Tag Archives: love

The Man’s Man List of Cost Efficient, Planned Dates

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Aww, a Black family without guns. We're like the Obamas.

Make sure you check out the second installment of The Don’ts of Dating: How To Lose A Good Thing in 8 Days (Part 2 of 2) by VSB P and Rahiel over at Urban Cusp. It’s as good as Part 1. Shoot them things and holler, ge-ge-get ‘em girl.

Now you may read that title and think that I mean cheap. But the truth is the key to a woman’s heart isn’t in how much you spend; it’s in how much thought you put into it. See, b*tches love the smiley face. But what they love more than the smiley face is effort and thoughtfulness. Yes fellas, if you spend even five minutes thinking about what you’d like to do to show her that you care you are winning.

And for the record: dinner/movie/smang does not take five minutes to conjure.

Why am I writing this? Well for one, I’m motherf*cking benevolent. For b, it’s Christmas and after you blow all of your dough on Christmas presents, you’re going to need all of January through November to recoup. Ladies, take heed…our pockets are going to be short for the rest of the year. The. rest. of. the. year.

Well here’s a caveat for you fellas. Many of us are afraid of simping out for some woman that we may not even like. Except, you are already interested because you are taking her out. Give it up. Turn it loose. Take off your cool and realize that giving a sh*t about a woman is how we got here. Sure they drive us crazy, but evolution and your namesake can’t show up unless you put in some work.

With that being said, here’s a list of cost-efficient but thoughtful dates that women wouldn’t be mad at.

1. Let’s take, a long walk.

In the middle of the day. On her lunch break. Yep. Show up at her job, call her and tell her to meet you outside because you wanted to take a walk with her. Do you know why you stay winning here? The element of surprise. Women love surprises that show you’re thinking about them. And whats more intimate than taking a walk with somebody? You’re stuck for that however long time you’re traversing those sidewalks in the concrete jungle. Plus women looooooooooooove them some good company. Keep her laughing and smiling and a little innocent random shoulder brushes and she’ll f*ck around and fall in love before you hit 0.2 miles.

2. Picnics

And the crowd said, “duh”. Look, picnics are the great leverage equalizer. Sure you’re trying to get some stank out of her. But you ended up actually liking her. And do you know how I know you ended up liking her? Ain’t no ninja about to expend the energy it takes to put together a picnic on a woman he ain’t feeling. Word.Life. A picnic is not an easy thing to pull off. You have to make everything. Find a locale. Buy a checkered blanket (it ain’t a wifebeater unless its white and it ain’t a picnic unless the blanket is checkered), and you need a basket. You’re going to have to take your happy arse to a Michael’s or something to get a basket. Not a container ninja. Oh, and the point about trying to get you some stank? Well, after you do a picnic (which can be cheap though it takes effort), she’ll be trying to figure out when to give it to you. All you do is win, win, win no matter what.

Oh, and if you combo number 1 and number 2, SHE might propose to you. That’s thoughtful.

3. Go watch the sunset…befo.

There are very few things more romantic than just sitting out and staring at stars or a sunset together. It’s like looking at motherf*cking ducklings, pimpin. You ever take a chick to look at ducklings and not fall in love? You have to be a cold duck (no pun intended) to look at a duckling and not fall in love. Sunset? Ducks? Same sh*t.

4. Museum

I live in DC so this might be cheating but all of our good museums are free. Same with our zoo. Going to the museum intimates culture. And chicks like culture. Even hood rats think going to a museum means something. You get kudos for going to one of the off kilter ones too. Don’t just hit up American History. Hit up Natural History and check out the dinosaur bones. And fossils. Or go to an aquarium. Aquariums rock. Word to Pookie. Our Aquarium in DC is like 8 bucks. And it is an 8 dollar ass aquarium. But it’s underground and its a cool excursion. Because who thinks to go to the Aquarium. That sounds like you thought about it. Thinking? That’s effort, ninja. Or a botanical garden. Go learn something motherf*cker.

5. Things we think white people do

Like ice skating. You saw The Program. Word up.

