"I'm smiling now, but if you bite my neck again, this'll be the last time we have pier sex"

One of the best (and worst) things about being an adult is the occasional realization that certain things you never wanted to believe to be true are, in fact, true. On a macro level, these realizations are good because they help you grow and see the world for what it truly is and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But, however good this knowledge may ultimately be, it still stings a bit to learn that you believed some wrong-ass shit.

In the past few years or so I’ve had (at least) two such realizations. One was already touched on by Panama last week in “Is This What Growed Up Feels Like?” But, while P admitted feeling a little ashamed that he was a fan of such ignant rap, I feel no such shame. I’ve stopped trying to explain how the misogyny, nihilism, and overall misandry present in much of popular rap — even rap made by “conscious” artists — is just some sort of postmodern social commentary reflecting on the trails and tribulations of post-industrial inner city society and finally admitted to myself that I just happen to like some ignorant-ass, vulgar-ass, violent-ass music that’s ignorant, vulgar, and violent for no reason. I’m not sure what exactly that says about me, but it’s about time I stopped trying to believe that wasn’t true.

The second realization wasn’t as easy to accept. I was either at my friend’s aunt’s house or outside of a greyhound station bathroom (can’t remember which) when I first remember hearing that “a man should love his wife a bit more than she loves him.”  In both instances, I was too busy making sure no improbably fast six-legged creatures crawled on my chicken to pay much attention to the phrase.

As the years passed, I began to hear it more and more, but it was never actually said with any type of sane explanation. A girl I dated in college once told me that her mom told her never to like a boy more than the boy likes her. When she asked her why, she apparently mumbled, shook her head, and said “because you don’t want to end up with the gout and worms like your grandmother, that’s why.”

Explanation or not, that sentiment just never really sat right with me. A relationship idealist, I believed that the best partnerships were formed when both parties fell in love simultaneously and loved each other equally. Plus, as a young man doing whatever the f*ck I needed to do to stay the hell away from any burgeoning relationship with “friend’s zone” potential, the idea that I need to be more into a woman than she was into me was an affront to my pride and the complete antithesis of everything I “learned” from the baseheads selling jumper cables outside of my barber shop through experience.

I don’t know exactly when or where I started to accept this sentiment as truth, but I do know today that it is undeniably, unequivocally, and uncomfortably true. Thing is, while (many) men seem to reject this sentiment because it seems to balance the dating and relationship scale in the woman’s favor, it’s actually necessary because that part of the game is already balanced in our favor. Us falling first and harder doesn’t do anything but even things out.

To wit, I’m assuming most of the thousands of men who will visit this blog today have been in at least one good relationship, and possibly more. I’m also going to assume that, in at least 50 percent of these relationships, the guy eventually “won” the woman over by “growing on” her. Basically, he was really feeling her, she was “eh” about him at first, but he eventually managed to somehow convince her that he was worth being with/sleeping with/swallowing, etc.

Now, if I were to ask how many of these men ended up happy with a woman that they were “eh” about at first until she convinced him that she was worth being with, I doubt I’d get many replies. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if I didn’t get any.

Because of certain sociological and biological factors largely out of our control, women aren’t really able to grow on men the same way we can grow on them, making it paramount that we (men) are the ones who show the most initial interest. Basically, while there’s a good chance that a good relationship can spring if a guy has grow on a chick, there’s absolutely no chance of it happening if the opposite occurs.

Also, another completely unscientific and unresearched theory to add to the rest of the completely unscientific and unresearched theories presented today is that men who aren’t head over hills about the woman they’re with are more likely to do things that “unsettled” men do — i.e., cheat, be non-committal, stay emotionally unavailable, etc.

Obviously, men in love do still do these things, but I just don’t think it happens as often as a man who doesn’t really feel like he put the time and effort into “winning” anybody. Just as women are more likely to value men who are wanted by other women but chose to pursue them, men are more likely to value the women they chose to attempt to win. It’s a truth I didn’t really want to admit, but I guess learning new shit is the best part about being a grown-up. (Actually, being able to drink moosetracks milkshakes for breakfast while sitting on your couch butt-naked and watching “Miller’s Crossing” without anyone saying a gotdamn thing is a pretty good part about being a grown-up, but that’s besides the point)

Anyway, people of VSB, do you think think it’s true that the best relationships happen when men fall in love a little harder and a little faster than the woman they’re with? (For some strange reason, I get the feeling that the responses will be split along gender lines. I may be wrong, though) 

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Notice that it's all men in this picture. White and Black men. All the women stayed home because they didn't trust anybody present.

(And yes, I intentionally spelled “trust” like that. Word to Public Enemy.)

In the past two days, I’ve had some fairly interesting conversations with some women I know about situations that their men might find themselves in. Yesterday’s post was one, but another one came up on Sunday that I found most gripping. Kind of like the defeat of the Packers of Green Bay at the hands of the Giants of New York.

But first, let me start with a simple premise: Women don’t trust men and women don’t trust other women. Women don’t trust anybody.

