four reasons why they never should have given you n*ggas internet access

emeagwali-science-museum-of-minnesota-saint-paul-june-1996

while african-americans are definitely the most influential people on the planet, i can’t exactly say that everything we’ve brought to the table has been a good thing. this is particularly true when it comes to the internet, where for every okayplayer and blackvoices, there’s a couple mediatakeout’s lurking in the weeds, luring small children and stupid adults.

today, as a part of the verysmartbrothas crime-fighting ideals (and a shout-out to the champ’s second favorite television show ever), we’ve decided to bless the vsb pulpit with four reasons why they never should have given you n*ggas internet access. Continue reading

Hands In The Concrete: 6 Surefire Ways To Impress A Man

g435dj-jewel-postersHere at VSB we’ve spent an inordinate amount of time trying to offer women a glimpse into the minds of men.  Truly, we’re not that complicated.  Find us, f*ck us, and flee (ya know).  It’s really that simple most of the time.

Now despite all of this free and sage pre-paid legal advice and consultation, we still get questions from women about how they might snag the attention of a particular male suitor.  And being the generous, love-loving gentleman (no Ne-yo) that I am, I figure what the hell, why not give the ladies an inside track on piquing the interest of 90 percent of men out there…without their boobs. Continue reading

get on the (band)wagon

one of the most dependable relationship tenets is the fact that when its blatantly obvious that a man is in a committed relationship, there’s a certain segment of women (read: “all“) who will begin to find him more attractive. from latent self-esteem and “distant daddy” issues to the fact that men in relationships generally aren’t pressed to find new pu**y (an attractive quality in the eyes of most women), there are myriad possible reasons for this phenomenon, but, for the most part, it all comes down to one general rule:

women are lemmings (ie: “sheep”, “followers”, “the borg”, “republicans”)

how so, exceedingly omnipotent and virile champ?“, you ask…well

…its all about the wagon. the bandwagon

bandwagon attraction is a general thought process that many women possess, a way of thinking that allows peer-pressure to influence how attractive they might find someone. they practice this everywhere, from the nightclub dynamic where one expertly timed “i think he’s funny looking” can influence an entire flock of chicks into thinking that an relatively unfunny looking guy is, in fact, funny looking, to the entire mystic surrounding the wedding ring:

well…there must be something great about him since someone actually wanted to marry him. i wonder if he wants some head?”

in equation form:

x (a man’s base score)

+

y(1/10)  (the number of women who’ve professed attraction to him with her earshot)

equals

z (his adjusted score)

for instance, if a woman thinks a guy might be a 5 (x), but she hears 20 different women say that he’s attractive (y)*(1/10), his score raises to a 7 (z)

***for a negative remark, the equation stays the same, sans the “1/10th” changing to a “negative 1/10th”***

in no other avenue is this phenomenon more prevalent than when thinking about pop cultural figures. from michael jordan (who, more than any other public figure, made it socially acceptable again to admit attraction to dark-skinned black males) to the mystery surrounding the confusing infatuation black women had with mos def from 2001 to 2004, theres a long and varied history of men becoming “attractive” basically overnight just because a few fickle women deemed them such and their opinions began to pick up steam like, ummm, a thing that picks up lots of steam very quickly.

the patron saint...for now

the patron saint...for now

currently, the 2008 patron saint of bandwagon attraction seems to be hill harper, a man who in less than 30 months has gone from “what kind of f*cking name is hill??” to the de facto ideal mentioned when black women profess an affinity for nerdy n*ggas. in fact, if you google “i need me a hill harper type of n*gga“, over two billion results pop up, with over 500 million of them coming directly from lizburr.com (***editors note: the champ is lying***)

what does this all mean? why are women so easily influenced when it comes to what they find attractive? why did mos def shack up with an nba groupie? who knows. all i know is that i need to start rocking a wedding ring.

on second thought, maybe not. wagons give me motion sickness. i think i’ll pass

–the champ