Is Your Sex Worth It?

Look at her Jean-Jacque. It's cheaper to keep her AND smang her. Hit her off a couple times and save $12K. It doesn't even have to be good!

We live in an odd world with an odd future. Wolf gang kill them all. Hell, Lil Wayne, an artist that for all intents and purposes is on that Mary J Blige Art plan – you know, needs to be high to produce quality art – just sold a million copies of an album in his first week. For the second time. This in a time when Kanye West and Jay-Z, two of the biggest hip-hop artists, combined project has yet to crack the million sales mark after being on the charts for three weeks.

And yes, I realize that the terms quality and Lil Wayne go together as well as hot and fat chicks, but to each his own and like it or not, Lil Wayne is prone to flashes of brilliance. By the way, I’m totally losing my point.

Ah yes, my point. So we live in an odd world. And in just in case you aren’t sure, our good friends, the Frenchpeople, have decided to make some revolutionary moves in the realm of marriage and divorce. You see, a Frenchman was recently fined and ordered to pay his ex-wife damages…

for lack of sex in their marriage. Maywage, that bwessed instution.

Basically, buddy didn’t live up to his required duties as a husband in the bedroom and wasn’t laying the wang down enough. And you know what…he had to pay what he owed.

To wit:

The 51-year-old man was fined under article 215 of France’s civil code, which states married couples must agree to a “shared communal life”.

A judge has now ruled that this law implies that “sexual relations must form part of a marriage”.

The rare legal decision came after the wife filed for divorce two years ago, blaming the break-up on her husband’s lack of activity in the bedroom.

A judge in Nice, southern France, then granted the divorce and ruled the husband named only as Jean-Louis B. was solely responsible for the split.

But the 47-year-old ex-wife then took him back to court demanding 10,000 euros in compensation for “lack of sex over 21 years of marriage”.

Those damn French. I tell you. I like their style. While I’m not sure I agree on having to pay a fine for not giving up the goods in the bedroom I do find it somewhat comical that a judge actually granted a divorce on the grounds of, well, no sex. Then again, those would irreconcilable differences like a motherf*cker. Especially after 21 years of marriage. Can you imagine being married to somebody for that long and having the wackest bedroom booty life ever?

Which begs the question, let’s say that over here, in America, you could be compensated for this malady in your marriage as part of the divorce proceedings. Just how in the f*ck do you come up with a reasonable fine for not giving up the goods? Is there some mathematical formula for just how many sexual encounters you SHOULD have had under reasonable circumstances, weighted for how many children you have, and a monetary value is assigned to each boink? What’s a reasonable amount of money to assign per smang? Fifty bucks? One hundred? Do they take into account inflation? What about the lagging economy? What about potential stressors due to job insecurity? What if your wife makes you watch stuff like “Say Yes To The Dress?” I mean that would limp me up right quick. Jeers to the freakin’ weekend, I can’t smang to that.

Here’s a better question, do you think people would be more inclined to indulge their partners in sexcapades if you knew you’d have to pay what you owed (like Santa) if you didn’t? With the exchange rate, dude got fined nearly $12,000 dollars for not smanging down his wife enough over the past 21 years. Do you know how much cut-up I could get for $12K??

I’m ’bout dat life. I remember reading something about some pastor attempting to require his congregants to engage in some form of sex for 30 days straight in an attempt to bring that necessary intimacy back into people’s lives. I think it’s very necessary. The point where you no longer want to touch your partner is obviously the beginning of the end. And it becomes sooo easy to just not do anything. That one day turns into two days turns into a month turns into a year and next thing you know you’ve had sex three times in the past five years and get your rocks off to the Bang Bro’s catalog and Vogue magazine.

You know what the f*ck sh*t is? This woman wanted to smang her husband and he cold shouldered her. Now, conventional wisdom tells us that dude was probably cheating. But don’t most men do that because they’re not getting it at home? And yet we seem to have a wife here who wanted to do her husband and he was blowing her off. No pun intended. That sucks. Again, no pun intended. She was SO offput that she filed a motherf*cking suit around it? Do you know how pissed off you have to make somebody for them to find THIS legal loophole? Like that’s just sticking it to the man.

Seriously, I’m not trying to pun it up. It just comes so easy.

