You Know How You Like To Date The Wrong People? Turns Out It’s Nature’s Fault.

YOU KNOW YOU WANT THIS BOO BOO! YOU AIN’T GOTS TO LIE CRAIIIIIG!

If there’s one thing that nearly all of us have in common, it’s dating somebody we had no business dating. But not only that, we all share the at least once constant desire to stay with said person despite flags so red that Lil Wayne gets jealous. We’ve all been there. You meet some person who you KNOW isn’t right for you. But your heart and (obviously) mercury in retrograde + Murphy’s Law refuses to allow you leave this person alone. Then because your heart keeps telling you that you love this person, you rationalize it in your mind that it must actually be love.

Suddenly, their flaws aren’t flaws but growth in progress. Logically, that one good deed outweighs all of the armed robberies of your soul and the holdups of your emotions that occur. If they were you’re employee they’d have been fired a lifetime ago. But since you’re not paying them you don’t want them to leave because of the investment you’ve made. Never mind that it was a bad one. You invested, dammit, and you’re going to get some return on it, even if its more problems. A return is a return, right? That’s the IRS philosophy.

Yeah, people suck.

Well as luck would have it, it’s possible that picking wrong for the long haul might not be just relegated to humanity and our mammoth-sized misplaced egos, but apparently it could just be a natural function of our animalistic tendencies. Yes, nature’s f*ck shit has invaded the human psyche. Or at least that’s the leap I’m making here based on a New York Times article, entitled, “In Nature, Fatal Attractions Can Be Part of Life.” To wit:

“…a sleek young male Antarctic fur seal was trying to mate with a king penguin.

The fur seals normally hunt penguins and eat them. But this seal was wrestling with the bird, chasing as it repeatedly tried to escape.

Baffled at first, Mr. Scott, a wildlife researcher, realized that the seal “was trying to court the penguin as if it were a female seal.”

When that failed, he “tore the bird to shreds and ate it,” Mr. Scott recalled.

Disturbing as it may sound, such wayward mating behavior is not unheard-of. An earlier episode of seal-on-penguin sexual violence, also at Marion Island, was reported in 2008 by Nico de Bruyn and colleagues at the University of Pretoria, in South Africa, where Mr. Scott is a graduate student.

The phenomenon is called misdirected mating…’

So as it turns out, even animals sometimes don’t know when they’re f*cking the wrong person. Or animal. But for some reason they can’t seem to help themselves either. If it feels right, they go for it. Gold all in my watch.

Nor is such mating limited to marine mammals. Insects, spiders, worms, frogs, birds and fish do it, too, Dr. Hochkirch said. The behavior is a form of so-called reproductive interference, in which an animal’s mate-recognition radar is imperfect; the encounters do not necessarily end fatally.

Summamabitch, a bunch of animals also get their smang on with the wrong folks. Now, I’m not here to judge – do you spider-boo – but that could help explain a whole lot, couldn’t it? It also gives a lot more credence to the Human League (ironically titled now) song, “I’m Only Human.” Sure you know you shouldn’t be dating Big OG Gangster Tracy Tre of the Eight-Tray Gangsta Crips, but you can’t help it. You’re only human and it it feels right. Oh, and that encounter…can end up fatal. Word to Elmo.

Now snap back to reality, what if it really was just a totally natural impulsive and unstoppable urge that caused these (hopefully non-fatal) couplings. Every chick I’ve ever dated where I knew it wouldn’t work or was a bad fit (hey, I didn’t mean that pun), it became apparent early on. Like very early. But because I’m an idiot at times and like to make bad dating decisions on occasion, I’d stick it out (again, didn’t mean it) and see how far the carnage could go. What can I say? I like trainwrecks. Most of us like to chide folks for allowing that to occur but the truth is that it’s difficult as hell to break up with somebody unless something major happens. And even then, major is a subjective as hell. I know women who KNOW for a fact that their man is cheating on them RIGHT NOW who won’t leave him. He’s no good for her but she’s content. I know some dudes whose women have given them every reason in the book to make like a banana and leave and yet they won’t do it.

Mix in this naturalistic tendency to attempt over and over again to couple wrongly – misdirected matching swag – and you’re inclined to stick around despite what you or anybody else knows or says.

What is curious is that, once that animal who didn’t want the coupling (the one who has it right in their head – or who just lets the person stick around b/c they’re benefiting) rebuffed those advances, that penguin went Freddy on that ass. That’s not unlike humanity. There are a lot of people who absolutely KNOW who they won’t work with so they, smartly, resist, and the pursuer, well, loses their sh*t. Now that can result in many different scenarios, depending on if they know their daddy.

But people take rejection really personally. Understandable. But you ain’t have to kill nobody.

Point is, for all you sucks that don’t know…check it out: when you get home and you look at that man or woman you KNOW you need to leave but can’t seem to walk out the door…I’ve got three words for you…

#LookAtGod.

Thank you and good night.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. I AIN’T BONIN’ NO BIRDS aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3