6. Most importantly, things you heard her say she likes

This one is hard because it requires listening. I know, listening is for suckas. But the truth is, if you listen to a woman talk long enough she’ll give you all kinds of interests of hers and you can take one word like “travel” or “food” and find some cool travel exhibit. For free my ninja! Or take her on a “cook your own ethnic food” date. Actually, that last one might run you. Don’t do it. Buy her an ethnic cookbook and say, let’s cook together. Cooking together? Quality time. And women love quality time. Do you know why? It means you’re thinking about her. Which makes it thoughtful.

Score.

Those are a few ideas. My people, what else do you have? Ladies, help us out. Let us know your most thoughtful date or what would constitute a perfect date to you? And fellas, what else you got. Contribute to the database!!!!

Out.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TRENDSETTER P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL YOU A 3

 

The #vsblockout Is Over (We Think)

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They love me. They love me not.

Hi.

My name is Panama Jackson. You may remember from such websites as VSB BP (before pr0n) or VSB BTSSFU (before the site started f*cking up). I have a partner named Champ and a bawse named Liz. We write ’bouts relationships. race, pop culture…you know, the usual.

Enough of the intros. It feels good to be home. You may be wondering, just what the f*ck happened to the site, and what’s with all of the issues we’ve been having around here? Or you may have left a comment saying “VSB used to be dope. It ain’t what it used to be around here.”

Boo hoo ni**a.

Let’s rap a taste. So what was Gucci my ninja? Well it turns out we got robbed. Actually we got hacked. Some big evil bad man (think Dr. Evil with an afro wig and some chopsticks) came into our lifespace and f*cked our site the f*ck up. Got real belligerent and ignant. Just disrespectful. The site got overloaded and crashed multiple times. Every time we thought it was fixed (due to some handy work by Liz) we got inundated with more f*cksh*t. It’s like we were fat because we couldn’t stop eating, and we couldn’t stop eating because we were fat. I love lamp.

The thing that was most annoying for us was that we knew that folks were getting pissed and frustrated. And so were we. Champ and I nearly drove Liz to a permanent retirement no less that 5 times. Liz personally told me to go f*ck myself at least 78 times. And that was in one convo. Plus, everybody kept telling us on Twitter, email, real life (for real, somebody stopped me in the street and was like “yo, your site keeps messing up P”) and on Facebook. Trust me, we knew. Thing is, we couldn’t really take the site down because then we couldn’t make sure our fixes were working. Again, fat = eating, eating = fat.

Not to mention that the site was giving some folks viruses and sending OTHER people to pr0n sites. Unintentionally. Thing is, we all like some pr0n around here. We just want to view it because we want to…which means on our own time.

Raise your hand if you got sent to pr0n at work?

*raises hand*

Le sigh.

We even had to bring in somebody else to help out who may have unlocked the key to the chastity belt to the stars. So hopefully we’re all to the good right now. Of course, we’re monitoring the site to make sure things are running. But we just wanted to let everybody know that…

…a muthaf*cka apologize. DAAAAAAMN.

So what exactly were we doing during the #vsb lockout? Allow me to inform you:

Panama started the world’s first for-profit non-profit, dedicated to selling NFL apparel to help pay the bills of NBA players. He’s gangbusters right now. He also got into that sh*t that George Harrison was on when he wrote “Here Comes The Sun” and “Something”. He also started a support group for people that cannot believe Taylor Swift won the AMA for Artist of the Year, co-founded with Taylor Swift.

Champ. Oh Champ. Champ became angry, bitter, disjointed, and quite crotchety. He bought a bunch of Bill Cosby sweaters and started watching Reed Between The Lines and rocking back and forth in a rocking chair lamenting the old days. He could be heard yelling “f*ck Theo” a lot. He also started an onion garden because onions have layers like Shrek.

Liz. Well, last I heard Liz joined a convent for a day after witnessing a murder in Reno. She quit though when they told her that she couldn’t Tweet all day. Liz then decided to shut up Panama and The Champ by fixing the site and telling them to kick rocks or she’d erase the entire archives. She’d do, she’d do it, yeah we know she’d do it, cuz she’s a te-te-te-tech junkiiiiiiiiiie.

Anyway, we’ve all given up our other lives and come back to dust off VSB and hopefully kick things into high gear. Thanks for sleepwalking with the kids, and we should be back in effect mode like Al B. Sure.

RIP Heavy D.

Welcome back, again. Hopefully we don’t have too many more issues.