Sorry.

I’ll tell you what, if my wife (assuming I ever get me one) tries to divorce me she’ll have to die because she ain’t gettin’ half OJ SIMPSON it won’t be for lack of smanging. Not if I’ll have to pay. She’ll get that opportunity every day and I’ll document it.

For the record ladies, you hold out on the PJ Smang and you’re getting hit up for WAY more than $12k. My smangage over 21 years is gonna run you a cool million. Bet that.

What do y’all think? Do the French have it right? Should  there be some sort of financial penalty for withholding sex from  your spouse? Should sex be legally constituted to be part of the institution of marriage in a legally binding fashion?

And what’s your going rate? No streetwalker.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3 IN THEORY BUT I HEARD FROM ASHENKASHAY YOU GOT TO CARRY THE 1

Anti-Pretty Proximity: Why Powerful Men Have Affairs With “Plain” Women

I'll be back...with some condoms and a pint of Baileys

(From a Gchat conversation last week)

J**: omg. you seen what the kindergarten cop got himself kicked out the kennedys over????
Champ: i haven’t. i wouldnt be surprised if she wasn’t attractive, though
J**: its ridiculous
J**: she looks like she works at the fiesta mart. repeat: he got KICKED OUT OF THE KENNEDYS OVER THE CHECK OUT LADY AT THE FIESTA MART
he’s an ungrateful ass nigga
we let him come into our country
star in our shitty action movies
marry into our elite
and run our most trifling state
and THIS is what we are given?
he goes and knocks down the bitch from the fiesta mart????
Champ: LOL. you’re funny
J**: im dead ass serious
Champ: thats what makes it funny
J**: i feel like we should deport his ass

If I made a list of “Recent happenings that shocked me about as much the f*cking sunrise, the news that an ultra-rich, ultra-famous governor had a decade long affair that produced a lovechild would be first, right after  “Chris Bosh dunks and awkwardly pounds his chest like a velocipede” and “if I leave the bathroom door open when I pee, my girlfriend’s cat will try to jump in the toilet (again) and will probably succeed (again).”

Am I implying that it’s usually a forgone conclusion that an ultra-powerful man will be unfaithful to his wife? No. I’m explicitly stating that it’s usually a forgone conclusion that an ultra-powerful man will be unfaithful to his wife. No need to be all Pollyanna about power and sexual psychology.

But, what seems to really bother people like my friend J** isn’t the fact that Schwarzenegger stepped out, but that this rich and famous man — a man who governs in a state known for having a ton of very attractive and very, um, “free-spirited” women — chose to jeopardize his marriage for someone a bit plainer than the type of woman a powerful man should be able to easily pull.

(More J**)

J**: women have no such weakness
J**: i have never seen a woman display such a lack of judgment
J**: you never hear about women having sex with pookie the crackhead bc he was nearby
at least if you go to all-star weekend to have sex with whoever are the current basketball players of the day
you have a chance of accruing child support
you know
as opposed to aids and herpes
and not much else
Champ: those chicks aint f*cking lebron, though
they’re making trips down there to f*ck lebron’s cousins
J**: lol

Despite my jokes, I can see J**’s point. While unfaithful women tend to cheat “up” (To be honest, the jury is still out on this “fact” as well. There are quite a few women married to lawyers and doctors and sh*t who get their backs blown out by school bus drivers, barbers, and relationship bloggers), history is full of examples of powerful men — Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan, every character Michael Beach has ever played, etc — choosing relatively unattractive women to cheat with (And “relatively unattractive” in this case means that these men are in positions that give them access to more traditionally appealing women), a phenomenon that doesn’t seem to make much sense…at least until you realize that the majority of these situations share the same characteristic.

Anti-Pretty Proximity

You see, proximity matters more than any other factor — trumping physical attraction  – when these types of men end up having these prolonged affairs. It’s the one tie that binds Monica Lewinsky, Sahel KazemiMildred Baena, and countless other mistresses, the one thing that’ll make a powerful man who should be used to and (somewhat) impervious to the potentiality of new p*ssy risk everything for a “CHECK OUT LADY AT THE FIESTA MART,” the one reason why truly smart wives make sure that their senator husbands have 72 year old male maids, personal assistants, and secretaries.

