He got it at Jared

I was in NYC last week to participate in a dating and relationship roundtable discussion with several other writers and bloggers. While hanging out during the accompanying photoshoot, we — the three male writers in attendance — were involved in a kind of heated and completely hilarious conversation with a few of the stylists on set. Apparently, the emailboxes of each of these women were full of random wangs — short, tall, long, wrong, etc — and the only thing each of these pics had in common was the fact that none of them were requested.

One woman even told us about a time a year or so ago when she was in the cab back home from a decent first date with a guy. She felt her cell phone buzzing, saw the guy’s number, assumed he was texting to make sure she got home okay, opened the message prepared to see “Hey, just wanted to make sure you made it home ok” or “Had a great time tonight,” but was greeted with a glistening wang with the words “Sneak Preview” attached to it. One’s left to wonder if he carried a bottle of Vaseline in his pocket to always be prepared to send a shiny d*ck pic or if he just had the pic stored on his phone for special occasions.

Although none of us had actually done the unprompted d*ck pic thing ourselves, three possible reasons for this act were brought up.

A) It’s a simple bait for easy chicks. Let’s say you send a d*ck pic to 15 different women. Although most will be disgusted/indifferent (or will at least feign disgust/indifference), there might be a couple who are amused/intrigued/aroused by it, and now you have three new chicks who want to f*ck and all you had to do to cultivate interest was stick an iPhone in your boxers.

B) We occasionally assume that most women are turned on by our bodies in the same way that we’re turned on by theirs. As my homie J-Russ has joked, it doesn’t even take boobs or booty to get us. Sometimes a chick’s shoulder blade or bare ankle is enough to make us all verklempt, and we sometimes forget that women’s arousal can be a bit more, um, complicated than that.

C) Remember lunchtime recess in 3rd grade, when some boys used to flash girls at the swings and then run away laughing when she screamed or blushed? (and by “some” I mean “all”) Well, let’s just say that certain parts of some of us never grow up, and many of us will never not enjoy showing our d*cks to random women.

Anyway, the unprompted d*ck pic is just one of the many things many of us continue to do even though — if the women I’ve met are any indication — very, very, very few women actually seem to enjoy it.

Here’s four more.

2. The too soon “I miss you” text/phone call/email message

You know what’s funny? The men who do this are usually completely disingenuous. I mean f*ck, the date just ended 13 minutes ago. There’s no way in hell you miss her Aspergers having ass already. But, many of us send that message just to get some extra points, oblivious to the fact that there’s a 97.9% chance that she’ll think you’re a corny f*cking lame after receiving it.

3. The foreplay ear-tongue play

Guys, raise your hand if you’ve ever stuck your tongue in a woman’s ear while making out. Ladies, raise your hand if you’ve ever had that happen to you. Now, keep those hands up if you’ve ever actually enjoyed that.

Exactly.

4. Asking “how many” 

Although “how many” does actually matter (that’s another topic for another day), asking the question is an exercise in futility. Why? Well, she’ll either get pissed at you for asking, lie about the number, or tell the truth and make you want to hide under the table. And yes, if you’re the type of guy who’d ask, you’re probably also the type whose feelings would get hurt if her number is higher than D.Wade’s jersey.

5. The plan-less date

I know, I know, I know. We think we’re doing the right thing. We just want to make her happy, we want her to enjoy her time, and, ever since that time two years ago when we accidentally watched a couple scenes from Erin Brockovich, we’re aware of women’s rights and shit.

But, while many of us think that “It’s whatever. I don’t have any preference. Whatever you want to do.” is the optimum way to approach dating in these increasingly androgynous times, there are few things that dry panties quicker than a date without a plan.

Seriously, it doesn’t even have to be a good plan. It could be a bad plan. An awful plan. An egregiously shitty plan on par with “Let’s let the guy who was caught raping a kid in the showers unrestricted access to our locker room.” Shit, you can even change plans. Just make sure to have something, anything in place to let her know you put more than five seconds worth of thought into your evening. Plus, if you allow her to make her own plans you make her accountable for her own happiness, and we all know they don’t want that to happen either. (another topic for another day)

Anyway, people of VSB: Do you agree with my list?

Also, can you think of any thing else that we (men) continue to do even though we know that most women kind of hate it? 

***Coming tomorrow: “55 Things Women Need To Stop Forever“***

—The Champ

Stop bitching, man, and get over it.

“You know, it was just typical daddy issues. Nothing else, really.”

