it usually doesn’t start this way.

it probably began with the same passion, enthusiastic spontaneity, unbridled optimism, and unprompted sunday bj’s synonymous with most happy couples. you liked each other, alot, and still actually do on wednesdays, but somewhere along the line your joyful coupling turned into a joyless abyss of unrelentingly sh*tty sh*ttyness.

thing is, like most of us, you probably didn’t realize exactly how terrible your relationship was until you got out of it. sure, everyone else could see it, but you were too blinded by your investment and occasional gotdamn to actually notice.

to make sure this lack of recognition of your sh*tty circumstances never happens to any of you again, here’s 10 signs that you’re in a sh*tty relationship

1. you want them dead

ok, you might not actually want to kill them or even want them to die, but lets just say that if a completely random, completely painless, and undoubtedly fatal accident were to befall your mate, it probably wouldn’t upset you that much

***pausing to allow everyone reading this who’s ever been in a sh*tty relationship to nod their head in shameful understanding***

2. they don’t make you happy

its probably not a good thing if the only time you can remember your man making you laugh is when you saw him get tazed by a traffic cop last month.

3. you think everyone you encounter is attractive in someway…except your significant other

seriously, i think this is how they pick the contestants for “the flavor of love”. they just target women in relationships so sh*tty that they’d find a bowl of cream of wheat more sexually attractive then their current bf’s.

4. its based on a lie

while white lies here or there about their awful spaghetti, your extensive p*rn collection, or the looks of their enthusiastically unattractive siblings are sometimes needed to keep the relationship peace, there’s no surer sign that you’re in a sh*tty relationship than if lies are needed to keep it going.

usually, theses type of lies fall in one of two categories

a) willful deception (ie: willingly (and selfishly) being the other woman or man)

b) willful self-deception (ie: having to convince yourself that things will get better, even though you know that the wait for that improbability would be longer than khloe kardashians chin)

5. you’ve stopped having spontaneous sex

6. nobody ever invites you anywhere as a group

which actually doesn’t matter because even if you were invited, you wouldn’t attend because…

7. you dont want to spend time around genuinely happy people

…and have their mere presence reminds you of the sh*tstorm of unhappiness that is your life

8. you always have more fun if they’re not included

lets just say that you qualify if your first mental response to “i invited your girl, too“, “your girl is on the way“, or (from your girl) “i want to spend some time with you this weekend” is always “f*ck!!!”

9. you’ve had to pull repeated “usher’s” (ending good relationships with other people to make it work)

10. you’re always the last person to find sh*t out about each other

from your promotion at work to the results of your std screen, a hallmark of a sh*tty relationship is everyone else always learning important stuff about your significant other before you do. seriously, i have a friend who broke up with his aggressively unintelligent chick in august and still hasn’t told her yet (they’re also still having sex. his explanation: “you expect me to deprive myself of some regular ass just because she doesn’t check her voicemails?”)

people of vsb.com, did i miss anything? are there any more signs that your relationship sucks that i’m leaving out?

also, has any of this happened to you? have any of you been in a relationship and not realized how truly sh*tty it was until after you’ve broken up?

the carpet is yours

—the champ