They (the husbands) see these women (the mistresses) over and over and over again, and this has a habit of turning appreciation into attraction, attraction into desire, and desire into a yearning. And, since these are powerful men used to getting their way, they don’t stop until the yearning is fulfilled (repeatedly)

The Anti-Pretty part comes into play because, well, these wives aren’t stupid. They know their husbands have wandering eyes, so you better believe that they’re preemptively vigilant — doing what they can to limit and/or void his interactions with any woman she deems a threat.

“His new personal trainer’s boobs are a bit too perky? Hmm, maybe we should join a gym and start working out together.”

“The barista at his favorite Starbucks is a bit too cute and flirty? That’s easy. I’ll just buy him one of those $1,000 cappuccino machines so he has no excuse to go there anymore”

“Our nanny walks around like she wants to get f*cked? Wait, I’m a Kennedy, right? Can’t I just have her killed?”

But, the mistress’s plainness allows her to slip by undetected, as the wife is practically insulted to even consider thinking of her as a threat.

“What? Lupe? The gardener bitch with seven fingers on her left hand? The one who smells like Swiffer and wasabi? Please. I know my man has dog tendencies, but give the n*gga some credit at least”

You wonder why Arnold decided to have an affair with the help and how he managed to have a child with a woman that his wife saw practically everyday for 10 years? That’s how. Anti-Pretty Proximity

I told my friend J** about the Anti-Pretty Proximity theory last night. Her reply?

J**: so sad. well, “you cheated on me???  when i specifically asked you not to????” would be the last thing that any cheating husband of mine ever heard. bc i would shoot him dead
probably on vacation
Champ: you would take him on vacation to shoot him dead?
J**:  yes

—The Champ

No rapture means that God wants you to stay on Earth and purchase the paperback or the $9.99 Kindle version of “Your Degrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime”

We’d like to thank all of you for coming through and nominating us for FIVE Black Weblog Awards. We’re on the final ballot for Best Humor Blog, Best Writing in a Blog, Best Sex & Relationships Blog, Best Group Blog, and Blog of the Year. Please vote for us here.

Never Scared, Until I Met You

There’s a fairly popular misconception and myth that most men are commitment phobes. We’ve somewhat dispelled it here by clearly outlining, stenciling, and color-coordinating that it isn’t that men are scared of commitment. Heavens no. We’re merely scared of committing to the wrong person, which I’ve gathered is something women aren’t so much afraid of. Seems that women are more afraid of losing out on the investment they’ve put in, even if it has yielded not so positive returns. Either way, there’s a disconnect there. AT&T.

But there is a fairly silent minority of women out there who have experienced a certain kind of commitment phobic man: the man who’s afraid of too much like right. While I generally frown upon women’s insistence that men are intimidated by their stature, career, Lladro collection, or faux Faberge egg prints (it’s never true ladies), there is one area where some men just might be intimidated. And that’s when a man meets the woman he never thought he’d meet before he’s ready to have met her.

Allow me to set the scene. Oh, you over there…could you turn out the lights, and light a candle. Tonight I’m in a romantic mood…girl let’s take…wait…where am I.

Sorry.

*ahem*

Guy is out at a swanky Detroit River cruise down Woodward Avenue populated by the kind of people who actually believe it’s possible to take a Detroit River Cruise down Woodward Avenue. We shall call him Guy. He sees a darling woman across the way and saunters over in the non-suspect way possible to said gal. We shall call her Gal. Guy and Gal strike up a convo that moves with amazing fluidity. I mean, this convo is fluid, Jack. Lighter. Wiper. Brake. It’s all of those wrapped up in one. They hit it off instantly and realize how many interests they share. Now guy is caught completely off-guard (as is actually how most of us end up with girlfriends. We’re rarely looking, we just happen to find the one of you that throws us off of our game and we don’t fight it. Real talk.).

Guy makes the determination that results in more marriages in the Black community: she’s different.

[SIDENOTE: Seriously, have you all realized that when a guy is in love with a woman, one of the first descriptors he uses when somebody asks why is "different?" We're all looking for the snowflakes that women all swear to be. We like snow. Which makes sense as to why we move so much of that white stuff.]

