11 Things That Men Do That Are Attractive ONLY If You’re Interested

This picture has nothing to do with the post. Shoutouts to the northeast.

This picture has nothing to do with the post. Shoutouts to the northeast.

Recently, I came across a slight ridiculous and mostly no-sh*t-Sherlock list on Huffington Post (courtesy of Reddit) entitled, “The 11 Most Attractive Things That Men Do Without Even Realizing It”. While I can appreciate a list like this existing and being curated via a question from somebody asking what men do that that we O.E.N.O. that has the lady parts flourishing, I side-eyed this list with the passion of a Peyton Manning interception. Mostly because just like with anything else in life, all things are attractive when you’re interested. EVERYTHING.

Why? Well only ewe can make me do the things I do. Such as…be like say heffa say what at:

7. Concentrate hard. “I love the look a guy has on his face when he is trying to figure something out,” one user wrote. No know-it-alls required.”

Let’s just keep it onehunnid. Despite constantly telling us menfolks that we don’t deserve any cookies for just doing things your supposed to do (raising your kids, not going to jail, waking up in the morning, etc), women stay giving us cookies for things we’re just supposed to do (raising our own kids, not going to jail, waking up in the morning, etc). The fact that “thinking” was on a list of things that are attractive without us even knowing it is the reason why people keep watching Love & Hip-Hop. I will forever believe this. Also on this list are: “laugh out loud” “roll up one’s shirtsleeves” and “use eye contact” <—presumably at the strip club.

While the list does have some merit, I suppose, I’m not a woman afterall, I figured I’d go ahead and toss out a much more useful list. One with a bit more insight into the human condition…the Vidal Sassoon of the spirit if you will. A bit of Garnier Fructis for the soul. So here are 11 things that men do that are attractive ONLY if you’re interested in him.

1. Talk about marriage

If a woman is interested and you don’t seem like an axe murderer, telling her that you’re going to marry her (even on the first date) isn’t the most stalkerish thing you can do. Meanwhile, if she’s NOT interested in you, jokingly texting her a marriage proposal leads to screenshots, restraining orders, and relocations. No matter WHEN you do it.

In the same vein…

2. Talking about having children

Here’s the “does she like me” test: tell a chick you want to give her a baby. If she’s feeling you, she’ll laugh and make some comment about what the combination of your genes would produce. If she’s not? Well, consider that love connection more dead than, hey…did y’all know that Chuck Woolery is still alive?

3. Show Up Uninvited

PSA: Never EVER do the drop by house visit without calling first. There are too many technological advancements available to you that renders any excuse for not touching base a complete lie at worst and a perfect storm of unfortunate events at best. But, you are MUCH less likely to get cursed out if she actually likes you. The first time, it might be a shock but could be considered romantic (hence the attractive part) as long as you have a plan. Like, show up and say, hey, let’s go. Don’t talk just listen (*cue DeVante keyboard riff*). But if she doesn’t f*ck with you my rap? Yeah…that is going to go soooooooooo badly.

Don’t show up uninvited, people.

4. Be the center of attention

If she likes you, she will love that you can work a room and socialize. It’s like honeysuckle breeze to women. They love a confident man who is in full control. Then there’s the other end where you’re just an arrogant f*ck who needs attention. You might as well be Rich Dollaz.

5. Call and/or text repeatedly

Who are we kidding, nobody makes phone calls anymore. That sh*t ain’t cute. She likes you, you’re being attentive and giving her attention. She doesn’t, you’re a motherlovin’ bugaboo. “Why does this fool keep textin’ me…DAMN!”

6. Take seflies

It is a commonly held belief that men shouldn’t take selfies. I piss all over this assertion because how else are you supposed to document the hot dog you are eating at the time. Selfies are daily journal entries. Well, as long as your boo is feeling you, they’re cute and she likes the way you stand at that 74 degree angle with your hat bill facing the sun at the just the ring angle to allow the angels of heavens to dance the macarena in your eyes. Reverse that and you know how she feels if she can’t stand your bum ass.

7. Breathe

She likes you, its cute when you breathe. She doesn’t? She wishes you’d stop. Oh my bad, that’s number 12 on the HuffPo list.

8. Be an idealist

You know, one of those people who spends his time dreaming of the next level while having no clue how to get there? Yeah, that sh*t cute my nword. Until it isn’t. You’re really just a broke dude who probably lives with your momma if she ain’t interested. There’s nothing attractive about being broke.

9. Colorblocking

You fashionable motherf*cker, you. Well, either that or, “why does he look like a bag of Skittles?” There’s very little middle ground.

10. Rapping/Producing

Probably the truest litmus test of interest. Women who like you will support your dreams and find creative so aphrodisiasical. The rest of the female populace just thinks you’re a clown, Krusty.

