Tag Archives: money

How Much Is “Hotness” Worth To You?

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When I was younger, my parents and I used to play a particularly morbid game called “How Much?” The game consisted of one of us coming up with a somewhat random and totally morally ambiguous task  — i.e.: “How much would it take for you to put a chicken bone in the collection plate at church?” — and try to figure out the least amount of money that it would take for one of us to do it.

Why was it morbid? Well, the game operates under the assumption that everybody has a price, regardless of how moral or righteous you claim to be. Maybe you wouldn’t run a block around your house butt-naked for free or throw a head of lettuce at a school crossing guard for a 20, but what if someone offered you $1,000? No? How about $50,000? Exactly.

Adding to the morbidity quotient was the fact that this game was usually played while on the way to one of my Pittsburgh Diocese grade school football games. It was quite difficult looking Father Joesph in the eye 15 minutes after admitting to my parents that I’d consider hitting him with a milk-filled water balloon for $3,700.

Anyway, I was reminded of this game while talking to a friend yesterday afternoon. He mentioned that he came across a pretty attractive woman while scrolling through the “People You May Know” sidebar on his Facebook page, and he remembered that his very first thought when seeing her was “Damn. She must have a really easy life.”

I ignored the man code violation (Seriously? You see a hot chick and your first thought is “Damn, she probably never has to sweat”???), and we started a conversation about whether unattractive people should have affirmative action. I assumed that he was bringing this topic up because he’d read my piece about, um, whether “ugly” people should have affirmative action, but I soon found out that he hadn’t — an awkward moment reminding me that I’m not quite as big of a deal as I like to think I am.

Anyway, my ego recovered in time to debate whether we both believed that the more attractive a person is, the better their lives tend to be (we do), if attractive women lead the “easiest” lives (they do), and if there’s an actual tangible price on beauty (there is) — a discussion leading to an inevitable question:

“Since there are obvious long-term social, emotional, financial, and even physiological benefits to being attractive, would you pay to be more attractive?”  

Basically, if you were somehow given the ability to pay money to be 25% cuter or four inches taller or four inches longer or to reshape the head you’ve always been self-conscious about or possess that hour glass frame you’ve always coveted, would you do it?

And, if so, how much would this service be worth to you?

Now, I realize that many of you will scoff at those questions, and that’s understandable. You’re happy with the hand God gave you and you’d do nothing to change it, you love yourself totally, flaws and all, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

If you feel that way, I’ll choose to believe you, and I’ll also choose to believe you’re not one of the hundreds of millions of people in this country who spend billions of dollars a year on artificial aesthetic enhancements — shoes with lifts, makeup, heels, weave, foobs, etc.

If you’re not one of those people, I’m curious: Knowing that a 15% bump in attractiveness might also give you a 15% bump in happiness and success, would you make that investment? If so, how much would you be willing to spend? I mean, if the difference between being a 5 and an 8.5 might be $800,000 in lifetime earnings, that service has to be worth at least $100,000, right?

—The Champ

***An extended version of “Herman Cain: Uncle Ruckus or the Baddest Motherf***er Alive?” has been published at The Good Men Project this week. Check it out of you get a chance***

getting the gift: life’s five best unexpected rewards

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rewards

while we all know that life is like a box of chocolates, everyone has a moment or two when it seems like that chocolate box is filled with catsh*t, especially in the TET (ms. smart, 2008). to deal with our trials and tribulations, life has a way of giving us unexpected rewards…simple daily smiles that can easily turn a melancholy day to mediocre, and a mediocre day to magnificent.

as another example of vsb.com’s crime-fighting commitments, here are five of the champ’s favorite.

1. free food

while pearly gates, endless bliss, and easy white women sound plenty enticing, my idea of heaven is an endless loop of a “hey, everybody; don’t worry about lunch. i ordered some pizza, wings, and beer” message from the boss during a staff meeting on one of those end of the month thursdays when your checking account is asking “if i cut the pink off the two week old mystery pasta in the breakroom fridge, i wont get sick, right?“.

(btw, by “the boss” i totally meant “stacey dash”. this is heaven, right?)

2. finding money

whether its on the ground, in your coat pocket, or a forgotten about revenue stream from the t-shirts you sell on your website, there aren’t many things better than finding unexpected money in an unexpected place.

sh*t, just last week i cheesed for an hour after finding a dollar in the trunk of my truck and cried for another hour after getting rebuffed at the wendy’s drive thru for being six cents short for a junior bacon cheeseburger

3. a compliment from a stranger

after getting home after a particularly rough day at work a couple months ago, i walked a couple blocks to the walnut street shopping district to window shop and clear my head when a somewhat milfy middle aged woman complimented me, saying that my “glasses were nice”. who cares that she may have been homeless and that there’s a good chance she actually said “the masses have lice!”, it made me happy, and that’s all that really counts.