So…what did you do during the #vsblockout?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. BACK LIKE COOKED CRACK aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

 

Welcome To The Hood: New Muppets Sesame Street Should Consider

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The gang's all here...or are they?

According to USA Today (via The Village Voice) Sesame Street is going to add a new muppet to the list of characters, Lily, that struggles with hunger. Peep game:

“…Lily will star in a prime-time PBS special this Sunday called Growing Hope Against Hunger. It’s not the first time Sesame Street has taken a progressive stance on educating children, presenting rather grown-up issues to kids through the show’s characters. Past episodes have featured everything from breast-feeding to kids with “two daddies.” With nearly 15 percent of American households qualifying as “food insecure” — that’s one in five hungry kids in New York — hunger is definitely an issue we should be explaining to kids.”

I think this is absolutely great. Truthfully, I give Sesame Street a lot of credit for tackling the issues that they do. While my daughter is a bit young to fully grasp the depth of some of these issues, I’m sure Sesame Street will be a household mainstay and I’ll be able to use the show to broach issues of struggle, acceptance, and humanity. They could just as easily not delve into societal issues (such as last year’s ode to natural hair “I Love My Hair”) and stick to the alphabet and numbers, but they take chances. Heck, for the past umpteen years, America’s favorite muppet has been a starving artist, stoner who’s pet fish doesn’t actually move. It took some balls to make a perpetually high Elmo the face of the show but they did it. I applaud their moxie.

Since Sesame Street (well the non-profit that produces the show) is so open to adding muppets and story lines to the show that reflect whats actually going on in the world in the form of teachable moments, I figured that I may as well share some other muppets that they may be interested in looking into. 

Such as…

Cedar Block Cedric

While Sesame Street might be all songs and randomly located numbers, there are some other streets out there where the lights don’t seem to stay on. Cedar Block Cedric could be the wayward muppet kid who joined a gang but is really just wookin’ por nub in all da wong pwaces. He could accidentally wander to Sesame Street looking for an arch-muppet from Sesame Avenue and ended up on the wrong street (he never learned to read so well…Elmo will be his favorite because they both rock red) where Big Bird takes him under his wing and ends up telling him that he can be part of his gang now while Maria and Gordon seek help for him. All the songs would be rap songs. A muppet rendition of “Growin’ Up In The Hood” by Compton’s Most Wanted would be included. Snoop would guest.

Suicide Sally

Between cyber-bullying and horrible TV movies about the youth of America trying to one themselves with pills, it seems like more and more children are threatening suicide. Well Suicide Sally can be the conduit through which Sesame Street tells children that they all have something to live for. Zoe runs up on her sitting on the side of the road being really depressed, talking about nobody loves her and of course it turns out that everybody on Sesame Street loves her. Snuffalupagus and her form a support group and they cross promote Winnie The Pooh with a surprise appearance by Eeyore who is in a surprisingly upbeat mood due to the uppers he’s taking.

Esteemesha

Esteemesha is a muppet from Baltimore who rocks a wig that’s more platinum than a My Little Pony action figure tail. She also has fake nails and dresses as provocatively as an 8-year-old muppet can dress. Well, she comes to Sesame Street looking for some Louboutins but meets Grover who’s as kooky as they come but is happy being himself and she realizes that its okay to be who she is, a muppet who likes to read Harry Potter books and listen to Michael Jackson and Justin Bieber. She learns that she doesn’t need to pretend to be somebody else or grow up too fast and everybody on Sesame Street tells us why they love who they are with Esteemesha rounding it out by saying she’s happy with herself because she found people who love her for her. Kim Kardashian Beyonce India.Arie Rihanna Katy Perry Lady Gaga guest stars.

Forrest and Nat

Forrest and Nat are two muppest who go to the same school and live in the neighborhood but they don’t like eachother because they’re different colors so they fight all the time. The principal sends them to Scared Straight but the bus breaks down on Sesame Street where they encounter a bunch of other muppets who are all types of colors and they learn that color doesn’t matter; all that matters is what’s in your heart. Forrest and Nat then sing a muppet rendition of “Ebony and Ivory” – only way less questionable than the Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney version – and Elmo tells them that should all just play together once he gets something from his “stash”. They then form an alliance called the Muppet Non-Violent Coordinating Committee with The Count as chairman. Bill O’Reilly and Al Sharpton shake hands on the show.