Guy is finding himself swooning over Gal. But there’s just one problem: he’s 25. And he’s not ready to be locked down. But he sees so much potential with her, except he knows that there’s no way he could be faithful right now because he’s got a few degrees and lives in Washington, DC. But the problem is, this woman is too much like right. She’s not only attractive, but she’s the marrying type. Something about her gives him insight into what his future could look like. He sees the picket fence, 4.6, 2.5 children and rottweiler-dalmation thoroughbred.

And Guy nuts up. He’s not ready for the future, but he knows if he continues to date Gal, he’s going to end up married. He’s got too much life to live and too many things to do before he’s ready to settle down for good. And be clear, I think a lot of us know, or at least suspect, when we’re going to end up married to a woman. If it doesn’t make it to that point, it’s as much of a surprise to some of us as it is to you all.

Point is, I actually believe in this. It’s part of the reason why some women end up messing with guys who go back and forth so much and cause so much relationship drama. The woman is ready to bet the house and the man knows that he should bet the house but he’s got one foot in a world that he’s afraid to miss. And it’s not always about chasing women. Sometimes it’s just the freedom of it all. But it happens all the time. Guy finds the different Gal, realizes it, but just can’t give her what she needs…but hopes she’ll still be around when he’s ready to move on to stage 2.

While this doesn’t pertain to all women – let’s be real, all of you all aren’t the “immediate proposal” types – I’m aware that this has happened to plenty of women…and men. Let’s be real, it’s scary as hell to realize that you’re staring the future in the face. Especially when you’ve spent so much time either assuming that you’d never find the exact woman you were looking for or never believed she could possibly exist so you settled for a makeshift Lauren London with good genes and an iPhone with a Wikipedia app.

I mean there’s a reason Guy named their album The Future, right? What does that have to do with the price of loincloth in the Bering Straits? I don’t know either.

Anyway, what say you, menfolks, are there women you’ve been intimidated by because she seemed too right? And ladies, do you think a man has ever dipped out because he couldn’t handle the fact that you two were too well suited for one another?

Is there a heart in the house? If so, stand up.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka SHUGGIE JACKSON aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

***Also, check out Panama’s post on Guyspeak, “Do You Have An Emotional Tampon, Ladies” and read some of P’s answers to about maid of honor speeches, pedicures, and all around gangstatry. ****

5 signs that you just might have to marry her ass

yo, son: when you gonna stop d*ckin around and marry her ass?”

even though we all know a chick or three that would cut her closest homegirl’s throat if forced to choose between her and her man, the prevailing thought is that a woman’s girlfriends have an unparalleled influence on who she chooses to date.

in truth, a man’s best friend actually welds more power than any other third party.

noone, not his dad, his deacon, or his dealer has as much “she aint right for you, dog” veto power as a guy’s acebooncoon. even if they’re not exactly paragons of relationship health themselves, they’re usually ultra cynical genius-level bullshit detectors when it comes to who their homie happens to be dating because they knowknow you better than anyone else, and truly want you to be happy.

because of this, men need to pay extra close attention when their best friend asks em, “when you gonna stop dickin around and marry her ass?”, because any woman your best friend would actually say that about is definitely a keeper, even if you haven’t realized it.

anyway, although countless viewings of the obama calenders in our cubicles have given us an idea of what a keeper might look like, many of us wouldn’t recognize a. keeper even if she were giving us a lapdance while rocking twin “hi. i’m a. keeper” tassels on her chest.

this is even more pronounced with brothas who, educated or not, all could use a bit more help figuring out that there’s no real correlation between ring-worthiness and ass-to-waist ratio.

to help our vsb’s out, and as another example of our crime-fighting ideals, here’s four more signs that she’s probably a keeper…and you just might have to marry her ass: Continue reading

Taking The Lead

FemaleBusinessSuitI’m not going to give Beyonce too much credit here, but ever since Destiny’s Child informed the world that they were Independent Women, it’s become a rallying cry.

You go to the club and the DJ yells for all of the independent women to throw their hands up.  Personally, I miss the “rub your breastsstssts” demands, but hey, times have changed.  Nowadays, women make it a point to let you they own everything from the roota to the toota.  And that’s all well and good, but I wonder if all of this independence hasn’t come at a cost. Continue reading