Tag Archives: men

Building The Perfect (Wo)Man

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“So basically, all women want a 6’4”, God-fearing, well-endowed, faithful (ha!), funny, brolic, charcoal-skinned neurosurgeon/hedge fund manager from the Newark slums. Oh, and he can’t own a Dodge Charger either. Anything but a Charger”

—a conglomeration of every comment left by each and every man in this week’s “The Short End Of The Stick: Women, Height Preferences, and Hypocrisy” and “The 10 Men You Should Never, Ever, Ever Consider Dating”

“We women just can’t win. We were already too tall or too short, too thin or too fat, too smart or too stupid, and too chaste or too cock-hungry, too independent or too marriage-minded. Now, we can’t even ask for a man who’s not a midget? You men are lucky I hate the way p*ssy tastes, because if I didn’t, I’d be L-Wording it up right now, word to Jennifer Beals”

—a conglomeration of every comment left by each and every woman in this week’s “The Short End Of The Stick: Women, Height Preferences, and Hypocrisy” and “The 10 Men You Should Never, Ever, Ever Consider Dating”

Since it’s obvious that absolutely no one is winning in this dating game — and since I’m an altruistic and magnanimous motherf*cker — I’ve decided to clear the slate. Today, we’re all going to start from scratch. Well, we’re gonna sort of (but not really) start from scratch. (Actually, what we’re going to do today isn’t “starting from scratch” in the slightest, but since I couldn’t think of a more suitable idiom, “starting from scratch” it is!)

Here’s the deal: Between our height, hair, complexion, class, “swag,” and sexiness issues, we  — black men and women — are filled with enough standards-of attraction-based angst to choke a team of walruses, and we need a little catharsis; a purging that’ll allow us to bury our ghosts of standards past once and for all.

How exactly will we do this? Well, this is our day to be as shallow, superficial, silly, self-centered, and selfish as possible, without any fear of judgment, side-eye, or throat-punches. The task? Build your “perfect” man or woman from scratch, taking favorable attributes from others (famous or not) to create your own personal Freakinstein.

You want your woman to have Esther Baxter’s body with Esther Rolle’s self-esteem? Fine! Does you man need to be packing pipe like Lex Steele, stacking dough like Mark Zuckerberg, and cracking jokes like Chocolate Drop? Great! Be my guest! Funny like Angela Nissel, fine like Angela Bassett and freaky like Angela Lansbury? (Don’t front like you didn’t know why the show was called “Murder She Wrote.” Three words: Angela’s killer p*ssy.) Great!

Your Freakinstein has no time-constraints, either. If you want, say, Pam Grier’s nipples in 1972 on circa 1930′s Lena Horne’s breasts, go right ahead! Richard Roundtree’s shaft, George Gervin’s fingers, and Kunta Kinte’s limp? Perfect!

The cathartic carpet is yours!

—The Champ

If you haven’t purchased the paperback or the $9.99 Kindle version of “Your Degrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime” yet, what the hell is stopping you?

Things You’ve Always Wanted To Know About Men And Sex

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Why do you keep putting your sharp and ashy fingers down there?

As most of my friends, family, neighbors, and former concubines know, I’m prone to occasional bouts of unprompted altruism. I ask random white people if they need help with their taxes. I volunteer for blood drives, brain scans, and police photo arrays. I’ve eaten Delta p*ssy. I’ve taken stray cats to Burger King, treating them to fries and Oreo milkshakes. I even smoked a little crack in the summer of 2004 just so I could better understand Shawn Kemp’s plight.

Since this is true, it should come to no surprise that last weekend– with Lady Champ’s “permission” (and by “with Lady Champ’s permission” I mean “Lady Champ had no idea I was doing this”) –  I randomly polled a bunch of women I know, asking them if they had anything they always wanted to know about men and sex.

The best questions (and accompanying answers) are below.

Why is it so difficult for men who just want to f*ck to just come out and say “I just want to f*ck” instead of playing games?

As any half-way decent to decent ballplayer will tell you, attempting to play with someone who clearly can’t play isn’t just an exercise in futility…it’s a threat to your life. Why? Well, basketball’s improvisational nature depends on a certain harmony of movement; an ever shifting equilibrium dependent on each player’s court sense and knowledge of the game.