I think those would be fine additions to the Sesame Street landscape, don’t you? If you could create your societally relevant Sesame Street characters, who would they be?

VSB, let’s relive our childhood. MJ was still looking for his when he died, don’t make the same mistakes Conrad he did.

Who’s your muppet?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TICKLE ME EMO P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

More People?: Random And Made Up Relationship Statistics That Are Indisputable

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Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey...those stats are gay.

The old saying goes that 87 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. And I agree. Mostly because I can’t disagree since, well, I’ll make up a statistic on the spot and I like the number 87. It rolls off the tongue.

Kind of like, Mufasa.

Or, “I’m Ray J. Fab is a b*tch a** broke a** ninja and I’m going to make him personally call up to your radion station and apologize for being a broke a** ninja.”

That Willie Norwood, Jr…what a card.

If ever there was a time where “we don’t believe you, you need more people” was appropos, this is it.

Anyway, over the course of history, or at least since 2009, lots of relationship statistics have been bandied about. And despite the fact that a large percentage of them have no actual basis whatsoever or the source is at the very least untraceable (word to Magic Johnson), nobody seems to take any umbrage with using them. Honestly, the only stat I truly remember is the whole 42% of Black women have never been married. Or never will be married. Or will have to marry Antonio Banderas or Soulja Boy. It’s something like that. Forgive my memory. Apparently I don’t remember it.

Well, since we here at VSB are scientists of the highest order – I’ve got an OPP, a DN, and an HNIC degree – I figured that I’d bring some of this astute science that I’ve been working on for years. Unbeknownst to most people, I’ve commissioned no less than seven independent Congressional reports to look into relationships. Here are my results. Dispute them if you’d like, but I don’t think that you can.

67% of all women hope that their man is being faithful but want to catch him cheating

While most women are optimists, they’re also masochists. It’s an internal struggle that only Victor Ortiz can truly appreciate. Protect yourself at all times, even when you’re wearing a condom. <—that made more sense in my head. And no, Virginia, that’s not a pun. Actually it is. But I didn’t mean for it to be a pun. It was an accident.

94% percent of men pray to God that they don’t fall in love with a stripper

Black people and Republicans are amazingly conservative and let’s just be real, there’s no good way to tell the “meeting” story if you met your girl at the strip club and JUST HAD to get her number after. Point is, our mamas will not approve. Well, unless our mother is Loretta Devine because depending on the movie she’s either dead, smanging Gregory Hines (he dead too) or running numbers in Harlem. She really gets around.

In 2011, an equal percentage of men and women have dated: a woman who’s never cooked him a meal and a man who’s asked to borrow her blouse, respectively

My statisticians have indicated to me that there’s a wide variance between the various groups and that the percentage hovers between 20 and 37 percent. However, it’s possible that one woman dated Kanye West 2,000 times and just didn’t know it. He has lots of sunglasses. And he learned to dance ballet sarcastically.

In an odd twist…

13% of women swear to never having engaged in fellatio and a similar 13% of women also claimed to be “unable to keep a man”

I ran a regression to see if there was any correlation there but my results came back insignificant. But if you ask me, I think there’s a “there” there.

In similar fashion…99% of all men claimed to like going down on their women as long as I agreed to not tell their women

Apparently there’s been an outbreak of neck plantar fasciitis that these men swear is directly related to tasting the rainbow. Then again, 74 percent of these men believed in the Illuminati and Blood Oaths and one guy asked me to babysit his kid, so ya know, do with that what you will.

10% of men admitted to enjoying WEtv programming and having opinions about both “What Not To Wear” and “Say Yes To The Dress”

When I garrishly asked them what a WEtv was, they informed me that I work for them. Twoshay, my ninja. Twoshay. Some of them dresses are nice though.

100% of all women admitted to intentionally disrupting a man in the middle of a football game he really wanted to watch because she felt like it at least once

When queried with a follow as to any other possible reason to disrupt his game watching, 87 percent of the responses came back with, “it’s just a game and I have the *CENSORED*, he’ll be alright.”

Not to be outdone by their female counterparts…

100% of all men admitted to not being where they said they were going to be when they said they were going to be there at least once

When queried as to how that could possibly happen, all men responded similarly with: “I left the first place.”

Well alright.