The statement above was my friend’s (“Jim”) response to a question I asked regarding a woman (“Jane”) he’d recently cut ties with. Despite her quite distinguished ass-to-waist ratio, he’d grown tired of her flakiness, her (relative) youth — He’s 31. She’s 23. — and her emotional instability. The response came when I asked him if he ever figured out why she was so prone to random (and public) bouts of strange behavior. (Example: At a get together several months ago, she got upset with Jim and decided to leave and sit in his car with the windows open for the rest of the night. The low temperature that night was 37.)

Apparently, she didn’t have the best relationship with her father, and this combined with the fact that the last couple guys she dated were also in their 30′s was all the proof he needed that she just had serious daddy issues.

While I didn’t dispute my friend’s claim, hearing this woman’s obviously faulty behavior being dismissed as “daddy issues” made something click inside of me, something that had been festering for years now and finally needed to come out:

“Daddy issues” are f*cking bullshit

Think about it. Think about how every single dating and relationship-related thing that could possibly be wrong with a woman always seems to come back to her father.

If a woman seeks approval from men it’s because she didn’t get enough from her father.

If a woman only dates older men it’s because she’s searching for a father figure.

If a woman’s only attracted to distant and emotionally unavailable men, she’s trying to replicate the relationship she had with her father.

If a woman dates players and man hoes it’s because her father was the same way.

If a woman’s extremely and unnecessarily hard on men it’s because she’s a daddy’s girl.

If a woman’s promiscuous it’s because she either didn’t give enough love from her father or had an inappropriate relationship with him.

If a woman can’t properly gauge a man’s character it’s because her father didn’t teach her how.

If a woman’s too sexually naive she was babied by her father.

If a woman f*cks an illegal alien it’s because her dad got abducted by a UFO

Point? If every single woman on the planet has some form of daddy issues — and, if what everybody seems to say is correct, they do —  then daddy issues don’t actually exist!

I mean, there’s a reason why there’s no such thing as “human issues” or “10 toe issues” or “two nipple issues.” An “issue” is no longer an issue if everyone has some form of the same f*cking issue. At that point it’s just…normal — no one on Earth has a perfect relationship with their father — and this normalcy means that this “issue” can no longer stand as an excuse for effed up behavior.

Jane’s relationship with her father didn’t make her a f*cking weirdo. No, the fact that she was f*cking weird made her a f*cking weirdo. Daddy issues didn’t cause your ex-girlfriend to break-up with you because she just couldn’t be with a guy who “liked her too much.” No, she couldn’t be with a guy who liked her too much because she was an asshole and an emotional nincompoop. A woman only attracted to much older men isn’t trying to “replace” her dad. She just a lazy f*ck who tries to explain her lazy f*ckness by saying that she’s too mature for men her age.

Seriously, a grown woman (or man) blaming odd dating and relationship behavior on daddy issues is like a black man getting fired from the Cheesecake Factory and blaming slavery. Sure, maybe your life might have been a tad different if your great-great-great grandmother wasn’t massa Jackson’s favorite nighttime foot warmer, but you got fired today because they caught your creepy ass eating the tomatoes out of the shrimp and bacon club sandwiches.

This isn’t meant to minimize the importance of a father in a young woman’s life and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Dads matter and shit. But, using daddy issues as a universal excuse, distinction, and diagnosis subtly absolves accountability, making all dads equal scapegoats for shitty behavior.

You know, I’m not a dad yet, but I might be one day. If this day comes, there’s a 50/50 chance that my child will be a daughter, and I will do everything in my power to protect, love, and educate this girl. But, if she decides to cite a hug I didn’t give her in 2018 as the reason why she can’t find love in 2038, I’ll have one message for her: F*ck you

—The Champ

***If you get a minute, check out Do ‘Good Men’ Think Too Much? — a review of “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm at Night” by Andrew Ladd at The Good Men Project***

Adulthood has taught me two indisputable tenets about women

1. Most women possess a ton of unnecessary sh*t.

Some of this sh*t is somewhat practical (layers of expired coupons, Thai cook books, etc), some is understandable (dozens of bottles of overpriced oils and lotions and sh*t all doing the exact same f*cking thing, pictures of Santonio Holmes’ wang, etc), and some is so hilariously frivolous that you start to wonder if they rob Tuesday Mornings in their spare time (pink couch pillows with the names of the entire cast of Grey’s Anatomy monogrammed in Arial Narrow, candles with scents like “depression mahogany” and “Oprah at night,” etc).

2. If you ever happen to be somewhere where your girlfriend is going to meet up with a few of her girlfriends, be prepared to witness an extended period of compliment cunnilingus when they see each other.

Now, it’s possible that all women don’t do this and that the women in my sphere of influence are just a little nicer than most others. But, from a completely anecdotal perspective, it seems like women are completely unable to see each other without devoting the first 10 to 25 minutes of their conversations to complimenting each other about anything.

