So God, Beyonce, and Ray Lewis Walk Into A Bar…

Let’s just get this out of the way upfront…Beyonce killed the half-time show.

Oh yeah, and she can sing. I’m not scared of any of you motherf*ckers. Was it the best half-time show of all time? No. But was it dope? Yes. But we’ll get to her relationship to Jesus and the occult later. Hope I remember.

Anyway, it’s the Monday after the Super Bowl which for the East Coast ended about an hour ago due to a 35 minute power outage. Yes, Beyonce had something to do with that. But again, we’ll get to that later.

Congratulations to the Baltimore Ravens. While I definitely felt myself starting to pull for the 49ers at the start of the game I’m happy for Baltimore and their fans. I do have to question some of the play-calling on the part of Loser Harbaugh on the last drive for San Fran, but I don’t get paid millions to get there and win or lose. Naw, I’m just a squirrel trying to get a nut to move your butt.

On to the next one…and all my single ladies.

I was ready for the Internet to either implode or shut down altogether during Beyonce’s performance but somehow, that didn’t happen.

OH….motherf*king Alicia Keys went and remixed the national anthem…in front of all them nice white people. Not only does she spend 80 percent of every song yelling at all of us, now she’s lighting women on fire, which I’m fairly sure, is like, not cool, bro. But if there’s one song that’s more sacred to white people than “Dixie” it’s the National Anthem. That’s why so many tend to hate it when certain singers sing it…like the Christina Aguilera’s and the coloreds. We tend to flavor it up. Well she flavoried it down with a jazzy version but then hit up a couple extra words and lines in the end. Lawd, Alicia. First you decide to work with BlackBerry, now you f*cking with white people. It’s been an odd week for you.

Back to the lecture at hand. While I like Beyonce, I’m not nearly on the level of her stans out there. I don’t think the Super Bowl was Beyonce concert with a football game surrounding it. But maaaaaaaaan listen, when she hit the crowd with the “raise your hands towards me and let me feed off your energy…” weeeeeeelllllllllllllllll, I ain’t saying she’s drinking the Kool-Aid, but she’s definitely on the verge of Crystal Light. Oh, and she made Kelly and Michelle her backup singers. I like it. I like it a lot.

THEN the power goes out. I’m not a betting man because if I was I’d put my money on the fact that God probably put his chips on Baltimore to cover the spread in Vegas. Why else would he cut the lights AFTER Jacoby Jones records the longest kick-off return in Superbowl History (well until it was noted that it was only 108 yards and thus tied with others). He had to make sure that Baltimore was up enough to ultimately win. Of course, it’s possible that Beyonce’s powers of the unreal cut the lights to somehow give San Fran an edge (it didn’t, they’re a tremendous comeback team and should have won in my opinion), but if the Ravens don’t win then we don’t get Ray Lewis and his Psalms 91 shirt and then we don’t get him telling us about God more times than the entire winner’s circle at the NAACP Image Awards on Friday night who ceremoniously disrespected Jamie Foxx as he sang the gospel while accepting his award which I’m pretty sure was for “Most Versatile Performer” or some such f*ckery. I ain’t saying that the Image Awards ain’t sh*t, but that’s awful close to a BET Award show category.

Oh, and Red Tails winning movie of the year or whatever it won when 1) it sucked more than, well, anything, and 2) it was in the same category as Django Unchained and Beasts of the Southern Wild, and 3) nobody even remembered when it came out was some bullish*t. Even George Lucas said he wasn’t expecting to be up there. Luckily nobody who actually knows sh*t about movies gives that win any credence.

I’m rambling. Yes I am. Back to Ray Ray. I know he’s religious and always has been so its nothing new. But between him, Beyonce, and God shutting off the lights at the Super Dome, well, there was a lot of Jesus going on around the Super Bowl. I would like to ask Beyonce to give some of her followers the ability to worship Jesus too though. Boo yaow.

So yes, I just used almost 755 words to get back to this:

Beyonce can sing.


So…did y’all watch the Super Bowl? What did you think of the performance? The Image Awards? Beyonce? Ray Lewis? It’s the morning after…





False Victories Wrongly Decided By Public Opinion

On “tha twittahs” a few days ago, I questioned how it was possible that Pitbull could still be relevant in any way shape or form and T-Pain can’t get a song on the radio. As was expected, folks rained down upon me (no pr0n, R. Kelly, or Mother Nature) the fact that Jay-Z killed T-Pain’s career with his track “D.O.A. (Death of Autotune)”.

Poppycock. Jay-Z didn’t kill T-Pain’s career. Changing musical tastes did. Jay-Z just made the right song at the right time to take credit for the demise. Think about this. T-Pain came onto the scene in 2005 with both “I’m Sprung” and “I’m In Luv (With A Stripper)”. For FOUR solid years T-Pain was EVERYWHERE on radio. “D.O.A” didn’t even come out until the second half of 2009 well after T-Pain was already on the decline; fact is, that’s a long time to sell karaoke for anybody. Yet, Jay-Z is awarded the victory for murking auto-tune and simultaneously T-Pain’s livelihood (though Mr. Pinnedherazzdown did release and sell albums since then, just not nearly as successfully as his 2005-2008 run). And it’s a false victory. Jay-Z just put the stamp on public opinion. Period.

And in contrast, 50 Cent absolutely did murder Ja Rule’s career. I’ll bet Ja has been constructing a voodoo doll in 50′s likeness since the moment he went to jail.

But Jay-Z killing auto-tune (1) is first up in the line of not quite victories wrongly decided by public opinion.

Here are a few others.

