Tag Archives: love

20 Life Lessons From The Panama

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A year ago to the day plus 13 days, The Champ did the knowledge by dropping for you 20 life lessons he’d learned up to that point. Rah rah rah. Sis boom bah. Then it dawned on me.

Morning.einstein

So upon having that realization, I said to myself, “what does Marsellus Wallace look like?” Then I said, Champ and I have lifed different lives, so there’s a really good chance that we’ve learned different things. Probably even a better than 50 percent chance. And since I’m like Kanye West, I tend to live my life like this (regarding his instincts):

“It’s only led me to complete awesomeness at all times. It’s only led me to awesome truth and awesomeness. Beauty, truth, awesomeness. That’s all it is.”

Me too, Kanye. Me too.

So with that being said, read my lips. Here 20 life lessons that I’ve learned. Not today. But you gon’ learn today.

1. If you intend to kill a bug, you must keep your eyes on him at all times or he will be gone the moment you return with bug spray, a shoe, and/or lightning fluid.

Speaking of bugs…

2. Roaches really are damn near indestructible. I’ve seen a roach live through attempted drowning, arson, entrapment, kidnapping, and Agent Orange exposure. I’m pretty sure I should be doing life in prison right now for the things I did to that roach. And it still took an hour to kill him. The lesson here? As always, stepping on a motherf*cker is the most effective way to get ahead in life.

3. Don’t trust anybody who owns a Zune. In fact if you see a person holding a Zune, it is okay to call the police as they are probably Chinese spies or at least Laker-sympathizers.

4. A Black man with no bass in his voice is the same thing as a young white man with a bald head, while there’s a good chance they’re good people, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out they were domestic terrorists or actually comment on WSHH.

5. Never trust anybody who grocery shops at 7-11.

6. It’s a lot easier to get sex than most of us think. Especially as you get older. Pretty much everybody wants to f*ck immediately but you can’t just say that. Which I understand, women need to at least feel like you put in work and men do like to feel like they discovered something. It’s a win-win if you wait at least 20 to 40 minutes after meeting.

7. A woman’s propensity to toss her rules out the window is directly correlated with how much she likes you. The only man waiting 90 days for some sexing is one a woman ain’t all that interested in. Or she thinks you have a small penis. My guess is that day 91 first-time sex doesn’t feel better than day 10 sex either. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never had day 91 first-time sex.

8. Don’t f*ck with the ocean.

9. People only like frozen yogurt because its a thing. Because of reasons. Ice cream is definitely pissed off about this.

10. People are either staunchly using condoms or completely okay with tossing that sh*t to wind. There’s no middle ground.

11. Everybody has at least one person they can be completely honest with. Everybody else only gets the sh*t that either makes them look like a f*cking superhero or a victim.

12. It’s not that I hate talking on the phone, it’s just that texting makes it so much easier to ignore you.

13. When people approach me and tell me my real name, and I know that I’ve never met them before, I’m almost immediately ready to fight.

14. If you put a bunch of Purell in your hand, rub your hands together and then and wave them around after you fart, it will mask about 90 percent of the smell as long as you do it quick enough. This is vital in office spaces.

15. If you have a really good conversation with a woman, there’s a better than 75 percent chance that she will put her boobs on you just because. I think women like putting their boobs on things.

16. Despite its very clear resemblance to weed, smoking potpourri is not recommended. At all. Like for real.

17. Everybody is special and nobody is special at the same damn time. This is why dreams get deferred, which is still a terrible poem.

18. Jordans are always appropriate footwear. F*ck what you heard.

19. If you stay ready, you don’t have to get ready.

20. Profane and misogynistic language aside, pretty much everything pimps say is true.

BONUS:

21. Don’t go into business with anybody who has ever been on a vh1 reality show. And stay away from all Jamaican women named Tracy. I’m saying this for reasons. That’s all I’m saying.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. HALF BREED HALF AMAZING aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Rearranging The Deck Chairs On The Titanic of Love

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rearrange-deckchairs-and-ignore-sinking-1I have a friend. Not just one friend…I mean I have lots of friends. But for the sake of this discussion I have a friend. Now this particular friend was in a relationship that, quite frankly, resembled what happened when Iyanla Vanzant attempted to fix DMX’s life.

Exactly.

One person wants to sue and the other person still has the name Iyanla. I’m sure that means something in some language (a quick Google search teaches me that Iyanla has no etymology – nope, it’s just what happens when mama takes a shot before the doctors give clearance after birth). Point is, nobody wins.

