four completely practical and non-racist reasons why i never have and most likely never will date a white woman

this was so unexpected, jamal. how did you know i always wanted the 'good times' dvd boxset?
this was so unexpected, jamal. how did you know i always wanted the ‘good times’ dvd boxset?

6.  as of monday, november 30th, 2009, i’ve officially filed “since i’m not a billionaire, i don’t think i’d have any chance of getting the benefit of the doubt if any random legal mess occurred” as reason #137 on the champ’s list of “137 completely practical and non-racist reasons why i never have and most likely never will date a white woman

—the last random thought listed in yesterdays ‘six things i’ve thought about tiger woods, elin nordegren, and golfgate’.

although the tone of my writing might occasionally paint a different picture, i actually don’t dislike white women at all, and i really appreciate a few of their unique talents.

they gave us natalie portman and the best teacher i ever had (r.i.p., sister roberta). they also usually make for great senators, copy-editors, and baristas, and no one is better at running “corporate game” (the ability to use office politics and mores to their benefit) than a professional white woman. in fact, some of my best friends have friends who know people who have married them.

despite this, i wasn’t using any hyperbole yesterday when i mentioned having “137 completely practical and non-racist reasons why i never have and most likely never will date one”. although actually having 137 reasons why you havent dated someone of a different race seemingly contradicts the whole “non-racist” thing, this list is comprised of more personal quirks and odd idiosyncrasies than anything else

while time and space and liz prevent me from naming all 137, i’ve decided to share four of them today. Continue reading

guilty as charged

regardless of how unshallow or disdainful of superficiality you might claim to be, we all have our standards of what we deem datable and/or attractive. some of us are more willing to overlook certain things while others aren’t too keen about relaxing their standards, but we all have an image, an archetype of what we’d consider to be ideal.

but then…sometimes it happens.

you can’t explain it, you can’t reason with it, and it doesn’t make sense in your head, but sometimes you find yourself completely enthralled with someone who’s basically completely out of your “attractiveness box”. sometimes they’re the “wrong” race or body build or age, or sometimes you’ve been on the bandwagon so long that you’re scared to jump off and admit that you find them attractive. regardless of the reasoning behind it, they’re your guilty pleasures.

today, as a therapeutic exercise, i’m gonna name a few somewhat famous people who, despite the fact that they dont fit my archetype, still make me want to f*ck the sh*t out of them are extremely attractive to me.

enjoy and sh*t.

vanessa bell calloway

reasons for being a guilty pleasure: she’s like five years younger than my mother and also has a daughter who, in two years or so (just to be safe) would definitely get it, which makes things kind of awkward. with that being said, i could soooo see her as some recent divorcee drinking a rum and coke at some lounge, slightly tipsy and flirty in a “i’m gonna tease the hell out of this young dude…but if he comes correct, who knows?” way, leading to an all-night sexual rendezvous culminating with me waking up in the morning to some fire-ass, exotic ass omelette and a note explaining why i’ll never see her again.

(hmmm, maybe i’ve given this scenario a bit too much thought. moving on…)

cheryl hines (larry david’s wife on “curb your enthusaism”)

reasons for being a guilty pleasure: she talks and walks funny and kind of looks like a duck. regardless of that though, i’ve just always had this feeling that she’d be incredible in bed, and i cant explain why. you’ll just hafta trust me

natalie portman

reasons for being a guilty pleasure: she’s approximately the size of my left thigh, and roughly the same color as my bedroom walls. yet, despite the fact that i think i could realistically break her back while breaking her back, she’s always done it for me…even going back to, gulp, “the professional


reasons for being a guilty pleasure: ive never publically admitted until today that i’ve always been attracted to her, for fear of getting banned from the n*gganet. i fear no more. release your f*cking hounds. i scared of them no more

so, people of, what pop cultural or celebrity figures would be your “guilty pleasures”? people who you’d think you wouldnt be attracted to at all, but, for whatever reason, they just do it for you, or people you’ve been scared to admit in public that you’re attracted to, for fear of getting rocks thrown at you?

we’re all family here….don’t be scurred

—the champ