I’m finding this to be fact. Ask about me.

I find this theory most interesting since men are quick to say that all we have is our balls and our word, but we always believe in our boys. I’m curious what women fall back on? Their ovaries and their hair products? Their thong and their loofa?

Stupid? Probably. Let’s move on.

I’ve never heard a woman say that she trusted her girls beyond the shadow of a doubt. In fact, at least once a day throughout America and probably somewhere in the Carribbean, a chorus of, “I don’t trust that b*tch” can be heard from rooftops, back seats of jeeps, and text messages being read aloud by robotic white women. Seriously, why does anybody use the text to landline function? Creepy. But the message is always the same, and it could be their sister, friend, or stranger; women are quick to say that they “know women”. Apparently women are quick to attempt to get what they want at the hands of some unsuspecting at best or naive at worst man who is not smart enough to fend of the power of the box. Box power if you will. Don’t block the box.

Quick aside here. I’ve always found it troubling when women would tell me that “they know how women are.” It’s pretty much an admission of being universally f*cked up right? Individual women (such as the woman doing the talking) aren’t f*cked up, but the instituation of womanhood is conniving and trifling. It’s like white people and racism. I’m not saying that’s a personal belief, but that’s the implication that comes from so many women with that “I know how women are” comment. And if my woman is a woman, why should I trust her if she’s telling me that her institution is one rife with trife? What makes her so different?

Like it or not, that’s deep sh*t.

So women can’t trust men because we are apparently unable to resist temptation as a species which is why we get married and move to the suburbs. Or Iceland. Brazil is off limits. (Post coming.) Or because we give you all daily reminders of why we aren’t to be trusted via lying, stupidity, or downright ignorance. But women also aren’t to be trusted because women (again, these are words from women) are trifling and if they want something they are going to get it. Or make every attempt to get it, which would of course render the helplessly idiotic man helpless thus resulting in him cheating on his girl with “that b*tch” or at the very least getting caught up in some inappropriate behavior whether he intended it or not. And “that b*tch” could be any woman. She could be a chicks good friend or a total stranger. She could be a liger. Or a pair of Chinese thinking balls.

Point is, when it comes to her man, there’s no woman that she can trust because she desires him so other women must want and desire him as well. And she can’t trust her man because other women want and covet him too and we’re stupid. Unless, of course, she ensures that he doesn’t place himself in sticky situations – like driving in a car to work together, Yugo’s are way more romantic than previously thought by the Commies – since he’s likely to cheat because he’s not to be trusted or not smart enough to say no or overcome his humanity.

Or maybe, he can only be trusted to “be a man.”

So ladies, who in the hell do you actually trust?? You can’t fully trust your man. You definitely can’t trust your girls. Who in the hell do you trust?

Jesus????? Is that it?

Inquiring minds would like to know.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

PS: Peep Panama‘s post over at Sister2Sister, “Must he love you more for it to work?” on whether or not a man should love his woman more than she loves him. Interesting take if he does say so himself when he speaks in third person.

PPS: VSB recently teamed up with Coliseum Apparel to do a limited run of VSB branded crewneck sweaters. These joints are dope and I’ve already been rocking them about town. It’s still perfect weather for them as well. #teamVSB. Go on over to Coliseum Apparel’s site to check them out and cop you one! They’re going to go fast!!!!

I'm sorry. I really don't know what happened to me just now. Would it cheer you up if I made you some eggs? I know eggs can't replace sex, but they are some damn good eggs.

“And that is what I am slowly being enlightened about today. I genuinely had no idea guys worried that much about their women cheating.”

This was a comment left by veteran VSB-er WIP in Monday’s A Conversation About Double Standards And How “Reformed Homosexual Man” = “Promiscuous Woman.” It was a response to the assertion that the threat of female infidelity definitely affects how we  (men) act. And, to be clear, it’s not so much that men worry all day long about whether their mate is cheating on them. The angst and anxiety happen beforehand, as we’re much less likely to choose mates who give off a “Yeah, you’re probably not going to be enough for me” signal.

Anyway, WIP’s lack of awareness of this very real fear made me wonder if there were any other prominent fears held by (many) men that (most) women have absolutely no idea about, and I thought of four more.

2. Unknowingly raising a kid that’s not yours

While many men will willingly help raise the child(ren) of a woman who had kids before they met each other, the prospect of loving, supporting, and protecting a kid who was assumed to be our kid but really isn’t scares us worse than prison, urinal rats, and the thought of period sex with Lisa Lampanelli. In fact, this — the fear of raising a kid who isn’t yours — may be the main reason why “promiscuous woman anxiety” exists.

3. Wang failure at the worst possible time

If “wrong f*cking time wang failure” —- and, for clarity, wrong time wang failure is when you get a once in a lifetime opportunity (i.e.: for whatever reason, Stacey Dash wants you right now) and can’t perform — isn’t bad enough, making it worse is the fact that it’s largely psychosomatic and a self-fulfilling prophecy. Basically, sometimes wang failure occurs just because of how badly you want to sleep with and please this person. Your interest and excitement works against you. And, adding insult to injury, the more you think about it and want it, the less likely you’ll be able to reverse it. Perhaps God isn’t a woman, but studies like this definitely make me think he must be a Kappa.