In their relationship, it seemed like a constant race towards the bottom. But not the kind of bottom that Drake speaks of in “Started At The Bottom”. For Drake, you start at the bottom and get here. Oh the places we will go. This couple would often find ways to make life hard for one another. I didn’t doubt that love was there. It’s just that their definition of love was different than others. No Ike and Tina, Bobby and Whitney, or Shaq and Kobe…more like a Facebook status relationship after Homecoming: It’s complicated.

See, I’ve classified their relationship as basically rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. The ship is going down anyway, no matter what you do. Some relationships just aren’t meant to work. #realnwordtalkingshutthefworduphword

I’ve had the unfortunate experience of being privy to many a relationship that was on its last legs where folks attempted to make some changes that just were too little too late. Here is a list of too little too late gestures one the ship is already going down.

1. Flowers and sweeping romantic gestures

Do you all watch Nashville? The television show? I love it. It’s riveting. It’s got dysfunction. It’s got a plot. It’s got sex, drugs, and country music. And the music is great. Well there is a couple in Nashville, Gunnar and Scarlet (by the way, I love the name Gunnar. If I can come back reincarnated as a white dude, I totes want to be named Gunnar). Gunnar has lost his way in life and pushed Scarlet away after his brother died. He stole his dead brother’s music, tried to become an outlaw and went to jail and missed her big debut at the Grand Ole Opry. Even if you know jack sh*t about country, you know that the Grand Ole Opry is like performing at the Apollo. Or an Asian Karaoke spot. Either way, Gunnar realizes it too late, Scarlet is over it and Gunnar attempts to win her back with flowers. Which is totes not his thing, but she intimates to him that its not enough. She’s out of there. Or at least she might be..we got a cliffhanger on their relationship for next season. And yes, this is what I watch instead of Scandal. At the end of the day, showing the affection and giving a f*ck after you haven’t for so long is not going to right the ship. Sometimes its just too little too late.

That was a lot. Let’s make the next one shorter.

2. Proposal

This will not right the ship. If anything it may speed up the demise of the ship. Except it starts going so fast that you may think the velocity is going to change everything. It won’t. In fact…its kind of like….

3. Getting pregnant

Ladies, getting pregnant won’t keep a man that doesn’t want to be there. What you may discover is how great a father the man who doesn’t want to be a good man to you can be. This will make you want to murder something. I’M KILLIN’ THESE BYTCHES.

4. Getting a tattoo of the other person’s name/face/SSN to show commitment

There are few worse ideas than getting the name of a person who you don’t share blood with (or in the case of non-blood, significant step ties) permanently inked on your body. That’s almost the best way to make sure it doesn’t work out. I’d rather get my schlong trapped in an elevator where the cables violently snap while Brad Paisley and LL Cool J serenade me while a mime does Rosie Perez’s “Fight The Power” dance from Do The Right Thing than get a woman’s name tatted on my body that I don’t call “momma”. Or daughter. I know a couple who decided to show each other how real they were to one another (after a string of f*cktasticness that would make Bill Clinton blush) by getting tats of one another’s names. Not their initials. Their full names. This really happened. They’re not together anymore. They are attempting to figure out how to remove those tats. They did it to show each other how down for one another they were. They went down like Rose Royce.

Those are four things that will not save a relationship. What are some other things that won’t save a relationship once its on the its last legs?

Talk to me. Petey.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. GET GONE aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

 

Why God Gives Men Daughters

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photo(2)Despite the fact that its genetically pre-determined, I’m fairly certain that God or whoever you pray to or holla at when the chips are down has a sense of humor. People say that often, but really, I think God likes to laugh. And watch his creations squirm.

To quote The Devil’s Advocate:

“Let me give you a little inside information about God. God likes to watch. He’s a prankster. Think about it. He gives man instincts. He gives you this extraordinary gift, and then what does He do, I swear for His own amusement, his own private, cosmic gag reel, He sets the rules in opposition.”

Now whether or not you believe that – I’m inclined to believe that there is some truth there – the fact is God knows who to give daughters to. I am one of those people. See, while I’ve spent a considerable amount of time in my life attempting to be a man’s man – thug lifin’ it all up and thru these streets…my kid comes along and undoes all my gangsta. And quite easily. Now, I’m sure all parents go through this. You stop paying attention when its your kid. You’ll make the funny faces and put on mismatch clothing because it makes your kid happy. These are normal and common occurrences in probably 85 percent of functional households.