Yes. Anything. Seriously, it’s really not that far-fetched to overhear some sh*t like “Wow, Jane. Ever since that pitbull bit off your nose, I couldn’t help to notice how pretty your eyes are. I’m so jealous. I’d definitely let a pit bull bite off my nose and eat my nephew if I could have eyes like that!”

Anyway, I’m bringing this up because of a statement Lady Champ made a few days ago. (Actually, it was more of smart-aleck tease than a statement. But, for the sake of the discussion, it’ll stay a statement today.) She made notice of the fact that I have a tendency to turn into a slobbering bastard when a woman other than my mom gives me a compliment, and she followed that by saying that most men are the exact same way.

My initial reaction was to dispute this, but then I remembered that just that day I got all verklempt when I accidentally overheard a Starbucks barista matter-of-factly say “…see, I’d definitely date him. But, black guys like that don’t like me.” to another barista. Never mind the fact that she didn’t actually say it to me, and never mind that I had no idea what a “black guy like me” actually was, she gave me an indirect compliment and I almost choked on my orange juice when hearing it.

Why did this affect me so? Well, the answer comes from that barista. You see, although she complimented me…she didn’t give me the compliment. She didn’t just come out and say “Hey, young black sir, I think you’re attractive and I wouldn’t mind sharing a cinnamon rice cake with you” because, well, women very, very, very rarely give direct compliments to random men.

If fact, not only do men rarely hear compliments from random women, most of us rarely hear compliments from women we’re actually sleeping with.  Seriously, aside from the usual mid-coital kudos (ie: “Your d*ck is on some American Airways sh*t tonight, baby! Damn! You got the magic motherf*ckin touch”), most men reading this can probably count the number of compliments their girlfriend has given them on one hand.

When you combine this with the fact that you’re probably going to see Casey Anthony giving the headline speech at a CYS conference before you see the majority of men freely, easily, and directly complimenting other men, you understand why the compliment is a man’s kryptonite — the one thing that can turn goons to goo and thugs to ticklish teddy bears.

Now, it’s completely understandable why women — most of whom are quick to compliment each other about anything, remember — are reluctant to freely compliment men. Something as innocent as “Hey, you always have the nicest pencils.” could (and probably would) be interpreted by most men as “Hey, I have some space in my vagina that I need for you to fill.”

But, maybe that leap is due to the fact that we just aren’t used to hearing them and don’t know how to react when we do. Maybe more experience with receiving them would stop us from automatically thinking “She wants my meatloaf” whenever a woman says something nice to us, and maybe we’d be nicer people. Maybe “more female to male compliments” would = “less crime.” Who knows?

I do know, though, that I’m officially “not allowed” (Ha!) in that Starbucks anymore. Moral of the story, ladies? Be careful. More female to male compliments just might get you cut.

—The Champ

***Speaking of compliments, the homies at Jenesis Magazine ran a pretty complimentary profile of The Champ and VSB on Friday. Check it out if you haven’t already***

"While you're in a good mood, can you tell me why you have 19 monogrammed Tickle Me Elmo pillows in your dining room?"

While in the D.C. area last month to attend the Three Deez event, a couple of my cousins¹ (“Jack” and “Jill”) were gracious enough to host Lady Champ and I the first night (Friday) of our weekend there.

After dinner, we all retreated to Jack’s basement man cave –  a “Damn!!!” inducing space (I literally said “Damn!!!” to myself when I first walked down there) complete with a pool table, a putting range, a private bathroom, and a 75 inch theater style HD projector screen. While down there, we watched an episode of “The King of Queens” that centered around Carrie (the surprisingly attractive Leah Remini) finding out that Doug (Kevin James) kills her whenever he fantasizes about other women. Well, he doesn’t actually like, murder her, but he always finds a way to make sure that she’s dead when he’s thinking about other women. Why? Well, so he can have a guilt-free fantasy.

During a commercial break, Lady Champ shot me an incredulous “This sure is a silly premise, aint it?” look. I “replied” by raising my eyebrows, shrugging my shoulders, and fake wincing — a look that was meant to say “Well…” When she shot back with a slightly disdainful/disgusted look of “Wait…don’t tell me you do this too,” I, well, I replied with the only way I could have possibly replied in this situation: I started playing with my phone.

Anyway, while it’s a widely known and accepted truth that men in relationships occasionally fantasize about other women, the idea that we sometimes have to find a way to “conveniently dispatch of” our significant others for some fantasies to work is something I’m sure that most women would rather not know, and I thought of a few other “hard to hear” facts that also qualify.