4. Getting “bitched” or made to feel helpless in front of your woman or children

For those unsure of what i’m referring to, just watch this scene again

5. Unauthorized sperm theft

Out of all the fears, this one is the most irrational. I mean, there’s only like 16 men on the planet important enough that a woman would actually dig in the garbage to retrieve a used condom with the hope that the semen is still able to impregnate her, and I’m pretty sure none of these men read VSB. Also, there’s only like 16 women on the planet desperate and dastardly enough to do something like that, and I’m pretty sure none of the cast members of “The Real Basketball Wives of Hip-Hop” read VSB, either.

Still, despite the irrationality, it is a very real fear that some men have. I even have a friend who told me that, if sleeping with a woman at her house, he always takes the used condoms home. I didn’t have the stomach to ask how exactly he’s transporting them.

Anyway, fellas: Did I miss anything? Can you think of any other fears that women probably don’t know anything about? Also, ladies, is there anything you’re deathly afraid of that would surprise most men if we found out?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

***A (somewhat) paraphrased summary of a conversation I had with a female friend last week***

“I read your “Slut” post”

“Congrats!”

“Shut up.”

“What did you think?”

“You’re a semantics ho.”

“You always give me the best compliments.”

“That wasn’t a compliment. More like an assessment of how annoying your awkward principles are”

“Thanks!”

“Anyway, I see the point you made, and I agree…kind of, sort of. But, there are certain words that’ll never be cool. Bitch. C*nt. Kappa, etc. Slut is one of them. There’s just too negative history behind it.”

“Why are you bringing this up now?”

“Something about that discussion just rubbed me the wrong way. It wasn’t really the discussion itself, either. It’s just…I don’t know. I know that promiscuous women are  frowned upon by men, but I have trouble understanding why y’all n*ggas even care. I get the whole male ego thing, but if a woman is sleeping with you, devoted to you, and monogamous, why should it even matter how many men she’s slept with before she met you?”

“You kind of answered your question right there. I doubt that most adult men would dead a relationship with a woman who’s sleeping with, devoted to, and in love with him just because he found out that she’s been around the block more times than a mailman with dementia. Thing is, if he found out that information beforehand, he’d probably be less likely to want to get into a relationship with her”

“Why?”

“Because, many men feel that a woman who has been promiscuous is less likely to be devoted to him, monogamous, and capable of staying in love with him. Basically, it’s not as much about “being with someone everyone else has been with” as much as it’s about “The more men she’s been with, the less likely she is to be completely fulfilled by what I’m bringing to the table.” You really don’t “get the male ego thing” because this is all about ego.”

“Yea, I’ve heard that before, and I still don’t get it.”

“Get what?”

“The visceral dislike many men have of promiscuous women. I guess I understand why it matters. What I don’t get is why it seems to matter to y’all so damn much. Are all of you really that damn insecure?”

“Hmm”

“Why are you making that face?”

“I know you hate my analogies, but I have no choice but to make another one now.”

“Give it to me.”

“That’s what she said.”

“Huh?”

“Nevermind. Anyway, remember the conversation we had about homosexual men, and how you wouldn’t be able to be with a dude who’d done even one non-straight thing in the past — even if you knew the guy was devoted to you and monogamous?”

“Of course. I’m not special, though. Most women feel that way.”

“Exactly.”

“Exactly what? Will you stop speaking in f*cking code for once?”

“How you (most women) feel about “hetero” men who might have done something gay before is exactly how many (if not most) men feel about promiscuous women.”

“Apples and oranges. How do those things even compare? It’s nowhere near the same thing.”

“Maybe not, but how that knowledge makes the opposite gender feel and react is the same. The same reasons why many woman wouldn’t want to be with a guy with a homosexual past — the doubts she’ll have if she’ll ever be enough for him, the fact that she might not be able to help picturing him f*cking or getting f*cked by another man, etc — are the same things going through many men’s heads when thinking of promiscuous women.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“That’s ok. You don’t have to.”

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Yeah she shouldn't have talked about my mama...but that triple homicide may not have been the best response. Damn shame what they did to that dog.

Here’s a theory I’d like to posit for everybody to stew on:

When men take shots, people laugh and women say “I’ll get you back later!”; when women take shots, awkward silences ensue and it is highly likely that somebody might have to die.

Think about that for a minute.

See, it’s not that women who take shots are truly trying to hurt the men they’re dealing with. Actually, that’s not true at all. The women taking shots are usually going for the jugular because a man made a joke at her expense and everybody laughed. He says, “your cooking tasted like cardboard” people laughed and she got in her feelings and then she says, “well at least my mother wasn’t a whore. Like a real one too y’all. This ho determined how many new shoes they’d get for school based on how many blow jobs she’d given. What? Why you lookin at me like that. You know it’s true. Oh, you can’t take a joke when its directed at you? Double standard, hypocritical little d*cked b*tch!”