Theeeeeeeeeeen there’s this other stuff. See, ninjas like myself are perspective driven. I’m always looking for the perspective in things and looking for new ways to view the world. Not to mention how much time I spend analyzing all of it. Even if it doesn’t require analysis, I’m out here in these streets having full scale discussions about the most asinine things on the planet. Don’t even get me started on the man vs woman dynamic. Because see, to me, it all seems so simple.

I respect the fact that men and women are just different. To quote my boy, men want to find logic in emotion, and women want us to find the emotional component to our logic. This is the way God set things up. It was written. And that’s all well and good….

…until, as a man, you have a daughter. And you think like I do.

Real talk, it’s both the greatest and most confounding gift ever. It softens your eyes a bit (a net positive for many men) but it also forces you to confront nearly every strong opinion, observation, and truth you’ve discerned over the years.

You want a for instance don’t you? Of course you do.

For instance (and this is just one for instance), as the logical and nuanced ninja that I am, I’ve come to realize that while every woman is a snowflake, a significant portion of the actions of women are both predictable and trend towards the mean. That’s not a shot. It’s a fact. Men are the same way. Hell, it’s why we can create websites and write books, etc. Truth is truth. Peoples is peoples. But we spend a lot of time pointing this fact out. I know. It’s annoying. Sue us.

Or don’t. I haz broke. The reason it annoys so many women is because quite clearly, all women are special. It’s part of the reason why so many women, on an individual basis, have trouble comprehending why men just won’t act right. How could a woman as special and wonderful as her NOT be treated like the queen she both knows she is and has been told that she is.

Well, as the father of a beautiful baby girl, I COMPLETELY get this. Hell, I tell my daughter how wonderful and special she is. Daily. And she’s 4. And I will continue to do so forever. And when some man undoubtedly does her grimey, I will tell her that it’s because he’s just a douche (I’ll be right) and that she can and will do better because she is special. I hope to eventually tell her that she shouldn’t expect any man to stop being a man just because she exists or to expect him to realize upon meeting her that he can’t and won’t do better. It will be nice, but temper those expectations. My hope is that I remember to impart those lessons as well. Because they’re the most valuable.

But it’s my baby. It’s my darling. It’s my personal little best friend and buddy. I will fight the air if you do my baby wrong. And I’ll play Princess and Playdoh. Not because I want to, but because it’s fun for her and really, it turns out its fun for me too.

Through my daughter I’ve had the pleasure of re-examining all sorts of interesting things about lots of facets of myself. From the music I’m listening to, to my own worldview which admittedly has needed some tweaking, and HOW I think about issues relating to women. Not because it’s so wrong. Wrong or right is for upper management to determine, but because it’s lacked some of the perspective necessary to view things from the vantage point of a more compassionate bunch. And basically, because some thinking does need to be re-examined.

While she’s obviously still too young to directly impact my worldview, her existence and having the pleasure of being apart of her growth as a person has forced me to set aside a lot of my own views on what makes me a man and where I should draw the line.

Maybe I needed that because the whole man’s man thing only works if you don’t have to raise a little girl who will become a woman. Which…well is my job. While I’ve spent all this time doing my thing on some rah rah I’ll slap you just for living, now my kid loves planes so I love planes too. You can’t be out robbing people when your kid squeals because she sees a plane and you look up, smile and say awwww…that’s a plane.

She borrowed my gangsta, then sold it on EBay. And now I’m out here defenseless in these streets like I’m coming in this game on some modeling sh*t. Or like this. No really, like that.

God gave me a daughter because I needed one. And that’s alright.

-VSB P aka THE FIREMAN aka MR. AWWWWW POOKIE POO aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRLLLLLLLL HE A 3

Rants And Resolutions For The Day After Valentine’s Day

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If this is you every V-Day, please save us the trouble and eat some crackers

If this is you every V-Day, please save us the trouble and eat some crackers

What’s the day after Valentine’s Day without some love-related resolutions and rants from The Champ? 

Stop saying “I’m so sorry to hear that” whenever you hear about a relationship ending.

If a relationship ends it’s because two people don’t want to be together anymore. People realizing “Hey. I’m not happy anymore. Lemme go find some happiness” is a good thing. A great thing! “Something ending” doesn’t always have to mean “something bad.” You know what’s bad? People choosing to stay in shitty relationships. In fact, save “I’m so sorry to hear that” for the next time your shitty-relationshiped friend tells you they’re still trying to work things out.