And, from an offensive player’s perspective, much of what you do is predicated on what you assume the defense will do to stop you. You ball fake because you know it’s going to make the defense shift. You hit your man with an “in and out” — a fake crossover dribble — to set him up for the real crossover you’ll give him the next possession.

Thing is, when you’re playing with someone who doesn’t know what the f*ck they’re doing, all of your moves, basketball knowledge, court sense, and wisdom becomes completely moot. They don’t go for your fakes because they don’t know they’re supposed to go for your fakes, so you’re just as likely to headbutt them and concuss yourself as shake them.

From a sexual standpoint, men and women have the same type of harmony seen in wise ball players. The dating and mating game is built on a complex matrix of timing, desire, libido, and opportunity, and we (men) have spent our entire adult lives learning how to navigate these murky waters. But, these years of accumulated knowledge have left us ill-equipped to face a woman who’s either impervious to the “What do I have to do to trick you into f*cking me?” game or refuses to play it at all. And, rather than read and react, we usually just try to do the same fake crossover moves on all women, even if she’s already proved she just wants to take your ball(s) and run.

Is it really true that sex is the sole motivating factor behind everything men do?

Yes. And by “Yes” I mean, well, “Yes.”

Do guys really want to f*ck every girl in the world?

Yes. The difference between “mo” (“mo” = “male ho”) and guy who’s not a mo is that the guy who’s not a mo just doesn’t act on those desires. But, the desire’s present in all of us, and Weezy truly is a prophet from Mars.

Put it this way. I’m writing this while sitting in a coffee shop a block away from my place, and I can say with all honesty that — if opportunity, society, and Lady Champ allowed this sort of thing — I’d sleep with at least 50% of the women sitting in here. I’m not going to, obviously, but I’d be lying if I said that thought hasn’t crossed my mind. (It would have been 62.5%, but I don’t do Korean lesbians anymore. Too time consuming, and too much pressure.)

After all the porn that men watch, can you tell me why only 5% of you actually know where the clit is?

Wait…what the hell is a clit? Is that the proper medical term for baby hair? The secret ingredient for Bobby Flay’s  guacamole? The store where Christina Hendricks gets her bras? You sure that wasn’t a typo?

Seriously though, on the day 9 out of 10 women can actually point to a diagram of a vagina and tell you exactly where the clit is, you can commence with the clitoral GPS questions. Until then, just be happy that we haven’t mistaken it for a chitlin.

Ladies, you gave us answers last week. Now it’s time for the questions. Can you think of anything else you’ve ever wanted to know about men and sex?

Oh and fellas, don’t wait for me. Please feel free to answer any of the ladies’ queries.

—The Champ

Ladies, We Need Answers

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"Like I said, the answer is 'the cookie'. Wait, what was the question? Oh. Doesn't matter, protect your cookie. From Cookie Monster. He blue."

One of the great things about VSB is that its  a forum for a lot of women to gain insight into what men think. And not just The Champ and myself, but the various brohams that venture here and offer perspectives on any and everything under the sun, from pulpit pimpin’ to sweater puppy management. We generally go in like two gay guys at a Prince concert with Drake as the opener.

Because of this, we get a lot of questions seeking advice, guidance, and help with various situations from women. This makes sense and we’re always glad to oblige seeing as our goal is to reduce crime in the world. But you know what? We have questions at times too. While we may have a very good idea about most things, there’s nothing like hearing an answer from the horses mouth. Which is actually why ninety percent of all relationship advice starts and ends with: maybe you should talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend.

Most smart enough people with common sense and even a minute ability to observe their surroundings should be able to answer most relationship related questions but you just never know really. With that said, we spend so much time hearing from us and about why we think everything is such and such, I figured today, I’d query our wonderful community about a few questions that a lot of men would have if we ever thought to ask questions.

Also, I’m sure I could find answers to a lot of these by going to a website run by a woman who writes about relationships, but real talk, when your commenters give good community, why leave home? So here are some questions that I’d like to know the answers too lady.

1. Why do women get so upset when exes reach out shortly after a break to see how you all are doing?

I had a convo with a homegirl about this one today and she basically asked me, “what’s the point?” Unless dude is calling to say he made a mistake there’s no reason to call and interrupt her healing and attempting to get over the dude. As a guy, a lot of guys do just call to see how y’all are doing. It has no greater point. Which could be the problem. I don’t know. I got one hangin’ and two swangin’.