11. Blogging

A close cousin to rapping/producing. When women like you, you’re a writer. And writers are attractive because they have a way with words. And chicks dig words. When they don’t, you’re just a motherf*cker with some random blog that nobody gives two f*cks about. Trust me, I’m a blogger.

What else you got? What is attractive ONLY if you like him (they like us)?

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. SHE LOVES ME SHE LOVES ME NOT aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

 

Don’t Cry Bro! People Are Watching!

He is definitely going to cry in the car.

He is definitely going to cry in the car.

As I do on occasion, I was having a very interesting conversation with a very interesting woman in my life. Now this particular friend is one who I’m able to confide in and she does the same to me. We tend to tell each other the good, the bad, the ugly; Big said get your money ain’t no tellin’ if they gon’ love me.

Well, this particular interesting woman with whom I’m was having a very interesting conversation, who also happens to be enlightened beyond Photoshop’s capabilities went on a date to see a very popular movie now with a man. In said movie are some scenes that may or may not draw some emotion out of the viewing public. In short, the man cried.

Or as we say in the Black community, man down. Pimp in distress.

Now my homegirl told me that while watching this movie she turned to her manfriend who she saw shedding thug tears and he hit her with the “don’t look at me” move. I’m a proponent of the “I’ve got allergy” sniffle and sweep. But you have to prepare that one in advance. You don’t just get allergies at the movie theater. None of this is here nor there.

My man shed thug tears at a movie that had a scene ‘pacifically intended to draw thug tears. She knew it. He knew it. And even despite this knowledge, she had the same reaction that Future had upon hearing Rich Homie Quan the first time.

She felt some type of way.

*rimshot*

(Seriously, that was dope right? It’s okay. You can tell me. I killed that pun.)

Now look, we’ve had these conversations before. If a man stubs his toe and actually starts boohooing, well yes, you have every right to feel like you have made the same type of decision Kanye made when he drew up the treatment for the “Bound 2″ video. A bad one. A very bad one. A man crying because he hurt his toe is just as bad as that video. It is the “Bound 2″ of b*tchassness. This is fair.

But…

…can I kick it?

Yes you can.

Can I kick it?

Yes you can.

Can I kick it?

Yes you can….

…well I’m gone. What ever is a person to do when something actually draws on real  human emotion but actually displaying said emotion will more than likely cause you to be viewed in a less than positive light. I’m not talking about Draking and driving or getting drunk and calling your ex at night and professing your love and all that jazz. That’s not a good look for any man. But full disclosure, I have definitely cried at Disney movies. The Lion King f*cked me all up. And it was supposed to. When Nemo’s mommy got ated all the way up at the beginning of Finding Nemo…I definitely may have cried for Argentina.

To date, I have shed tears because of two songs: Donny Hathaway’s version of “A Song For You” and Phyllis Hyman’s “Be Careful (How You Treat My Love)”. Both have drawn real emotions out of me. In fact, I can remember the first time I truly listened to the Phyllis Hyman song on the way to NYC and damn near having to pull over because it affected me so much.

I’m as manly a man as you’re going to find. There’s no one in town half as manly, I’m (nearly) perfect, a pure paragon. I mean you can ask any Tom, Dick, or Stanley, and they’ll tell you whose team they prefer to be on. So if I ever feel a need to shed a tear, I’m comfortable enough in myself to do so. I’ve heard people say that crying is a cleansing, and I don’t know about all that, nor do I know if we each have a destiny, or if we’re all just floating around. What I do know is that if I’m watching a movie and something that is supposed to make people cry happens, and I cry, and you look at me like I’m crazy I may have to pinch you really hard.

I realize that crying is one of those divisive topics when it comes to manhood. Any man can cry over the loss of a loved one. Well, he can cry over his momma, grandmomma, children, and if he knows his father, maybe his father. Oh, and abrupt and sudden losses of friends are also okay. But almost any and everything else is out because a man who has emotions that can be easily drawn out is a man with an asterisk.

Right? Ladies? Right? Even guys look at men who may shed a tear a certain way. Granted, many of us have cried in front of our boys (if need be). I know I have. But I also really like good things and it hurts when people boo. You can’t just be crying outchea in front of any body either. You’ll either get punched in the chest (ironically this does not help you not shed a tear) or get berated (more irony as this makes you cry on the inside).

I guess my interpretation of the situation is this, we all hear about the situations when it may (or may not) be okay for a man to shed a tear or 27. We know those, but here’s my question, why exactly is it such a turn off for women to see a man cry EVEN at societally determined appropriate times? What is it?

We’ve got to admit there’s a certain irony in fighting gender roles but still holding tight to certain stereotypes of gender specific behavior…right?

