***before i begin today, i want to thank gemmie, poison ivy st, kamakula, killa k, pgh muse, wudaman, voiceofreason, buboniccalypso, and everyone else who came out for the pittsburgh-area vsb happy hour and brownie-eating contest friday evening. although pgh muse didnt flash any bartenders, we still had a blast and sh*t, and i really appreciated everyone coming out.***
it usually starts the exact same way.
i’ll be on my pc in my bedroom, surfing for p*rn farmers markets, animal shelters, and places to volunteer, when the first barely audible “ooh” is heard. since my comp is near a window, i usually dismiss this as one of the random street sounds (noiseless priuses, j crew ponchos scraping the pavement, asexual shih tzus, drake mixtapes, etc, etc) associated with living in a gentrified neighborhood.
then, the “oohs” slowly crescendo, which, combined with the now sporadic wall thumps and random smacks, create the unmistakably cacophonous evidence of close apartment coitus. the neighbors are definitely doing the nasty, i’ll definitely be their reluctant audience for the next five to thirty-five minutes, and there’s definitely nothing i can do about it…or is there?
today, i’ll attempt to tackle this awkward and common social dilemma with the three best things to do when you know your neighbors are doing the do
1. listen, laugh, and learn
once you get past the initial “damn…they’re really over there f*cking, aint they?” shock, what better option is there then to just listen? despite your efforts to ignore, you’re not gonna be able to not pay attention to it, and since they had the utter audacity to include you in their sunday spine spinning session, be an active audience member.
shut your window. find a glass. rub peroxide on your wall. (not sure if this actually works. just saw macgyver do it once and thought it was cool)
also, what better way to really get to really know your neighbors than to hear them at their most vulnerable (is he a sadist? is she a drama queen? was that a squirt hitting the wall?), and what better comic relief is there than hearing your neighbors bf scream “release the hounds” right before he climaxes¹?
according to the u of shadyside medical journal, there are three normal adult human responses to the sound of lovemaking
a) disgust
b) arousal
c) disgust at your arousal
since its medically proven that you’ll have at least a 66 percent chance of being aroused², why not just pop two birds with one bone?
3. up the ante
my personal favorite, ante upping occurs when the spider-monkeys next-door annoy and arouse you and your significant other so much that you decide to make it you own personal mission to out-coitus them. sh*t, you already have concrete evidence that the walls in your cheap-ass apartment are thin, so why not have a little competition?
be a banshee.
smack her ass and the wall simultaneously.
growl and meow.
use more and more cowbell.
speak in tongues, and, if you can’t speak in tongues, just say sh*t you’d imagine joan rivers would say if she were boned by brian pumper.
i’d continue, but i think my neighbors are at it again, and i’m due for some evening pastor macing.
people of vsb.com, what say you? did i miss anything?
¹no bullsh*t, although i cant really tell if its “release the hounds” or “increase the pounds”
²unless, of course, you’ve seen these neighbors, and these neighbors resemble the construction workers from fraggle rock
—the champ