4. randomly seeing an extremely physically attractive person

even those in purgatory serious committed relationships can still appreciate and acknowledge the unexpected potential mood boost of accidentally seeing a dime in line at pepboys or behind the counter at popeyes. you don’t have to own the land to appreciate the view.

5. finding something on the sales rack that actually fits

because of my waist (36), shirt (l or xl), and shoe (12) sizes, finding something on sale that actually fits me is harder than roman polanski watching degrassi high. seriously, its like deals at men’s clothing stores are only for midgets and men built like dejuan blair. i’m usually so surprised to find something that fits that i assume there’s something wrong with it, a phenomenon which usually ends with me just staring at a pair of jeans for fifteen minutes like it’s actually going to say “yeah, n*gga; you don’t wanna buy me. my right leg is longer than my left and my crotch area itches worse than courtney love. leave my skinny ass on the rack. wait…why the hell is your black ass in h&m anyway??“

thats it for now. people of vsb.com, did i miss anything, and when was the last time you got one of life’s unexpected rewards?

the carpet is yours and sh*t

—the champ

link of the week: from jobless to topless

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“its a recession”

jokingly used nowadays as a witty response to every question, this phrase can now be used as a justification for learning how to booty clap to the chorus of “say you will”.

“The tough job market is prompting a growing number of women across the country to dance in strip clubs, appear in adult movies or pose for magazines like Hustler.

Employers across the adult entertainment industry say they’re seeing an influx of applications from women who, like Brown, are attracted by the promise of flexible schedules and fast cash. Many have college degrees and held white-collar jobs until the economy soured.”

obviously, this is nothing new under the sun. humans have been willing to buy and sell sex since adam was rockin a bald fade. thing is, the sex industry has always been perceived as an option for the optionless, a skill less job for a hopeless woman.

today?

well….its a recession. apparently, the “p” in “p-popping” now stands for phd.

people of vsb:

personally, how would you describe your view of people with sexually themed occupations? reluctant admiration? disdain? pity? aggressive indifference? does your judgment depend on situation and circumstance?

would you consider “selling” yourself if you felt you didnt have any other attractive options?

could you date someone who’s been in or who’s currently in “the life”?

don’t be scurred and sh*t. we’re all family here.

****admin note****

on april 24th, the champ is hosting a happy hour at ava bar & lounge in pittsburgh for all vsb-ers in the tri-state area. come if you want to be awed by the champ’s black leather and voiceofreason’s pillow twinset.

email us at contact@verysmartbrothas.com, or join the verysmartbrothas.com facebook fan page and rsvp if you’re interested in attending. the champ can’t promise any drink specials right now, but he will personally buy liquor for anyone rocking vsb paraphernalia, like veteran vsb-er goodeness…

goody

…seen here contemplating life, spoons, and greyhound stations.

also, vsb.com has a twitter account.…as does panama….and the champ. if anyone can successfully convince either of them why they should even bother tweeting, theres a free vsb tee in it for you.

****end of admin note****

—the champ

blast from the past: her two cents, revisited

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***admin note***

because of a technical difficulty (read: “really, you don’t wanna know. trust me”) last night, the champ is re-posting an entry from may, with a few ridiculous edits.

***end of admin note***

forget everything else you’ve heard.

disregard every other theory you’ve read.

ignore anything you’ve heard from any other relationship pundit.

fellas, you need to know that it’s all about money.

that’s it.

it’s not about sex, or, more specifically, which sexual acts she’s willing to do for you. she swallowed? so what. get in line. take a number. you doo-scooped her in one of the men’s dressing rooms at the banana republic? sh-t, so did clinton portis and sting in 2002. get over yourself.

it’s not about time either. women will spend time with a guy they have no intentions on ever doing anything remotely physical with, sans the hunchback hug (the teasingly platonic hug where women hunch their backs forward and stick their behind out, insuring there won’t be any type of crotch-area contact) at the end of the night when you drop her off at her f-buddy’s efficiency at her apartment.

she let you meet her girlfriends? who cares. she just wanted to prove to them that she found someone worse in spades than gem and ivy she is. plus, 45 percent of them aren’t going to be around this time next week year anyway.

she let you meet her family? so what. she’s just tired of hearing the “when are you getting married?” chorus at every family outing, and figures that being seen with your delusional ass might buy her a good 6 months of question quelling.

you’re on her top 4 on myspace? great. so is ringo starr. and tom.

she told you she loved you? love schmove. when she said it she was probably under the influence of dgp (”damn good pipe”), and that “confession” definitely ain’t admissible in any court. if you remember, that night she also called you “bucketman” repeatedly, even though your name is nate.

