1. I realize it’s blasphemous for an educated and “enlightened” black person to say this in an open space, but I don’t dislike Steve Harvey. In fact, all of my Steve Harvey-related experiences — watching his act on Def Comedy Jam, seeing him when the Kings of Comedy came to Pittsburgh, listening to the Steve Harvey Morning Show in the way to work, rocking a purple suit to my middle school semi-formal, etc — have been positive ones¹. And, while I haven’t read either of his books, the excerpts I’ve seen have actually been ***ducking thunderbolts from Bentley, the black God of self-righteousness*** on point.
Even if he’s a shameless, opportunistic, zootsuited, hypocritical chickenhawk, being a shameless, opportunistic, zootsuited, hypocritical chickenhawk doesn’t make “waiting three months to give up the cookies” a wrong concept. Plus, lets not kid ourselves. As the questions I receive at Madame Noire each week prove, there are women who do need to hear things like “If he’s serving a life term, maybe you should consider dating other people” and “He’s probably just not that into you if you found him in bed with the Sears delivery man.”
Since this is true, I can’t be mad at the upcoming “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” movie — starring Chris Brown (more on him in a sec), Michael Ealy, Gabrielle Union (What? You thought there was a chance in hell that she wasn’t going to be in this movie?), and others. Hell, I might even break my self-imposed black movie box office boycott² and buy a ticket.
2. I kind of suspect that I’m the shit. Actually, this is a lie. I’m pretty damn certain that I’m the shit, but I just need a little more evidence to cross the line from “pretty damn certain” to “100% convinced.”
Why am I bringing this up? Well, if Chris Brown is set to star in what will most likely be a completely contrived romantic comedy with predictable casting and (probable) Christian overtones in the same year that I invented a screenplay where…Chris Brown starred in a completely contrived romantic comedy with predictable casting and Christian overtones, this is all the proof I’ll need to be fully convinced that I am, indeed, the shit.
3. My two favorite tiny funny black men — Kevin Hart and Romany Malco — are in this movie, which means they might possibly reenact one of my favorite movie scenes of all time.
(You know what the funniest part about this scene is? Well, the funniest part aside from “we f*ck dwarfs in the ass?” It’s not actually in the movie. This is a deleted/extended scene. In the theater version, all the gang jibberish is cut out, and Kevin Hart only has like three lines. )
4. Meagan Good has also been cast, which means that she’ll probably break the Guinness record for “Most Consecutive Screen Appearances As A Big-Tiddied Hoodrat“— a title currently held by (tie)Paula Jai Parker and Jennifer Tilly. Godspeed, Meagan. Godspeed.
5. Back to Blonde Breezy. Although I’ve been very critical of Chris Brown’s “redemption” in the past, I think I’ve officially reached the “not a single f*ck was given” point regarding whatever the hell happened that infamous night on the way to the Grammy’s. Apparently, time heals all wounds and all self-righteous indignations.
But, what remains completely fascinating is how both him and Rihanna have gotten progressively weirder and progressively more famous since that night. Maybe instead of a fight that night, they actually went through the Illuminati’s application and pledging process. Who knows?
I do know, though, that somewhere out there (probably on Mars), Andre 3000 and Erykah Badu are kicking themselves. They already had the weird part down pact. Who knew that all they had to do to keep people actually buying their albums was jab each other a couple times while riding in one of their spaceships?
6. I have a male (and presumably straight) friend (“John”) who — in the middle of an all-male spades game a few years ago — was trying to think of Michael Ealy’s name, couldn’t, and just referred to him as “the n*gga with the eyes.” When his statement made the record screech on the entire party, he followed it up by saying “Come on. I aint gay or anything, but y’all act like I aint the only n*gga who noticed he has some pretty ass eyes.”
Needless to say, I have a personal stake in Michael Ealy continuing to get movie roles just I can continue thinking of new and creative ways to tease John about his man eyes crush (not that there’s anything wrong with having a man eyes crush). I’ve even started calling him “Hazel.” Seriously, I’m like one of those comedians who wanted Bush to stay in office forever just so they’d never run out of material.
7. If movies like this and “Jumping The Broom” keep getting green-lighted and continue to be successful, the “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night” major motion picture can’t be too far off, right?
Right?
¹I realize that this statement contradicts approximately 2245 different anti-Steve Harvey VSB entries. To that I say, “So what? I’m the shit.”
²A free copy of “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night” to the first person to guess the last “black” movie I saw at the theater. You have until 12:00 pm
—The Champ
***Check out “The Charger and The Nerd” — The Champ’s latest at The Good Men Project. It’s worth the read, just so you can tease Champ for eating pheasant.***