Who you callin’ a b*tch ain’t just about women’s rights, ya know!

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka VITAMIN P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIÎIRL HE A 3

 

She Just Needs To Kiss More Frogs

[Admin Note: Today I'm handing the dais off to the home, S. Malik Husser. He wrote here once before and was a host with me on the now defunct Blaqout radio show on Blis.fm. Please welcome the homey to the podium. Be kind. Play nice. - PJ]

kissing-frogsI write this for the guy who wasn’t the star athlete in high school.  Who was class president in college, instead of the popular frat guy.  This is for the very smart brother who isn’t seen as the cool kid, but definitely cool in his own right.  

(PJ Edit: I happen to know Mr. Husser really well. He was both the class president and in a frat. I’m not saying, but I’m saying. I’d also wager that the class president is likely a very popular person. That’s just me speaking though. Malik, I’m looking at you.)

Just an all around great guy who likes a girl, but she’s just not that into you.  Matter of fact, she doesn’t even know you exist.  Why? Because you aren’t the shiny new object in the club, spraying champagne, with the latest (place name brand here) belt or hat, which could potentially be fake, because, well, bootlegging is real out here.  Or because you choose to invest your money into actual assets instead of financial liabilities, like high-end cars, aimless nights partying, or people that you won’t remember next week.

(PJ Edit: I’ve never attempted to spray champagne on anybody in the club. It seems like a great idea for a video but a terrible idea in practice. Ain’t no woman who isn’t being paid to be there who is going to take too well to getting sprayed. Plus, there’s no coming back from that. You’d have a problem on  your hands that even Olivia Pope couldn’t fix.More  plusses, have you seen champagne prices at clubs? Real talk, in DC at this club called Opera, there is a $75,000 methuselah bottle of Ace of Spades on the menu. NOBODY CAN DRINK THAT. But for $75K, we are gonna try like Frank Ocean does.)

Here’s the thing, she’s not into you, because she can’t see you. And the reason she can’t see you is because all she can see is green…frogs that is. (yeah, there was a double meaning there).

However, even though that’s the case, she’s still beautiful.  She’s still sexy…and from afar, she’s inconceivably witty.  She’s always laughing, and it seems like she’s always having a good time with all the cool kids, at the coolest parties.  Crazy thing is, you are there too, at the same events and same places.  But like in high school, her clique doesn’t recognize you, UNLESS you are IN their clique.

(PJ Edit: The best way to counter this is to walk around singing, “ain’t nobody f*cking with my clique, clique, clique, clique, clique…” as this will make people immediately attempt to observe your clique.)

Regardless, she still holds your attention.  No matter how many times you see her out with a different man about town, you still see her as YOUR Elizabeth Taylor.   Unimagined beauty, that’s timeless.  You can’t take your eyes off of her.  You’ve even made eye contact once…well, you thought you did.  

Still you hold on to hope.

(PJ Edit: This is that Obama stuff. Meanwhile, I’m going on three days of being temporarily fired. Hope deez.)

As you should.

Because in truth, this is her journey, and if you really want her to SEE you, she has to have these experiences. However, you too must walk your own road.  So what you don’t fit into her world.  You are building your own universe.  So what she isn’t paying you any attention, now. It’s not until she’s kissed enough frogs that she will ever realize it.

If all she knows are frogs, how are you to expect her to recognize a prince?  You can’t very well walk around wearing a crown and then tell her fix her hair in its reflection.  After all, you aren’t Jay Z (no hyphen).

Let her continue upon her path.  Jumping from lily pad, to lily pad, living the pond life.  After a while, she’ll be exhausted from all of the aimless jumping.  And when she’s looking for a reprieve, she’ll notice that there’s a bridge over her moat that leads to a very immaculate structure. 

It is then when you’ll find out first hand whether she is your princess.  Whether she is actually more than the life of the party….or was she just the party.  Her beauty is still inextricably in tact, but come to think of it, Elizabeth Taylor was married 8 times. (Who was number 8??  Geez..)

So, I say to you my fellow unassuming, charming geek that the prom queen never notices.  Let time take its course.  And allow her frog kissing to commence.  In the meantime, walk your journey and watch your path unfold.  In the end, if it’s time she needs to earn the lenses to see your beauty, than time she should have.  It’s her decision how she ends up. 

(PJ Edit: Let’s keep it 100. We outchea kissing frogs too. Some of us are kissing actual frogs. I see WSHH.)

And based on this theory…..Rihanna still has time to finally SEE me one day.

So what say you? Good advice? Bad advice?