Yeah, it goes something like that.

It’s not that women aren’t good people. Obviously women are it’s just that men tend to keep jokes at that level. Even if we don’t love our women’s food, we’re still going to eat it because 1) we need to eat to live; and 2) good or bad cook, this is the woman we’re hitching our horse too. Women view certain jokes as an affront to their personage and then attempt to regain leverage…

…by blowing up the entire house. Everything goes from a 2 to a 10 when women decide to enter the Wu-Tang…or fray.

The fact that women always seem to make the biggest public spectacle of their bombshell jokes doesn’t help.

Which means that somebody might have to die. Maybe it’s because when men make jokes nobody takes us serious, but women ALWAYS sound serious when levying a joke that sounds more like a factual allegation. Or just going straight for a man’s most insecure space. Woe is us ladies. Such as?

Well here is a list of jokes that you shouldn’t make to a man lest you want somebody to possibly end up dead.

1. Tiny wang

Not sure why a woman in a relationship would call out her man in public about his wang length, “jokingly” but that’s a definite go to. And we all know how much false pride us menfolks tie to our wangs. Plus a man who’s been accused of having a wee wang is immediately in defend himself mode which means one of three things will happen: 1) he’ll whip it out on the table and say, “see, measure me b*tch”; 2) he’ll say something wildly inappropriate like, “well you weren’t saying that last night while you were choking on it” or “call your girl Trudy, she’ll vouch for me…remember?”; or 3) he’ll get irate, turn over a table and say “f*ck you b*tch” which will then require you to get upset and next thing you know a hockey game breaks out. This has no upside.

2. That he’s broke

Another surefire go to. Women like to hit where it hurts. He knows he’s broke. You couldn’t say that his tie selection was wacksauce? Nope. You said that he’s broke and outline things he can’t afford that you’d want. And of course you mention the tiny things like that KitchenAid mixer…not that $1K Tiffany’s bracelet that you really want. Oh wait, you’re saying that KitchenAid sh*t costs long dough. Oh wait you’re saying that women never ask for cheap sh*t. Well shut my mouth wide open.

3. His mama

This one should be fair game except women notoriously suck at the dozens. Women don’t make innocuous jokes, women say sh*t like, “well that’s why your mama can’t pay her bills and I’ve been paying them sh*ts for two months. Boom kat. What? Why are you looking at me like that? That’s funny, right…*looking towards audience at fully packed Tyler Perry play*? ” Double whammy.

4. Smanging his homeboy

See…as far as we know, women are loyal and tend to not rock the boat if they can help it. So when you jokingly tell us that you smashed the homie, well…it doesn’t sound like a joke. And now we have to go to our boy prepared to murder him. And who wants to do that? Plus with all of the paperwork…the admin work is just a nightmare by itself. No matter how many times you say, “Baby, I’m just playing” you’ve already planted that seed because well, who the f*ck makes a joke like that? Again…women go too f*cking far.

5. That he isn’t a real man

This one is probably the murkiest on this list, but women have a certain way of jokingly emasculating a dude. Of course if he’s got on an apron making cupcakes he’s fair game. However, re-visit the scene from Crash where Thandie Newton got felt up by the cop and Terrance Howard just watched. Let’s say 2 years later you all have moved on, but some random instance occurs and you say to your man, “well your b*tch ass did let me get felt up by a cop because you weren’t man enough to step to him! Ole b*tch n*gga. But you’re the man I chose to love. My mama told me about you. Oh well. Let’s go to Target.” Don’t be mad if your man kills a cop later that day on your behalf. I’m just saying.

So there’s the man list. What say you all? Make sense? What are other things you shouldn’t joke with a man about?

Open sesame.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. DON’T SHOOT ME aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

"You sure you don't want some Kool-Aid? I'll even get you some ice. And a pickle."

We’ve all been there before.

Girl invites boy over for movies, lukewarm purple Kool-Aid, and the unspoken assertion that, unless Boy shows up smelling like pickles or dressed like Chris Brown, Boy and Girl are going to have sex that night. Boy manages not to mess things up, and, lo and behold, the night ends with Boy and Girl making the beast with two backs. Boy and Girl have had sex with each other before, so this is no big deal. But, for whatever reason, sex seems to be a bit more intense tonight. The “mac and cheese” sound¹ is in full effect as moans are a little louder, growls are a little deeper, and the concept of time is a complete non-motherf*cking factor. Boy has a laser beam-like focus on Girl’s various spots, making Girl speak languages that have been dead for five centuries. When Girl eventually climaxes, the earth will shake, the moon will blush, and the ghosts of Ikea will place a phantom order to replace Girl’s soon to be broken bed. Girl enthusiastically lets Boy know that she’s 32 to 47 seconds away from orgasm, a statement that excites Boy and forces him hit spots with even more precision. Unfortunately, Boy becomes a bit too excited, and Boy climaxes right when Girl has hit the 5 to 8 second mark. Boy, realizing Girl’s thisclose to a cop calling orgasm, tries to finish the job, but isn’t erect enough to hit Girl’s spots anymore. Seconds later, Boy is completely flaccid. Boy rolls over, says “I’m sorry” and offers to get Girl some lukewarm Kool-Aid while Girl lays in bed and wonders if a female judge would acquit her if she happens to kill Boy but tells the judge her reasoning for the murder.