2. Do women really not like it when their man is having a lot of fun without her?

Kevin Hart said this in his Seriously Funny special. And I tend to think its true. But maybe I’m wrong. I’ve always suspected that women hated it when their man was out having a ball, in like Vegas or something where as men are constantly pushing their women to go have fun with their girls and stuff. We want you to get out without us and it seems like many women never do. My experience has shown me that women go into killjoy mode. Any truth there ladies?

3. Is there anything universally that a man can do that will make a woman instantly breakup with him?

Seems like women will attempt to work out any and everything. Not that it will be smooth sailing but cheating can be worked out. Murder can be worked out. Finding out your woman cheated on you is nearly universally grounds for a breakup amongst men. Just like throwing a skillet at my mother’s head. That will get you shorted. I’m curious.

4. Speaking of working things out, do women always think its the man who’s not working hard enough to fix the problems?

Most of us menfolks tend to think that women severely lack in the accountability department. Are we wrong? Do women realize when they’re f*cking up but just don’t like to let us know?

5. Why exactly do women ask questions like “you want to hit me?” after doing something that would obviously be worthy of a beat down? Like, why even ask that question?

I’m baffled by this.

6. Do women ever get over hating an ex that dumped her to the point that she doesn’t actively wish ill will up on him?

Seems like women tend to hold on to significant exes in such a way that they want them to suffer for not realizing how great they were. Thing is, men maybe don’t deal with our issues very well, but we pretty much let y’all arses go. Or so it seems.

Ladies, the floor is yours. Help us out. Like Anthony Hamilton so poignantly said, “why?”

Fellas, let’s get all of our questions out there. What do you want to ask the boobed massive of VSB?

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Collateral Damage: What Happens When Women Only Dig Men Who Just Aren’t That Into Them

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When first hearing about the recent Harvard University/University of Virginia study that showed women to be more interested in and attracted to men if they don’t know whether this interest and attraction is reciprocated, my first thought was “Thank you, Captain Obviouses. Anything else you all need to tell me? Did a corresponding team of nutless monkeys also study whether it hurts when you spray Frank’s Hot Sauce in your eyes?”

Seriously, from the club and the existence of the close bus to “He’s Just Not That Into You” and the entire premise of “What Chilli Wants,” life and pop culture are filled with numerous examples of proof that many women tend to only get turned on by men who wouldn’t piss on them if they were on fire.

But, while this study rehashes a perpetually recycled point, it did inspire a few questions, most notably…

“Well, we already know that many women only dig men who just aren’t that into them. But, how does that affect everyone else? Most importantly, is there any collateral damage, and what exactly would that collateral damage be?”

I was feeling especially smart yesterday, so I tried to answer my own questions.

1. Men who do actually dig these women begin to think that they need to mimic the characteristics of the “liked” guys in order to get liked back, and they’re right to believe that. Only problem is that many of them adopt the wrong characteristics, get more frustrated, and get “unliked” even more.

This happens everyday.

Boy meets Girl at annual Delta Sigma Theta Tanqueray Drink-a-Thon. Boy’s into Girl, but Boy gets the feeling that Girl is about as enthusiastic about him as Cromartie is to condoms, and Boy is right. The only chance Boy has of getting between Girl’s sheets is if he hide in her laundry basket. Despite this, Boy stupidly allows himself to stay cool with Girl, and eventually becomes the de facto limp-d*cked shoulder to lean on as Girl gets played by guy after guy. Boy notices this, and begins to act distant and antagonistic towards girl — mimicking the characteristics of the guys Girl is interested in. Thing is, Boy doesn’t realize that Girl allows these guys to be distant and antagonistic because she’s interested in them. Basically, they have carte blanche to be assholes because they have other attractive qualities. Boy misinterprets this, though, and goes from “unattractive” to “unattractive asshole.” Frustrated, unliked, and stll celibate, Boy dons peacock feathers and sings “Eff You” at 2011 Grammy Awards.

2. Women begin to lose faith in all men…not just the ones who don’t want them.

You know, there’s a name for the type of person who’d write off an entire group of people just because a few of these people disappointed them, even though this endless disappointment is largely their fault. And by, “You know, there’s a name for the type of person who’d write off an entire group of people just because a few of these people disappointed them, even though this endless disappointment is largely their fault.” I mean “Women are crazy.”

3. The women who actually do like the guys mentioned in #1 — men who harbor unreciprocated affections for certain women — begin to resent the women these men harbor the unreciprocated affection for.