While we’re still on fantasies…

2. If in the right mood, we can get off on…anything

Seriously, just last week I had a seven and a half minute conversation with a friend that revolved around the fleeting joy of watching a women accidentally reveal a sliver of a thong. If fact, one of us (I’m not saying exactly who, but it wasn’t me) even said that he makes sure to watch women get up from chairs just so he can possibly see that.

Think this is creepy? I’ll do you one creepier: From a peek of a hair on an attractive women’s shoulder blade to a sound a women makes when she eats crackers, there are literally no limits to what can possibly induce arousal and pop up in our minds later when we’re ***insert word that starts with “m” and rhymes with “grasserfating”***

3. We all think that you all have waaaaaaaaaaaay too much sh*t.

None of us are quite sure why every women we’ve ever known has enough useless shit in her apartment/house/studio/attic to fully furnish a f*cking aircraft carrier, and we’d actually prefer to stay in the dark about that. Trust me, our imagined reasons (ie: “I guess she just likes to buy useless sh*t”) are much better than asking and finding out that you have 26 pillows on your bed because you needed a place to store the remains of all of your exes.

4. Sometimes we really do forget to put the toilet seat down. In fact, most of the time this is an honest mistake. But, sometimes we do that sh*t intentionally.

Why? Well, there are myriad possible reasons for this, but two are a bit more prevalent than the others.

A) We’re tired of you asking us to do something that might take you a fourth of a second to rectify, so we leave it up out of spite

B) We’re curious to see if your anti-Marco Polo ass will actually fall in.

5. We “fake it” too.

I know I’ve already said this. In fact, it’s in “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night.” But, like “The Lakers are a bunch of bitchmade, cheap-shotting, bitch-ass bitches” this is a fact that bears repeating just in case anyone didn’t hear it the first time.

Anyway, people of VSB, that’s it for me today. Men, can you think of any other “male trueisms” that women probably don’t want to know? Also, ladies, feel free to add you own list of things you think we don’t want to know about you. (even though we probably already do know, and just don’t care)

¹Relatively young (both in their mid-40′s), successful, and successfully married (they were celebrating their 22nd anniversary that weekend, and they’ve raised a beautiful and intelligent daughter), they’ve always been role models to me. I’ve even joked with them that they’re the “literal manifestation of the Very Smart ideal” (whatever the hell that means), and I used this opportunity to spy on them a bit. Not “spy” in the “snooping around, checking file cabinets and shit” sense, but “spy” in the “I don’t have much experience seeing couples your age who have been together that long, so I’m going to pay attention to how you interact with each other” sense.

—The Champ

If you haven’t purchased the paperback or the $9.99 Kindle version of “Your Degrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime” yet, what the hell is stopping you? (No, seriously. Tell us and we’ll send Chuck Norris or Liz to fix it)

One of my homegirls (“Angie”) divorced her husband a little over a year ago. After going through the perfunctory post-breakup reflection and mourning period, she started dating again. She’s shared a few of her dating tales, and between the grandmomma’s boys, 40 year old aspiring rap producers, and men who send her texts spelling touche “tu shea”, it wouldn’t be hyperbole to say that her dating life mirrors the first 35 minutes of every movie Gabrielle Union’s ever been in.

While this perpetual comedy of errored men hasn’t made Angie jaded or discouraged, it has changed her entire relationship outlook. Where she might have been a bit to too pressed to please and impress before, her trials and tribulations have made her a bit more pragmatic about the dating game. During a conversation yesterday, I asked what accounted for this (refreshingly) sober outlook, and she replied:

“If my failed marriage has taught me anything, it’s that the next serious relationship I get in will have to be with a man who loves me much more than I love him. I think all women should adapt that policy, actually. We’d all be much better for it. “

As you probably imagined, this statement stopped me in my tracks. While the whole “for the best relationships, a man should love his wife a bit more than she loves him” sentiment isn’t new (I’m sure half of the women reading this have heard some variant of this from their grandmothers) I’ve always considered it to be stupid, short-sighted, and, well dangerous, and I was surprised that someone as smart as Angie would say that.

I understand that relationships will never be 50/50. One party will always be a tad bit more committed to the relationship than the other (And whoever happens to be the least committed also usually holds the most power…but that’s another topic for another day), but hearing a woman actually say that any man she’s serious about needs to love her more than she loves him is a man’s worst nightmare; a confirmation that, beneath all the sugar and spice, women are inherently selfish, superficial, and full of shit.

But then I put my $9.99 worth of man pride aside and thought about it.