Regardless of age, color, creed, and feelings about Linsanity, every sexually active man reading this has “stopped short” before. We can’t help it. Even though we know that if we can hold off for just 10 more seconds your body will turn hot day fire hydrant, sometimes we’re just unable to stop.

Sure, there are certain ways to prolong things when this happens (i.e.: think about Kurt Cobain, switch positions, scream “Don’t move a gotdamn inch!!!!”, etc), but sometimes things reach a point of no return, and the woman’s near climax will be forever lost to the deep, dark, surprisingly damp, and surprisingly angry space in space where “close, but not quite orgasms” eventually settle.

Anyway, “stopping short” is just one of the many legitimately f*cked up things all men do to women, and here’s four more. 

2. Eat all of your food, and drink each of your beverages

Out of all the things on this list, this one isn’t really our fault. You can’t say things like “Make yourself at home.” and then get pissed when we take you to your word and eat all of your leftover pizza, half of your Cheetos, each of your lettuce wraps, and a full slab of your turkey bacon. 

3. Pretend like we did absolutely nothing to encourage women to continue flirting with us

It’s usually nothing too disrespectful or too egregious. But, despite how much we feign ignorance, we know when women are flirting with us, and we also know that all it takes to dead the flirting is to act indifferent, apathetic, or even occasionally annoyed. Despite this knowledge, we’ll still return the smile or the hug or the lunch invitation or even ever so slightly laugh at her attempt at “Ok, I’m going to say something that’s supposed to be funny. It’s clearly not, though. Let’s see if he takes the bait and laughs” humor.

4. Intentionally give awful dating advice

My favorite is when men suggest that, since it’s the 21st century, chicks need to “woman up” and start approaching guys.

Nevermind the fact that no man in the history of mandom has ever been in a happy and healthy relationship with a woman who approached, bagged, and pursued him. We’re generally lazy motherf*ckers who just enjoy when women put in some of the work…even though these “working” women probably aint ever gonna make it past the 2am Wendy’s drive-thru.

5. Pretend like we’re completely unable to remember birthdays, anniversaries, plans, shopping instructions, and any other information more important to you than it is to us

Admittedly, I probably do this more than anything else on the list. I can tell you exactly what Michael Jordan’s average PPG was in the 86-87 NBA season without googling it (37.1), but if a woman I happen to be seeing asks me to remember to pick up some eggs and celery from the store before I come home, my brain all of a sudden turns Tyga as I’ll faux-try to remember those difficult-ass details so hard that I’ll start drooling; a elaborate subterfuge with a clear and precise goal in mind: She never asks me to do that again

Anyway people of VSB, I’m sure I’m forgetting a few. Can you think of any other legitimately f*cked up things all men regularly do to women? Also, fellas, can you think of legitimately sh*tty sh*t that all women do to us?

¹When sex is very good, it sounds like a pot of mac and cheese being mixed with a wooden spoon.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) 

He got it at Jared

I was in NYC last week to participate in a dating and relationship roundtable discussion with several other writers and bloggers. While hanging out during the accompanying photoshoot, we — the three male writers in attendance — were involved in a kind of heated and completely hilarious conversation with a few of the stylists on set. Apparently, the emailboxes of each of these women were full of random wangs — short, tall, long, wrong, etc — and the only thing each of these pics had in common was the fact that none of them were requested.

One woman even told us about a time a year or so ago when she was in the cab back home from a decent first date with a guy. She felt her cell phone buzzing, saw the guy’s number, assumed he was texting to make sure she got home okay, opened the message prepared to see “Hey, just wanted to make sure you made it home ok” or “Had a great time tonight,” but was greeted with a glistening wang with the words “Sneak Preview” attached to it. One’s left to wonder if he carried a bottle of Vaseline in his pocket to always be prepared to send a shiny d*ck pic or if he just had the pic stored on his phone for special occasions.

Although none of us had actually done the unprompted d*ck pic thing ourselves, three possible reasons for this act were brought up.

A) It’s a simple bait for easy chicks. Let’s say you send a d*ck pic to 15 different women. Although most will be disgusted/indifferent (or will at least feign disgust/indifference), there might be a couple who are amused/intrigued/aroused by it, and now you have three new chicks who want to f*ck and all you had to do to cultivate interest was stick an iPhone in your boxers.

B) We occasionally assume that most women are turned on by our bodies in the same way that we’re turned on by theirs. As my homie J-Russ has joked, it doesn’t even take boobs or booty to get us. Sometimes a chick’s shoulder blade or bare ankle is enough to make us all verklempt, and we sometimes forget that women’s arousal can be a bit more, um, complicated than that.

