Tag Archives: michelle obama

six things i’ve thought about tiger woods, elin nordegren, and golfgate

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itr__1235647290_Tiger_Woods,_Elin_Nordegren_&_

1. a nurse at a hospital for albino roaches. the guy who rocks the michelin man costume outside of the jiffy lube on penn avenue every monday afternoon. the head dishwasher at tuesday’s state dinner. the person from alcoa in charge of nicky minaj’s ass-upkeep.

these are just a few of the things i’d rather be than a global celebrity. while the perks of fame and fortune are definitely attractive, i can’t fathom gaining them at the expense of losing the ability to keep even a modicum of privacy. while none of us know exactly what went on in tiger’s driveway thursday night, we can all bet on the fact this story will be perpetually regurgitated and recycled at least until 2010.

i even felt kind of bad for tiger for a minute last weekend, at least until i remembered that the number of square feet his home sits on is bigger than my yearly salary.

with that being said…

2. between shelly o’s ascension from national prominence to world icon, golfgate, and the steve mcnair incident, the whole “black men with money are better off with non-black women because they’re easier to deal with” argument has had a worse 2009 than kanye’s hair

3. apparently elin nordegren is a big jazmine sullivan fan. who knew?

4. i’m not a fan of calling people f*cking f*gs (no mcclurkin), but any grown-ass man pouting about the domestic battery double standard between the typical public reaction about golfgate and the chris brown case probably deserves that title.

yeah, yeah, yeah. i know hitting and scratching and busting blasian cats upside the head with titanium putters is wrong, regardless of gender. and, an episode of ‘law and order: special victims unit’ i caught on the usa network last year taught me that male spousal abuse is a very serious issue.

but, come on, man. you can’t compare an (approximately) 5’8′, 115 pound woman getting her ass kicked by a man who’s six inches and 60 pounds of muscle bigger with the world’s most dominant athlete getting chased out of his thirty-two million square foot crib at 2 in the morning by a swedish nanny, and you especially can’t use this as your basis for why “some b*tches need their asses kicked” (overheard in my barbershop saturday afternoon. admittedly though, while i don’t agree with the sentiment behind his statement, i do agree that some b*tches do need their asses kicked)

5. as of monday, november 30th, 2009, the list of black male celebrities who’d get the least amount of R.A.U.S.A.S (“relationship acrimony unconditional sympathy and support“) points with sistas reads as…

1. tiger woods. 2. michael jordan. 3. wesley snipes. 4. kobe bryant. 5 (tie). taye diggs, terrence howard, and that n*gga who played the father in ‘precious’

6.  as of monday, november 30th, 2009, i’ve officially filed “since i’m not a billionaire, i don’t think i’d have any chance of getting the benefit of the doubt if any random legal mess occurred” as reason #137 on the champ’s list of “137 really non-racist reasons why i never have and most likely never will date a white woman”

—the champ

the bad rap: 4 unnecessary and undeserving villains of the black community

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tyra

“…and fake b*tches like beyonce and tyra banks need not apply”

–seen on a friend of a friend’s facebook profile last weekend, sandwiched somewhere between a “set it off” movie poster and an excessively airbrushed photo of benjamin bratt.

while we’ve already documented the peculiar feelings born from the idea 0f beyonce, the animus many hold towards tyra banks seems to be just as intense, and i’ve never really understood it. Continue reading →

link of the week: the choice is yours

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USA-POLITICS/OBAMA

we’ve heard the story ad nauseum

boy meets bonita. boy likes bonita. bonita likes boy, but despite boy’s good enunciation and earning potential, doesn’t like him like that due to boy’s unimpressive height, melanin, swagger, and lack of ability to properly recite and recall lyrics from the blueprint. boy moves on, meets bianca, blair, and botswana, and rinses, washes, and repeats with each to same results.

boy meets becky. becky offers easy benevolence and easier flat blond back. excessively backed up boy bones sh*t out of becky, breaking flat back and immediately becomes becky’s black buck boyfriend. months later, now banker boy buys brand new benz, beeming bleached alabaster veeners while brandishing becky at black bike week. a brooding and barren bonita beholds this, berates boy beneath bated breath and unabashedly blasts boy at bi-quarterly zeta phi beta bbq.

although usually dismissed as an urban legend told by mundane black men who feel that courteousness should equal automatic coochie, in “what single women can learn from michelle“, jenee desmond harris writes that barry o could have very easily been the aforementioned boy if not for young chelly robinson’s insight

“She must have focused on an abundance of goodness instead of his hint of goofiness and fixated on a warm smile instead of a pair of oversized ears. It’s easy to see now that he was a great catch, but how many of us would have been open to this guy who strayed so far from the black Prince Charming ideal, starting with his very name?”

before i continue, i have to say that i don’t entirely agree with her premise or david swerdlick’s strange rebuttal.

i mean, even the most superficially discriminatory young black women i know aren’t gonna continually dismiss the harvard law grad beating down their door. plus, and lets be real, although she’s definitely a stunning and charming woman now, michelle obama aint exactly the second coming of cleopatra. i doubt anyone, including her, thought she was settling or slumming when accepting barack’s advances.

despite this, the latent points remain true:

barack obama has replaced hill harper as the patron saint of bandwagon attraction, and when it comes to dating and relationships, we (black men and women) consistently value the wrong sh*t…

…or not.

who knows?

i do know, though, that i’ve heard this all before, and i’m sure you have to0.

since today’s about hope and change and sh*t, tell me, people of vsb.com, what the hell is the right sh*t?

—the champ

link of the week: chelly o and the “angry” black chick conundrum

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“its funny yo”

my friend replied, when i asked him about some of the differences between the burgh (he’s a grad student at the university of pittsburgh) and philly (his hometown)

“i never was really around this many white people before, and it took me a while to get used to em…especially the women”

when i asked him to expound, he remarked,

“when i first got here, i assumed every white chick i met was trying to f*ck me. thing is, i just wasn’t used to chicks being happy and smiling all the time. usually, when a sista is nice to you or smiling, it means she’s digging you. with white women, it seems like thats just the way they are”

the topic of the angry/melancholy/choleric/easily annoyed/indignant black woman is one as synonymous to american culture as jazz, apple pie, baseball, and drunk snizzles…an ambivalence breeding topic that cultivates tons of questions.

is it a destructive stereotype or slightly exaggerated truth? a dangerous myth or a legitimate fact? hyperbole or honesty? are women of other races given the benefit of the doubt? if a black women shows the same traits as an “assertive“, “pensive“, or “focused” white, latina, or asian woman, is she labeled “bitter“, “mysterious“, or “aloof“?

if true, if most black women do carry shaq sized boulders on their shoulders, are there legitmate reasons for this? when considering the many uphill battles they face, do black women have to stay, to quote one of my cousins “aggresively guarded to stay sane”?

also, since men are typically attracted to “soft”, pleasant, compassionate, and affectionate women, how much does the angry black chick dynamic impact the dating scene?

for those with angry black chick discussion fatigue…sorry. (God-willing) in a couple months, one of the inhibitants of the white house will be a (then) 45 year old black woman who has already had the entire perfunctory “how to label a black woman” kit thrown at her by many detractors, with “unpatroitic” and “elitist” added for good measure…so those tired of this discussion better find they asses a second wind.

damn. i asked a ton of questions. people of vsb…what are your answers?

—the champ