I considered the fact that, because men tend to be socialized to “conquer” while women tend to be socialized to commit, it takes a bit more for a man to entertain the idea of a long-term monogamous relationship than it usually does for a women. (and “it takes a bit more” = “he probably needs to be completely head over heels”)

I remembered that between pregnancy, (relatively) tiny reproductive windows, and the fact that sex is a much more potentially dangerous act for a woman than a man, it does kind of make sense for a woman to be completely sure that any man she chooses to lay with is completely gaga over her.

I even recalled “The Close Bus Syndrome” and “Sadie’s Shady” — two blogs I’ve written that were eventually fleshed out into full chapters in “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night.” Why do these blogs matter? Well, in “Sadie’s Shady” I explain that one of the main reasons why women shouldn’t pursue men is that (generally speaking) women don’t grow on men the same way men can grow on women. Basically, if a guy was really into a woman, he would have done whatever he could to pursue her first. If he hasn’t done that, he’s probably lukewarm, and if a man is lukewarm about a women he’s dating, she’s very likely to get “Close-Bused.”

Eh. It pains me to admit this, but I think Angie might have been right.

Do you?

—The Champ

If you haven’t purchased the paperback or the $9.99 Kindle version of “Your Degrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime” yet, what the hell is stopping you? (No, seriously. Tell us and we’ll send Chuck Norris or Liz to fix it)

“So basically, all women want a 6’4”, God-fearing, well-endowed, faithful (ha!), funny, brolic, charcoal-skinned neurosurgeon/hedge fund manager from the Newark slums. Oh, and he can’t own a Dodge Charger either. Anything but a Charger”

—a conglomeration of every comment left by each and every man in this week’s “The Short End Of The Stick: Women, Height Preferences, and Hypocrisy” and “The 10 Men You Should Never, Ever, Ever Consider Dating”

“We women just can’t win. We were already too tall or too short, too thin or too fat, too smart or too stupid, and too chaste or too cock-hungry, too independent or too marriage-minded. Now, we can’t even ask for a man who’s not a midget? You men are lucky I hate the way p*ssy tastes, because if I didn’t, I’d be L-Wording it up right now, word to Jennifer Beals”

—a conglomeration of every comment left by each and every woman in this week’s “The Short End Of The Stick: Women, Height Preferences, and Hypocrisy” and “The 10 Men You Should Never, Ever, Ever Consider Dating”

Since it’s obvious that absolutely no one is winning in this dating game — and since I’m an altruistic and magnanimous motherf*cker — I’ve decided to clear the slate. Today, we’re all going to start from scratch. Well, we’re gonna sort of (but not really) start from scratch. (Actually, what we’re going to do today isn’t “starting from scratch” in the slightest, but since I couldn’t think of a more suitable idiom, “starting from scratch” it is!)

Here’s the deal: Between our height, hair, complexion, class, “swag,” and sexiness issues, we  — black men and women — are filled with enough standards-of attraction-based angst to choke a team of walruses, and we need a little catharsis; a purging that’ll allow us to bury our ghosts of standards past once and for all.

How exactly will we do this? Well, this is our day to be as shallow, superficial, silly, self-centered, and selfish as possible, without any fear of judgment, side-eye, or throat-punches. The task? Build your “perfect” man or woman from scratch, taking favorable attributes from others (famous or not) to create your own personal Freakinstein.

You want your woman to have Esther Baxter’s body with Esther Rolle’s self-esteem? Fine! Does you man need to be packing pipe like Lex Steele, stacking dough like Mark Zuckerberg, and cracking jokes like Chocolate Drop? Great! Be my guest! Funny like Angela Nissel, fine like Angela Bassett and freaky like Angela Lansbury? (Don’t front like you didn’t know why the show was called “Murder She Wrote.” Three words: Angela’s killer p*ssy.) Great!

Your Freakinstein has no time-constraints, either. If you want, say, Pam Grier’s nipples in 1972 on circa 1930′s Lena Horne’s breasts, go right ahead! Richard Roundtree’s shaft, George Gervin’s fingers, and Kunta Kinte’s limp? Perfect!

The cathartic carpet is yours!

—The Champ

If you haven’t purchased the paperback or the $9.99 Kindle version of “Your Degrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime” yet, what the hell is stopping you?

Why do you keep putting your sharp and ashy fingers down there?

As most of my friends, family, neighbors, and former concubines know, I’m prone to occasional bouts of unprompted altruism. I ask random white people if they need help with their taxes. I volunteer for blood drives, brain scans, and police photo arrays. I’ve eaten Delta p*ssy. I’ve taken stray cats to Burger King, treating them to fries and Oreo milkshakes. I even smoked a little crack in the summer of 2004 just so I could better understand Shawn Kemp’s plight.