C) Remember lunchtime recess in 3rd grade, when some boys used to flash girls at the swings and then run away laughing when she screamed or blushed? (and by “some” I mean “all”) Well, let’s just say that certain parts of some of us never grow up, and many of us will never not enjoy showing our d*cks to random women.

Anyway, the unprompted d*ck pic is just one of the many things many of us continue to do even though — if the women I’ve met are any indication — very, very, very few women actually seem to enjoy it.

Here’s four more.

2. The too soon “I miss you” text/phone call/email message

You know what’s funny? The men who do this are usually completely disingenuous. I mean f*ck, the date just ended 13 minutes ago. There’s no way in hell you miss her Aspergers having ass already. But, many of us send that message just to get some extra points, oblivious to the fact that there’s a 97.9% chance that she’ll think you’re a corny f*cking lame after receiving it.

3. The foreplay ear-tongue play

Guys, raise your hand if you’ve ever stuck your tongue in a woman’s ear while making out. Ladies, raise your hand if you’ve ever had that happen to you. Now, keep those hands up if you’ve ever actually enjoyed that.

Exactly.

4. Asking “how many” 

Although “how many” does actually matter (that’s another topic for another day), asking the question is an exercise in futility. Why? Well, she’ll either get pissed at you for asking, lie about the number, or tell the truth and make you want to hide under the table. And yes, if you’re the type of guy who’d ask, you’re probably also the type whose feelings would get hurt if her number is higher than D.Wade’s jersey.

5. The plan-less date

I know, I know, I know. We think we’re doing the right thing. We just want to make her happy, we want her to enjoy her time, and, ever since that time two years ago when we accidentally watched a couple scenes from Erin Brockovich, we’re aware of women’s rights and shit.

But, while many of us think that “It’s whatever. I don’t have any preference. Whatever you want to do.” is the optimum way to approach dating in these increasingly androgynous times, there are few things that dry panties quicker than a date without a plan.

Seriously, it doesn’t even have to be a good plan. It could be a bad plan. An awful plan. An egregiously shitty plan on par with “Let’s let the guy who was caught raping a kid in the showers unrestricted access to our locker room.” Shit, you can even change plans. Just make sure to have something, anything in place to let her know you put more than five seconds worth of thought into your evening. Plus, if you allow her to make her own plans you make her accountable for her own happiness, and we all know they don’t want that to happen either. (another topic for another day)

Anyway, people of VSB: Do you agree with my list?

Also, can you think of any thing else that we (men) continue to do even though we know that most women kind of hate it? 

***Coming tomorrow: “55 Things Women Need To Stop Forever“***

—The Champ

Stop bitching, man, and get over it.

“You know, it was just typical daddy issues. Nothing else, really.”

The statement above was my friend’s (“Jim”) response to a question I asked regarding a woman (“Jane”) he’d recently cut ties with. Despite her quite distinguished ass-to-waist ratio, he’d grown tired of her flakiness, her (relative) youth — He’s 31. She’s 23. — and her emotional instability. The response came when I asked him if he ever figured out why she was so prone to random (and public) bouts of strange behavior. (Example: At a get together several months ago, she got upset with Jim and decided to leave and sit in his car with the windows open for the rest of the night. The low temperature that night was 37.)

Apparently, she didn’t have the best relationship with her father, and this combined with the fact that the last couple guys she dated were also in their 30′s was all the proof he needed that she just had serious daddy issues.

While I didn’t dispute my friend’s claim, hearing this woman’s obviously faulty behavior being dismissed as “daddy issues” made something click inside of me, something that had been festering for years now and finally needed to come out:

“Daddy issues” are f*cking bullshit

Think about it. Think about how every single dating and relationship-related thing that could possibly be wrong with a woman always seems to come back to her father.

If a woman seeks approval from men it’s because she didn’t get enough from her father.

If a woman only dates older men it’s because she’s searching for a father figure.

If a woman’s only attracted to distant and emotionally unavailable men, she’s trying to replicate the relationship she had with her father.

If a woman dates players and man hoes it’s because her father was the same way.

If a woman’s extremely and�unnecessarily�hard on men it’s because she’s a daddy’s girl.

If a woman’s�promiscuous�it’s because she either didn’t give enough love from her father or had an�inappropriate�relationship with him.

If a woman can’t properly gauge a man’s character it’s because her father didn’t teach her how.

If a woman’s too sexually naive she was babied by her father.

If a woman f*cks an illegal alien it’s because her dad got abducted by a UFO

Point? If every single woman on the planet has some form of daddy issues — and, if what everybody seems to say is correct, they do — �then daddy issues don’t actually exist!

I mean, there’s a reason why there’s no such thing as “human issues” or “10�toe issues” or “two nipple issues.”�An “issue” is no longer an issue if everyone has some form of the same f*cking issue. At that point it’s just…normal — no one on Earth has a perfect relationship with their father — and this normalcy means that this “issue” can no longer stand as an excuse for effed up behavior.