I’ve got more, but truthfully, like those looking for Nikki, y’all ain’t ready y’all ain’t ready. (That’s for all my ATLiens).

Disputes? Doubtful.

But I know you’ve got some stats of your own to share. So VSB, what are some other random and made up relationship statistics that are indisputable?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka DR. DOCTOR aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Testing Testing, 1,2,3,4

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Yes, that's what you think it is. Scantron Nike Blazers.

People suck.

Let me rephrase that into a less inflammatory statement. People are inherently flawed, especially when emotions come into play. In the oddest display of lack-of-grown-up-ism, even the most professionally accomplished professionals turn into maladjusted, insecure, immature, validation vampires when feelings come into play. Which is a damn shame if you think about it.

Think about it.

The people we’ve entrusted with our hearts, souls of mischief, and physical health are the very people we spend the most time actually TRYING to drive away. Granted, I know trust is a hard thing to come by. I mean, she say she on birth control, no I don’t trust it ho. Not my words, by the way.

And oh yeah, damn shame.

So let’s get into some examples shall we? Based on the title of this post, you can see where I’m going. Oh those little games we play. You go high, and I will see. Let me be the one to make you weak. Or something. Why the hell do folks go so far to test people we’re dealing with. Especially when we’re setting them up to fail.

Por ejamplo.

Ladies, why do you all do this? Why do you tell us to do something that you do not want us to do – that we REALLY want to do – just to see if we’ll make the decision that you think we should make to prove that we take you into consideration when we already had done did that by not even bringing up the thing you told us to do that you don’t really want us to do in the first place? Color me badd.

I swear ‘fore God and three white people that I can’t even recall how many times I’ve been hit with this one. I remember one time an ex of mine brought up something I wanted to do to me that I had no intention of even mentioning because I didn’t want to be rude ONLY for her to tell me to do it. I must have asked like 50 times to make sure she was sure. She said yes every single time AND THEN justified why I should go do it…ONLY to be pissed at me for then going and doing it and attempting to make my life hell while I was doing what she told me to do that she really didn’t want me to ever be doing at all. I was simultaneously pissed and confused. I mean, I asked over and over. I didn’t even bring it up. And yet I ended up in trouble for not being considerate of her feelings.

Say heffa say what? Oh no she didn’t. And I say ladies here because I can’t truly imagine a man doing this. When it comes to stuff we don’t want you to do, we don’t play the passive aggressive games. We straight up try to control your life. We don’t suggest that you don’t do something. Oh no, that would make too much sense. Nope. We straight up threaten your life if you DO do it. Men, what cards!

“And you better not go on that trip with your friends. You better keep your self here and tend to yo’ ni**a.”

By the way, I acknowledge that the man-route here is equally ridiculous. I also don’t understand that.

Sidenote: I’ve never actually been one to threaten a chick on something I didn’t want her to do. Frankly my dear, I don’t give a f*ck. I feel like grown people make their own decisions and suffer the consequences of those decisions. To that end, I’ve kicked a chick straight to the curb solely based on her decision to do something that I was nonplussed about. In my defense, she deserved it. I mean she asked me if an ex could spend the night. And turns out she let him do that so they could “talk.” Gotta go, gotta go.

Similarly, (and I’m not 100 percent sure this is a test so much as it’s just retarded), you almost have to browbeat a lot of guys into tell you what’s bothering them. I’m no different in this regard. Except, I really don’t want to talk about it. I know some dudes who will keep trying to get you to ask them what’s bothering them. Which is…sissified. You know what, a lot of women do this one too. And of course, as is the case with everything else that is emotionally charged, if you chose to ignore the ridiculous prompts to probe somebody who obviously has something to say but doesn’t want to bring it up unless asked, then they get mad and think you don’t care about them. When the truth is, like any normal individual, most of us just hate ridiculousness.

And yet, in order to let people know that you care, you have to not only acknowledge, but also indulge ridiculous sh*t.

Ho hum. Prostitute.

Like I said, people suck. We all need Jesus.

So people, why do you think we spend so much time testing each other? What gives? What are the other games men and women constantly play? And ladies, ‘pacifically, why do you all do that tell me to do something that you don’t want me to do only to get unnecessarily mad because I only did it because you told me too? Why even go down that road?

Straight up now tell me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3