If you’re in a relationship and you care more about Valentine’s Day now than you did when you were single and/or dating, you likely have a shitty relationship.

The angst some single people feel around V-Day is understandable. Annoying ass the f*ck. But understandable. Even roaches like company.

But, if you’re in an actual relationship and you absolutely need this day to be special, to prove that something is still there, to validate all the time, effort, and swallowing you’ve put into it so far, it’s probably time for you to take your relationship to the animal shelter. `

Letting everyone know every Valentine’s Day how much you hate Valentine’s Day doesn’t make you cool.

No one cares that you hate it. Really, no one cares. Collectively, we give less f*cks than Rozay’s nutritionist. Just go to Yoga, eat some lonely-ass peanut butter crackers, and watch Colbert on your phone while on the toilet at lunch like you do every other day.

If you can’t f*ck with the lights on, you shouldn’t be f*cking

Not saying everyone needs to f*ck with the lights on. Sometimes, you need the shadows to bring out the Dark Knight. But, if you always need a shroud of darkness to be comfortable enough with someone to do it, you’re not really comfortable enough to do it

There’s nothing wrong with being a hypocrite

Like whatever the f*ck you like. Just don’t be a hypocrite who complains when you’re not able to get whatever the f*ck you like.

If you’ve ever been seriously mad at someone about a ridiculously improbable hypothetical—Example: he took too long to answer when you asked him if he’d leave you if he had the chance to bone a 21 year old Pam Grier—go eat a beet

No. Seriously. Stop reading this, get up, go to your fridge, take a raw beet out of it, and eat it. If you don’t have a beet, just eat a fork. While doing this, strip naked, walk to the nearest full-length mirror, and do 25 crunches

Think about this experience—the memory of you doing crunches on a cold floor, the taste of the mouth full of beets, the shame of being face to face with your anus every time you complete a crunch in the mirror—the next time you consider getting pissed about a ridiculously improbable hypothetical

That’s enough ranting for me today. Did I miss anything?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

No, You Don’t “Deserve” Happiness Or Love Or…

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Friend of The Champ, said with the type of lip-quivering pseudo-melodramatic affect usually reserved for Deltas too late for drink specials and Olivia Pope: “So, you don’t want me to be…happy?”

The Champ: “I didn’t say that.”

“You just said I don’t deserve happiness.”

“I know.”

“Ok…don’t try that Jedi Mind Trick shit with me. I’m smarter than you. My credit score proves it.”

“What are you not understanding?”

“I said I deserve to be happy. You said that I don’t deserve happiness. Now, you’re denying that you don’t want me to be happy. You’re not making any sense. Neither you nor your stupid car.”

“Me saying that you don’t deserve happiness has nothing to do with whether I want you to be happy. As your friend, I want you to be happy as shit. All I’m saying is that you don’t deserve it.”

“Why not? Why don’t I deserve to be f*cking happy? I go to church. I read. I recycle. Why not me?”

“That’s the thing. It’s not personal. No one deserves happiness. Not me. Not you. Not anyone.”

“What?”

“If happiness happens, fine! Great! Throw a party, and eat a f*cking happiness cookie. But, no one actually deserves it.”

“You’re sounding real Catholic right now.”

“And you’re sounding real…American.”

“Huh?”

“Forget that I just said that. Anyway, happiness isn’t something that we’re entitled to. The only thing we deserve is the opportunity to pursue happiness. But, happiness itself isn’t something that we’re supposed to get.”

“Here we go…”

“I know you think I’m playing another semantics game, but more than just the word “deserve” is the mindset behind it. Lemme put it this way. There are things that we definitely “deserve.” If you do a job for a set rate of pay, you deserve to get paid that amount. If you order food at a restaurant, you deserve to have that food delivered to you, and you also deserve for that food to be edible. But, you don’t deserve to like your job, and you don’t deserve to enjoy your food. Happiness, love, sex…all of those are extras. Since you’re American, you deserve liberty and freedom and french fries and shit. You are entitled to these things because they’re part of your American rights. But, there’s a reason the Bill of Rights or whatever the f*ck promises the pursuit of happiness instead of just plain ole happiness. Nothing you or anyone has ever done entitles them to be happy. Or in love. Or in a relationship. We think we deserve the extras—we think these things are supposed to happen to us—but while we can expect them or strive for them or even work for them, we don’t deserve them. ”

“I think you deserve to get shanked right now.”

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)