no, their only true tell, the one sign that’ll make you absolutely certain that a woman is definitely, without any questions, into you is if she’s willing to give you money.

not borrow. not loan. give. give, with absolutely no plans to ever get it back. this is the ultimate test…the relationship wonderlic exam. if she’s willing, she adores you…if she’s not, she doesn’t. it’s that simple

you could even make the argument that (***editors note***. the champ isn’t making this argument, just stating that the argument can be made. carry on) money is a woman’s most valuable possession which is why they’re usually terrible tippers. i’m not implying that all women are bronze excavators (”gold-diggers” is a bit too cliched for my taste), but let’s just say that, for reasons that have to do with biology and centuries of socialization, it’s much, much, much easier to separate a man interested in a woman from miscellaneous cash than vice versa, and for her to be willing to actually do this for a guy she’s seeing is the most concrete proof on the planet that she is invested in him.

you don’t believe me?

okay. tomorrow, ask a woman how many people she’s had any type of sexual relationship with. (***editors note***. don’t do this, unless you plan on getting smack repeatedly. wait, on second thought, do this and report the results)

then, ask her how many of those guys she would have given 500 dollars to if they needed it. i’d bet my obama sponsored reparations check that at least 70 percent of the time, those numbers won’t even be close to matching up.

let’s break it down again:

you met her stepmom? so what. she hates her stepmom, and she just brought you around because she knows she’ll be allergic to your cologne. she’s actually secretly hoping that it kills her

she let you make a tape? hmmm…obviously you haven’t checked the homegrown thread at bgol the contents of that shoebox underneath her bed. you’re just this month’s co-star.

your checking account is a bit short this month because you had to help pay for your aunt’s funeral, and your girl gave you $550 to help out with your mortgage? she’s already picked the names of your first three grandchildren.

so, people of vsb.com, i know i’m right, but, for the sake of discussion, i need to ask am i right…or am i right?

—the champ

her two cents

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forget everything else you’ve heard.

disregard every other theory you’ve read.

ignore anything you’ve heard from any other relationship pundit.

fellas, you need to know that it’s all about money.

that’s it.

it’s not about sex, or, more specifically, whichever sexual acts she’s willing to do for you. she swallowed? so what. get in line. take a number. you hit it in one of the men’s dressing rooms at the banana republic? sh-t, so did clinton portis in 2002. get over yourself.

it’s not about time either. as we previously discussed, many women will spend time with a guy they have no intentions on ever doing anything remotely physical with, sans the hunchback hug (the teasingly platonic hug where women hunch their backs forward and stick their behind out, insuring there won’t be any type of crotch-area contact) at the end of the night when you drop her off at her f-buddy’s efficiency at her apartment.

she let you meet her girlfriends? who cares. she just wanted to prove to them that she found someone worse in spades than she is. plus, 15 percent of them aren’t going to be around this time next week year anyway.

she let you meet her family? so what. she’s just tired of hearing the “when are you getting married?” chorus at every family outing, and figures that being seen with your delusional ass might buy her a good 6 months of question quelling.

you’re on her top 4 on myspace? great. so is carl thomas. and tom.

she told you she loved you? love schmove. when she said it she was probably under the influence of dgp (“damn good pipe”), and that “confession” definitely ain’t admissible in any court.

no, fellas, the only way you can be absolutely sure that a woman is definitely into you is if she’s willing to give you money. not borrow. not loan. give. give, with absolutely no plans to ever get it back. this is the ultimate test…the relationship wonderlic exam. if she’s willing, she adores you…if she’s not, she doesn’t. it’s that simple

you could even make the argument that (***editors note***. the champ isn’t making this argument, just stating that the argument can be made. carry on) money is a woman’s most valuable possession. i’m not implying that all women are bronze excavators (“gold-diggers” is a bit too cliched for my taste), but let’s just say that it’s much, much, much easier to separate a man from miscellaneous cash than a woman.

you don’t believe me?

okay. tommorrow, ask a woman how many people she’s had any type of sexual relationship with. (***editors note***. don’t do this.) then, ask her how many of those guys she would have given 500 dollars to if they needed it. i’d bet my stimulus check that at least 70 percent of the time, those numbers won’t match up.

let’s break it down again:

you met her stepmom? so what. she hates her stepmom, and she just brought you around because she knows she’ll be allergic to your cologne.

she let you make a tape? hmmm…obviously you haven’t checked the homegrown thread at bgol the contents of that shoebox underneath her bed

your checking account is a bit short this month because you had to help pay for your aunt’s funeral, and your girl gave you $550 to help out with your mortgage? she’s already picked the names of your first three grandchildren.

you don’t have to believe any of this i guess..unless, of course, you enjoy being right.

—the champ