Jane’s relationship with her father didn’t make her a f*cking weirdo. No, the fact that she was f*cking weird made her a f*cking weirdo. Daddy issues didn’t cause your ex-girlfriend to break-up with you because she just couldn’t be with a guy who “liked her too much.” No, she couldn’t be with a guy who liked her too much because she was an asshole and an emotional�nincompoop. A woman only attracted to much older men isn’t trying to “replace” her dad. She just a lazy f*ck who tries to explain her lazy f*ckness by saying that she’s too mature for men her age.

Seriously, a grown woman (or man) blaming odd dating and relationship behavior on daddy issues is like a black man getting fired from the Cheesecake Factory and blaming slavery. Sure, maybe your life might have been a tad different if your great-great-great grandmother wasn’t massa Jackson’s favorite nighttime foot warmer, but you got fired today because they caught your creepy ass eating the tomatoes out of the shrimp and bacon club sandwiches.

This isn’t meant to�minimize�the importance of a father in a young woman’s life and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Dads matter and shit. But, using daddy issues as a universal excuse, distinction, and�diagnosis subtly absolves accountability, making all dads equal scapegoats for shitty behavior.

You know, I’m not a dad yet, but I might be one day. If this day comes, there’s a 50/50 chance that my child will be a daughter, and I will do everything in my power to protect, love, and educate this girl. But, if she decides to cite a hug I didn’t give her in 2018 as the reason why she can’t find love in 2038, I’ll have one message for her:�F*ck you

—The Champ

***If you get a minute, check out�Do �Good Men� Think Too Much? — a review of�“Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm at Night” by Andrew Ladd at�The Good Men Project***

Adulthood has taught me two indisputable tenets about women

1. Most women possess a ton of�unnecessary�sh*t.

Some of this sh*t is�somewhat practical (layers of�expired coupons, Thai cook books, etc), some is understandable (dozens of bottles of overpriced oils and lotions and sh*t all doing the exact same f*cking thing, pictures of Santonio Holmes’ wang, etc), and some is so hilariously�frivolous�that you start to wonder if they rob Tuesday Mornings in their spare time (pink couch pillows with the names of the entire cast of Grey’s Anatomy monogrammed in Arial Narrow, candles with scents like “depression mahogany” and “Oprah at night,” etc).

2. If you ever happen to be somewhere where your girlfriend is going to meet up with a few of her girlfriends, be prepared to witness an extended period of compliment�cunnilingus when they see each other.

Now, it’s possible that all women don’t do this and that the women in my sphere of influence are just a little nicer than most others. But, from a completely�anecdotal�perspective, it seems like women are completely unable to see each other without devoting the first 10 to 25 minutes of their conversations to complimenting each other about anything.

Yes. Anything. Seriously, it’s really not that far-fetched to overhear some sh*t like “Wow, Jane. Ever since that pitbull bit off your nose, I couldn’t help to notice how pretty your eyes are. I’m so jealous. I’d definitely let a pit bull bite off my nose and eat my nephew if I could have eyes like that!”

Anyway, I’m bringing this up because of a statement Lady Champ made a few days ago. (Actually, it was more of smart-aleck tease than a statement. But, for the sake of the discussion, it’ll stay a statement today.) She made notice of the fact that I have a tendency to turn into a slobbering bastard when a woman other than my mom gives me a compliment, and she followed that by saying that most men are the exact same way.

My initial reaction was to dispute this, but then I remembered that just that day I got all verklempt when I accidentally overheard a Starbucks barista matter-of-factly say “…see, I’d definitely date him. But, black guys like that don’t like me.” to another barista.�Never mind�the fact that she didn’t actually say it to me, and never mind that I had no idea what a “black guy like me” actually was, she gave me an indirect compliment and I almost choked on my orange juice when hearing it.

Why did this affect me so? Well, the answer comes from that barista. You see, although she complimented me…she didn’t give me the compliment. She didn’t just come out and say “Hey, young black sir, I think you’re attractive and I wouldn’t mind sharing a�cinnamon�rice cake with you” because, well, women very, very, very rarely give direct compliments to random men.

If fact, not only do men rarely hear compliments from random women, most of us rarely hear compliments from women we’re actually sleeping with. �Seriously, aside from the usual mid-coital kudos (ie:�“Your d*ck is on some American Airways sh*t tonight, baby! Damn! You got the magic motherf*ckin touch”), most men reading this can probably count the number of compliments their girlfriend has given them on one hand.

When you combine this with the fact that you’re probably going to see Casey Anthony giving the headline speech at a CYS conference before you see the majority of men freely, easily, and directly complimenting other men, you understand why the compliment is a man’s kryptonite — the one thing that can turn goons to goo and thugs to ticklish teddy bears.

Now, it’s completely understandable why women — most of whom are quick to compliment each other about anything, remember�— are reluctant to freely compliment men. Something as innocent as “Hey, you always have the nicest pencils.” could (and probably would) be interpreted by most men as “Hey, I have some space in my vagina that I need for you to fill.”

