Tag Archives: midgets

milking the cat: the vsb do’s and don’ts of meeting the parents

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we all know the scenario.

boy meets girl. girl likes boy. girl passive aggressively pursues boy. boy agrees to lazily date girl. girl is single and 30, so she is easily enthralled with unremarkable boy. girl sleeps with boy immediately after second date, hoping to f*ck boy into submission. boy eventually relents and decides to make it official after completely exhausting his list of weekend romantic arrangements. girl and boy have mediocre relationship, characterized by months of angst filled nights filled with brita and re-runs of “30 rock”. girl is serious about boy, and invites boy to meet parents because parents are beginning to suspect girl “putts from the rough”

one of the most potentially nerve-racking parts of adulthood, meeting the parents for the first time is a social inevitability filled with more potential faux pas and hand grenades than liz’s bed.

so, in keeping with our commitment to fight crime, here’s the vsb do’s and don’ts of meeting the fam for the first time

do make your mate a cheat sheet

there’s awkward, there’s extremely awkward, and there’s “if i had known her uncle joe was in rehab, i probably wouldn’t have told that joke about the crackhead, the gallon of milk, and rafer alston i read in maxim last month” awkward.

if you’re gonna introduce your mate to your fam, its your responsibility t0 also give them a cliffnotes version of what to expect and which lurking landmines to avoid.

obviously, you don’t want to tell em everything and take the fun out of them finding out about grandma’s purse pistols, but if in doubt, anything having to do with predicate felonies, unusually attractive and lascivious aunts, midget cousins, jehovah witnesses, extreme wealth, and extreme roach infestation should probably be revealed a week or two in advance

do eat…

…but don’t come with an empty stomach

if invited, you have to eat something offered if you ever want to be invited again. still, just in case today was the day her dad decided to serve his famous beet souffle, its a good idea to eat a small meal beforehand, especially if you’re like the champ and a prolonged empty stomach turns you into a liken.

don’t get too comfortable

basically, just remember that taking “hey, make yourself at home” and “please, help yourself” literally is the quickest way to go from “ashley” to “can you believe” (ie “can you believe that trifling heffer jack brought home last week had the nerve to walk her ashy barefeet in my kitchen and make a salad??? with croutons!!!! croutons!!!!“)

do pay attention

if you’re at the parent stage, its probably safe to say that you’ve evolved a bit past the “i mean, we’re f*cking, so i guess i can buy her a waffle and sh*t sometime next week” stage of the relationship.

with this in mind, it would be in your best interest to pay attention to the dynamics of the household…because this could very well be your future.

do downgrade the pda

look. ever since her mom accidentally discovered the johnson triplets running a train on her in her basement a condom in her purse in 12th grade, they’ve known their daughter was sexually active, and the fact that they know that she allows you to drive her whip with a suspended license you’re living together has completely quelled any doubt. still, its probably not the best idea to remind them of that fact by referring to her as her petname “polegirl” or noticeably rubbing her skirted ass while you’re saying grace

lastly…

do be yourself…but don’t be yourself

its understandable to be a bit overzealous in your attempt to impress the fam. still, parents can usually spot out fakes faster than p*rn producers, so its a good idea to leave your inner james fray in the car.

with this being said, while you shouldn’t lie or embellish, theres nothing wrong with not giving them the entire truth about you right now. you’re pro-choice? fine. you designed a line of tiller the killer baby tees on ebay? keep that little nugget to yourself

i’m sure i’m missing a few. any suggestions?

—the champ

Top Flight Security of the World, Craig.

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Every woman wants to be with a man that makes them feel safe and secure. Nobody wants to date the man that makes them feel like they’ll have to jump into his fight because he can’t handle his own. Unless of course, she’s a hoodrat, in which case she might instigate a fight that you have no way of winning.

My advice? After age 18, don’t date hoodrats. The adventure just isn’t worth it.

Also, never date a woman with an intentionally visible tattoo of her name on her teeth, arm, or neck. That ALSO is not a good look.

I’ve digressed. Ah yes, security.

So what if you’re one of those cats who loves to throw around the cliché: I’m a lover not a fighter, except you really mean it. Like say you’re as prone to jump into a fight as you are to sleep with a Malyasian beaverhorse. Your woman still has to feel safe doesn’t she? She has to know that while the two of you are out, if anything goes down, you can handle it, right?

Right.

The term, fake it ‘til you make it comes to mind. So today, here at VSB HQ, we shall help you non-fighter men fake it ‘til you make it with a list of ways to guarantee that you’ll never have to fight to defend your girls honor (or prove your love).

1. Only eat at restaurants that are frequented by older white patrons with something to lose.

TGIFridays is totally out. You see, by going to an upper-crust restaurant, you tend to be amongst people who, much like, you have about as much experience fighting as a panda bear held in a zoo wearing a Snuggie on a Tuesday after the summer solstice. Of course this might hurt your pockets and require you to know which one is the “salad” fork, but it’s a small price to pay. For one, she doesn’t know that you’re a punk, but she also doesn’t suspect that you’re not able to hold your own.