Since this is true, it should come to no surprise that last weekend– with Lady Champ’s “permission” (and by “with Lady Champ’s permission” I mean “Lady Champ had no idea I was doing this”) –  I randomly polled a bunch of women I know, asking them if they had anything they always wanted to know about men and sex.

The best questions (and accompanying answers) are below.

Why is it so difficult for men who just want to f*ck to just come out and say “I just want to f*ck” instead of playing games?

As any half-way decent to decent ballplayer will tell you, attempting to play with someone who clearly can’t play isn’t just an exercise in futility…it’s a threat to your life. Why? Well, basketball’s improvisational nature depends on a certain harmony of movement; an ever shifting equilibrium dependent on each player’s court sense and knowledge of the game.

And, from an offensive player’s perspective, much of what you do is predicated on what you assume the defense will do to stop you. You ball fake because you know it’s going to make the defense shift. You hit your man with an “in and out” — a fake crossover dribble — to set him up for the real crossover you’ll give him the next possession.

Thing is, when you’re playing with someone who doesn’t know what the f*ck they’re doing, all of your moves, basketball knowledge, court sense, and wisdom becomes completely moot. They don’t go for your fakes because they don’t know they’re supposed to go for your fakes, so you’re just as likely to headbutt them and concuss yourself as shake them.

From a sexual standpoint, men and women have the same type of harmony seen in wise ball players. The dating and mating game is built on a complex matrix of timing, desire, libido, and opportunity, and we (men) have spent our entire adult lives learning how to navigate these murky waters. But, these years of accumulated knowledge have left us ill-equipped to face a woman who’s either impervious to the “What do I have to do to trick you into f*cking me?” game or refuses to play it at all. And, rather than read and react, we usually just try to do the same fake crossover moves on all women, even if she’s already proved she just wants to take your ball(s) and run.

Is it really true that sex is the sole motivating factor behind everything men do?

Yes. And by “Yes” I mean, well, “Yes.”

Do guys really want to f*ck every girl in the world?

Yes. The difference between “mo” (“mo” = “male ho”) and guy who’s not a mo is that the guy who’s not a mo just doesn’t act on those desires. But, the desire’s present in all of us, and Weezy truly is a prophet from Mars.

Put it this way. I’m writing this while sitting in a coffee shop a block away from my place, and I can say with all honesty that — if opportunity, society, and Lady Champ allowed this sort of thing — I’d sleep with at least 50% of the women sitting in here. I’m not going to, obviously, but I’d be lying if I said that thought hasn’t crossed my mind. (It would have been 62.5%, but I don’t do Korean lesbians anymore. Too time consuming, and too much pressure.)

After all the porn that men watch, can you tell me why only 5% of you actually know where the clit is?

Wait…what the hell is a clit? Is that the proper medical term for baby hair? The secret ingredient for Bobby Flay’s  guacamole? The store where Christina Hendricks gets her bras? You sure that wasn’t a typo?

Seriously though, on the day 9 out of 10 women can actually point to a diagram of a vagina and tell you exactly where the clit is, you can commence with the clitoral GPS questions. Until then, just be happy that we haven’t mistaken it for a chitlin.

Ladies, you gave us answers last week. Now it’s time for the questions. Can you think of anything else you’ve ever wanted to know about men and sex?

Oh and fellas, don’t wait for me. Please feel free to answer any of the ladies’ queries.

—The Champ

• Purchase our new book, Your Degrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime on Amazon.com
• Get on the VSB VIP List!

"Like I said, the answer is 'the cookie'. Wait, what was the question? Oh. Doesn't matter, protect your cookie. From Cookie Monster. He blue."

One of the great things about VSB is that its  a forum for a lot of women to gain insight into what men think. And not just The Champ and myself, but the various brohams that venture here and offer perspectives on any and everything under the sun, from pulpit pimpin’ to sweater puppy management. We generally go in like two gay guys at a Prince concert with Drake as the opener.

Because of this, we get a lot of questions seeking advice, guidance, and help with various situations from women. This makes sense and we’re always glad to oblige seeing as our goal is to reduce crime in the world. But you know what? We have questions at times too. While we may have a very good idea about most things, there’s nothing like hearing an answer from the horses mouth. Which is actually why ninety percent of all relationship advice starts and ends with: maybe you should talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend.

Most smart enough people with common sense and even a minute ability to observe their surroundings should be able to answer most relationship related questions but you just never know really. With that said, we spend so much time hearing from us and about why we think everything is such and such, I figured today, I’d query our wonderful community about a few questions that a lot of men would have if we ever thought to ask questions.