But, maybe that leap is due to the fact that we just aren’t used to hearing them and don’t know how to react when we do. Maybe more experience with�receiving�them would stop us from automatically thinking “She wants my meatloaf” whenever a woman says something nice to us, and maybe we’d be nicer people. Maybe “more female to male compliments” would = “less crime.” Who knows?

I do know, though, that I’m officially “not allowed” (Ha!) in that Starbucks anymore. Moral of the story, ladies? Be careful. More female to male compliments just might get you cut.

—The Champ

***Speaking of compliments, the homies at Jenesis Magazine ran a pretty complimentary profile of The Champ and VSB on Friday. Check it out if you haven’t already***

"While you're in a good mood, can you tell me why you have 19 monogrammed Tickle Me Elmo pillows in your dining room?"

While in the D.C. area last month to attend the Three Deez event, a couple of my cousins� (“Jack” and “Jill”) were gracious enough to host Lady Champ and I the first night (Friday) of our weekend there.

After dinner, we all retreated to Jack’s basement man cave –� a “Damn!!!” inducing space (I literally said “Damn!!!” to myself when I first walked down there) complete with a pool table, a putting range, a private bathroom, and a 75 inch theater style HD projector screen. While down there, we watched an episode of “The King of Queens” that centered around Carrie (the surprisingly attractive Leah Remini) finding out that Doug (Kevin James) kills her whenever he fantasizes about other women. Well, he doesn’t actually like, murder her, but he always finds a way to make sure that she’s dead when he’s thinking about other women. Why? Well, so he can have a guilt-free fantasy.

During a commercial break, Lady Champ shot me an incredulous “This sure is a silly premise, aint it?” look. I “replied” by raising my eyebrows, shrugging my shoulders, and fake wincing — a look that was meant to say “Well…” When she shot back with a slightly disdainful/disgusted look of “Wait…don’t tell me you do this too,” I, well, I replied with the only way I could have possibly replied in this situation: I started playing with my phone.

Anyway, while it’s a widely known and accepted truth that men in relationships occasionally fantasize about other women, the idea that we sometimes have to find a way to “conveniently dispatch of” our significant others for some fantasies to work is something I’m sure that most women would rather not know, and I thought of a few other “hard to hear” facts that also qualify.

While we’re still on fantasies…

2. If in the right mood, we can get off on…anything

Seriously, just last week I had a seven and a half minute conversation with a friend that revolved around the fleeting joy of watching a women accidentally reveal a sliver of a thong. If fact, one of us (I’m not saying exactly who, but it wasn’t me) even said that he makes sure to watch women get up from chairs just so he can possibly see that.

Think this is creepy? I’ll do you one creepier: From a peek of a hair on an attractive women’s shoulder blade to a sound a women makes when she eats crackers, there are literally no limits to what can possibly induce arousal and pop up in our minds later when we’re ***insert word that starts with “m” and rhymes with “grasserfating”***

3. We all think that you all have waaaaaaaaaaaay too much sh*t.

None of us are quite sure why every women we’ve ever known has enough useless shit in her apartment/house/studio/attic to fully furnish a f*cking aircraft carrier, and we’d actually prefer to stay in the dark about that. Trust me, our imagined reasons (ie: “I guess she just likes to buy useless sh*t”) are much better than asking and finding out that you have 26 pillows on your bed because you needed a place to store the remains of all of your exes.

4. Sometimes we really do forget to put the toilet seat down. In fact, most of the time this is an honest mistake. But, sometimes we do that sh*t intentionally.

Why? Well, there are myriad possible reasons for this, but two are a bit more prevalent than the others.

A) We’re tired of you asking us to do something that might take you a fourth of a second to rectify, so we leave it up out of spite

B) We’re curious to see if your anti-Marco Polo ass will actually fall in.

5. We “fake it” too.

I know I’ve already said this. In fact, it’s in “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night.” But, like “The Lakers are a bunch of bitchmade, cheap-shotting, bitch-ass bitches” this is a fact that bears repeating just in case anyone didn’t hear it the first time.

Anyway, people of VSB, that’s it for me today. Men, can you think of any other “male trueisms” that women probably don’t want to know? Also, ladies, feel free to add you own list of things you think we don’t want to know about you. (even though we probably already do know, and just don’t care)

�Relatively young (both in their mid-40′s), successful, and successfully married (they were celebrating their 22nd anniversary that weekend, and they’ve raised a beautiful and intelligent daughter), they’ve always been role models to me. I’ve even joked with them that they’re the “literal manifestation of the Very Smart ideal” (whatever the hell that means), and I used this opportunity to spy on them a bit. Not “spy” in the “snooping around, checking file cabinets and shit” sense, but “spy” in the “I don’t have much experience seeing couples your age who have been together that long, so I’m going to pay attention to how you interact with each other” sense.

—The Champ

If you haven�t purchased the paperback or the $9.99 Kindle version of �Your Degrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime� yet, what the hell is stopping you? (No, seriously. Tell us and we�ll send Chuck Norris or Liz to fix it)