PSA: 5 Rules of Public Restroom Etiquette

public restroomI know a lot of people swear they don’t use the bathroom at work.  Quite frankly I think they’re full of sh*t.

Pun.

The fact is, everybody at some point ends up having to use a public restroom.  Nobody likes doing this, but it is a necessary evil (as somebody pointed out yesterday).  Since it’s a necessity, wouldn’t the world be a better place if there were rules of common decency that everybody was forced to abide by?  Better yet, what if they were actually enforceable?

I’m getting excited just thinking about it.

Well, lucky for you, Panama is a humanitarian whose sole wish in this life is to heal the world and make it a better place, for you and for me and the entire human race.  Without the intense physical facial deformity and all.

So because I love you, here are some rules to this sh*t, this public restroom sh*t  (by the way, I wrote me a manual). Continue reading

Just How Far Would YOU Go?

dogsniffingParanoia is a motherf*cker.  It causes you do all kinds of things.  Just ask T.I.  That dude had an arsenal of guns that would make Saddam Hussein jealous because he was paranoid that folks were trying to kill him.

I mean, he had ARMY guns.

Now, a little paranoia can be healthy.  Just like many women can appreciate a man who gets somewhat jealous.  (This has often caused me problems in life because I’m the least jealous dude ever.  I live by the Goldie/The Mack rule, “You know the rules of the game.  Your b*tch chose me.”  My life has always just seemed simpler that way.  Ahem.)  But unchecked paranoia and suspicion can make you do all kinds of things.

Things like what, oh great-italicized P?

Glad you asked.

We all know some chick (or dude for that matter) who’s sat outside somebody’s house trying to see if their boo was going to show up.  Or nowadays, what with advances in technology, know folks checking Google Earth trying to locate their S.O.s juuuust in case they might have forgotten to mention that one pit stop they intended to make.

I’ve always thought it to be slightly insane to remain with somebody if you had to delve into the S.W.A.T. team manual in order to determine whether or not they were cheating on you.  I mean, hell, think about all of the unnecessary energy that you’re expending for what is essentially a fruitless cause.  Either you’re right and mad, or you haven’t found what you’re looking for yet.  Face it, if you think they’re cheating, in your mind, they are and you’re just waiting to catch their ass.  But why stay anway?

Oh what a tangled web we weave.  And horsehair ain’t no joke either.

Paranoia.

Which brings me to my point.  Courtesy of what I think is one of the most complex movies in the history of complexity, Baby Boy (this is all revisionist and based on how much fodder there is for actual relationship discussions of all types, not just romantic, we’re talking familial, romantic, spatial, gangster, thug, unstable creaturism, the list really goes on…) comes one of the oddest means of determining whether your man’s cheating or not.

Take a gander, a goose if you must:

Yvette:  You been f*ckin’ around?

Jody:  Nope.

Yvette:  Let me smell your d*ck.

Jody:  Go on with that bullsh*t.

Yvette:  If you ain’t been whoring around, let me smell your d*ck.

So I have a few questions here.  For one, do non-hood-rat chicks actually do this?  Let’s even say you don’t have the ignorant convo up front but do it on the sly.  Is this ACTUALLY a means that women use?  I know some pretty hood women and have polled women I know and I was amazed by the amount of women who have said they’d be willing to stoop that low.

No pun intended.

Which once again, I have to ask, why?  If you think you man is cheating, so much so that you’re gonna do a sniff test on his ass, you probably would do best to just roll on.  Plus, I’m not mature enough to NOT thump you in the head one good time just for being down there on some negativity.

But perhaps that’s just me, though I suspect I am not a lone like Michael Jackson song accompanied by a video featuring the daughter of Elvis Presley.

(BTW, the Washington Redskins suuuuuuuuuuck.  Thank you.)

With all that said, good people of VSB, to what lengths have you gone to determine if your significant other was cheating on you?  Would you women do a sniff test?  Are you insane?  And who’s getting DJ Hero like I am????

Inquiring minds would like to know.

Just how far would you go to find out if somebody was cheating on you?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Blackness 101: 10 Things All Black People Should (At Least) Be Aware Of…

Barnes_Ernie_SUGAR_SHACKClearly grammar should be on this list since you’re not supposed to end a sentence (or a title?) with a preposition, but oh well.

Bumaye Panama.

I can’t believe we haven’t done this.  We’ve done movies that all Black people should know.  We’ve done songs that all Black people should know.  We’ve beat into the ground the Black in America series.  For goodness’ sake, we’ve mentioned Flavor Flav on this site at least 100 times.  It only seems natural that putting out the definitive list of all things that Black people should (at least) be aware of would be the order of the day.  But no.

I blame Jim Jones Lil Mama Kanye for this Shawne Merriman Chad Ochocinco Whitney Houston little orphan Annie Lil Wayne for this.

Anywho, I feel that the canon of Blackness needs some kind of direction.  And who better than yours truly, the expert on all things expertly to provide some guidance into things that pretty much should be par the course for all people of the diaspora regardless of class, religion, orientation, or grade of hair.

And so it begins…10 Things All Black People Should (At Least) Be Aware Of… Continue reading

Oh No He Didn’t: 7 Surprise First Dates You Should Never Take a Black Woman On.

mini-hair3

**I think today’s the last day to vote for the Black Weblog 2009 awards.  Since I’m Black, I actually forgot to vote my d*mn self.  Ain’t that a shame.  Spend all that time telling other people to vote and forgetting to do it myself.  Anyway, get thee to the voting booth and vote for Very Smart Brothas in the categories up there to the right. If not for us, do it for the children.  And Whitney. And yes, this should be the last you hear of this.  Thank goodness. **

One of the best things a man can do to impress a woman early on is to surprise her.  The only thing women love more than an LOL :)) text is a surprise.  Of course, men love surprises too unless the surprise starts with “i’m late” and ends with “…gonna be a daddy.”

Something about that particular surprise just doesn’t take you to your happy place.

Anyway, one of the best surprises you can pull is to take a woman on a first date that she doesn’t expect.  Picnics, parasailing, a hot-air balloon, Compton, you know, something out of the ordinary. If you take a woman out and keep her guessing, and she ends up at a place she hasn’t been before or sees something she’s never seen before, then she might turn around and do things she’s “never done” before.  It’s a total win-win for everybody.

However, this can also go very, very badly.  How bad?  Real bad, Micheal Jackson.  As in Conrad Murray bad.  Especially when dealing with Black women.  You see, Black women have special needs and circumstances that must be accounted for when planning a surprise date.  Blame it on slavery.  Blame it on the rain.  Hell, blame it on the al-al-al-al-co-hol.  Fact is, there are just certain roads you do not want to go down with Black women, first date or last date.  So, given our crime-fighting credo-here at VSB, and our staunch pro-survivial-of-the-species stance, here are 7 surprise first dates that you should NEVER take a Black woman on. Continue reading

Career Moves 101

HereLiesBuried“…dead rappers get better promotion…” ~ Jadakiss, “We Gonna Make It”

It’s been a little over a month since Michael Jackson died.

R.I.P.

Since he died there have been beaucoup stories about the life he lived and where he went wrong.  And despite my uber-bias towards MJdom, I can admit that his career essentially peaked almost 30 years ago.  And still, MJ’s going to go down as the greatest entertainer ever – but with detractors.  But imagine if he had died say…after the Bad album.

Or hell, even Dangerous. Continue reading