movie

although black actors and actresses have starred in numerous blockbusters, none of the megabucks movies will smith or zoe saldana or denzel washington have been in would qualify as “black movies“…just movies that happened to star will smith or zoe saldana or denzel washington. as much as we –and, in this case “we” means “not me”-- love and support the tyler perry flicks, a 60 million gross (box office +  sales made in barbershops and bodegas) aint sh*t compared to 600.

there are myriad reasons for this (ie: black movies don’t seem to translate well overseas, black movies usually don’t have megabucks marketing campaigns behind them, the IMAX people told hollywood not to produce any multi-million dollar “black” action or science fiction flicks because they dont want n*ggas shooting at those expensive ass screens, etc) but the fact remains that a black movie would have to overcome too many obstacles to reach blockbuster status, and, unless hype williams finally releases belly 2: sincere in africa, i can’t see it happening.

anyway, people of vsb: do you think we’ll see an openly gay black male professional athlete or a black blockbuster in our lifetimes? if so, which do you think would happen first?

also, are their any other black “firsts” we probably won’t see anytime soon?

the carpet is yours

—the champ

ms. masochistic (part 2)

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(***editors note*** as per a request, the champ has decided to extend yesterdays “ms. masochistic” entry, to include a part he originally edited out)

4. sex

there’s no better, no more literal manifestation of the inherent masochism permeating through a typical woman’s dna than the entire bedroom dynamic. for whatever reason, God built us in a way which insures that the pursuit of pain becomes an integral part of every woman’s sexual journey.

need proof? i’ll give you three reasons

a) sex is where pretty much every woman’s first experience produces more nightmares and scenes of gore and unrelenting pain than “ichi the killer“. need more proof? read these comments (especially the ones about “blood caked sheets” and “blacking out”)

b) sex is where terms such as “breaking backs“, “beating it up”, “putting her to sleep”, “hittin skins”, “piping”, “ovary shifting“, “spine spinning”, “breakin her off”, “blazed”, “beat”, “hit“, “pounded”, “crushed”, “destroyed”, and “kilt” are part of our lexicon. never mind the fact that each of these phrases could accurately describe a particularly hard hitting nfl linebacker during a game (well, all except for “ovary shifting”) and also never mind the fact that the violence in sex is decidedly one-sided. we say all we need to say about the bedroom dynamic by the way we describe what happens there. put it this way: you’d never hear these words coming out of a straight guys mouth while bragging to his boys about some chick he slept with last weekend:

“damn, son. tasha came through and straight mangled my joint all up. seriously, she left my wang like one of them big-ass six flags pretzels. had a ni**a walking with a limp for like three days straight, and it still hurts to pee. i need to get me some more of that!!!!

****seriously, just think about how inherently unfair this one-sidedness is. for instance, i’m somewhere between 6’1 and 6’2 and i weigh some where between 205 and 210 pounds. if a 5’2, 120 pound guy challenged me to a fight, i’d probably just knee him in the nose roll my eyes and walk away because it’s against pretty much every societal more to fight someone you outweigh by almost 100 pounds. yet, i’ve slept with women this size and attempted to and succeeded in doing very, ummm, “violent” things to them in the sack, and this is perfectly acceptable behavior. now, don’t get me wrong…i’m not complaining about this one-sidedness. just making a point. carry on.****

c.) sex is where objects resembling elizabethan era torturing apparatuses…

…are seen by women as undeniable sources of pleasure. i’d expound but, well, i kind of enjoy this site not being banned in workspaces and college comp labs across the country, and i’d like to keep it that way.

can somebody explain this to me, or at least give me a reason other than stringent inherent masochism why this occurs? please…take your time, i’m not going anywhere.

no answer still?

still waiting. i’ll be here all day again though. take your time. ask a friend.

—the champ