Hello.
My name is The Champ — “The Champ” for short –and I’m the coolest muthaf*cker any of you will ever meet.
I’m cool as hell. I’m cooler than ice, ice water, ice cream, “Glaciers of Ice,” and particularly anesthetized Icelandic women.
I’m to cool what crackheads are to Home Depot parking lots. If “being cool” was “being black,” I’d be the back of Shaq’s kneecaps.
My coolness is all-encompassing, commodious, incessant, omnipotent, prodigious and a bunch of other PSAT words I could have used because I’m too cool to just say “big,” bitch.
My cool plays chess while your cool eats checkers.
F*ck King Kong, the other side of the pillow aint got sh*t on me.
Basically, I’m the sh*t.
Being this cool didn’t happen overnight though. While I was born with many inherently cool-ass qualities – dark-brown skin the color of a clear cup of raspberry iced tea, an egg head, an anadromic first name, a shrimp eating mother and a dad with a fro the size of Pam Oliver’s ass, etc — its taken a bit of work to cultivate this cool. While I know it seems enviably natural, I didn’t become the Emo Mandingo overnight.
Anyway, while none of you lukewarm n*ggas will ever be as ice cold as me, here’s 10 ways to help you to be The Sh*t too
1. Answer questions that were never even asked
Nothing says Emo Mandingo like a bespectacled brother who’s asked a question but responds to it with an answer the person wasn’t even asking about.
For instance:
Lukewarm n*gga: “Yo. Did you hear that new Ghostface joint?”
Emo Mandingo: “Nah, I don’t want any steak. I’m probably going to get some pizza later anyway”
See?
2. Joke about being a nerd
When around company, refer to yourself as a “nerd” or “nerdy” even though you know you haven’t seen the inside of a library since the second season of “Twin Peaks.”
3. Make randomly nonchalant analogies that no one in their right mind would ever understand. Also, if you can, make allusions to people no one has ever heard of
Lukewarm n*gga: “Yo see that dunk Lebron had last night?”
Emo Mandingo: “Yeah, dawg. That sh*t was harder than a bowl of Cream of Wheat”
Lukewarm n*gga: “Huh?”
Emo Mandingo: “Seriously. He got higher than a Mexican Papsmear. The only other cat I’ve ever seen jump like that is Roscoe Chang”
4. Don’t drive anywhere, ever
Walk if you can. If you can’t walk, bus. If you can’t bus, go back to sleep. If you can’t go back to sleep, stand on your balcony and throw eggs at ZipCars.
***This, by the way, only works if you actually own a car.***
5. Make faces at people
Sometimes, your flagrantly excessive coolness will be so overwhelming that words won’t possess the worthiness to leave your cool-ass lips. Plus, remember: you’re The Sh*t. Actually speaking all the time is for the lukewarm.
Why say a sentence or type a paragraph when a series of simple shrugs or squints will suffice? So what if a sneer doesn’t really translate over the phone. You’re the cool one; the pressure’s on their lukewarm ass to interpret what you’re saying
6. Pay for stuff you can easily get for free
***Actually, this only applies to water, babies, drinking straws, purple objects, jitneys, and porn.***
7. Start a completely impractical trend
In the summer of 2002, I began wearing inside-out dress shirts to bed at night. Why? well, I’m The Sh*t, which means that I don’t have to explain sh*t to you.
8. Take showers during thunderstorms
Cumulonimbus deez, bitch.
9. Give yourself three theme songs, make sure they’re each “eclectic” for no good gotdamn reason, and play them in your head when talking to white people
For me, Monday through Thursday its Marvin Gaye’s “Trouble Man.” Friday it’s usually Fiona Apple’s rendition of “Across The Universe,” and on the weekends it’s a collection of cat farts I recorded in the fall of 2007.
10. Be unnecessarily descriptive, honest, informal, verbose, and vulgar when people least expect it
Lukewarm n*gga: “Hey, can you have those reports done by 3 o clock?”
Emo Mandingo: “F*ck yeah, boss. I won’t, though. These inane weekly reports remind me of my life’s futility, and if forced to complete them today, I’m going to hold a passive-aggressive grudge against you until I force you to either fire me, fight me, or become convinced I’m f*cking your wife.
Instead, I’m going to sit at my cubicle and stare at Freedarko.com while I fantasize about doing things to the barista at The Starbucks on the 1st floor; things that would still be illegal even if there were no laws. When finished fantasizing, I’m going to wait for you to take your usual 2:46 walk to the bathroom, and I’m going to sneak out of here. I’m also going to steal a couple packets of post-its from your desk when you’re gone.”
Lukewarm n*gga to himself: “Damn. how the hell can one man be so damn cool?”
Exactly, lukewarm n*ggas. Exactly.
Anyway people of VSB, although I know that none of you will ever be as cool as me, how exactly are you the sh*t, and what advice would you give people hoping to be as sh*tty as you?
—The Champ
- Purchase our new book, Your Degrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime on Amazon.com
- Get on the VSB VIP List!
I haven’t done a music post for real, for real in a second. But what the hell, it’s Friday, I’m sexxy, and we don’t have anything else to do.
Luther Vandross
I’m in the process of recreating some compilation CD’s 
“…dead rappers get better promotion…” ~ Jadakiss, “We Gonna Make It”