Also, I’m sure I could find answers to a lot of these by going to a website run by a woman who writes about relationships, but real talk, when your commenters give good community, why leave home? So here are some questions that I’d like to know the answers too lady.

1. Why do women get so upset when exes reach out shortly after a break to see how you all are doing?

I had a convo with a homegirl about this one today and she basically asked me, “what’s the point?” Unless dude is calling to say he made a mistake there’s no reason to call and interrupt her healing and attempting to get over the dude. As a guy, a lot of guys do just call to see how y’all are doing. It has no greater point. Which could be the problem. I don’t know. I got one hangin’ and two swangin’.

2. Do women really not like it when their man is having a lot of fun without her?

Kevin Hart said this in his Seriously Funny special. And I tend to think its true. But maybe I’m wrong. I’ve always suspected that women hated it when their man was out having a ball, in like Vegas or something where as men are constantly pushing their women to go have fun with their girls and stuff. We want you to get out without us and it seems like many women never do. My experience has shown me that women go into killjoy mode. Any truth there ladies?

3. Is there anything universally that a man can do that will make a woman instantly breakup with him?

Seems like women will attempt to work out any and everything. Not that it will be smooth sailing but cheating can be worked out. Murder can be worked out. Finding out your woman cheated on you is nearly universally grounds for a breakup amongst men. Just like throwing a skillet at my mother’s head. That will get you shorted. I’m curious.

4. Speaking of working things out, do women always think its the man who’s not working hard enough to fix the problems?

Most of us menfolks tend to think that women severely lack in the accountability department. Are we wrong? Do women realize when they’re f*cking up but just don’t like to let us know?

5. Why exactly do women ask questions like “you want to hit me?” after doing something that would obviously be worthy of a beat down? Like, why even ask that question?

I’m baffled by this.

6. Do women ever get over hating an ex that dumped her to the point that she doesn’t actively wish ill will up on him?

Seems like women tend to hold on to significant exes in such a way that they want them to suffer for not realizing how great they were. Thing is, men maybe don’t deal with our issues very well, but we pretty much let y’all arses go. Or so it seems.

Ladies, the floor is yours. Help us out. Like Anthony Hamilton so poignantly said, “why?”

Fellas, let’s get all of our questions out there. What do you want to ask the boobed massive of VSB?

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

When first hearing about the recent Harvard University/University of Virginia study that showed women to be more interested in and attracted to men if they don’t know whether this interest and attraction is reciprocated, my first thought was “Thank you, Captain Obviouses. Anything else you all need to tell me? Did a corresponding team of nutless monkeys also study whether it hurts when you spray Frank’s Hot Sauce in your eyes?”

Seriously, from the club and the existence of the close bus to “He’s Just Not That Into You” and the entire premise of “What Chilli Wants,” life and pop culture are filled with numerous examples of proof that many women tend to only get turned on by men who wouldn’t piss on them if they were on fire.

But, while this study rehashes a perpetually recycled point, it did inspire a few questions, most notably…

“Well, we already know that many women only dig men who just aren’t that into them. But, how does that affect everyone else? Most importantly, is there any collateral damage, and what exactly would that collateral damage be?”

I was feeling especially smart yesterday, so I tried to answer my own questions.

1. Men who do actually dig these women begin to think that they need to mimic the characteristics of the “liked” guys in order to get liked back, and they’re right to believe that. Only problem is that many of them adopt the wrong characteristics, get more frustrated, and get “unliked” even more.

This happens everyday.

Boy meets Girl at annual Delta Sigma Theta Tanqueray Drink-a-Thon. Boy’s into Girl, but Boy gets the feeling that Girl is about as enthusiastic about him as Cromartie is to condoms, and Boy is right. The only chance Boy has of getting between Girl’s sheets is if he hide in her laundry basket. Despite this, Boy stupidly allows himself to stay cool with Girl, and eventually becomes the de facto limp-d*cked shoulder to lean on as Girl gets played by guy after guy. Boy notices this, and begins to act distant and antagonistic towards girl — mimicking the characteristics of the guys Girl is interested in. Thing is, Boy doesn’t realize that Girl allows these guys to be distant and antagonistic because she’s interested in them. Basically, they have carte blanche to be assholes because they have other attractive qualities. Boy misinterprets this, though, and goes from “unattractive” to “unattractive asshole.” Frustrated, unliked, and stll celibate, Boy dons peacock feathers and sings “Eff You” at 2011 Grammy Awards.

2. Women begin to lose faith in all men…not just the ones who don’t want them.

You know, there’s a name for the type of person who’d write off an entire group of people just because a few of these people disappointed them, even though this endless disappointment is largely their fault. And by, “You know, there’s a name for the type of person who’d write off an entire group of people just because a few of these people disappointed them, even though this endless disappointment is largely their fault.” I mean “Women are crazy.”