-S. Malik Husser

100 Words On Love: Scared to F*cking Death

***Joanna Schroeder, editor at The Good Men Project, has an ongoing series where she asked a select group of writers to each offer 100 words about love. I originally wrote something that was 130 words, and after about an hour or so of edits, got it down to 99. Anyway, this is what I had to say.***

There’s one part about being in love that people currently there don’t really share. Admittedly, this seems practical. I imagine they want others to eventually be there too, so they volunteer personal examples of the want, weightlessness, and fulfillment associated with it to make others eager to join their club.

I’m currently experiencing this. And it is fucking great.

I’m also scared to death of losing her—to cancer, to car accidents, to E coli, to mutant land sharks—and I’m annoyed no one warned me that an increasingly irrational fear of an inevitable occurrence would come with this gotdamn fucking package.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

If You’re Happy, Then I’m Good…Maybe I’ll See You Next Lifetime…

Awwwwwwwwwwwwkward.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwkward.

Have you seen the movie 10 Years? If not, what will follow are some spoilers of sorts. If you’ve never heard of it, then don’t sweat it and just continue reading.

It’s a 2011 movie that stars Channing Tatum and his wife (can’t remember her name) and a cast of folks you’d know by face if not by name and my boo, Rosario Dawson. It’s a movie about a 10 year high school reunion. Pretty simple premise. You’ve got the bully who wants to make amends even though its not really that genuine despite his protestations that it is. You’ve got the guys who never grew up; the wigger turned back white boy whose wife is agitated by his prior life as a Black kid trapped inside of a white kids body. You’ve got the now famous recording artists whose…well, no need to spoil it all. Point is, it’s a movie about a high school reunion.

Well the crux of the story is about Jake (Tatum) and Mary (Dawson). They’re both in committed relationships now and really both wanted to see one another even if Jake probably mostly only brought his woman assuming that Mary wouldn’t be there. Clearly, they’re high school exes who fell apart, not because of love but because of circumstance. Let me be upfront, I’m a sucker for movies like this. Any movie that has significant nostalgia, reflection, and realization is a win for me.

It’s clear that Jake and Mary still have “something” for one another even if they’ve both moved on. The love is still there, evidenced by the awkward hug they give one another. You ever notice that when you have any sort of feelings for somebody, hugs are awkward? That’s the best way to tell if somebody is feeling somebody else…the way they touch one another in the most innocent way possible. It’s poignant and telling.

Well, after they’ve effectively pissed off their significant others with tremendous awkwardness, to the point that both SOs excuse themselves from the festivities from the evening, they get the moments they needed.

The moments to know that the other is okay. They haven’t spoken in 8 years and likely never stopped thinking of one another the entire time. Hell, they admit to trying to find each other, something I’m sure we’ve all done and do with people we care about even if we don’t contact them any longer for various reasons. That’s made even easier with social networking – which neither of them has.

After the night comes to a close and everybody is leaving, neither is truly ready to leave until they get to have a short but necessary conversation where they catch up and find out if the other person is happy. They embrace. The thing that stands out to me about their situation is that its clear that they never stopped loving each other. They just had to move on.

Even Jake’s girlfriend has to ask before she drives off, “what happened? Why did you all break up?” because it’s clear that there’s a “there” there. And while neither is prepared to explore that “there” anymore, they still love one another. They have an entire world to themselves that nobody else can truly appreciate or understand short of their closest friends there at the reunion.

But in those final moments you can tell that they are two people who got the chance to make sure that the person they truly love…like that real palpable love, is cool. And that is needed to go on about life okay. Even if they never speak again…they got that satisfaction. In the most non-sensical parallel possible, its like when you have a insane sexual chemistry with somebody for so long that you just need to smash to get it out of your system…and when you all do, you can go on about life either as friends or as folks you never speak to again. Odd, but it makes total sense and I’m sure along side Miley Cyrus twerking right now, it is happening somewhere in America.

In the words of Anthony Hamilton, and the point of it all is this: I wonder if most of us have that person that we truly love even if there isn’t anything more that can come of it. Jake and Mary were completely innocent in their desires to reconnect. They just needed to know. I know I’ve had that person…and I know she’s good. We’ll always have the weirdest of connections, to the point where I’m not even sure I can explain it. So I don’t try. It’s unnecessary. I’m good. She’s good. And we’ll always be people who love one another and it goes no further than that. It’s not active love. It’s somewhere out there, somebody is thinking about me so I never have to worry about being a nobody. It’s mostly odd because for many of those situations it is offputting for significant others, and it seems more guilty than it is…but sometimes you just need a few moments alone just to know folks are okay. That’s love.

So…do you have that kind of person? Is it okay to have that kind of person if you’re in a relationship? If you do, how the hell did it come to pass like that? Or are you one of the fortunate people where the past is always the past for you….period?

What’s love?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka lower.case.p aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3