In that same vein…

2. Stay away from places that young people congregate.

It’s a well known fact that young people are tantamount to senseless violence. Everybody is ALWAYS trying to prove something, especially a group of young males (to include college age). The fact is, youth breeds ignorance and ignorance breeds fisticuffs – which you don’t have any of.

3. Be extremely funny and personable.

It’s hard to fight the funny guy. Everybody knows that humor is the best defense against ignorance. Actually, that’s not true at all, and if you believe that I have a Spacely Sprockett for sale. However, being funny generally guarantees that you won’t get into too many arguments. Mind you, be funny, not an asshole. Assholishness exponentially increases your beatdown probability. You want to stay on the lower end of that confidence interval. Plus, I also think that if you’re funny and personable, you’ll date a woman who’s at least similar in nature and neither of you will find yourselves shouting down a car with 4 men wearing similarly colored clothing and neck tattoos because they “cut you off” which, when you think about it is really a relative term anyway.

4. Be Proactive, like the Panthers, not like Diddy or them white kids.

This requires you to be a little bit smarter than the average bear, or at least have some foresight. If you see a situation that could even REMOTELY get out of control, you have to squash it before that happens. Usually, a transfer of emotions using say, humor (see #3) can do it. On the other hand, if its your girls fault – like say she decided to scream on somebody because they were “looking at her like they knew her” (which is hoodrat behavior, by the way) – then just leave her ass exactly where you found her. I’m usually of the mind that if you pick her up, it is your responsibility to return her from whence she came. However, if she ALSO feels the same way, except from whence you came is on some ashes to ashes, dust to dust mess, well, all bets are off.

Hopefully she doesn’t know where you live.

5. Have enough family and friends with sketchy pasts to do all of your dirty work for you.

Of course, this requires them to be on call 24/7 and able to get there at the drop of a hat, which is highly unlikely. However, if this is at all possible, make it so. This way, you can protect your brand (and record) and your loyal-to-a-fault family can exercise their ignorance. It’s a win-win for everybody involved.

And if your girl wonders why you always get other people to fight your (physical) battles…leave her. She’s probably a hoodrat.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Mommas and The Poppas

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You know, I used to say that I refused to date a(nother) woman with “daddy issues.” Though difficult to define, “daddy issues” are as easy to spot as Shaquille O’Neal in a swarm of midget Spanish ninjas. Or porn. With absentee fatherism and all around Blackness at an all time high, the complaints of neglect or the constant testing to prove one’s love linger as remnants of a past failed parental relationship surface.

Something I’ve learned, however, is that even women with fathers who are present and accounted for in their lives still manage to have these “daddy issues”. This has always confused me as I’d assumed that women with present fathers just had to be more balanced and more emotionally stable than those without. Right? Right?

Wrong. Who knew? And here I thought relationships in the Black community were going the way of the condor because of rap music. Who knew that parenting had as much to do with one’s development as hip-hop. Damn you LL.

But I digress.

Apparently fathers have been wreaking havoc on relationships for eons. And unless Obama wins the Presidency, will probably continue to do so.

And let’s be clear here, I’m well aware that many men out there are screwed up when it comes to relationships. And a large part of it is the lack of a positive male-female example. Many men don’t know how to treat women and its because there was nobody to actually show them (us) what to do. Men have both mommy and daddy issues. Hell, the whole concept of being a mama’s boy is a “mommy issue”. If your mother becomes your wife, and you’re not in West Virginia or Montana, you likely have a problem.

Or our lack of emotional communication. I don’t ever actually remember my mother ever telling me to be more open and communicative. Then again, my dad isn’t exactly a big talker. No wonder I can clam up when it comes to having to express emotions and feelings. Sorry baby.

Obviously, children’s faults in life are largely the sum total of all of our parents mistakes. There’s no way in hell that our future relationships don’t suffer when all we have to witness of relationships are the failings of some of our parents. Most of us meander through life trying to figure out why we think the way we do or why all of our relationships have the same issues. We usually are able to figure out at some point that the very problems we bring to our relationships are the same things we witness our parents going through.

It sure as hell is hard to figure out how to go right when all you’ve seen in life is wrong. Now I know that it’s wholly possible to enter into and maintain a substantial and positive relationship even if you’re the product of a home that’s more broken than the prosecution in the R. Kelly trial.

But I have to wonder, people of VSB.com, how hard do you think it is to overcome your own family while creating a new one? Do you believe in the concept of “daddy issues?” I’ve had women tell me that they don’t exist, while exhibiting every possible issue I’d associate with the term. More importantly…

…who has more of a direct impact on our relationships in the future, mommy or daddy?

-VSB P

P.S. Every now and then we do get serious around here at VSB.com

P.P.S. Also, I’m in cahoots with a clique of people reppin’ that Exchange Blocc of the Muxtape Set Gang. Check out our muxtape online at http://exchange.muxtape.com. This week’s topic was Teenage Love Affair so all the songs reflect all the participants favorite songs from our lovestruck teens years…ya know, before cynicism set in. Check it out…