3. The women who actually do like the guys mentioned in #1 — men who harbor unreciprocated affections for certain women — begin to resent the women these men harbor the unreciprocated affection for.

Quite possibly the most ironic(?) effect of the women only digging men who don’t really dig them phenomenon is the fact that this woman’s actions will eventually cause other, less sought after, women to resent them. But, while this sentiment may seem like 80 proof haterade on the surface, it’s more a sense of “Bitch, do you realize how hard you’re making it for all of us because your silly ass is still caught up with Floyd Mayweather???”

4. Guys used to women they’re lukewarm about going gaga over them start treating all women with the same general sense of apathy and subtle disdain.

Basically, you create new Diva Dudes; an entire batch of tuxedoed-for-no-good-gotdamn-reason assholes free to infest happy hours, game nights, and mixers with their excessively initialed stench. Ah Phooey!

Anyway, people of VSB.com, do you think women are more likely to be into men who really aren’t that into them? If so, why? Also, ladies: do you get annoyed when you see other women playing and dismissing perfectly good dudes for assholes?

Lastly, do you agree that this phenomenon has quite a few peripheral effects, and is this just an accepted part of the game? If a black blogger asked a bunch of contrived questions in the woods, would Chilli chase him down?

The carpet is yours.

—The Champ

• Purchase our new book, Your Degrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime on Amazon.com
• Get on the VSB VIP List!

Sorry ladies, but you have much more in common with her than you probably want to believe

“It’s really not surprising at all.”

“Why not?”

“Well, she’s a female human being—a woman. And, as far as I know, female human beings are entirely predictable. She reacted exactly how most women would have reacted in that situation.”

(The actual identity of “she” and the situation that prompted this discussion is insignificant. Just know that “she” did something that completely shocked my friend, who assumed that “she” wasn’t the type of woman to do something like that. I didn’t make that same assumption)

“Whatever.”

“Was that an “I’m done with this bullsh*t argument” whatever or a “I’m saying ‘whatever’ because I’ve been stumped and can’t think of any thing else to say” whatever”?

“Neither. It was a “If you were a man, I’d punch you in the mouth” whatever.”

“Cool.”

“Seriously though, by saying that women are completely unable to surprise you, you’re implying that all women are pretty much the same, right?”

“Right.”

“You don’t really believe that, do you?”

“Well, I was genuinely surprised by the size of Monica Calhoun’s ass in “The Players Club”¹. And, since I’ve never slept with Mila Kunis, I’d be completely surprised if she sent me an email tomorrow morning saying that she was five months pregnant with my child. But, I don’t know. I just don’t think that you all (women) are really all that different from each other. Are you all exactly the same? No. But, for a gender made up of millions of members who tend to define themselves by their “uniqueness,” you all seem to come from a set of maybe 9 different templates. That’s it. Every single one of you fits into one of those archetypes. Archeologists will unearth an ancient species of disproportionally well-endowed Cyclops dwarfs before anyone “discovers” a new type of woman. And, once you’ve met enough representatives from each of the nine types, you begin to notice trends, and these trends help you predict things. You can probably say the same thing about men too, i guess.”

(Actually, Max at Max Logic already did say the exact same thing about men. Read it if you get the chance. Also, don’t worry about a breakdown of the actual “types”, or even the number of types. 9 is an arbitrary number. I could have said “6″ or “13″. All that matters is that everybody, male and female, comes from one of several very common templates. There are no mold breakers, outliers, or anomalies in this regard.)

“Oh, I’d definitely say the same thing about men. I’ve met like 5,000 different men in my life, but I seem to keep meeting the same five guys”

“Exactly! You’re starting to see the light, grasshopper.

“LOL. That’s what she said.”

“I see that you still haven’t fully grasped the science behind when and where “that’s what she said” jokes are appropriate, and that’s mildly disappointing. I obviously still have a ton of work to do with you”

(Question: I am the only one who thinks that an appropriately timed “That’s what she said” joke is NEVER not funny? I even muttered it under my breath yesterday to the elderly lady at Urban Active who said “That’s alot. I don’t know if I could handle all of that” while deciding how much ginseng to put in my smoothie. It’s not a game with my “That’s what she said” game)

“Whatever. I thought it was funny, and that’s all that counts.”

“Okay, grasshopper. Keep believing that.”

¹I was sooo serious with this statement, btw. Monica Calhoun’s surprisingly delectable behind has to rank up there with “What, Verbal Kent is Keyser Soze!!!!” on the list of “The Biggest Movie Surprises of All-Time”

—The Champ