Quite possibly the most ironic(?) effect of the women only digging men who don’t really dig them phenomenon is the fact that this woman’s actions will eventually cause other, less sought after, women to resent them. But, while this sentiment may seem like 80 proof haterade on the surface, it’s more a sense of “Bitch, do you realize how hard you’re making it for all of us because your silly ass is still caught up with Floyd Mayweather???”

4. Guys used to women they’re lukewarm about going gaga over them start treating all women with the same general sense of apathy and subtle disdain.

Basically, you create new Diva Dudes; an entire batch of tuxedoed-for-no-good-gotdamn-reason assholes free to infest happy hours, game nights, and mixers with their excessively initialed stench. Ah Phooey!

Anyway, people of VSB.com, do you think women are more likely to be into men who really aren’t that into them? If so, why? Also, ladies: do you get annoyed when you see other women playing and dismissing perfectly good dudes for assholes?

Lastly, do you agree that this phenomenon has quite a few peripheral effects, and is this just an accepted part of the game? If a black blogger asked a bunch of contrived questions in the woods, would Chilli chase him down?

The carpet is yours.

—The Champ

You’re Really Not All That Special (That’s okay, though. Neither is anyone else)

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Sorry ladies, but you have much more in common with her than you probably want to believe

“It’s really not surprising at all.”

“Why not?”

“Well, she’s a female human being—a woman. And, as far as I know, female human beings are entirely predictable. She reacted exactly how most women would have reacted in that situation.”

(The actual identity of “she” and the situation that prompted this discussion is insignificant. Just know that “she” did something that completely shocked my friend, who assumed that “she” wasn’t the type of woman to do something like that. I didn’t make that same assumption)

“Whatever.”

“Was that an “I’m done with this bullsh*t argument” whatever or a “I’m saying ‘whatever’ because I’ve been stumped and can’t think of any thing else to say” whatever”?

“Neither. It was a “If you were a man, I’d punch you in the mouth” whatever.”

“Cool.”

“Seriously though, by saying that women are completely unable to surprise you, you’re implying that all women are pretty much the same, right?”

“Right.”

“You don’t really believe that, do you?”

“Well, I was genuinely surprised by the size of Monica Calhoun’s ass in “The Players Club”¹. And, since I’ve never slept with Mila Kunis, I’d be completely surprised if she sent me an email tomorrow morning saying that she was five months pregnant with my child. But, I don’t know. I just don’t think that you all (women) are really all that different from each other. Are you all exactly the same? No. But, for a gender made up of millions of members who tend to define themselves by their “uniqueness,” you all seem to come from a set of maybe 9 different templates. That’s it. Every single one of you fits into one of those archetypes. Archeologists will unearth an ancient species of disproportionally well-endowed Cyclops dwarfs before anyone “discovers” a new type of woman. And, once you’ve met enough representatives from each of the nine types, you begin to notice trends, and these trends help you predict things. You can probably say the same thing about men too, i guess.”

(Actually, Max at Max Logic already did say the exact same thing about men. Read it if you get the chance. Also, don’t worry about a breakdown of the actual “types”, or even the number of types. 9 is an arbitrary number. I could have said “6″ or “13″. All that matters is that everybody, male and female, comes from one of several very common templates. There are no mold breakers, outliers, or anomalies in this regard.)

“Oh, I’d definitely say the same thing about men. I’ve met like 5,000 different men in my life, but I seem to keep meeting the same five guys”

“Exactly! You’re starting to see the light, grasshopper.

“LOL. That’s what she said.”

“I see that you still haven’t fully grasped the science behind when and where “that’s what she said” jokes are appropriate, and that’s mildly disappointing. I obviously still have a ton of work to do with you”

(Question: I am the only one who thinks that an appropriately timed “That’s what she said” joke is NEVER not funny? I even muttered it under my breath yesterday to the elderly lady at Urban Active who said “That’s alot. I don’t know if I could handle all of that” while deciding how much ginseng to put in my smoothie. It’s not a game with my “That’s what she said” game)

“Whatever. I thought it was funny, and that’s all that counts.”

“Okay, grasshopper. Keep believing that.”

¹I was sooo serious with this statement, btw. Monica Calhoun’s surprisingly delectable behind has to rank up there with “What, Verbal Kent is Keyser Soze!!!!” on the list of “The Biggest Movie Surprises of All-Time”

—The Champ