2. LL Cool J besting Canibus in their “battle”

Make no mistake, Bus’ “2nd Round Knockout” was by far leagues better than LL Cool J’s response record “The Ripper Strikes Back”. Canibus lost OVERALL because his career sucked. First he blamed Wyclef for creating the the dismal Can-I-Bus album, which was actually terrible. After that travashamockery, people kind of assumed that because Canibus career sucked despite his abilities, that LL Cool J – who has released more clunkers of albums than dope ones, let’s be real – couldn’t possibly have lost. Even now I’ve got somebody telling me that LL won that battle. He did not. But the people spoke and it was so. Even if it wasn’t.

3. Jay-Z vs Nas

Look, I liked “Ether”, the sheer venom in it made it a worthwhile listen. And it was the resurrection of Nasty. For that I’m happy. But the ONLY reason Jay “lost” that battle (he didn’t) was because he released “Super Ugly” and then tried to take it back. John Coffey. That’s the ONLY reason. “The Takeover” is SUCH a better song overall. And Jay didn’t resort to rote disses like “you’re gay” and “you suck” blah blah blah…he hit Nas where it hurt…with facts. And with only one vesre. But because “Super Ugly” comes out and people were happy to hear Nas so inspired, Jay “lost” that battle to Nas. Never happened.

4. The NAACP versus The n-word

Oh wait…the NAACP didn’t win did it, public opinion or otherwise. My bad. Those n-words were trippin.

5. The McRib’s existence vs common sense

Look, there is no motherf*cking reason why The McRib should exist. I’m fairly certain that even the marketing staff at McDonald’s is baffled by this one. But for some reason, despite the fact that its 1) not a rib; 2) is mystery meat; and 3) comes with pickles and onions; every time they drop the McRib, people lose their sh*t and buy them at an alarming rate making health care practioners who run HMOs happy. So somehow, the McRib continues its reign of terror on our arteries (kind of like the Baconator) because the people have created a false sense of demand for a product that nobody in their right mind needs. See also: The McGriddle. If McDonald’s isn’t the devil, then I don’t know what is. But the McRib stays around anyway. Because we have willed it so. Shame on you.

Alright, those are a few examples of false victories decided by the court of public opinion. What else do you have? VSB, let’s call out the fakers, posers, and bullishers.

And yes…I fully expect to get a gang of comments disagreeing about Jay vs. Nas. You may disagree with me. You will be wrong.




post-racial slur survivor


its been two years since the NAACP officially “buried” the word nigger. deemed “the greatest child racism ever birthed“, nigger had a full funeral replete with a procession, a eulogy, and a rare sighting of a standing christine beatty to symbolically put an end to the power behind that word.

even before this strange act, post-racial bigots already put that word on waivers, realizing that you just can’t go around calling everybody niggers anymore (unless, of course, you’re ghostface killa or frank sobotka). in its place are dozens of terms, phrases, code words, epithets, and idioms; synonyms for “black” lingering around the american lexicon and causing more uneasiness and deferred discomfort than an ugly baby.

today, with your help, will begin to put an end to this phenomenon with our first ever installment of post-racial slur survivor

the champ will list 11 of his favorite post-racial racist code words and slurs, and we’ll decide in the comments which term will officially be voted out and buried in the plot next to nigger

1. communist/socialist

—although this coding seemingly surfaced overnight, america has a long and storied history of branding educated blacks as anti-american anarchists perpetually plotting towards the country’s demise (which we are...but thats besides the point.)

2. urban

—a term that’s become so synonymous with black that six months ago, a group of arkansas businessmen petitioned to boycott the entire city of little rock when hearing of plans to open an urban outfitters there, saying that the retail chain’s title “promoted crime and miscegenation”¹.

3. church groups (from trenton)

just read and weep. or laugh.

4. inner-city

—am i the only one who’s felt that the connotation of inner-city doesn’t just suggest “they live in the city” but that cats live inside the city? like we actually live inside of stairwells, sewers, and streetlights and sh*t?

yea? ok, moving on

5. at risk

—although usually used by educators to describe certain school districts and neighborhood populations, “at-risk” itself is so ambiguous that it can be applied to basically anyone.  i mean, why can’t you describe a college freshman class as being at-risk even though the risk they’re facing is chlamydia?

6. thug

although it originally derives from the thuggee’s of india, the term has become so racially charged that and other websites have actually begun to censor it out of the comments on it’s articles. we tried doing that here as well, but liz our moderation is racist

7. illegal/foreigner/muslim

—code words that serve as reminders for a bigots prevailing feeling that minorities are america’s mother-in-laws: needy, unwelcome visitors with bad food, strange hair, and gout

8. affirmative action/quota

—terms used by those conveniently forgetting that white women exist

9. regular/hard-working

—while these terms aren’t used to describe blacks per se, they are used to imply what blacks are not. a politician or pundit making a reference to “regular, hard-working americans” is basically saying “not niggers”.

the same could be said for “trustworthy”. but, since i don’t trust most of ya’ll niggas either, i can’t fault them for that one

10. n-word

—this isn’t really any type of racial code. i just really, really, really hate this f*cking word.

11. ghetto

—used when inner-city isn’t quite black enough to accurately describe “black”. its almost like it implies “no, not just black. really, really black. superblack. ultrablack. uberblack. so black that if you turn off all the lights, all you’ll see is a d*ck and some teeth”

people of, vote for which term you’d most like to see buried next. remember, you can only choose one. also, since i know i haven’t covered them all, please feel free to mention any write-in candidates you’d like to nominate.

the carpet is yours and sh*t

¹i’m lying. admit it, though. you can totally see that happening

—the champ